Crappy parents rant

[cael]

This is only kind of money related, so I'll stick it here (and mostly just a vent!).

So last night I was talking to DH about an old video he had as a kid, and he mentioned he thought his mom may still have it. I told him he could ask her, she was pestering me last week because he'd been ignoring her anyway so he may as well shoot her a text. Turns he out there were two reasons he was ignoring her: first, she made a snarky comment to him about his sister and the Greece trip we're taking, and second she asked him to borrow money. BUT - on HIS F**KING BIRTHDAY. On his birthday last week she texts him happy birthday, then two hours later sends this 4 part whiny poor me text about how she has been sick and out of work, and has a "mild case of COPD and got a new inhaler" and between them if she could just borrow a few dollars that would be nice. SERIOUSLY ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

I got so made I texted his sister and told her... turns out mom had done the same thing to her and she felt bad at first thinking she'd asked DH after she had ignored her - nope, DH was her first target, then two days later she asked SIL, who also ignored her flat out. We talked for like 15m about how we just can't even with this woman (I feel worse for her, it's her mother here). MIL has FOUR ADULTS IN HER HOUSE, but my lazy ass piece of trash brother in law and his lazy girlfriend (who are 18 and 22) do not work and just mooch off mom. And she begs her older moderately successful kids to borrow money, and neither of them feel they owe her a dime or have any desire to help her. It's the worse thing ever. MIL basically stopped supporting SIL when she was 14, but she's been supporting this live-in girlfriend of my brother in law's for several years now - and you want to ask to borrow money? Make these lazy ass kids get off their asses and get a job. F no.

The worst thing about this is, she didn't ask DH for a dollar amount but she did ask SIL - forty dollars. FORTY BUCKS. SIL is like so she's a 60 year old woman with a job, four adults in her household, and she doesn't have forty dollars.

The funny thing is I told SIL about her mom's question about our trip - MIL had implied SIL planned it. (she has this passive aggressive attitude towards SIL because she thinks she "has money" and ignores her... only one of those things is true) - I said I'm going to tell her no, we planned it, and since my DH owes his sister a debt we're paying for all our flights. MIL's head would explode, we had a good laugh about that.

Ugh, I just can't. I know there are people here with similarly crap parents or relatives, and I don't really need advice on how to deal with it, but I'm curious about how other people react to these things. Neither DH or I (or SIL) will ever loan MIL money, and if it comes up in front of me, I will flat out tell her we aren't able. If she questions why I will tell her our finances are not her business and tell her I expect it won't come up again. DH agrees but is too wimpy and non-confrontational to say it to her face. I told him to just lose his cool sometime and tell her off, it would probably make her ignore him and sadly he would prefer that.

But on his birthday is what really got me on this one. Really? I am so glad we live 5 hours away from them. ::sigh::

Thanks for listening guys. This literally kept me up last night I was so ticked.

[TheHaitian]

I think your MIL is related to my biological father

[cael]

All these crap parents out there must talk to each other to coordinate the sh*tty tactics they use to try and get things out of their kids!

[swamp]

Ugh, I just can't. I know there are people here with similarly crap parents or relatives, and I don't really need advice on how to deal with it, but I'm curious about how other people react to these things

I cannot control other people. I can only control how I react to them.  and by allowing them to take up space in my head, they are controlling me.

[TheHaitian]

Feb 25, 2015 9:14:53 GMT -5 cael said:

All these crap parents out there must talk to each other to coordinate the sh*tty tactics they use to try and get things out of their kids!

I am finally at 29 (shortly 30) at a point in my life where I can put myself and my family first without feeling guilty.

Now I just shrug it off and change the topic or completely ignore the requests.

[cael]

Yup. I know. I swear DH doesn't even get as pissed about this stuff as I do. I eventually settle down but it is just so maddening.

[cael]

Feb 25, 2015 9:20:15 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Feb 25, 2015 9:14:53 GMT -5 cael said:

All these crap parents out there must talk to each other to coordinate the sh*tty tactics they use to try and get things out of their kids!

I am finally at 29 (shortly 30) at a point in my life where I can put myself and my family first without feeling guilty.

Now I just shrug it off and change the topic or completely ignore the requests.

I don't feel guilty at all, neither does DH. DH used to, and he's completely over it. The reason she asks him first is because he used to be the one she could count on to feel guilty and do something for her... not anymore.

[TheHaitian]

Feb 25, 2015 9:24:02 GMT -5 cael said:

Yup. I know. I swear DH doesn't even get as pissed about this stuff as I do. I eventually settle down but it is just so maddening.

Because you are not used to it, same for my wife.

But for your DH and I ... The script hasn't changed, just the excuses and the reason why you should help them.

My wife is used to her mom helping her out, that is the nature of things, the way it should be. It still blows her mind that it can also go the opposite : parents asking or yet demanding money.

[The Captain]

Feb 25, 2015 9:15:25 GMT -5 swamp said:

Ugh, I just can't. I know there are people here with similarly crap parents or relatives, and I don't really need advice on how to deal with it, but I'm curious about how other people react to these things

I cannot control other people. I can only control how I react to them.  and by allowing them to take up space in my head, they are controlling me.

Close.

I cannot control other people.  I can only control how I react to them.  By refusing to buy into their drama, I deny them the ability to control me.

[cael]

Feb 25, 2015 9:28:20 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Feb 25, 2015 9:24:02 GMT -5 cael said:

Yup. I know. I swear DH doesn't even get as pissed about this stuff as I do. I eventually settle down but it is just so maddening.

Because you are not used to it, same for my wife.

But for your DH and I ... The script hasn't changed, just the excuses and the reason why you should help them.

My wife is used to her mom helping her out, that is the nature of things, the way it should be. It still blows her mind that it can also go the opposite : parents asking or yet demanding money.

Yeah, that makes total sense. My SIL is still blown away by it even at 40 (she isn't surprised by it though). SIL always says she should be the one asking her parent if she can borrow money, not the other way around - like your wife's mom helping her out, and like my parents help us out.

[The Captain]

Feb 25, 2015 9:28:20 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Feb 25, 2015 9:24:02 GMT -5 cael said:

Yup. I know. I swear DH doesn't even get as pissed about this stuff as I do. I eventually settle down but it is just so maddening.

Because you are not used to it, same for my wife.

But for your DH and I ... The script hasn't changed, just the excuses and the reason why you should help them.

My wife is used to her mom helping her out, that is the nature of things, the way it should be. It still blows her mind that it can also go the opposite : parents asking or yet demanding money.

There are instances where I have do say it can go the other way.

My father is the youngest of 13.  His father was a sharecropper.  When he died there was very little left for my grandmother (in her 60's) to live on. 

Dad and two of his siblings always made sure there was heating oil in the tank, food in the freezer, and a working car.  Another uncle, who lived closer, made sure the house repairs were made and the driveway was shoveled and she had the physical help needed.

It's ok for family to help family out.  It's not ok for family to expect family to support them when they are/were perfectly capable of doing so.

[Deleted]

I honestly cannot fathom my parents asking me for anything.  Even when they come and visit me they bring "lunch", which typically equates to bags of food that last us for days.  LOL

[cael]

Well, for example if my parents came to us sometime and needed help with something, we would absolutely help them to the best of our ability without putting ourselves/family in a bad spot. My parents will likely never do that because a) they wouldn't want to impose any kind of burden on us, and b) they are more financially comfortable than my MIL and likely wouldn't need help of a financial nature. But if they needed something and asked us, we would try to help them, because they are good parents and good people. It is reasonable in other situations to help your parents and I know that can also be a cultural thing to help support your parents as they age.

I wish I could say MIL was at least a good enough parent to have kept food on the table and a roof over DH and SIL's heads, but she barely managed that at times...

[cael]

That sucks, anne. Difficult to watch happen...

[MarleyKeezy78]

I am dealing with my alcoholic mother by not responding to the snarky guilt trip she is trying to lay on me. She has been cheating on her husband for a least a year with someone in our home town (she lives in another state) She will tell her husband she is coming up to visit family and then runs to her boyfriends house and barely has time for us, and when she is around us she's a total bitch the whole time   She denies the cheating and then her husband is calling everyone in the family wondering where she is but refuses to accept she is cheating (mind you that's why they got divorced the first time  ) We don't want to have to lie for her misdeeds. Then she tries to give you gifts to forgive her shittiness, no more for me god damnit!!! I grew up with her bullshit, I will not subject my son and DH to her crap! Facebook isn't even fun for me anymore because she posts all kinds of nasty or guilt riden memes and sayings and talks about how I hate her   Yup, glad you like to air out family issues on FB   It makes me want to post some really mean stuff sometimes, but I sit on my hands. I will not be manipulated anymore!

[cael]

Ugh god, that's awful MK, I'm glad we don't have family members that do the stupid passive aggressive FB drama thing! BIL has done it once or twice but he always deletes it, after he realizes everyone is going to ignore him ("I just wish I had a sister that loved me, I just miss my brother and wish he paid attention to me, wah wah") You're absolutely right to not want to expose your kid or DH to that bull.

[The Captain]

There is a reason I don't have a facebook page.  The whole passive-aggressive thing doesn't fly with me at all.  I told DH it's just easier if I don't know most of what's going on.

[MarleyKeezy78]

I am at the point of deciding whether or not to block her on fb, but am worried it would make things worse   We'll see. Sorry you are dealing with moochers Cael, I know there are many more facets to the relationship that makes it even more   and    
Even when my mom is being nice, she is being a bitch. All the lovely little things you know they are doing to you (to your face even) but others can't see it.

[giramomma]

Yeah. My parents are still punishing me and trying to control me. I don't react anymore. But, I also just don't have the energy to go there.

I used to react, before I understood I had a choice. And all it did was escalate things, and make things worse.

At some point, it's not worth it.

[HoneyBBQ]

Feb 25, 2015 9:15:25 GMT -5 swamp said:

Ugh, I just can't. I know there are people here with similarly crap parents or relatives, and I don't really need advice on how to deal with it, but I'm curious about how other people react to these things

I cannot control other people. I can only control how I react to them.  and by allowing them to take up space in my head, they are controlling me.

Word.

People only effect you if you let them. It's not worth the stress. 

[HoneyBBQ]

Feb 25, 2015 10:27:39 GMT -5 MarleyKeezy78 said:

I am dealing with my alcoholic mother by not responding to the snarky guilt trip she is trying to lay on me. She has been cheating on her husband for a least a year with someone in our home town (she lives in another state) She will tell her husband she is coming up to visit family and then runs to her boyfriends house and barely has time for us, and when she is around us she's a total bitch the whole time   She denies the cheating and then her husband is calling everyone in the family wondering where she is but refuses to accept she is cheating (mind you that's why they got divorced the first time  ) We don't want to have to lie for her misdeeds. Then she tries to give you gifts to forgive her shittiness, no more for me god damnit!!! I grew up with her bullshit, I will not subject my son and DH to her crap! Facebook isn't even fun for me anymore because she posts all kinds of nasty or guilt riden memes and sayings and talks about how I hate her   Yup, glad you like to air out family issues on FB   It makes me want to post some really mean stuff sometimes, but I sit on my hands. I will not be manipulated anymore!

Time to unfriend her on FB!!!

[MarleyKeezy78]

Yeah HoneyBBQ, I think you are right. I don't understand why some parents have to be such a#%holes   

[giramomma]

Feb 25, 2015 11:25:38 GMT -5 MarleyKeezy78 said:

Yeah HoneyBBQ, I think you are right. I don't understand why some parents have to be such a#%holes   

Well, mine didn't know any better. My Dad is a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps." sort of person. Know what would have been worse than me being a pregnant teen? Accepting any help of any kind from anyone, whether it was your church, a friend, or government. Goodness, that was true failure.

Seeing a therapist to treat clinical depression and other mental illness. Again. Failure.

It never dawned on my parents that they could have been the reason for some of my behavior. 40 years ago, you didn't try 25 different parenting styles to see which one clicked with your kid. There was one parenting style: get smacked around for not being compliant enough.

And, in their eyes, I had it better. I did. Sure, my parents were abusive, but, to them, the emotional abuse didn't even enter as abuse. In fact, they really do believe it was done out of love.

They think I had it better because I could wear short sleeves/shorts in summer and not have to worry about exposing bruises. They didn't ever walk out on me with no explanation, like they experienced. I was raised in a middle class lifestyle, not poverty like they were. They supported my dream, which is something they didn't experience. They were at every single school event cheering me on.

And, in these respects. Yes, they ARE right. I did have it much better than they did growing up. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

When it was clear to them that there were still issues, they just chose to do nothing about it. My folks knew I was self injuring. To have my self-injuring addressed would have meant they were failures. To have me see a real counselor. NO way. Much better to sweep it under the rug.

I think my parents also had very well founded  concerns about my marriage to DH. They chose not to share them with me. Which is too bad, because I think had the message been right, it would have been a good one.

But, in order for my parents to explain that the ONE red flag that I (and I think they noted too) had about DH was bad, they would have had to tell me that their marriage, wasn't all that great. My parents weren't the type to come to me and say "Hon, yes, we've been married forever. But, that doesn't mean our marriage is good. There's some parts that are down right bad. We see this in your your relationship with your intended."

If my parents had grown up today. I think things would have been a lot different. They would have been removed from one of their homes because doctors and teachers are now mandatory reporters. Being a divorced, single mom doesn't have the same stigma that it did generations ago. Getting treated for clinical depression would have been acceptable. Getting your child the emotional help they needed wouldn't have translated into the parents being a failure.

I do honestly think in a different time, I likely would have turned out differently. And, it's interesting to see how people will choose to behave after they've been told they are nothing but a failure for the first two decades of their life. I think, it's reasonable to expect that they will make choices to prove that they are not failures throughout their adulthood. You tell yourself that enough, that it's not you and you are not the failure and you truly believe it...well, then it's got to be the other person in the relationship.

[HoneyBBQ]

Feb 25, 2015 11:25:38 GMT -5 MarleyKeezy78 said:

Yeah HoneyBBQ, I think you are right. I don't understand why some parents have to be such a#%holes   

I wonder the same thing myself.

I've "muted" my own mother on facebook so her posts on her page don't show up in my feed. She can, of course, see mine and post on mine but I've almost blocked her a few times.... its rough.

[andi9899]

OMG! That is horrible! I don't understand why parents do that type of crap to their kids!

[MarleyKeezy78]

Feb 25, 2015 11:56:43 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Feb 25, 2015 11:25:38 GMT -5 MarleyKeezy78 said:

Yeah HoneyBBQ, I think you are right. I don't understand why some parents have to be such a#%holes   

Well, mine didn't know any better. My Dad is a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps." sort of person. Know what would have been worse than me being a pregnant teen? Accepting any help of any kind from anyone, whether it was your church, a friend, or government. Goodness, that was true failure.

Seeing a therapist to treat clinical depression and other mental illness. Again. Failure.

It never dawned on my parents that they could have been the reason for some of my behavior. 40 years ago, you didn't try 25 different parenting styles to see which one clicked with your kid. There was one parenting style: get smacked around for not being compliant enough.

And, in their eyes, I had it better. I did. Sure, my parents were abusive, but, to them, the emotional abuse didn't even enter as abuse. In fact, they really do believe it was done out of love.

They think I had it better because I could wear short sleeves/shorts in summer and not have to worry about exposing bruises. They didn't ever walk out on me with no explanation, like they experienced. I was raised in a middle class lifestyle, not poverty like they were. They supported my dream, which is something they didn't experience. They were at every single school event cheering me on.

And, in these respects. Yes, they ARE right. I did have it much better than they did growing up. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

When it was clear to them that there were still issues, they just chose to do nothing about it. My folks knew I was self injuring. To have my self-injuring addressed would have meant they were failures. To have me see a real counselor. NO way. Much better to sweep it under the rug.

I think my parents also had very well founded  concerns about my marriage to DH. They chose not to share them with me. Which is too bad, because I think had the message been right, it would have been a good one.

But, in order for my parents to explain that the ONE red flag that I (and I think they noted too) had about DH was bad, they would have had to tell me that their marriage, wasn't all that great. My parents weren't the type to come to me and say "Hon, yes, we've been married forever. But, that doesn't mean our marriage is good. There's some parts that are down right bad. We see this in your your relationship with your intended."

If my parents had grown up today. I think things would have been a lot different. They would have been removed from one of their homes because doctors and teachers are now mandatory reporters. Being a divorced, single mom doesn't have the same stigma that it did generations ago. Getting treated for clinical depression would have been acceptable. Getting your child the emotional help they needed wouldn't have translated into the parents being a failure.

I do honestly think in a different time, I likely would have turned out differently. And, it's interesting to see how people will choose to behave after they've been told they are nothing but a failure for the first two decades of their life. I think, it's reasonable to expect that they will make choices to prove that they are not failures throughout their adulthood. You tell yourself that enough, that it's not you and you are not the failure and you truly believe it...well, then it's got to be the other person in the relationship.

My mother however grew up in a stable, happy home. Maybe not quite middle class, but happy. She had me young (17) and I know it wasn't easy and early on it was happy, then she started drinking. She beat me so many times as a child (and into my teens) I am suprised I never ended up in the hospital. Between the physical abuse and still the mental crap as an adult I am done, she knew better. She won't even acknowledge she did those things and pretends things were so happy    This is why I don't understand the crap she does, and then she blames everyone else when we get upset. She also swindled her own mom out of a house. She can't understand why the family is so upset over her getting the home signed over to her, then not paying her for the home and losing it to forclosure! She can't see she took a huge chunk of my grandmas retirement money   I don't mean to rant or takeover this thread but  Ughhhhh!!!!! She pisses me off!!! 

[swamp]

Feb 25, 2015 10:57:12 GMT -5 MarleyKeezy78 said:

I am at the point of deciding whether or not to block her on fb, but am worried it would make things worse   We'll see. Sorry you are dealing with moochers Cael, I know there are many more facets to the relationship that makes it even more   and    
Even when my mom is being nice, she is being a bitch. All the lovely little things you know they are doing to you (to your face even) but others can't see it.

[be

She won't know if you block her.

[souldoubt]

Feb 25, 2015 9:24:02 GMT -5 cael said:

Yup. I know. I swear DH doesn't even get as pissed about this stuff as I do. I eventually settle down but it is just so maddening.

He probably doesn't get as pissed because he's used to it and he just shrugs it off or ignores it which is what you should try to do too.  My gf's mother and her sister are the same way and the only way to deal with those type of people after a while is to flat out ignore them.  Your husbands response is based on the fact that he's been through this all before.  At one time he probably helped which most people do but then you realize whatever you or anyone else gives them is not enough and it never will be enough.  They'll come to you with a sob story and when you finally stop helping out they'll tell you that you're a horrible person or act like you've wronged them.  Don't waste your time or energy dealing with someone like that because it's a lose lose situation.

[zibazinski]

What I'm now enjoying-not-is now that my mom is dead, the family feels free to badmouth her but not one of them lifted a hand to help me.

[Peace Of Mind]

Feb 25, 2015 9:15:25 GMT -5 swamp said:

Ugh, I just can't. I know there are people here with similarly crap parents or relatives, and I don't really need advice on how to deal with it, but I'm curious about how other people react to these things

I cannot control other people. I can only control how I react to them.  and by allowing them to take up space in my head, they are controlling me.

   Don't personalize somebody elses crazy also works for me.