jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Feb 26, 2015 11:36:54 GMT -5
My MIL has always thought I wasn't good enough for her son and only cared to talk to me when we could loan her money or she got something out of it.
I don't stop my husband or my daughter from seeing her or talking to her. I just chose years ago she wasn't worth my time.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Feb 26, 2015 14:14:01 GMT -5
I have a crappy mom, not because she asks for money, but for other reasons.
I used to feel short changed when it came to moms, especially when I saw the close relationship a lot of my GF's had with their moms. I thought it would be nice to have that.
However, with all my other relationships, I hit the jackpot, especially with my DH, DS, and MIL, who is fabulous. So I figure, if stand back and look at everything, I came out very far ahead, relationship-wise.
Really it's my mom who got shortchanged. She wasn't able to have a close and loving relationship with any of her kids, her siblings or her DH. No one and nothing was ever exactly the way she wanted. Life was one long unhappy disappointment for her. Very sad.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Feb 26, 2015 16:49:27 GMT -5
I have a crappy mom, not because she asks for money, but for other reasons. I used to feel short changed when it came to moms, especially when I saw the close relationship a lot of my GF's had with their moms. I thought it would be nice to have that. However, with all my other relationships, I hit the jackpot, especially with my DH, DS, and MIL, who is fabulous. So I figure, if stand back and look at everything, I came out very far ahead, relationship-wise. Really it's my mom who got shortchanged. She wasn't able to have a close and loving relationship with any of her kids, her siblings or her DH. No one and nothing was ever exactly the way she wanted. Life was one long unhappy disappointment for her. Very sad. Well, life is usually what you make it in to. Years ago, I used to miss turns and get lost. It was annoying and caused me to use language that is not acceptable in polite company (such as you guys). Now, I miss turns and we have adventures. Who knows what we will see? It might be a liitle old cottage (occupied) with the road built so close to it that you could almost stop in the road and knock on the door from your seat in the car. Or, it might be your family name painted on the side of a truck used by a construction company. Or an abandon life boat station down a narrow, narrow fern lined lane on the Irish coast. Or a stunning view of sheep speckled pastures across a little bay. Or the cliff top ruins of a French chateau and it's surrounding village overlooking the Rhone River. Or a turn into the wrong parking lot might provide you with a wonderfully spectacular view of Mont Saint Michel. Even unpleasant experiences can be viewed in different ways. We can feel sorry for ourselves and resent the experience. Or we can say it's part of what makes me a better version of me than I might have been if I hadn't had that experience. Are you lost? Or are you having adventures? You get to choose!
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Feb 26, 2015 16:56:08 GMT -5
As long as there is gas in the tank I'm not lost.
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cael
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Post by cael on Feb 26, 2015 17:00:35 GMT -5
I used to feel short changed when it came to moms, especially when I saw the close relationship a lot of my GF's had with their moms. I thought it would be nice to have that. My SIL kind of feels that way sometimes, and I feel badly for her for that. She does realize it's sad but that's the way things are, and she isn't invested in trying to fix or change anything because she knows she won't get anywhere and honestly she's just done. I don't blame her and would also be totally done.
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quince
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Post by quince on Feb 26, 2015 18:31:02 GMT -5
My mom is amazing. She had me when she was 20, my brother when she was 22. I think she was a single mom by the time she was 24. My brother is hearing impaired, and she got him into the programs she could, while working two jobs and going to college. She has phobias that she squashed when we were around so she wouldn't pass them on to us, she was of course raised with physical "discipline", but I think she slapped me ONCE, and apologized five minutes later.
She wasn't perfect, of course, but she did her best to shield us from her mistakes. She did get married and divorced a second time before we were 10. She had help from her parents.
She treats me now as an adult, she offers advice once, if at all, does not nag, does not imply she knows better than me.
She did leave me with a massive inferiority complex, though, because now, at 35, I cannot imagine doing the things she did in her 20s.
I also have a hard time with putting up with my husband's parents, the same way I have a hard time putting up with myself, because she's my example of how parents should be. He's totally at peace with things, all is forgiven, he has noted their limitations and accepted them and moved on.
I do have a biological father, though. He was not good at being a father. Very dis-functional alcoholic, and just not up for the challenges of children, even when sober. I'm glad he and my mother were divorced. I don't resent him, or even think he was a bad person, but he's not in my life anymore. If he ever showed up asking for help he would be treated like a stranger: because that is what he made himself, by absenting himself from our lives.
I actually think once kids are adults, it's fair for the requests for help to go either way. I don't think it's any better for a 40 year old to ask their 60 year old parent for help than the other way around. Requests, not demands, ever. No one owes it to anyone, help is a gift given willingly, not something you are owed.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 26, 2015 18:33:13 GMT -5
Because you are not used to it, same for my wife. But for your DH and I ... The script hasn't changed, just the excuses and the reason why you should help them. My wife is used to her mom helping her out, that is the nature of things, the way it should be. It still blows her mind that it can also go the opposite : parents asking or yet demanding money. Yeah, that makes total sense. My SIL is still blown away by it even at 40 (she isn't surprised by it though). SIL always says she should be the one asking her parent if she can borrow money, not the other way around - like your wife's mom helping her out, and like my parents help us out. It sucks that your MIL is a mooch but I disagree about your SIL saying she should be a mooch instead. I'm raising my daughter to know that once she is an adult, she is responsible for herself. I would feel like a failure as apparent if she came to me for financial help (outside of a medical emergency).
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cael
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Post by cael on Feb 26, 2015 18:47:52 GMT -5
She doesn't actually wish she could beg money off her mother, it's the principle of it. I would not see my SIL as a failure if one of her kids went to her to ask for help if they needed it - that was her point. She feels the situation should be the opposite and the child should be able to do that. As the parent she would want to help her child, not try and get things from them.
(obviously she would help her kid if they had a genuine need, not if they were stupid and irresponsible)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2015 20:02:14 GMT -5
I don't want to be bombarded with sad stories and some people always have one. I distance myself from them. I'm over being the go-to person every time there's a problem, especially when the problems are usually self inflicted. I don't want to be stressed, angry, sad or broke because of other people's mess, and if that's all I'm getting out of a relationship, I stop entertaining that person. It doesn't matter who it is.
Unfortunately, those feelings are what I've been getting out of my relationship with my Mom for a while now, and I'd definitely be broke fooling with her if I did everything she wants me to. I haven't been talking to her much lately. She thinks I'm angry with her, and in a way I am. I don't like being distant from her, but I don't see her changing and it finally got to be too much for me.
What I've learned about people is that they're going to do what they want. If getting what they want involves using you in some way, they'll take and take for as long as you allow it. Emotionally, financially, whatever. There's usually an established pattern imo, and it has to be broken. Otherwise, the taking never ends.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Feb 27, 2015 8:18:49 GMT -5
I agree. At some point, people's personalities are fixed. No point in trying to change them, it only annoys you and them both.
Better to accept them as they are and decide what level of interaction you're comfortable having with them.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Feb 27, 2015 8:50:59 GMT -5
My parents were kind of crappy, but not for monetary reasons. My dad was a rage-aholic/alcoholic at times who was emotionally abusive. I often wished my mom would divorce him. My mom wanted me to be a different person with a different personality. No matter what I did, my brother (her step-son) could do it better if he would just try, which he didn't. Because I'm a female, I was treated as inferior. It was a pretty old-school attitude of women are supposed to do all the housework and shit, while the men could sit around and be waited upon by the women-folk. (F that shit! ) In some ways, they were just products of their times and upbringings (growing up through war-time). I spent a lot of time at my high school best friend's house to get away from them.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 27, 2015 9:31:43 GMT -5
What I'm now enjoying-not-is now that my mom is dead, the family feels free to badmouth her but not one of them lifted a hand to help me. Have you ever told them to shut up and feel free to badmouth her when you aren't present?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 27, 2015 11:32:23 GMT -5
I actually said to my aunt about the family standing by watching me get abused and her response was my Grandma, her mother and my moms, said for my aunt to stay out of it, that I belonged to my mother.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 27, 2015 11:35:29 GMT -5
You need to remember, I doubt there even was CPS in the 50's and 60's and early 70's. Even if there was, I wouldn't have known to ask for help and no adult or teacher in my life ever lifted a finger. Hell, my pediatrician threw his own son down the basement stairs which broke his arm. Everyone knew it and talked about it. Nothing was ever done to him or for his son.
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Feb 27, 2015 11:55:05 GMT -5
My aunt and my mom were raised by their uncle. in the 60's my uncle beat up my aunt, she had black and blue marks on her whole body. My aunt ran away. The cops picked her up and took her back to her uncle told her to stick it out until she turned 18. So I don't think there was much protection for kids in the 60's.
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Feb 27, 2015 11:55:15 GMT -5
posted twice
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Feb 27, 2015 14:09:55 GMT -5
My aunt and my mom were raised by their uncle. in the 60's my uncle beat up my aunt, she had black and blue marks on her whole body. My aunt ran away. The cops picked her up and took her back to her uncle told her to stick it out until she turned 18. So I don't think there was much protection for kids in the 60's. I know a woman who married at 13. She was escaping an abusive home by marriage. That was an acceptable way for a young woman to leave the household.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Feb 27, 2015 14:27:50 GMT -5
My aunt and my mom were raised by their uncle. in the 60's my uncle beat up my aunt, she had black and blue marks on her whole body. My aunt ran away. The cops picked her up and took her back to her uncle told her to stick it out until she turned 18. So I don't think there was much protection for kids in the 60's. There wasn't in the 80's either... --one who knows
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Feb 27, 2015 14:41:25 GMT -5
I actually said to my aunt about the family standing by watching me get abused and her response was my Grandma, her mother and my moms, said for my aunt to stay out of it, that I belonged to my mother. In our house, my dad never did anything to stop our mom from beating us or verbally abusing us because when they first got married, mom and dad agreed that dad would be responsible for raising the boys, and mom would be responsible for raising the girls. Since all the kids were girls, Mom got the final word on how we were raised. A couple times my dad tried to intervene and my mom would turn on him and scream about how he had to butt out of it because of this agreement they made. I know my mom's sister caught her beating two of us with a wire hanger once, and my aunt burst into tears and ran out of the room, but nothing ever came out of that. My mom turned on us and said "look, you made your aunt cry!" and then beat us with the hanger some more. I don't know if it would have made a difference if CPC was around then. Mom was pretty careful not to beat us or verbally abuse us when other adults were around, and dad would never have thrown her under the bus. If we had marks, she told people we got them riding bikes or sledding.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 27, 2015 15:18:46 GMT -5
I think it all comes down to whether or not a person is selfish or not. Whatever role they happen to play at that time (parent, child, boss, spouse...) a selfish person will always act in a way that gets him/her the most while giving the least. A selfish person cannot be shamed by being confronted with the depths of his/her selfishness. More likely they will either be proud of it, or feel completely justified. The parent in the OP wants money. The path to maximal gain with minimal input is to beg from others.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Feb 27, 2015 15:31:01 GMT -5
Threads like this make it a little easier for me to see what makes some posters here on the boards, tick. I have often wondered where some posts that are posted are actually coming from, on very specific threads. I am gaining a lot of respect for posters here, that I just felt were wrong in their opinions on subjects, but now I see where they are coming from. Please do not take this wrong. I am impressed, and gaining an understanding
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 27, 2015 15:33:14 GMT -5
My aunt and my mom were raised by their uncle. in the 60's my uncle beat up my aunt, she had black and blue marks on her whole body. My aunt ran away. The cops picked her up and took her back to her uncle told her to stick it out until she turned 18. So I don't think there was much protection for kids in the 60's. There wasn't in the 80's either... --one who knows That's when it was starting to change. In the early 80s, my Mom had 2 of us with broken bones and 1 sprain in about 4 weeks. I know our parish priest made a poor taste joke about beating the kids and Mom started to cry. I think she did have 1 doctor ask if things were ok at home. They were, mostly. This was us kids being stupid for the most part.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Feb 27, 2015 15:56:17 GMT -5
Threads like this make it a little easier for me to see what makes some posters here on the boards, tick. I have often wondered where some posts that are posted are actually coming from, on very specific threads. I am gaining a lot of respect for posters here, that I just felt were wrong in their opinions on subjects, but now I see where they are coming from. Please do not take this wrong. I am impressed, and gaining an understanding Perspective is everything.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2015 19:19:20 GMT -5
To be clear, I don't think my Mom was a crappy parent when I was a child. She was a single parent and she provided for and took care of us (honestly, I was kind of spoiled) and did her best to protect us. Woe unto anyone that deliberately harmed her children. I started having issues with her when I was 16 or 17, but even at the time I was mature (or something) enough to understand why she was doing what she was doing even though I still didn't pretend it was ok. Years later, she admitted how foolish she'd been and apologized to me. I'd already forgiven her and let it go, but I still appreciated her honesty and apology.
Somewhere along the line, after I became an adult, things started to shift and it started to feel like I was the parent and she was the child. It's not that she lost her mental capacity or anything like that. Maybe she just got beat down and tired, or maybe she just felt like it was my turn to look after her the way she'd always looked out for me....... I don't know. But it's affected our relationship in a negative way.
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