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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 10, 2011 14:17:11 GMT -5
The mortgage refinance was (presumably) to taken just enough out of the house in order to recarpet and paint. My SIL took out about 5x that amount and wound up buying 4 new computers and a lot of other crap too. The house never got repainted or carpeted.
I have no idea as to what went on the CCs.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Mar 10, 2011 14:30:22 GMT -5
That is awful. Four computers!!
Spending really is an addiction for some people. They like the short-term rush from buying things and just can't stop without some counseling and serious structure.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 10, 2011 14:54:35 GMT -5
I'm sort of on a self-imposed allowance system. It's half-assed because it's an internal/mental head game I do with myself.
I carry my CCs, my atm card and whatever cash DH gives me - it's not a set amount or anything, it's more of a "honey, I got cash today, do you need/want some?" thing and he usually gives me $20 every couple of weeks.
I use the CC to pay for gas every couple of weeks. I try not to use the ATM at all and I try not to ask DH for cash. The exceptions are usually kid related, like today's copay for DS. The cash I use to buy lunches, pay copays, buy treats for me and the kids but mainly I try to stay out of the stores period.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2011 15:03:32 GMT -5
When I say he wasn't evil about it, I mean that he wasn't hateful towards her, just firm. And I know that he still fulfilled a lot of her wants, but not until they had the money for whatever it was.
I do think he was treating her like a child. But I also knew she'd been acting like a child, and she knew it too. She's actually still a big kid in some ways, but not so much in an immature, irresponsible way anymore. It's more that she's not uptight and inhibited like a lot of adults I know; she's not silly, but she has fun like a little kid.
Anyway, it worked for them, and I'm proud of what they've accomplished together since then. She's still a little materialistic, but since she's gotten her priorities straight it doesn't wreak havoc on their financial security anymore.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 10, 2011 16:55:20 GMT -5
...:::"When I say he wasn't evil about it, I mean that he wasn't hateful towards her, just firm.":::...
In my experience: to the one who is being told to give up his/her payment methods, there is no distinction between the two. Look at the reaction I got from the first few posts of this thread. I agree that it can be done for the good of the family, without hate or malice. I think that again, your friend is VERY lucky that his wife saw eye to eye with him. This is doubly so given that she worked too. I'm sure many of us here would say "no WAY are you confiscating MY access to MY money".
More and more in the last few months, I've seen just how important boundaries (and the enforcement OF said boundaries) are, and what a difference they make... ESPECIALLY early on. Allowing a problem like this to go on and on and on sets the precedent that the behavior is OK, when it isn't.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2011 21:48:10 GMT -5
I see your point. I know that I would have a serious problem giving up access to the money I earn. I've been independant and single so long that I'd probably have trouble even merging finances. I'm generous by nature but I've gotten use to my opinion being the only one that matters. Fortunately I'm ok with being single because I'd have to work very hard at being a good team player lol.
OTOH, I do have some traditional views about roles in marriages. I would never consider marrying a man I can't trust to play his position. I don't want to start a firestorm of arguments, so I'll leave it at that. I think my friend has some of the same values.
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Nazgul Girl
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Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Mar 11, 2011 7:09:04 GMT -5
I think that money is an interesting invention. It's one of the things we need to live in our society. It's also a weapon used to control others, whether to enslave another into paying for our own debts from overspending, or to act as a tyrant about $100 spent on a $150k annual income. Both sides are wrong, and will have relationship problems.
I don't think that I ever want to be in a relationship where I am the financial policewoman again. My first husband had problems and then I had "revenge" problems. For many years, my first husband and I were a classically frugal, middle-class couple. We saved for something if we wanted it. I canned and sewed. He was a hard worker. I worked prior to getting pregnant but then stayed home with our only daughter for several years after she was born.
We bought a veterinary practice after a family tragedy, he had a breakdown from which I don't think he ever fully recovered, we bought a big house (now known as the big house mistake - my fault), and we had business problems and money shortages. It's so clear now, but we thought we were going to handle it all back then. Well, no. He forged my name on a large business loan and kept the knowledge from me. To say the least, the wheels fell off of the wagon.
Fast forward fifteen years. We had paid off the business loan, he continued to have massive highs and lows, I fell into a deep depression, we paid off other debts in full and never bankrupted, but we lost respect for each other and divorced. He never took responsibility for forging my name, and used to scream at me to "handle" it, so I bought WHATEVER I wanted for a few years. I also "handled" it with the bank. Surprisingly, we emerged from the divorce and the post-practice years with excellent credit, and I had become very adroit at saving money and handling the payoff of private debt. I reined in my revenge spending problems, which were tied to the marriage, not my basic money personality. He continued to "live large", and does so to this very day.
Post divorce, I bought my own house, saved $ 15,000 in three years, and already had my own retirement accounts set up and funded. I began to date my second husband and was happy and secure for the first time in years. I was able to help my daughter with college expenses, although not pay for the whole shebang.
For whatever personal reasons, my ex saw fit to take me back to court just 12 months after our divorce was final, re-divorce me, so to speak, complain to the judge about how bad a wife I was (then he was lucky to get rid of me, yes ? ), scream at me, show up to my workplace, call me on the phone and hang up, take stuff out of the marital home before it was sold, and make enormous trouble with our daughter. He was remarrying a woman with a higher earning level and education than I had, and wanted me to break down and cry, I guess. I really never understood his motivation. The upshot was that after a solid year of being harassed by his attorney and him, having to borrow money from my dear mother to re-defend myself in the second "divorce", and having him in my life fairly constantly even though I didn't seek him to be there, I REFUSED to marry my poor second husband for 59 of the 60 months that my ex had to pay my spousal support. I told him to stop harassing me several times, but he just couldn't, so it took a long monetary process to back that boy into a corner of the corral and make him understand that I wanted him to LEAVE ME ALONE. My second husband did NOT like that, but as I have had to tell him, my ex would not have left us alone had he thought that we were "easy". He has a high prey drive, shall we say.
My second husband and I are much more compatible (and normal) in the finance department, and although we have made a couple of mistakes, we have a great savings rate and a high net worth. I believe we will have a comfortable retirement. Neither of us is a money guru or demagogue to the other.
Money and spending can go both ways, and I will take any (legal) measure to have peace and quiet in my life. My ex was not going to continue to intrude on my newly-found paradise with my second husband. Our daughter was also relieved when I busted her father's --- 's and got him to stop harassing us.
Just a few thoughts to those who seek to completely rule the roost over $100 here and there.
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WannabeWealthy
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Post by WannabeWealthy on Mar 11, 2011 9:50:39 GMT -5
Yes, I can do this to my wife on 2 credit cards that I put her on as an approved user. They are my CCs, but I can take that away. However, she has her own CCs so it wouldn't do much good. LOL!
-M
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2011 15:16:36 GMT -5
My wife of 13 year is perfect when it comes to finances, but if she suddenly went crazy financially one day, I'd divorce her the next day. We may very well stay together beyond that date, but we would no longer be tied together financially and her ability to suck us both down a deep well would be gone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2011 15:31:57 GMT -5
I was organizing photos of the donations we made in 2010 to accompany my taxes, and I had to take a few deep breaths to avoid getting mad over some of the memories. One in particular was especially painful -- it was some $100 piece of junk she wanted for a while and finally wore me down on. Once it was in the house, it saw about 5 mins of use, at which point it was returned to its box to sit in a closet for 2 years, finally getting donated. Grrrrrrr..... Yeah, my Ex was like that. A lot of pleasure was in acquiring whatever it was, then it was briefly admired and put away. Drove me crazy. Eight years after the divorce, when I hadn't heard from him for ages, I sold off a lot of his fly fishing rods, reels and flies and raked in over $1,500. Most of it had never been used. One anecdote I wanted to add here; when my sister and her husband got married and finally had enough money to start saving, he told her to open a savings account and not tell him where it was or what was in it. He know his limitations and that if there was money sitting around he'd find something to spend it on. They've been married 35 years and he's put her through Medical school since. Now he manages the family investments. I give him credit for handing some of the control to my sister till he was ready to handle it.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Mar 11, 2011 15:53:19 GMT -5
We have separate accounts simply because my DH cannot leave any money in savings for any length of time without wanting to spend it. He got a bonus recently and has suggested we take a family vacation with both of his kids, spouses, and grandkids. Drives me nuts!
I just got a really nice bonus today and quickly transferred it to my savings and I'll eventually move it into my money market account. I'd rather let it grow for me than spend it on whatever.
I love the guy, but he cannot hold onto money. Unfortunately his daughter is just like him. If she has $5 she'll find a way to spend it then comes crying to daddy when she needs money. Just last night she called because she broke a tooth and needed a root canal. Her insurance pays for everything but $200 of the bill and of course she doesn't have the money. But daddy will give it to her!
OK Rant over!
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Post by dragonfly7 on Mar 11, 2011 16:11:09 GMT -5
Would I do it? There are multiple times when I have wanted to take away DH's ability to spend so easily. These were all during times I was earning all or nearly all of our income, which ranged from $1200-$2000 per month depending on how many hours I could get. At one point, I cut up all but one of the CCs, and I tried setting up separate checking accounts, but since he refused to pay attention to the daily balance, that just led to overdraft fees on top of the DVDs, daily gas station sodas, etc. that we could not afford. Designating his tutoring income as his allowance to buy that kind of stuff has really been the best solution. He gets it in cash, so he can't overdraft it, and I never see it, so I don't get worked up about it. I've compromised and buy more soda and convenience food at the grocery store, so that eliminated most of those stops. Unless it is gas or something for his classroom, he actually seldom uses the cards anymore unless we're together. One anecdote I wanted to add here; when my sister and her husband got married and finally had enough money to start saving, he told her to open a savings account and not tell him where it was or what was in it. He know his limitations and that if there was money sitting around he'd find something to spend it on. I'm seriously considering doing this for all our savings beyond our emergency fund. DH, and eventually me, will find something, too.
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suziq38
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I love to save
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Post by suziq38 on Mar 12, 2011 3:09:55 GMT -5
Thank goodness I never had to deal with this. DH is fairly good about money, and so am I.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Mar 12, 2011 13:29:59 GMT -5
when my sister and her husband got married and finally had enough money to start saving, he told her to open a savings account and not tell him where it was or what was in it
That's what I ended up doing with my first husband. Young and dumb as I was, I figured out that we needed an EF. I opened a (joint) savings account at a bank and put whatever I could manage into it. When the balance reached $200 (this was 50 years ago), DH went and drew it all out to buy a gun (without a word to me). So I opened another account that he did not know about and started over. By the time we divorced, there was enough saved to pay the attorney a retainer fee.
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