What is the proper mix of humility and self-confidence?

[Deleted]

Question in title.

[Shooby]

I don't know. I think you just have to be yourself.  If you too much humility, then you are accused of lacking self confidence.   If you have too much then you are arrogant.   So, just forget about trying to figure it out and just be who you really are.   

[Phoenix84]

I struggle with this at work sometimes.

Let's say I'm answering a question, or working on a project. I think something I'm saying or doing is right, but I'm not 100% sure. Let's say for example, I'm 80% sure.

1. Do I try to find out for sure on my own by looking it up?

2. Do I stick with my original plan/action.

3. Do I ask a co worker or supervisor?

Normally I try to do option 1, but searching for the confirmation can be time consuming. Option 2 projects self confidence and authority, which is also very important in the working world. Option 3 can be quick and easy, but can backfire if you start to annoy your bosses and co workers.

It's not always easy to find the right balance of due diligence and caution with self confidence and authority.

[bobosensei]

I don't think self confidence has anything to do with humility.  The way this question is posed makes it seem like self confidence is the opposite of humility, and it isn't.

Maybe one way to think of it is self confidence is a state of being, how you feel about yourself and your own abilities.  But humility or the opposite of humility (pride) are more interactive behaviors.  You can be self confident and humble or self confident and completely arrogant.  It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I think the issue is that lots of people mistake rudeness, arrogance, or dominance for self confidence.  If this is the case with your coworkers or supervisor then anyone who is polite, a team player, or not a shameless self promoter is seen as lacking self confidence and therefore less valuable for promotion, raises, etc.  So if you are self confident but very humble you have to pay attention to how others perceive you because you can inadvertently do harm to your career.

For me the key is adjusting my behavior to the circumstances.  I could be described as quietly competitive and a high achiever.  People who know me well or work with me frequently eventually find these things out, but we've usually developed good working relationships and mutual respect at that point.  So it's never done me any harm.  But if I am in a situation where I need to make my abilities known I will do so.  There is a way to talk about your performance and abilities that doesn't negate your humility, you just have to do it in the right place and time.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Feb 26, 2015 8:18:56 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

I struggle with this at work sometimes.

Let's say I'm answering a question, or working on a project. I think something I'm saying or doing is right, but I'm not 100% sure. Let's say for example, I'm 80% sure.

1. Do I try to find out for sure on my own by looking it up?

2. Do I stick with my original plan/action.

3. Do I ask a co worker or supervisor?

Normally I try to do option 1, but searching for the confirmation can be time consuming. Option 2 projects self confidence and authority, which is also very important in the working world. Option 3 can be quick and easy, but can backfire if you start to annoy your bosses and co workers.

It's not always easy to find the right balance of due diligence and caution with self confidence and authority.

Phoenix84: my experience with #3 is to use it only when you really have to, and then, IF APPROPRIATE within your office culture, couch the request for confirmation with self-depreciating humor and an apologetic grin:  "Okay, I am having a senior moment/brain fart/whatever, do you have a few minutes to remind me how we calculate safe nuclear levels in newborn infants?  I've done it myself but that annoying little man who lives inside my head is telling me that it doesn't look right."  (slight, quiet, chuckle) Then follow it with a huge, relieved "thank you" and get back to work. 

Another approach is to play up your "new guy" card:  "It's been a few years/2 jobs ago since I had to calculate safe nuclear levels in newborn infants -- do you mind helping me refresh my memory?"  

We all need to be competent at our jobs, but competency is not only knowing how to do the job, but to know when to ask for help.  Forging on in a task when one has real doubts about the path is definitely the last option -- you'll either screw up big time or, at a minimum, have to re-do work IF the doubts are/were accurate.  

[Tennesseer]

Humble self-confidence is knowing you don't have all the answers.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

1. Do I try to find out for sure on my own by looking it up?

2. Do I stick with my original plan/action.

3. Do I ask a co worker or supervisor?

What I do if I find myself in this spot is ask myself how fast do I need the answer and how big of trouble am I going to be in if I am wrong?

My boss would much rather I "annoy" him with a question than risk us getting in trouble or delaying a project because I want to project "confidence".  

So far that's served me well.  I don't give off the impression that I need my hand held and neither am I running around pretending to know everything while praying I don't get caught.

[HoneyBBQ]

bobosensei - well said!!!

[wyouser]

If you get the mixture right, will it keep one from freezing to death in this neverending cold?

[Green Eyed Lady]

Self-confidence is being certain you are doing the right thing.  Humility is not going on and on about how right you are.  As for the proper mix?  I dunno!  I'm thinking "right" usually outs itself eventually. 

[The Captain]

Feb 26, 2015 11:34:38 GMT -5 Ratchets said:

We couldn't even go swimming last night...it was below 70!

Haters gonna hate...

[Spellbound454]

I'm not from the US...although the Americans I have known over here have been very nice.

The British culture and humour is very self depreciative.

Braggards and boasters are thought to be very tiresome.....Its just not something you would do.

I think strength and humility would be a good combination

Likely to get you where you need to be without getting on everyone's nerves.

[emma1420]

Feb 26, 2015 11:59:40 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Self-confidence is being certain you are doing the right thing.  Humility is not going on and on about how right you are.  As for the proper mix?  I dunno!  I'm thinking "right" usually outs itself eventually. 

I don't know if I agree with this definition.  I think there is a difference between being confident that a specific task has been completed appropriately, and then general self-confidence about your career/job, life, etc.

I think self-confidence is knowing what you are capable of achieving, but also knowing your weaknesses and what you aren't good at.    There are many times I'm not certain I'm doing the right thing. But, I don't think that it means I lack self-confidence.  I think it just means that sometimes I need to involve people who know more than I do or have different skills than I do to make sure that job is completed the right way.

I would encourage all women to read the Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman.  It is an excellent read and makes some excellent points.

[cronewitch]

Confidence is knowing you can do something. Humility is being grateful to the things out of your control instead of taking all the credit. I grew up confident that I wasn't a total moron because when I acted like a total moron my parents would tell me I was smarter than that. I always knew I could get good grades if I tried, I didn't try. When I have accomplished things I have known I could I always remember part of my success is having been raised to have confidence, and to have learned things from having parents who had a high school education. We grew up kinda poor but we always had a house and food and parents who spoke English as a first language and we were born healthy. This gave us a huge leg up on success so even when we succeed it is more expected than odd, I really admire those who can succeed without being born to a good family or born healthy. Even if you were born to a family who didn't do anything right and were born special needs you can probably thank your lucky stars you were born with determination and not take all the credit for being awesome even when you know you are awesome.

[Shooby]

Feb 26, 2015 10:50:54 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Humble self-confidence is knowing you don't have all the answers.

Yes.  But, often that is regarded as "lack of confidence" . 

[Tennesseer]

Feb 26, 2015 14:15:51 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Feb 26, 2015 10:50:54 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Humble self-confidence is knowing you don't have all the answers.

Yes.  But, often that is regarded as "lack of confidence" . 

[Shooby]

Is there some reason for that?  Or just to be snarky? 

[Tennesseer]

Feb 26, 2015 14:19:21 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Is there some reason for that?  Or just to be snarky? 

You're super self-confident. You have all the answers-figure it out.

[Shooby]

Feb 26, 2015 14:20:32 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Feb 26, 2015 14:19:21 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Is there some reason for that?  Or just to be snarky? 

You're super self-confident. You have all the answers-figure it out.

I have been accused of not having enough "confidence". I have plenty of confidence. But, I also know there are things I don't know and bullschitting is not one of my better skills. And, I know there are many things in life that one does not personally control.

[shanendoah]

I love questions like this, because we all read it (and answer it) based on our own experiences.

I agree with the previous statements about humility and self-confidence not being opposites. Self-confidence is not the same as being arrogant, rude, or a know-it-all. It is not the same thing as refusing to ask questions.

I like that Phoenix84 read the question and went to the idea of how do I maintain an appearance of self-confidence to my bosses when I have questions about issues.
As a boss, I will say that asking questions in and of itself is not a lack of self-confidence. If I give you the task to design a flyer for an upcoming event, and if every time I turn around you want to know what color font to use, what size, should there be a graphic, etc - that I will take as a lack of self confidence. If you design a flyer and then send it to me asking for a proof (make sure you got the info right) and to see if I have any suggestions for improvement, that is not a lack of self-confidence.
In some cases, coming to me to ask a question in itself is a demonstration of your confidence- that you are okay with the fact that you currently don't know something, but are smart enough, and confident enough, to seek out the answers.
However, if you are worried about going to your boss with what you feel are questions you should already know that answers to, the other piece of advice I can give you, is to seek out a peer network. Find people of roughly your same level in the same type of job as you that you can bounce questions off of. Go to one of them if it is something you're not comfortable going to your boss with.


Now, I read the question differently. I read it as "how do I show self-confidence while remaining humble or without seeming to arrogant/rude, etc.?"
And my answer to that is that it is different in every situation with every audience. With peers, self-deprecating humor works really well. With your friends, you should be free to state your accomplishments straight up without couching. With bosses, customers, etc, you need to figure out what works for your audience.
I have spent most of my career working for MDs. I now work for PhDs. These are brilliant people with more education than I have. I absolutely could not step in and do their jobs. But I remember that the opposite is true, too. They could not step in and do my job, and I won't let them think they know my job better than I do.
Rule one for me is not to think of them as "better" than me, and that helps me present myself as their equal - not necessarily in power or position in the organization, but as a person. Having more education does not make a person better than me. If might not even make them smarter than me (though many are). But I hold to the idea that we are all people first, and as people, we are equals.
Ways I present myself as confident is refusing to yell or raise my voice. I listen carefully. I respond to people's specific concerns, and I explain my reasoning and thoughts.
In addition, on the remaining humble side, I am never afraid to say "I don't know, let me get back to you on that". And if I have made a mistake, I am generally the first person to point it out.

I do my best to take my time and build relationships. And once a mutual level of respect is established, that's when I can start pushing. I have, in the past, gotten the doctors I've worked with to make changes/allow changes, they had previously been resistant to, because I learned how and when to push, and got them to treat me as the expert in my field, just as I treated them as the expert in their field.

[ArchietheDragon]

I like to have +5 Dexterity, +3 Charisma and +1 Constitution. Who needs constitution anyway.

[Tennesseer]

By the way, Shooby-you came to mind this morning, be it every so briefly, when I heard this news on the TV:

Lady Gaga to Star in 'American Horror Story: Hotel' Read more: www.rollingstone.com/tv/news/lady-gaga-to-star-in-american-horror-story-hotel-20150225#ixzz3SsgNz4Gc Follow us: @rollingstone on Twitter | RollingStone on Facebook

[Bob Ross]

Personally, I think a lack of humility and bragging (other than the tongue-in-cheek kind) is a sure-fire sign of classlessness and insecurity.

What sort of numbnut feels the need to have to talk themselves up to appear successful and important?  A truly self-confident individual should be able to stand on the weight of their own actions, without shoving them down everyone else's throats.

Even worse is bragging on the internet.  What's the point in bragging to a bunch of strangers who don't know you and have no way of verifying your claims?  This sort of behavior just reeks of a severe narcissistic attention-whoring psychological disorder which should be treated with intense therapy and strong meds.

[Peace Of Mind]

Feb 26, 2015 16:22:12 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Personally, I think a lack of humility and bragging (other than the tongue-in-cheek kind) is a sure-fire sign of classlessness and insecurity.

What sort of numbnut feels the need to have to talk themselves up to appear successful and important?  A truly self-confident individual should be able to stand on the weight of their own actions, without shoving them down everyone else's throats.

Even worse is bragging on the internet.  What's the point in bragging to a bunch of strangers who don't know you and have no way of verifying your claims?  This sort of behavior just reeks of a severe narcissistic attention-whoring psychological disorder which should be treated with intense therapy and strong meds.

I have tons of that!  That's good, right?  <<beams proudly>> 

My answer to everything is in moderation.  A little of this and a little of that is good.  Too much of anything is bad.  I'm of the belief there is even such a thing as too skinny and too rich.   Both are gross and obscene.   

And I'm smart enough to know I'm not that smart. 

Yours truly,

A severe narcissistic attention-whoring psychologist who should be medicated

POM

 

  I'm not really a psychologist. 

[Bob Ross]

Feb 26, 2015 16:30:49 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

A severe narcissistic attention-whoring psychologist who should be medicated

Pfft. Everyone knows you already self-medicate.

[Deleted]

Is humility an inward trait or an outward action?  Things are going well for me now.  I have a job, am paying down debt,  and have a plan for going forward with some projects. I am pretty confident that if I work the plan, things will go well.  Then I think to myself, that I will jinx myself for being overly optimistic.  I read about people, some here, who have things and while I wouldn't describe myself as jealous, I do think to myself, "I could have that if I worked for it."  Then ideas of humility and modesty come into my thoughts.  There are people who, while maybe not "better" then me, are not worse people then me and many of them struggle.  It is probably not clear what I am asking.

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts.

[Tennesseer]

Feb 26, 2015 18:00:37 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Is humility an inward trait or an outward action?  Things are going well for me now.  I have a job, am paying down debt,  and have a plan for going forward with some projects. I am pretty confident that if I work the plan, things will go well.  Then I think to myself, that I will jinx myself for being overly optimistic.  I read about people, some here, who have things and while I wouldn't describe myself as jealous, I do think to myself, "I could have that if I worked for it."  Then ideas of humility and modesty come into my thoughts.  There are people who, while maybe not "better" then me, are not worse people then me and many of them struggle.  It is probably not clear what I am asking.

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts.

As long as you are not wearing your success(es) ostentatiously 'on your sleeve', you should be alright.

[shanendoah]

Feb 26, 2015 18:00:37 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Is humility an inward trait or an outward action?

I think people want to think of humility as an inward trait, that somehow people are naturally humble or not. Personally, I think it's an outward action.

The reason for this is that I can't read minds. So, if you are acting humble, you are humble. I have no idea if, while you are sharing the credit with your team, you are thinking to yourself - I did it! I did it all! I am the best ever! And guess what, I also don't care if that is what you are thinking. I only see the outward action, so I don't really care about the underlying inward trait.

And in that sense, I think it is more important to understand and utilize the outward action of humility than have an inward trait of it. In fact, an inward trait of humility might actually be to your detriment. You need to know your value and your worth. You need to be able to be honest with yourself about your contributions. You have to know that you did this and that you could do it again.

So, know your worth. There is no need to be humble in your own mind. But, show the outward trait of humility, because there's also no need to alienate people by being a braggart.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2015 18:16:48 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

Feb 26, 2015 18:00:37 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Is humility an inward trait or an outward action?

I think people want to think of humility as an inward trait, that somehow people are naturally humble or not. Personally, I think it's an outward action.

The reason for this is that I can't read minds. So, if you are acting humble, you are humble. I have no idea if, while you are sharing the credit with your team, you are thinking to yourself - I did it! I did it all! I am the best ever! And guess what, I also don't care if that is what you are thinking. I only see the outward action, so I don't really care about the underlying inward trait.

And in that sense, I think it is more important to understand and utilize the outward action of humility than have an inward trait of it. In fact, an inward trait of humility might actually be to your detriment. You need to know your value and your worth. You need to be able to be honest with yourself about your contributions. You have to know that you did this and that you could do it again.

So, know your worth. There is no need to be humble in your own mind. But, show the outward trait of humility, because there's also no need to alienate people by being a braggart.

I don't want to fake having humility. I am wanting to know the proper mix, more in order to be a good person. I know not to be a braggart.

[mmhmm]

I think, as long as you're careful to evaluate your words and actions for the possibility of causing hurt/harm to another, you're on the right track. For the most part, people will accept truly constructive criticism that is delivered with tact and good humor. There will always be those who will require a bigger hammer, but they're few and far between in my experience. If, in interactions, you're diligent in questioning your own motives and ensuring you're working for the best for all, you'll do just fine.