MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Mar 24, 2015 9:27:50 GMT -5
School will be a pain, but can't they do separate daycares? My daycare lady has a couple kids that are only certain days of the week because the other days they are at their other parents and going to that daycare. wouldn't that be pretty disruptive for the kid?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 9:28:09 GMT -5
School will be a pain, but can't they do separate daycares? My daycare lady has a couple kids that are only certain days of the week because the other days they are at their other parents and going to that daycare. A few days in this daycare and a few days in that one sounds like a pain for the child.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 9:30:16 GMT -5
School will be a pain, but can't they do separate daycares? My daycare lady has a couple kids that are only certain days of the week because the other days they are at their other parents and going to that daycare. wouldn't that be pretty disruptive for the kid? Why? Last year my son went to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays and daycare MWF. Lots of kids have some days they are one place and some days they are others.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 9:31:42 GMT -5
School will be a pain, but can't they do separate daycares? My daycare lady has a couple kids that are only certain days of the week because the other days they are at their other parents and going to that daycare. A few days in this daycare and a few days in that one sounds like a pain for the child. So does a few days at Dad's then a few days at Mom's. But everyone is saying they should stay with 50/50 and quit fighting for one to get full custody.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Mar 24, 2015 9:34:03 GMT -5
wouldn't that be pretty disruptive for the kid? Why? Last year my son went to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays and daycare MWF. Lots of kids have some days they are one place and some days they are others. no no, you're right - DS does the same thing. I think I read that wrong or something. I have a headache. [Insert excuse #3 here.]
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Mar 24, 2015 9:35:12 GMT -5
wouldn't that be pretty disruptive for the kid? Why? Last year my son went to preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays and daycare MWF. Lots of kids have some days they are one place and some days they are others. Mine is doing that this year, half day pre-K on MWF and full day daycare at another facility on T and Th. I was worried it would be annoying to him and debated just doing the daycare 5x a week but he went to the half day place the year before for preschool and really got along with all the kids. etc. So far he seems fine and has two sets of friends. This wacky arrangement will end in June.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 9:43:16 GMT -5
I think my son really liked the switching, and he learned his days of the week quickly that way. He'd wake up and ask what day it was. I'd say "Wednesday" and he'd be, "oh good, I get to go to Krystal's today", and on Thursday, he'd be like "oh good, I get to go to school today". LOL He never got sick of one or the other. Now he's in school 5 days a week and usually once a week he's moaning that he wants to stay home or go to daycare.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 9:53:49 GMT -5
A few days in this daycare and a few days in that one sounds like a pain for the child. So does a few days at Dad's then a few days at Mom's. But everyone is saying they should stay with 50/50 and quit fighting for one to get full custody. That's true. And I see in later posts that you and other parents have/had your children going to 2 different places during the week. So despite what I originally thought, apparently kids can do well with that kind of arrangement. Now I know.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 24, 2015 9:56:01 GMT -5
Different states must have a very different supply of GALs (assuming this refers to Guardian ad Litem). Anywhere I've ever lived there were many, many more kids that need GALs than there were GALs available, so only the very needy kids - always in or just out of foster care/adoption - got one. There weren't nearly enough GALs to be assigned to cases like this. If the cousin lives in an area where there are plenty of GALs to be assigned to fairly benign cases like this, that would be great and the rest of the states should figure out how this state is attracting all the GALs so the model can be replicated elsewhere.
To put it in blunt terms, there are not quite enough GALs to assign one to the kids who have meth addicted parents, receive no adult supervision and don't regularly eat. There is no way in Hades there are enough GALs to assign them to a healthy, loved kid who has two caring parents who dote on him and are fiercely battling to have full custody.a
As a former GAL, I did this twice at a McDonald's because the parents were such assholes. I did it for someone who actually took a vacation from these a-holes. Poor kid. But to have to hand off at a McDonald's because neither was willing for the other to come to their home? Bizarre.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 24, 2015 9:57:46 GMT -5
She usually him in the middle of the week and returns him on Sunday morning. Like most families events thing to happens on weekends and they would both like their child to attend them.Issue is she has conceited many times to make it possible for him but he always make it a big deal when she requests it.
Ex: she agreed to let him leave for Maryland when him (they cannot leave the state without the other parent consent) yet she couldn't come to our house warming party because he wouldn't let her leave the state with him.Then she should stop conceding and they should stick to their schedule. She needs to grow a backbone and say no. I know it sucks that family things happen on the weekends. But you don't divorce a person and expect to have no consequences. Christmas was one of the few times time my Dh's (and bil's) cousins were going to get a chance to meet BIL's new wife in person. (I imagine they might meet my SIL when my inlaws pass away. But, that's about it.) The oldest cousin, four kids (and one grandkid) didn't come. Why? because the x-husband had the kids (and grandkid) for Christmas, as per the custody agreement. And that was that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 24, 2015 9:58:21 GMT -5
Kids do well with whatever they get used to. They're more flexible than we think. My former boyfriend had 50-50 custody and lived close to his kids school. They either walked to his house or their moms depending on what day it was. If the parents are cool, the kids will be cool.
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kent
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Post by kent on Mar 24, 2015 10:07:22 GMT -5
How long is a bit TOO long? My wife cousin has been divorced for over 2 years now and they are still battling over custody of their only son that is about to turn 4. One judge has had the time to retire, the new one told them they were both crazy/have issues and they both need to get some professional help. The issue: they both want full custody. For the past 2.5 or 3 years they have had 50/50 custody as ordered by the courts and I personally think they should keep it that way and call it quits. Reminds me of the absolute best divorce case I've EVER heard of. It was about 15(?) years ago and the couple were gong through the same routine and probably acting crazy as well.
Because mutually agreeable resolution seemed to be out of the question, the judge retained shared custody BUT, ordered the house to be the domain of the children and the two parents had to take turns moving in and out of the house in accordance with their shared custody calendar.
The kids retained their home, school, etc. so much less impact on them and the two parents got to go through all the inconvenience of moving every two weeks. I love it!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 24, 2015 10:11:24 GMT -5
I remember that story. It was said a few judges considered ordering it as well if parents didn't settle down and "settle."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 10:56:27 GMT -5
Different states must have a very different supply of GALs (assuming this refers to Guardian ad Litem). Anywhere I've ever lived there were many, many more kids that need GALs than there were GALs available, so only the very needy kids - always in or just out of foster care/adoption - got one. There weren't nearly enough GALs to be assigned to cases like this. If the cousin lives in an area where there are plenty of GALs to be assigned to fairly benign cases like this, that would be great and the rest of the states should figure out how this state is attracting all the GALs so the model can be replicated elsewhere.
To put it in blunt terms, there are not quite enough GALs to assign one to the kids who have meth addicted parents, receive no adult supervision and don't regularly eat. There is no way in Hades there are enough GALs to assign them to a healthy, loved kid who has two caring parents who dote on him and are fiercely battling to have full custody.a
As a former GAL, I did this twice at a McDonald's because the parents were such assholes. I did it for someone who actually took a vacation from these a-holes. Poor kid. But to have to hand off at a McDonald's because neither was willing for the other to come to their home? Bizarre. That's what my ex and his other ex do. She's tried to get him to just come to her house, but he refuses, thinking she's trying to set him up for not following the rules. Given the history, I don't blame him for refusing.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 24, 2015 11:12:51 GMT -5
I know a few judges who regularly do... from what I can tell it makes no difference. The parties are so wrapped up in their own crap they can't/won't hear anyone else (especially anyone who disagrees with what they are doing).
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milee
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Post by milee on Mar 24, 2015 11:18:17 GMT -5
I know a few judges who regularly do... from what I can tell it makes no difference. The parties are so wrapped up in their own crap they can't/won't hear anyone else (especially anyone who disagrees with what they are doing). Then we should be able to taze them until they get it.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Mar 24, 2015 11:23:01 GMT -5
How long is a bit TOO long? My wife cousin has been divorced for over 2 years now and they are still battling over custody of their only son that is about to turn 4. One judge has had the time to retire, the new one told them they were both crazy/have issues and they both need to get some professional help. The issue: they both want full custody. For the past 2.5 or 3 years they have had 50/50 custody as ordered by the courts and I personally think they should keep it that way and call it quits. Reminds me of the absolute best divorce case I've EVER heard of. It was about 15(?) years ago and the couple were gong through the same routine and probably acting crazy as well.
Because mutually agreeable resolution seemed to be out of the question, the judge retained shared custody BUT, ordered the house to be the domain of the children and the two parents had to take turns moving in and out of the house in accordance with their shared custody calendar.
The kids retained their home, school, etc. so much less impact on them and the two parents got to go through all the inconvenience of moving every two weeks. I love it!
I like this set-up too. It's called bird-nesting, and it has the added benefit of keeping dating lives away from the children because overnight guests aren't allowed in the family home. Of course it probably works best in an amicable divorce. I can imagine some people would be picking locks to snoop through the ex's room, setting up nanny cams, moving valuables to their own home or destroying family heirlooms out of spite.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Mar 24, 2015 11:38:14 GMT -5
Slice the child in half and each gets 50%, 100% of the time. Quoting the wise guy, huh? I don't even want to think about what we would need to do if DH and I split up. There was a couple I had to help last spring that was doing the arrangement listed earlier - the kids stay in the house & mom and dad go back & forth. The problem was, dad owed money on the utilities because he stopped paying when he moved out temporarily. That was a hot mess. It would have been better for mom & dad to each have their own place. FYI - the utility company doesn't care what your court order says about who pays the bills if you owe outstanding money.
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quince
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Post by quince on Mar 24, 2015 13:36:19 GMT -5
I hope that if my husband and I divorced we would make it as smooth as possible for the kid(s).
Duplex would be kinda cool. We saw a home that had a finished basement that was pretty much a clone of the main level. That would be neat. We're both pretty accommodating, and not just to people who are nice to us, so we'd probably be able to swallow our bile if it would make the lives of our offspring easier.
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 24, 2015 13:38:42 GMT -5
Maybe people should start having pre-cop(ulation). Ya know, like a pre-nup but for kids.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 24, 2015 13:39:15 GMT -5
Maybe people should start having pre-cop(ulation). Ya know, like a pre-nup but for kids. Would never fly in court...
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 24, 2015 13:42:18 GMT -5
Maybe people should start having pre-cop(ulation). Ya know, like a pre-nup but for kids. Would never fly in court... Maybe not, but I'm guessing pre-nups didn't always fly in court either. Not that they always do now. But I would hope it would at least have people thinking of amicable terms before they hate each other. I personally think warring parents should be charged by the court for wasting their time with some of the crap they do
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 24, 2015 14:02:19 GMT -5
Would never fly in court... Maybe not, but I'm guessing pre-nups didn't always fly in court either. Not that they always do now. But I would hope it would at least have people thinking of amicable terms before they hate each other. I personally think warring parents should be charged by the court for wasting their time with some of the crap they do People will agree to anything while they are in love and think everything will always be perfect. They will talk about it and come up with "agreeable" terms. Fast forward 10 years when you find your husband in bed with the younger version, all the "agreeable" terms goes out of the window. Talking about it when you are in love and think your love will outlive all the others and indestructible doesn't force you to follow through down the road. I doubt many women when they said I do thought their husband would down the road become a deadbeat that never spends anytime with his kids. I know my mom didn't... It happens, people change. I am not the same person now at 30 that my wife met at 18 and married at 23. You grow, you change, you mature, you might become bitter and angry depends on what life throws at you or Rise above it and put the welfare of your child first. No one has the crystal ball to predict exactly what is going to happen...
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 24, 2015 14:10:40 GMT -5
Also pre-nup are different from what you are talking about. The two people that are agreeing to the terms of a prenup are adults that can sign a contract.
There is a reason you cannot put "custody" of kids in a pre-nup because their is no one to represent the bed interest of the child at the time the pre-nup is signed and the child did not consen to it. A judge will not follow it and will always put the best interest of the child above everything else.
That is how you end up with husband paying child support for kids that the world knows are not theirs: child born into the marriage and by law is recognized as the husband child. Best interest of a child: why should he not be supported in the custom he was used to just because mommy cheated on daddy? What did he have to do with it?
Should a judge force a child to live with an abuser just because the mom agreed to it 5 years ago when she was stupid an in love? Little Jimmy did not sign up for that.
Would never fly in court: the party that has a lot to lose or gain was not present at the time the "contract" was signed and had no say or representation.
*disclaimer: not a lawyer*
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 24, 2015 14:20:57 GMT -5
I know a few judges who regularly do... from what I can tell it makes no difference. The parties are so wrapped up in their own crap they can't/won't hear anyone else (especially anyone who disagrees with what they are doing).
The Family Court judge here routinely gives the parties THE SPEECH. They don't think it applies to them because can't she just see the other side is a jerk?
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 24, 2015 14:55:27 GMT -5
Just like prenups are thrown out so could anything agreed to. The agreement doesn't tie the judge's hand. There's plenty of examples of the judge forgoing the pre nup. To think that those arrangements would still force a kid to live with his abusive father is ludicrous and hyperbole, and I'd to point out that there's several instances of judges not stopping that anyways.
As for children's consent - custody agreements now are without their consent except maybe in cases with older teenagers. In custody arrangements that are made without a judge and stand. So that's not an argument against it.
Not sure why you bring up someone getting out of child support with the agreement - who would agree to that? Furthermore who would go ahead and have kids with someone who asked for that in the agreement? I would love for someone who thinks like that to show his true colors before I have a kid with them.
A lot of drawn out custody fights are between two decent parents that can't get their heads out of their asses for various reasons. Having something that days barring any mental illness diagnoses or criminal record custody with be evenly split unless one parent volunteers to give up time. Yea maybe it still won't help because people fight prenups, but maybe not.
I think at the very least it would help if people started to think about what if things went south with this person before they have kids. A "passionate" person may be much less appealing when you start to wonder how that passion would play out on the kid or custody arrangements.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 15:09:00 GMT -5
I know a few judges who regularly do... from what I can tell it makes no difference. The parties are so wrapped up in their own crap they can't/won't hear anyone else (especially anyone who disagrees with what they are doing).
The Family Court judge here routinely gives the parties THE SPEECH. They don't think it applies to them because can't she just see the other side is a jerk?
In our state you need to go through Parenting Through Divorce classes. Well, at least you're SUPPOSED to. I know of at least one that's managed to not do it with no repercussions. All kinds of people come in and talk to you, including the judge and you normally take them separately from your STBX.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 24, 2015 15:17:57 GMT -5
I hope that if my husband and I divorced we would make it as smooth as possible for the kid(s). Duplex would be kinda cool. We saw a home that had a finished basement that was pretty much a clone of the main level. That would be neat. We're both pretty accommodating, and not just to people who are nice to us, so we'd probably be able to swallow our bile if it would make the lives of our offspring easier. My plan (if it ever comes to it) is to move back to our old condo complex. It wouldn't be great, but we'd each have our own space, and it was something we could both afford. I think we could each afford to buy a condo outright. I don't know what the association dues are, but it wouldn't cost us more than $400/month each. Plus, we'd be close. The kids really wouldn't have far to go. And, yet, we'd still have our privacy. Housing options become really limited when 1/3 of your gross income goes to benefits, taxes, retirement, and the first third of your net goes to child/spousal support. I make enough to keep us out of any percentage of the federal poverty limits, it's so not like I'd qualify for help.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 15:23:17 GMT -5
I hope that if my husband and I divorced we would make it as smooth as possible for the kid(s). Duplex would be kinda cool. We saw a home that had a finished basement that was pretty much a clone of the main level. That would be neat. We're both pretty accommodating, and not just to people who are nice to us, so we'd probably be able to swallow our bile if it would make the lives of our offspring easier. My plan (if it ever comes to it) is to move back to our old condo complex. It wouldn't be great, but we'd each have our own space, and it was something we could both afford. I think we could each afford to buy a condo outright. I don't know what the association dues are, but it wouldn't cost us more than $400/month each. Plus, we'd be close. The kids really wouldn't have far to go. And, yet, we'd still have our privacy. Housing options become really limited when 1/3 of your gross income goes to benefits, taxes, retirement, and the first third of your net goes to child/spousal support. I make enough to keep us out of any percentage of the federal poverty limits, it's so not like I'd qualify for help. Great plan, but what if your husband's plan is to move in with his new girlfriend on the other side of town? I find plans all kind of go to hell in the divorce phase.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 15:46:16 GMT -5
There was no custody battle for me and my sister. My mother was deemed unfit for primary custody so I did the back and forth thing on weekends from about age 8 until I was 29, only because it was really the only thing I knew and I had a good thing going and I knew it. It was a pain in the ass lugging my stuff around sometimes but not insurmountable. The biggest problems were when my dad had his "I'm a dick and I'm going to let everyone know it" moments or when he would be in the hospital and I would have to take the bus to school from my mother's. That was a colossal pain in the butt as my elementary school was at the bottom of my nice short dead-end street (at my dad's) so having to go across town on the T was not my idea of jolly fun. Thankfully those were few and far between. He finally got over himself and he and my mom became friendly again a couple years before he died. Made seating a lot easier for my and my sister's weddings, that's for sure! I will say that I apparently got out relatively unscathed from my parent's divorce or maybe just losing myself in reading let me ignore it so it didn't affect me overmuch as compared to other stories on here. Truth be told, moving to MA from NH pissed me off more than the divorce. I really don't remember them together, ever, so it doesn't really register to me.
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