Rules for teenagers

[alabamagal]

My kids are 24 22and 20.
I think your rules are great. Above all "I am the parent and I make the rules."
Fortunately we did not have gf or bf until college.

Our biggest issue recently is with DS20 who comes home from college for some extended times. "I know you don't have a curfew at college, but when you are home please let me know what time to expect you home. "

[Robert not Bobby]

Apr 3, 2015 11:06:05 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Okay, I want to know how my house rules compare to others. GW is 18 in her last year of high school.

1. There is a curfew of 11 on my work nights and 12 on weekends, this is flexible for special events.

2. No boyfriend in the bedroom. I eased this one up when we had the other 2 girls because there really was nowhere to have space to themselves but I have reinstated it now. They have a family room downstairs that they can have to themselves.

3. School attendance every day unless sick or on vacation.

4. Do own laundry, clean own room and bathroom and clean up after self in the kitchen, taking turns emptying the dishwasher.

5. Let me know where you are when you go out.

How do my rules compare?

I have two boys who are also teenagers. They live with their mother and with me a few days a week.

I just tell them, don't do anything stupid, help them with their school work...and give them a fairly long leash.

But my kids are sensible and responsible. I would be worried to death if they didn't come home after midnight and not call.

So I have no list...it depends on the kids.

You don't want to be a helicopter mom, but you don't want to be an absentee mom, either.

[Deleted]

You don't want to be a helicopter mom, but you don't want to be an absentee mom, either.

Exactly!!! Plus in my case I foster so kids can come and go, GW has been the permanent fixture for 4 years and she goes to university in 5 months. Having clear cut expectations is extra important.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2015 14:10:54 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Apr 3, 2015 14:08:05 GMT -5 oped said:

We have enforced quiet time at night. There are consequences if people don't meet their obligations. 

I like that one  How old are your kids?

13 and 16

[Shooby]

I don't have a list of rules per se. Just kind of how I run my household in general. My sons are 19 and 17 and DD is 13. My oldest son is living at home and going to a local college. For the 19 yr old, I expect him to be in by 10 or so during the week. DH and I and the kids have to get up for school and work and my house isn't a dorm so no, he cannot come and go as he pleases. On Fri and Sat he can stay out. I really don't care how late is he out on those nights but he rarely is out past 12 or 1 anyway so that has never been much of an issue. And, he is either with his girlfriend or friends and I pretty much know where he is. We live in a small town so there really isn't a lot of places to go, lol. My 17 yr old, his girlfriend is in the same grade and his GF's mom keeps a fairly tight reign on her, so he is never out there late anyway so that isn't much of an issue. He is usually home by 9 and she can't stay out late on the weekends either. So, at most he might stay up till 1 am on a Fri or Sat to play Xbox at home with his friends. Otherwise, he is home. DD is 13 so she is home in the evenings.

As for cleaning rules, all the kids are required to clean, run the vacuum, clean the bathrooms, clean their rooms and do other assigned household chores.  Sometimes I have them cook.  The boys take out the trash. DD does more cooking and prep work with me. Everyone is responsible to help do the dishes, clear the table, etc.  And, a lot of nights, we don't, it kind of depends on what is going on and what sport season it is. Sometimes one kid will have more time than another or vice versa. Or, Dh and I might be running every night coaching our teams and sometimes the house just falls to shambles then we spend the weekend getting it in order.

[milee]

Apr 3, 2015 13:23:10 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Apr 3, 2015 13:13:46 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

By the time I was a senior I had to write my own notes and dad would sign. I only had 5 classes anyway one of which was study hall/community service. I did go most of the time.

I wrote my own notes throughout HS. That's because I wasn't sick and wasn't at home

Me, too.

In fact, when I started high school, I thought about the parent note system and realized that there was no way the office could know if it was a parent writing the notes or not.  The only way they'd know is if they kept a file with prior notes and any other written documentation and compared the handwriting.

So, since I suspected that at some future point I would want to "have a little more control" over my schedule, from my first day of HS, I wrote all my own notes and completed all the required documents from parents.  So it was my handwriting they had on file as the parent and I could sign myself up or out for whatever I wanted.  Worked well.  Later on, I was glad I thought ahead. 

[milee]

Apr 3, 2015 15:03:23 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

You don't want to be a helicopter mom, but you don't want to be an absentee mom, either.

Exactly!!! Plus in my case I foster so kids can come and go, GW has been the permanent fixture for 4 years and she goes to university in 5 months. Having clear cut expectations is extra important.

Later, your rules seem balanced and reasonable.  Especially since you foster kids.  The rules you listed are simple, fair and clear. 

[Deleted]

When our kids were in high school, there wasn't a curfew.  They told us the activity, and we told them to be home an hour afterwards.  The thinking back then was that an eleven o'clock curfew for an activity that ended at nine o'clock was asking for trouble.  It worked out fine.  Our kids went to a small private school.  Our daughter didn't date much.  Our son dated a girl whose mother was very aware of what they were doing.  They spent a lot of time on her front porch.  I will always admire moms like that.

When our kids went to college, the hardest part for us was them coming home for extended stays. I remember my daughter being out at 2 a.m., and my ex being extremely worried. He drove the streets of our small town until he located her car outside of her boyfriend's house. Once he found it, he came home and asked me not to tell her he did that.

Of course, I did. I wasn't going to spend endless nights with him driving the streets looking for her.  She actually had fallen asleep there, which is why she was out so late. But what I told her was that we worried about her when she wasn't home by a reasonable hour. If she was going to be late (after midnight), then call and tell us. We didn't care what time she was coming home; she could have stayed all night if she was in the dorm.  But it wasn't fair to make us worry.

That pretty much solved the problem. 

[Deleted]

Correction, she will be moving as soon as 3 months, as late as 5 months

[marvholly]

Later

My 'kids' are now 36 & 40.

My rules were VERY similar to yours w/additions of:

No grades below B were acceptable unless they wanted me TOTALLY running their lives

dd1 did all the household laundry

dd2 set the table & cleaned up after dinner (I basically did ALL the cooking)

We did 'give' the kids a car (early sport practice, late competitions) with the caveat that if 1 of OUR cars was in the shop they were back on the bus AND they had to have jobs to pay for the insurance upcharge and gas

Our 2nd phone line (business line) was theirs after 6 pm.

Back then our single computer was in the shared family room.  Suspect these days everyone would have their own to use whereever.  I know all the grands (near 10, 7, 6 & 6) already have computers and their homes are Wifi so they use them EVERYWHERE.  Not sure what I would do about cell phone(s).

Quiet time was never an issue. Either they were at a sports event, working or doing homework/studying.  DH ALWAYS had the TV or stereo blasting.  We were frequently asleep before they were.  We both started work before they left for school except for sport season.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Apr 3, 2015 18:21:33 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 3, 2015 13:23:10 GMT -5 @tbird said:

I wrote my own notes throughout HS. That's because I wasn't sick and wasn't at home

Me, too.

In fact, when I started high school, I thought about the parent note system and realized that there was no way the office could know if it was a parent writing the notes or not.  The only way they'd know is if they kept a file with prior notes and any other written documentation and compared the handwriting.

So, since I suspected that at some future point I would want to "have a little more control" over my schedule, from my first day of HS, I wrote all my own notes and completed all the required documents from parents.  So it was my handwriting they had on file as the parent and I could sign myself up or out for whatever I wanted.  Worked well.  Later on, I was glad I thought ahead. 

We actually do keep a file for each student with all the notes and often check handwriting, and subsequently make phone calls to parents asking if the note is really theirs.

[milee]

Apr 4, 2015 19:15:18 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Apr 3, 2015 18:21:33 GMT -5 milee said:

Me, too.

In fact, when I started high school, I thought about the parent note system and realized that there was no way the office could know if it was a parent writing the notes or not.  The only way they'd know is if they kept a file with prior notes and any other written documentation and compared the handwriting.

So, since I suspected that at some future point I would want to "have a little more control" over my schedule, from my first day of HS, I wrote all my own notes and completed all the required documents from parents.  So it was my handwriting they had on file as the parent and I could sign myself up or out for whatever I wanted.  Worked well.  Later on, I was glad I thought ahead. 

We actually do keep a file for each student with all the notes and often check handwriting, and subsequently make phone calls to parents asking if the note is really theirs.

Luckily, I grew up before cell phones and at a time when not everybody even had answering machines.  So calling home wasn't common and had they tried, the phone would have just rung and rung.

No idea if they ever compared the notes, but since I was careful to be the only one that ever wrote notes or filled in paperwork, it all would have matched since it was all my writing. 

Guess I had a knack for understanding controls naturally and was bound to either be a fantastic criminal or a CPA.  Good thing I chose to use my powers for good once I was an adult. 

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2015 20:36:38 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 4, 2015 19:15:18 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

We actually do keep a file for each student with all the notes and often check handwriting, and subsequently make phone calls to parents asking if the note is really theirs.

Luckily, I grew up before cell phones and at a time when not everybody even had answering machines.  So calling home wasn't common and had they tried, the phone would have just rung and rung.

No idea if they ever compared the notes, but since I was careful to be the only one that ever wrote notes or filled in paperwork, it all would have matched since it was all my writing. 

Guess I had a knack for understanding controls naturally and was bound to either be a fantastic criminal or a CPA.  Good thing I chose to use my powers for good once I was an adult. 

I wish!!! My dad started teaching again when I was in high school. Lots of luck to me trying to do any of that. The really sucky part was when he was subbing for one of my teachers. I wish I could have skipped! The fact that he was friends or knew most of my teachers when I was in high school also didn't help me, handwriting be damned. And his was impossible to forge.

[Deleted]

To the actual question, sorry, I was too introverted and sheltered to be much of a problem child. Around my junior year I started to go out a bit more but nothing extravagant. Did not have much of a curfew as I never really went out except maybe after band concerts but I was usually home by 1 or so or at my mother's house.

When I flunked out of college and moved back home, oh that was a whole 'nother ballgame. Good thing he was a sound sleeper so didn't usually hear me stumbling in at 4 in the morning.

[Deleted]

Schools get $ based on attendance. I'd see multiple absences as an issue that had to be curtailed. 

[8 Bit WWBG]

I WISH a "no girls upstairs" rule had been necessary for me in HS  I suck.

The people I know who got away with things usually did so after Mom and Dad were asleep.  Waiting until 1am to sneak out of the house -- having a friend pick you up down the block... ground floor windows are your friend (for sneaking people in as much as sneaking out).  Or they'd all congregate at the house whose parents weren't home or didn't care.  It still amazes me sometimes how that ended up happening.  My parents went away for an extended period of time once when I was 16, and they left us with a sitter!

[milee]

Apr 5, 2015 4:14:21 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

We actually do keep a file for each student with all the notes and often check handwriting, and subsequently make phone calls to parents asking if the note is really theirs.

No offense, but it sounds like your school district either has too many admin folks or they aren't using you guys effectively.

In our area, when you look at the growth in school spending, the largest portion of that growth is in "administration" not teachers.  The number of teachers per student hasn't changed substantially, but the number of administrators and support people has multiplied greatly.  Stuff like this is one of the reasons.

[Deleted]

lmao. A third of the thread have said they thought attendance was a if you want to thing and excuses were either missing or forged... So the idea that that is monitored now is crazy wasteful? 

Im don't use public schools... But if you go there, I say you play by the rules of the option you've chosen... Or work to change the way funding happens. 

[milee]

Apr 5, 2015 9:30:47 GMT -5 oped said:

 

Im don't use public schools... But if you go there, I say you play by the rules of the option you've chosen... Or work to change the way funding happens. 

Or write your own notes from the beginning so you don't have to deal with the bs.

And a lot of us are working to change the way funding happens... by voting for people who don't back the current system, by participating in local school board meetings and discussing the issues so that others are aware of how the money is spent.

But I'm not one who is big on attendance on this issue or even at work.  I'm all about the results.  If one of my kids is getting an A without going to class, I don't have an issue with that at all.  I want them to demonstrate mastery and/or complete certain levels that will open other doors, not demonstrate the ability to "attend." 

[Deleted]

I'm not big on attendance myself. But I understand why schools are. And given what is apparently a widspread practice of skipping high school, I have to wonder about suggestions that monitoring is wasteful or misplaced.

[Deleted]

Why do you send them to public school if they don't need to attend to excel? 

[milee]

Apr 5, 2015 9:53:07 GMT -5 oped said:

Why do you send them to public school if they don't need to attend to excel? 

Not sure if you don't remember or if you didn't believe me, but I've written this many times before: I do not have an issue with homeschooling as a concept, but homeschooling would not work for me or my family. So I need to choose between the other alternatives available - the local private schools or the local public schools. Had we stayed in Phoenix, we would have continued with the private school or charter school route. Where we live now, the public school they both go to is far and away superior to any of the private schools so that's where they go.  There's no one type of school that is best for every kid or every family.  I evaluate the alternatives available to us and choose what works for each of my kids as an individual first and then for us as a family as a close secondary consideration.  At different times, each kid has been in private, charter or public schools (and sometimes one kid is in one school while the other kid is in another school), depending on what was available and what that kid needed.  Right now, the best fit for both of them is a local, public magnet school.  Since the older is in high school and there would need to be a very compelling reason to move, he will probably graduate from that school unless something huge changes.  The younger is in his last year of elementary school, so I'll keep evaluating what works for him as he grows. 

ETA: No matter what system you choose, there are positives and negatives.  It's just a matter of putting up with the negatives to get the benefit of the positives.  For my kids right now, the negatives associated with the BS of public schools (mainly the bureaucracy) are worth the positives of the degree from this particular school.  That doesn't mean I agree with or support the bureaucracy; it means I navigate it as best I can and use it to teach my kids other life lessons.

[Deleted]

And I'm not sure if you believe me or not, but I am not anti public school. I do think though that if you choose it, you choose to live within the structure and rules. Ie. You've chosen a structure which currently is funded based on attendance, and thus rules necessitate attendance and given an inclination to not follow those rules, absenses must be monitored and dealt with accordingly. 

[milee]

Apr 5, 2015 10:05:31 GMT -5 oped said:

And I'm not sure if you believe me or not, but I am not anti public school. I do think though that if you choose it, you choose to live within the structure and rules. Ie. You've chosen a structure which currently is funded based on attendance, and thus rules necessitate attendance and given an inclination to not follow those rules, absenses must be monitored and dealt with accordingly. 

We can disagree on this one. 

The outsized share of school funding through property and federal taxes I pay plus the contributions I make directly to the school are sufficient.  If the school can demonstrate that they are losing funding that exceeds any of that, I'll be glad to cough up a check to pay for the difference.  Meantime, as long as my kids are getting acceptable grades and their behavior is good, I don't care if they do that with their butts in a seat at school at a particular hour or in a library or at home or wherever. 

[Deleted]

Federal and State monies are awarded to schools based on Average Daily Attendence in most states. It's not like your school automatically gets those taxes you are paying.

[milee]

Apr 5, 2015 10:23:34 GMT -5 oped said:

Federal and State monies are awarded to schools based on Average Daily Attendence in most states. It's not like your school automatically gets those taxes you are paying.

Then they should probably work to change the system.

[Deleted]

How do you want funding to be assigned? 

[milee]

Apr 5, 2015 10:55:18 GMT -5 oped said:

How do you want funding to be assigned? 

Why don't we do it based on some measurable results?

My guess is if they were to do some quality studies, physical attendance is only a contributor to success in certain situations so it's probably a good metric for those situations. In other situations, it's less of a factor and shouldn't be the key factor.

But honestly, I think fixing this particular funding mechanism is way, way down the list of priorities for fixing the education system. It's not the hill I'd choose to make my stand on. I don't think we can begin to address issues with the public education system until we change the way teachers are evaluated, compensated and retained. Also, I think it's time for honest talk about what bureaucracy we have and whether it fills a reasonable purpose or just grows invisibly with the system.  And I also think it's time to have a very realistic discussion about the cost of special education.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

So, who said administrators were checking the handwriting? Sheesh.

It's also not all about attendance, it's about student safety. If a school employee knows a student is leaving campus and knows the parent/guardian doesn't know about it, and something happens to that student after the student left campus, then the public would bash the school for that also. Damned if you do; damned if you don't. So much fun being a public employee.

And yes, in the state in which I live and work, money is doled out per attendance records. The system isn't different, so I have to work with it. Please don't assume that I agree with it and am not doing anything to try to change it.

As to the rest of it, this is one turning into one of those arguments that is just public education bashing for the sake of public education bashing. I'm not going to participate in that. I have too much work to do.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Apr 5, 2015 14:10:34 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Apr 5, 2015 6:07:29 GMT -5 oped said:

Schools get $ based on attendance. I'd see multiple absences as an issue that had to be curtailed. 

Sure, and you address those absences by sitting down with the parents and student to remediate the underlying issue, not by paying admins to check handwriting and sending the truancy officer after the forgeries.

These are completely different issue.