Question for former foster parents

[Deleted]

Are you still in touch with any of the kids you fostered? GW goes off to university in a few months and I would like to continue to be part of her life but I'm not so sure it's going to happen. I'm wondering what others experience has been.

[haapai]

I hope that you get a lot of PMs.  The concerns over the privacy of foster kids should run deep and I suspect that a lot of the stories of how former foster kids are doing now are painful and ambiguous. 

I'm not a foster parent but I've met a lot of kids who were and several of my coworkers have spent some time in foster care and have told me as much.  Most of the people that I have met who have told me about being in foster care say much nicer things about their foster parents than their birth parents.  OTOH, it may be only the people who have something good to say about their foster parents that are telling me about being in foster care. 

The gal who told me about being removed from parental custody as an infant and placed in at least 17 different foster care situations (she got the records when she aged out) didn't mention any of her foster parents by name or say anything good about any of them but she may not have been capable of hiding being a foster kid.  (FWIW, she had at least two siblings who were also "removed" and the mandate to keep the siblings together or at least in contact with each other may have served her badly.) She's the glaring exception that I have encountered. 

I've met a few folks in their twenties who didn't know exactly how to deal with aging out of the system and what sort of relationship they should attempt to maintain with their (last) foster parents.  They liked their foster parents, realized the value of connections with real adults, and really needed a safe person who knew their history to talk to.  I've also met folks in their forties who are in contact with their foster parents in some way, sometimes after a period of very limited contact.  

[marvholly]

Since GW is/will be of legal age I think the real question is: how does GW think/feel about it AND what are your expectations.

Do you want a daily/weekly/monthly email or phone call?  Do you want her to visit/stay with you over vacations?

[Deleted]

I'm hoping to stay in regular contact, at least weekly or monthly. GW says she wants to stay in contact but I'm not sure if she is just trying to people please saying that. She was in a few homes before me but I was the longest at 4 years.

[Deleted]

@tbird it helps a whole lot to hear that, thx lol

[bean29]

I pretty much agree with Rukh, but do think your continued support and involvement will be beneficial to GW.

Does GW use FaceBook or Twitter? I get some info about my kids and their friends via FaceBook. Both kids use Twitter, but I really don't get it, so don't use it much.

I text my DS once in awhile and will get a response - usually just a few words. Are you coming home for the weekend, do you need a ride, etc. If he is not going to be home I will transfer $$ to him if needed.

Is GW going off to college? What are her plans?

[Deleted]

Yes, she is going off to University. Since it will be 4 years and she has always intended to move away from our fairly small city she is planning to get an apartment and considering it a move. Her bio family is here so she will come visit at some points but I'm not sure how often and I'm not sure where I will fit on the visiting list. And I want all the answers now!

[raeoflyte]

When dh and I were considering adopting/fostering we met with a family who had fostered many kids and had adopted 4 I believe.  One of their fosters who had chosen to age out instead of being adopted still came over for weekly dinners.  They had adopted her younger brother so I'm sure that helped the relationship, but here while there are benefits for kids who age out, they aren't always that easy to access and they had helped her navigate those and worked to stay in touch.  I hope you get a similar result with GW.  

[973beachbum]

My Dd is finishing her freshman year at college in a month.  She has a good friend who was in foster care.  Here in the US it basically stops at 18.  She turned 18 in Aug so once she had gone off to college it basically stopped.  In her case her former foster parent offered to let her come back during the summer.  I don't know if that would be something she would want to do or if she would even want it but I would think it would be a very nice thing to know that at the end of the first year she wouldn't have to worry about where she was going to live.

I do know that although my daughter thinks she is totally independent and knows everything there are things she doesn't.   We mostly talk by text.  In our case I have a very important role financially that a foster parent wouldn't but it is amazing how much misinformation that she gets from what she thinks of as "trusted" people on campus that is worse than totally wrong!  Some of it is worse than wrong because relying on it can actually be very costly as it made her miss deadlines.  Try as I do it is hard to anticipate everything she will miss understand or get bad info.  I can't imagine how hard that would be without any parental involvement!

[Deleted]

I was talking with her last night and her plan is to move with her boyfriend. The boyfriend had plans to move out west to work in the oil fields but Saudi Arabia successfully changed his plans for him. Moving to the same city as GW will offer him better job opportunities too so it works for both of them. It's not my first choice for her but there are worse plans. As long as she continues with her education I won't worry too much.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Apr 10, 2015 9:37:12 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I was talking with her last night and her plan is to move with her boyfriend. The boyfriend had plans to move out west to work in the oil fields but Saudi Arabia successfully changed his plans for him. Moving to the same city as GW will offer him better job opportunities too so it works for both of them. It's not my first choice for her but there are worse plans. As long as she continues with her education I won't worry too much.

If he is looking at moving to Saudi Arabia in the near future, she really needs to understand that as his girlfriend, she will NOT be welcome to go with him.   This isn't a function of whether he wants her there or not, but of the ability to get a visa as a trailing girlfriend from the SA consulate.

[Deleted]

Sorry, I meant that Saudi Arabia dropped the price of oil and killed jobs in the oil sands up here so it was not a good idea for him to move out west.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

That makes more sense.  I read this that he was going to come out west to work in the oil fields and use this as a jumping off spot to get a job in Saudi.

[TheOtherMe]

I know when I left home many years ago, all I wanted to do was not have anything to do with my parents.  That changed as I finally established my independence in another state and matured.  GW may feel that need.

DS has 4 kids.  Each has been different in establishing their independence.  Oldest daughter has 2 kids and is still joined at the hip to her mom.  DNephew1 left home completely the day he headed for college as a freshman.  DNephew2 has an MBA now and lives about 3 hours away.  All through his education, he came home every weekend.  Now it's about every other weekend.  Youngest nephew has been in between his older brothers.  He is an assistant soccer coach so in the spring, he has to come back here from college every day.  He usually stops at mom's for a meal.  He doesn't come home that often when he isn't coaching.  

She gets quite perturbed that Dnephews 1 and 3 don't return her text messages.  

[hoops902]

My aunt fostered 3 kids over a 10-15 year period.  She still keeps in some contact with them.  I think at this point (they're probably in their 40's, she's in her 60's) it's mostly a Christmas letter or email every 6 months or so.  In their 20s they still saw each other every couple of months and talked on the phone a bit.  Not sure of your situation, but these kids all had parents who were living, just not good parents.  I think most of them have a relationship with those parents now (or at least did at some point, not sure how many are still alive).  None of the 3 kids were related, and she didn't have them for TOO long (couple of years at most).