TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Mar 23, 2015 9:08:07 GMT -5
How long is a bit TOO long?
My wife cousin has been divorced for over 2 years now and they are still battling over custody of their only son that is about to turn 4.
One judge has had the time to retire, the new one told them they were both crazy/have issues and they both need to get some professional help.
Yet the saga continues...
If you were able to date someone, sleep with them, marry them and have a kid with them; don't you think a custody shouldn't be an issue?
The issue: they both want full custody. For the past 2.5 or 3 years they have had 50/50 custody as ordered by the courts and I personally think they should keep it that way and call it quits.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Mar 23, 2015 9:17:53 GMT -5
Can't the court tell em to f off and leave it split evenly?
|
|
ArchietheDragon
Junior Associate
Joined: Jul 7, 2014 14:29:23 GMT -5
Posts: 6,380
|
Post by ArchietheDragon on Mar 23, 2015 9:23:24 GMT -5
Slice the child in half and each gets 50%, 100% of the time.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Mar 23, 2015 9:27:53 GMT -5
I guess it continues until they run out of money.
Poor kid.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 21:18:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 9:32:15 GMT -5
I think that sometimes custody battles aren't even about the children.
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,884
|
Post by NastyWoman on Mar 23, 2015 9:38:48 GMT -5
I've seen this go on for more than a decade until the child was 18 and left for college. And now they both complain how the other turned the child ahainst them since he dies not want have anything to do with either of them sad but true
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 23, 2015 9:39:49 GMT -5
I've seen this go on for more than a decade until the child was 18 and left for college. And now they both complain how the other turned the child ahainst them since he dies not want have anything to do with either of them sad but true SMart kid.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 21:18:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 9:43:11 GMT -5
I've seen this go on for more than a decade until the child was 18 and left for college. And now they both complain how the other turned the child ahainst them since he dies not want have anything to do with either of them sad but true 2 years isn't much. I've seen them go on the entire time. My friend at work it's every year or two either his ex or him file to get the order changed. Kids are 14 and 10 now and they divorced when they were 3 and 7.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 21:18:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 9:55:32 GMT -5
If they've been doing a 50/50 split for a couple of years and neither parent is doing anything harmful to the child, they need to realize that continuing to fight over the child is not good for him/her. I understand and support fighting to the bitter end when there is abuse and/or neglect but when it's just a different parenting style or lifestyle or you just can't stand the other parent anymore for reasons that are more about you than how they treat the child, it's in the child's best interest to just make peace with the split in parenting time and move on. Children are not property.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 23, 2015 11:26:56 GMT -5
Sometimes it's the (bad) principle of the thing. The divorced exes have nothing left to fight over, lots of money and good lawyers. Property was an easy thing to divide, but a child's love and loyalty, not so much. And if they are at the point in life where they may not have any other kids with another person, then I think the stakes get even higher. Sometimes, I think it's just plain spite. The whole notion of hating your ex so much, you want to punish that person by taking away the only other person(s) who ever loved them unconditionally and needed them completely.
|
|
greeniis10
Well-Known Member
Joined: May 9, 2012 12:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 1,834
|
Post by greeniis10 on Mar 23, 2015 11:33:39 GMT -5
How long is a bit TOO long? My wife cousin has been divorced for over 2 years now and they are still battling over custody of their only son that is about to turn 4. One judge has had the time to retire, the new one told them they were both crazy/have issues and they both need to get some professional help. Yet the saga continues... If you were able to date someone, sleep with them, marry them and have a kid with them; don't you think a custody shouldn't be an issue? The issue: they both want full custody. For the past 2.5 or 3 years they have had 50/50 custody as ordered by the courts and I personally think they should keep it that way and call it quits.Sadly, if they were thinking of their child instead of themselves they would have already done this. I don't know the details, so I won't judge, but I agree with you: you once loved this person and now you're so bitter that you put your child's life in constant turmoil? I would hope the court could just resolve it.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,588
|
Post by happyhoix on Mar 23, 2015 11:48:17 GMT -5
DH works in a court that handles child custody issues, and unfortunately, this can drag on for as long as the parents want it to.
Even if the court decides the case, either parent can file for another hearing when they think they have new evidence they want to present. Maybe the ex moves a BF or GF into the house, maybe one parent wants to move several states away, maybe one of them claims the other is a drug addict or child abuser, or maybe they just neglect the kid. They have parents to spiteful they rush to the courthouse to file a complaint if the other parents is half an hour late bringing the kid back home, or if the other parent asked to move a visitation date from one day to another.
DH gets so annoyed at the parents who bitch and moan about how horrible the other parent is - he wants to ask them why the hell they chose to have a kid with a person that they now claim to be so dangerously unstable - but of course he can't, he has to pretend he doesn't think they're idiots.
|
|
souldoubt
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 11:57:14 GMT -5
Posts: 2,757
|
Post by souldoubt on Mar 23, 2015 11:58:43 GMT -5
If people were "reasonable" divorce could be relatively quick and clean but that generally isn't the case because one or both parties are angry. I know someone with adult children who is in year 2 of their divorce and they were told by their lawyer that the average divorce in the area takes over 2 years. The lawyers don't mind because they rack up billable hours while the proceedings drag on.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 21:18:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 12:35:09 GMT -5
DH works in a court that handles child custody issues, and unfortunately, this can drag on for as long as the parents want it to. Even if the court decides the case, either parent can file for another hearing when they think they have new evidence they want to present. Maybe the ex moves a BF or GF into the house, maybe one parent wants to move several states away, maybe one of them claims the other is a drug addict or child abuser, or maybe they just neglect the kid. They have parents to spiteful they rush to the courthouse to file a complaint if the other parents is half an hour late bringing the kid back home, or if the other parent asked to move a visitation date from one day to another. DH gets so annoyed at the parents who bitch and moan about how horrible the other parent is - he wants to ask them why the hell they chose to have a kid with a person that they now claim to be so dangerously unstable - but of course he can't, he has to pretend he doesn't think they're idiots.
My ex's second wife is a horrible parent. Sometimes I have to stop my daughter from telling me stuff about these kids because it's so sad. My ex wasn't the best parent to our kids, but the things this female's children have gone through with her are much worse than anything I could imagine my ex doing. She's been giving him all kinds of hell one way or another ever since they broke up. But I don't feel bad for him, he knew who and what she was before he married her and had kids with her. I do feel terrible for all of her kids though. I don't think much of him, but I think the kids he had with her would've been better off with him than with her and that's saying a lot.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,588
|
Post by happyhoix on Mar 23, 2015 13:17:59 GMT -5
Yes, DH says the kids really get the short end of the stick.
And yes, if you take up with a woman who likes to drink and party every night and who has 3 kids by three different dads, you don't get whine about how she drinks too much and leaves her kids alone when she goes out to party every night five years later when you're divorcing her and trying to get custody of your kid. As DH says, you knew what she was like when you laid down with her.
In those situations - kids with different dads - if the mom is proven to be unfit, the kids often get divided up with the dads or relatives of the dads, or else they go into foster care. Sometimes mom's relatives might want 1 of the kids but not all. In any event they end up getting split up from their siblings, which is really sad, since their siblings might have been the only family they really had a relationship with.
Very very sad.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 21:18:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 18:51:00 GMT -5
These people have WAY more money (or credit) than sense.
Your cousins are bitter, twisted idiots, and the child is paying for it.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Mar 23, 2015 19:03:42 GMT -5
It'll go on until somebody bats both the idiot parents upside the head and shakes sense into them. It isn't about them. They effed up. It's about the kids. They didn't eff up, they're just paying for the parents' eff-ups. I always find myself wanting to shake these fools until they quit wigglin'! You've already screwed up your lives. Why in the heck do you think you should now go about screwing up your kids' lives? Just infuriates me!
|
|
Cookies Galore
Senior Associate
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 18:08:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,892
|
Post by Cookies Galore on Mar 24, 2015 6:44:35 GMT -5
Are they only fighting for full custody so one has to pay the other child support? Lame!
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Mar 24, 2015 6:52:41 GMT -5
Are they only fighting for full custody so one has to pay the other child support? Lame! I don't know... She already pays him child support even if they have a 50/50 split because she makes more money. Not much, something like $100/week. Off course I am getting it from "bias" sources, but it seems he is being unreasonable. When he needs to change custody days or leave town, he expects her to agree but when she asks for the same he is against it. Ex: last Sunday she and her mom was all in panic mode because they were running late to bring him to his dad. Why? He calls the cops if they are running late.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,153
|
Post by giramomma on Mar 24, 2015 7:02:10 GMT -5
<abbr></abbr> Off course I am getting it from "bias" sources, but it seems he is being unreasonable. When he needs to change custody days or leave town, he expects her to agree but when she asks for the same he is against it. Ex: last Sunday she and her mom was all in panic mode because they were running late to bring him to his dad. Why? He calls the cops if they are running late. Why do they need to be changing custody days? Do both of them have jobs that take them out of town frequently? Why was this not figured out during the divorce process? IMVHO, the flexibility is part of the problem. If one or both parents are asses, you don't get to be flexible with the schedule. If you are flexible, this crap happens. So my question is: Why the hell haven't the parents gotten their schedules worked out in two years? It's not like the divorce is a new thing anymore. Does the kid have a GAL? Someone really should be advocating for the child, as neither parent really is. Is there another adult that would be willing to take the kid?
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Mar 24, 2015 8:10:31 GMT -5
Does the kid have a GAL? Someone really should be advocating for the child, as neither parent really is. Different states must have a very different supply of GALs (assuming this refers to Guardian ad Litem). Anywhere I've ever lived there were many, many more kids that need GALs than there were GALs available, so only the very needy kids - always in or just out of foster care/adoption - got one. There weren't nearly enough GALs to be assigned to cases like this. If the cousin lives in an area where there are plenty of GALs to be assigned to fairly benign cases like this, that would be great and the rest of the states should figure out how this state is attracting all the GALs so the model can be replicated elsewhere.
To put it in blunt terms, there are not quite enough GALs to assign one to the kids who have meth addicted parents, receive no adult supervision and don't regularly eat. There is no way in Hades there are enough GALs to assign them to a healthy, loved kid who has two caring parents who dote on him and are fiercely battling to have full custody.
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Mar 24, 2015 8:13:23 GMT -5
Ex: last Sunday she and her mom was all in panic mode because they were running late to bring him to his dad. Why? He calls the cops if they are running late. Both parents sound like they're behaving badly. People acting like reasonable parents try to work together so that there's give and take - a team effort. Not just because that's the adult thing to do but because that's modeling good behavior for the little guy.
As much of a jerk as the dad sounds for calling the police if the mom is late, obviously the mom has a history of being late since he has called the police in the past. Being late is rude and calling the police over minor things is inflexible.... both need to grow up.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Mar 24, 2015 8:18:52 GMT -5
Different states must have very different supply of GALs (assuming this refers to Guardian ad Litem). Anywhere I've ever lived there were many, many more kids that need GALs than there were GALs available, so only the very needy kids - always in or just out of foster care/adoption - got one. There weren't nearly enough to be assigned to cases like this. If the cousin lives in an area where there are plenty of GALs to be assigned to fairly benign cases like this, that would be great and the rest of the states should figure out how this state is attracting all the GALs so the model can be replicated elsewhere. I don't know about other states but here in NJ the job of GAL includes lots of work with people I wouldn't feel safe with. Being called to go out and help at a moments notice. And even getting threats from said crazy people. And all for free. Not that I don't think the children deserve the representation. I just don't think it is reasonable to expect so much from volunteers when I know a few paid employees of the county child services who don't work as much as some GAL's do for free.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Mar 24, 2015 8:20:22 GMT -5
<abbr></abbr> Off course I am getting it from "bias" sources, but it seems he is being unreasonable. When he needs to change custody days or leave town, he expects her to agree but when she asks for the same he is against it. Ex: last Sunday she and her mom was all in panic mode because they were running late to bring him to his dad. Why? He calls the cops if they are running late. Why do they need to be changing custody days? Do both of them have jobs that take them out of town frequently? Why was this not figured out during the divorce process? IMVHO, the flexibility is part of the problem. If one or both parents are asses, you don't get to be flexible with the schedule. If you are flexible, this crap happens. So my question is: Why the hell haven't the parents gotten their schedules worked out in two years? It's not like the divorce is a new thing anymore. Does the kid have a GAL? Someone really should be advocating for the child, as neither parent really is. Is there another adult that would be willing to take the kid? Why would they need GAL? Is not like anyone is mistreating the kid. And they need schedule changes for the following: - him visiting his family in Maryland a weekend she should have him. - her having a family event on a Sunday that he should have him. She usually him in the middle of the week and returns him on Sunday morning. Like most families events thing to happens on weekends and they would both like their child to attend them. Issue is she has conceited many times to make it possible for him but he always make it a big deal when she requests it. Ex: she agreed to let him leave for Maryland when him (they cannot leave the state without the other parent consent) yet she couldn't come to our house warming party because he wouldn't let her leave the state with him. But besides the parents constant custody issues he is a sweet well adjusted boy. I think after two years they should be able to settle their differences and move on.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Mar 24, 2015 8:31:54 GMT -5
How long is a bit TOO long? My wife cousin has been divorced for over 2 years now and they are still battling over custody of their only son that is about to turn 4. One judge has had the time to retire, the new one told them they were both crazy/have issues and they both need to get some professional help. Yet the saga continues... If you were able to date someone, sleep with them, marry them and have a kid with them; don't you think a custody shouldn't be an issue? The issue: they both want full custody. For the past 2.5 or 3 years they have had 50/50 custody as ordered by the courts and I personally think they should keep it that way and call it quits. Do they live in the same school district? Is it possible they don't want full custody but want primary custody? My brother and his ex went through something a little similar (not nearly as long and drawn out though). They had 50/50 custody but couldn't decide where he would go to school at. They had to go to court to get one of them primary custody. The judge basically said "I can't decide where the kid goes to school, I can only decide who has primary custody, and then that person has to decide where they go to school". I mention this mostly due to the child's age, almost ready for school. I realize with your family it's probably more about some crazy drama than a legit issue though. ::DH gets so annoyed at the parents who bitch and moan about how horrible the other parent is - he wants to ask them why the hell they chose to have a kid with a person that they now claim to be so dangerously unstable - but of course he can't, he has to pretend he doesn't think they're idiots. :: Because dangerously unstable people are usually really good in bed?
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Mar 24, 2015 8:38:26 GMT -5
And they need schedule changes for the following: - him visiting his family in Maryland a weekend she should have him. - her having a family event on a Sunday that he should have him. She usually him in the middle of the week and returns him on Sunday morning. Like most families events thing to happens on weekends and they would both like their child to attend them. Probably because it's nearing April 15, but as a tax payer, people using the court system for things like this drives me nuts.
If they weren't both acting like 2 year olds, they would probably be able to work most of the schedule changes out. Barring that, they need to realize that there are going to be times they won't have the little guy with them for family stuff. It's unfortunate, but that's life for people who are divorced. I wish judges would start giving that talk to people. Every time these idiots go to court to fight about these things, it costs all of us money. Plus, it keeps the courts tied up so they can't serve cases that have real needs in a timely manner.
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Mar 24, 2015 8:44:02 GMT -5
Thruthfully my town imposes fines on people who call 911 for non emergencies more than once. It really does stop people from abusing the system when they know that calling the police because say their neighbor is mowing his lawn before 8am will result in a $500 fine. It was amazing how many people figured out how to wait until 9am and call the non emergence number after that.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Mar 24, 2015 9:04:26 GMT -5
X and I did a lot of talking and negotiating with regard to DS. We have joint legal custody but I am actually not the majority parent. That was a really hard thing to accept - still is. And the only reason I'm not is because X would have made my life hell fighting me if I didn't agree to the split we have (me - 3, him - 4). As much as I didn't want that arrangement, I knew that the endless battling would drain us financially and emotionally, and DS doesn't need both of his parents to be stressed to the breaking point. Believe me there were some amendments he tried to make that I quickly shot down, but I knew it would be best for ALL of us if we came to an agreement sooner rather than later.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Mar 24, 2015 9:09:13 GMT -5
How long is a bit TOO long? My wife cousin has been divorced for over 2 years now and they are still battling over custody of their only son that is about to turn 4. One judge has had the time to retire, the new one told them they were both crazy/have issues and they both need to get some professional help. Yet the saga continues... If you were able to date someone, sleep with them, marry them and have a kid with them; don't you think a custody shouldn't be an issue? The issue: they both want full custody. For the past 2.5 or 3 years they have had 50/50 custody as ordered by the courts and I personally think they should keep it that way and call it quits. Do they live in the same school district? Is it possible they don't want full custody but want primary custody? My brother and his ex went through something a little similar (not nearly as long and drawn out though). They had 50/50 custody but couldn't decide where he would go to school at. They had to go to court to get one of them primary custody. The judge basically said "I can't decide where the kid goes to school, I can only decide who has primary custody, and then that person has to decide where they go to school". I mention this mostly due to the child's age, almost ready for school. I realize with your family it's probably more about some crazy drama than a legit issue though. ::DH gets so annoyed at the parents who bitch and moan about how horrible the other parent is - he wants to ask them why the hell they chose to have a kid with a person that they now claim to be so dangerously unstable - but of course he can't, he has to pretend he doesn't think they're idiots. :: Because dangerously unstable people are usually really good in bed? That is another issue: he lives in Queens and she lives in Long Island He signed him up for daycare at a catholic school in Queens, so the day she has him she has to drive 1 hr into Queens to drop him off and 1 hour back to work. She wanted something more middle ground, in between Queens and Long Island and she would like to do that before he starts Kindergarten.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 11, 2024 21:18:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 9:21:55 GMT -5
School will be a pain, but can't they do separate daycares? My daycare lady has a couple kids that are only certain days of the week because the other days they are at their other parents and going to that daycare.
|
|