Different $ Mind Sets

[marvholly]

My late DH & I tended to look at money quite differently (yes, it was an ‘issue’). We looked at a price tag of $12.99. I saw $13. He saw $12.

When it came to dinner EVERY meal HAD to include meat and meat generally meant beef as in either steak or roast. I was ‘allowed’ to serve chicken and fish 1x/week each. Today meat can be beef, pork or lamb which I eat NO MORE than 1x/week, usually 1x/2 weeks. I tend to eat chicken 3x/week, veggie 2x/week (NOT allowed at all) and fish 2x/week.  Forget breakfast for dinner.

he was unable to look ahead to save for the big annual or semi-annual bills like real estate taxes, home insurance & auto insurance.  I put away 1/12 of the previous year's bill + 10% of each every month.

[Shooby]

  Handling money is actually all about the mindset and not the dollars and cents. In order to be fiscally sound, you have to really think about money in sound way. If not, making more money never helps those who cannot.

DH and I have different approaches to. He really is neither a spender nor a saver. He pretty much just gets up each day, goes to work and doesn't fritter away money. But, he never had much approach to saving other than just putting it in the bank. He pays the monthly bills and handles that end. I on the other hand am both the spender and also the investor. I do most of the spending. Planning our vacations and I have more hobbies so I buy more across the board. But, I have also been proactive in investing as well.

[skubikky]

Feb 20, 2015 7:20:01 GMT -5 marvholly said:

My late DH & I tended to look at money quite differently (yes, it was an ‘issue’).

After he passed away, how did it feel handling money and running the household?

[NoNamePerson]

Feb 20, 2015 7:33:09 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Feb 20, 2015 7:20:01 GMT -5 marvholly said:

My late DH & I tended to look at money quite differently (yes, it was an ‘issue’).

After he passed away, how did it feel handling money and running the household?

I was going to ask the same question. And add that I hope you were left in good shape financially   But now you are able to do things the way you wish and these issues are no longer a problem - not taking away from your dh having passed away.

[Deleted]

Other than me being a control freak about money and passionately interested in investing and DH being far more laid-back, we're on the same page. That's huge. It even helps that one of us really wants to manage the bulk of the money and the other is happy to let them do it. (He does know what we have and how it's doing.)

With my first husband I was always bailing out a sinking ship. He spent money faster than he made it, he had no savings to his name and if he had any limits left on his credit cards, that was money he could spend. I was the emergency fund, of course. What a train wreck.  And we couldn't go cheap on anything- no generic brands, no second-hand, no shopping at K-Mart even if it was the same item you could buy at Macy's.  It was one of the main reasons our marriage broke up.

[HoneyBBQ]

Marv-

My father was a strict miser - now that he's gone (well, it's been 30 years) my mother has a shopping addiction and shops every day. Luckily there was enough of an imprint that she doesn't 'over' spend but she does spend every cent she gets from SS at Kohls, thrift stores, etc. She is definitely overcompensating for 20 years of being married to my father.

In my own relationship, we are very similarly minded. DH's ex-wife used to spend every cent he made so being with me is so far beyond what he used to, he doesn't bother with caring since I'm stingy and I also earn a wage similar to his. I wear the financial pants and steer most of the money. He's responsible for his own retirement accounts and allocation, I pay the extra on the mortgage and siphon out of our bank account for taxable contributions and DD's 529 and take care of all of that.

Regarding meat- DH lost 40 lbs in the first 6 months he was with me without really trying and he is rather thin now - over 6foot and less than 180lbs.  I cook lots of veggies and tofu, usually eating meat 1-2x a week. At first he didn't really 'get' it - as he was used to traditional meat, cream, potatoes fare. Once he lost the weight and felt so much better he really got on the veggie food diet and actually complains sometimes when I make hamburgers instead of veggie burgers.

The only thing I wish he'd embrace is the 'tapas' and finger food dinner. I love going to the farmers market in the summer and just buying a loaf of bread, some finger veggies, fruit, and a bottle of wine and not cooking and just sitting on the porch nibbling. However, after we do that, he's like "Where's dinner?" 

[happyhoix]

I was raised by a dad that handled all the money - he gave my mom an allowance. She never knew anything about their finances until he started having memory issues and she took over paying the bills. There was never any discussion of finances at home with us kids, other than the assertion that we would get married and our DH's would handle all that.

When DH and I got married I wasn't earning much, and I spent what I earned. If I wanted something I didn't have cash for, I wanted to finance it. Didn't like the old 'save up until you have the cash to pay for it' thing. Can't recall that I ever thought about long term savings/investments/retirement, etc. In my twenties, I went through a bad case of 'keeping up with the Joneses.'

Once we got married, DH rubbed off on me, financially. At the same time, as I got older, I stopped carrying what the Joneses or anyone else did. I started getting a mad rush from watching my 401K get fatter.

Right now, our house is paid for. We owe about 16,000 on a home improvement loan, and about 5000 on a car note. DH makes about half what I earn, and we're essentially living off what I earn and putting his salary into paying off the home improvement loan, our ROTH accounts, and short and long term savings accounts. I would attribute about 90% of our financial position to DH, both through his direct efforts and through his influence over my previously crappy money management skills.

[HoneyBBQ]

HH - you had to be open minded and willing to let DH rub off on you. Kudos to you!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH and I are about as far apart when it comes to money as you can get.

Fortunately overtime DH has recognized that "my" way is better.  He doesn't always agree with me and sometimes we come to heads but in general he cooperates with me.  

Logically he knows that saving and planning are better for us but he's very much a "present" person.  Getting him to think even past tomorrow sometimes is difficult, let alone trying to get him to map out the next 10-30 years of our life together.

I can't make him think like me, we're wired too differently.  So I am fine with him agreeing that we're better off with me managing our finances and him cooperating.

He's told me numerous times that if it wasn't for me he'd have a lot of cool stuff but would be in a boatload of trouble financially.   He gives me a lot of credit for keeping our ship going in the right direction despite his attitude.

He also thanks me for not killing him over it.

I had an easier time changing his attitude about money than I did about food.   He ate a very heavily processed meat centric (the fattier/cheaper the cut the better) diet.  It took me a long time to get him to eat healthier.  It was like dealing with a toddler.

He now admits it was never about him not liking healthy food, it was all about the way his mom cooks it.  Once he realized vegetables do not automatically come served as an oversalted grey pile of mush he was much more receptive.

[Deleted]

DW and I are on the same page but she wants me to manage all of the investing/long term planning which I'm fine with. I do make her sit through a "State of the Union" a couple times a year just so she knows where we are at. If a bus hits me tomorrow she would be fine because she has all logins/passwords and billing info.

[swamp]

Feb 20, 2015 7:20:01 GMT -5 marvholly said:

My late DH & I tended to look at money quite differently (yes, it was an ‘issue’). We looked at a price tag of $12.99. I saw $13. He saw $12.

When it came to dinner EVERY meal HAD to include meat and meat generally meant beef as in either steak or roast. I was ‘allowed’ to serve chicken and fish 1x/week each. Today meat can be beef, pork or lamb which I eat NO MORE than 1x/week, usually 1x/2 weeks. I tend to eat chicken 3x/week, veggie 2x/week (NOT allowed at all) and fish 2x/week.  Forget breakfast for dinner.

he was unable to look ahead to save for the big annual or semi-annual bills like real estate taxes, home insurance & auto insurance.  I put away 1/12 of the previous year's bill + 10% of each every month.

You make him sound like an asshole.

[TheHaitian]

We have find a way that works for us:
- I have come around to spending a little more, having fun and not trying to save every penny while leaving like a miser.
- she has come around to not spending every penny on wants and saving for tomorrow.

It works for us... We are not saving as much as I would like and we are not spending as much as she would like.
I call that a successful agreement

[gooddecisions]

We are both savers and live well within our means while maintaining a comfortable lifestyle. I don't like fighting over money. My husband mentioned a cleaning service the other day. I shrugged and said our place is clean enough but if it's worth it to you to have somebody do a so-so job 2 hours every other week, then fine. It's not going to improve my quality life so I personally don't think it's worth it. I find our so-so job sufficient and it doesn't cost any money. I reminded him that we would have to pick up the clutter before they came anyway. I hate clutter but he likes having a lot of stuff out and accessible. But, I'm not going to fight over it.

Was the food budget a huge argument in your house? I could see a lot of men wanting meat for dinner every night and unless you were so poor that you had to sacrifice a lot of needs, what's the big deal with meat?

[NancysSummerSip]

Feb 20, 2015 12:40:28 GMT -5 swamp said:

Feb 20, 2015 7:20:01 GMT -5 marvholly said:

My late DH & I tended to look at money quite differently (yes, it was an ‘issue’). We looked at a price tag of $12.99. I saw $13. He saw $12.

When it came to dinner EVERY meal HAD to include meat and meat generally meant beef as in either steak or roast. I was ‘allowed’ to serve chicken and fish 1x/week each. Today meat can be beef, pork or lamb which I eat NO MORE than 1x/week, usually 1x/2 weeks. I tend to eat chicken 3x/week, veggie 2x/week (NOT allowed at all) and fish 2x/week.  Forget breakfast for dinner.

he was unable to look ahead to save for the big annual or semi-annual bills like real estate taxes, home insurance & auto insurance.  I put away 1/12 of the previous year's bill + 10% of each every month.

You make him sound like an asshole.

I don't thing Marv meant to make him sound like that. He sounded like a stubborn, set-in-his-ways kinda guy; in fact, my dad was the same kind of guy. Hated fish and chicken; didn't even want it cooked in the house. Loved breakfast, but only at breakfast time. After he passed away, my mother branched out and got quite bold in her choices. She ate ceviche, sushi and most organ meats before I did.
My husband was very much the same in terms of food. Then he married a food writer and had to go along with experimentation whether he liked it or not. He's gotten quite brave for an old guy these days. In terms of money, DH was always the more conservative of the two of us.

[ArchietheDragon]

back when men were men. Before the pussification of America.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I could see a lot of men wanting meat for dinner every night and unless you were so poor that you had to sacrifice a lot of needs, what's the big deal with meat

I interpreted it as more the annoyance over it having to be steak or a roast every time. Depending on which cuts you buy those can get pretty pricey and would add up if you're serving them for every meal.

DH's diet when we met was Hot Pockets, canned cream corn and canned peas.  Definitely cheaper than our food budget now but not a diet I intended to live off of.

[TheHaitian]

I was raised and still believe that a meal at dinner time without meat is not a meal.

So yes, I have meat (pork, chicken, beef) 6 times a week and I gave in at the beginning of this year by agreeing to have seafood on Sunday because MIL was complaining about always eating meat.

[skubikky]

Feb 20, 2015 13:23:50 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

back when men were men. Before the pussification of America.

"And that's how the fight began...."  

[Deleted]

Feb 20, 2015 13:31:17 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I could see a lot of men wanting meat for dinner every night and unless you were so poor that you had to sacrifice a lot of needs, what's the big deal with meat

I interpreted it as more the annoyance over it having to be steak or a roast every time. Depending on which cuts you buy those can get pretty pricey and would add up if you're serving them for every meal.

DH's diet when we met was Hot Pockets, canned cream corn and canned peas.  Definitely cheaper than our food budget now but not a diet I intended to live off of.

if somebody doesn't like what I make for dinner, they can make their own food.

same thing happened when ex-DH complained about how I ironed his shirts - that was the last one I ever ironed.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

if somebody doesn't like what I make for dinner, they can make their own food

That's pretty much the discussion we had. You either eat what I cook, you cook or count on your mother feeding you.

He was quiet after that.

[HoneyBBQ]

Feb 20, 2015 13:41:48 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

I was raised and still believe that a meal at dinner time without meat is not a meal.

So yes, I have meat (pork, chicken, beef) 6 times a week and I gave in at the beginning of this year by agreeing to have seafood on Sunday because MIL was complaining about always eating meat.

What is it then, a snack?

[teen persuasion]

DH and I definitely have different mindsets regarding money.

When we first moved in together and I saw his credit card bill I was flabbergasted that he only paid the minimum, which was nearly all interest payment.  He didn't have a large balance, but I could see that paying only the minimum would take a long time to pay off, and result in a larger total paid than if he just paid off as much as he could at once.  I think he had needed brakework done on his car and had no cash at the time, so CC was it.  Paying the minimum was his way of conserving cash for future emergencies.  Once I explained my viewpoint, his eyes were opened, and he did pay it off ASAP, but it was not terribly toxic in his worldview.

DH just really doesn't think about money, using it strategically, planning ahead, finding the best value.  He lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.  He is very happy to let me handle all money, investments, shopping, taxes, FAFSA, etc.  Until recently, he didn't think he would ever retire.  He just had some vague idea that he'd work forever, or die before retiring, the world would end, IDK.  He always joked that his 401k was my money - I managed it, I worried about it, he didn't expect to have access to it (or the market would collapse and it would all be worthless).  

I would talk about the idea of FIRE, and he would scoff.  That is, until the retirement balances began to add up, and he got pretty frustrated with his job - suddenly something clicked, and it became more real to him.  We'd reached the point of FU money, and he started strategically planning his exit from that job, making sure he took advantage of a rather large sick leave payout.  Previously he had viewed it as worthless, but even at 50% payout it was five figures.  He even asked me how to have it paid out to optimize taxes - he usually hates "playing games" like that and would not want to request something complicated from HR.

He still wouldn't put in the effort to finesse our financial life like I do, but he is happy to let me do it for him.  He freely admits that he lives a more comfortable life with my economies than he would doing things his way.

[happyhoix]

Feb 20, 2015 12:17:43 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

HH - you had to be open minded and willing to let DH rub off on you. Kudos to you!

Hey, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. DH is better with money than me, so I try to always defer to him in that. 

I have good organizational skills and follow the boyscout motto of always being prepared. DH used to really suck at that -  he failed to complete work assignments in college because he would wait until the very last second to start. Over our 30 year marriage, I've rubbed off on him to the point that he recognizes a little organization and preplanning prevents a lot of stressful chaos and occasional failure. At this point he's the one that organizes all the family vacations, sometimes a year in advance.

So I like to think we've helped each other share our good qualities and abate our bad ones - I just wish one of us could fix a car or do plumbing. 

[giramomma]

I was lazy. I would only marry a saver. I have no interest teaching, educating, negotiating/compromising, with someone. I assumed I'd never be able to change my partner, anyway.

I will say, it's taken DH a little longer to adjust to our new norm.  That's because he wasn't watching our numbers go down like I was.

As for food. I'm also lazy. DH does most of the cooking. I don't GAF what we eat, most of the time, as long as it's healthy and won't make me ill. 

I also don't nag if DH folds my clothes "the wrong way."  I'm smart enough not to ruin a good thing.

[happyhoix]

He now admits it was never about him not liking healthy food, it was all about the way his mom cooks it. Once he realized vegetables do not automatically come served as an oversalted grey pile of mush he was much more receptive.

I had the same problem with baked chicken and pork chops. My mom was a bad cook, to begin with, and on top of that, she had some kind of phobia about pork and chicken having bacteria in them, so they weren't safe to eat until literally you could pry apart the pork chop and use the shards as a tooth pick. Her baked chicken could pass as a paperweight. 

I avoided pork chops and chicken for years, thinking they tasted like wood chips. The first meaty, juicy pork chop I ate was almost a religious revelation. 

 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The first meaty, juicy pork chop I ate was almost a religious revelation.

That's DH and brussel sprouts. I decided to try them after I read on here about roasting them. DH swore to hell and back he hated sprouts and would never eat them.

He said if you told him that sprouts would be his new favorite vegetable he'd laugh at you.  He's used to them being smelly soggy grey blobs, the fact that they could come out crunchy and sweet was a mind blowing experience for him.

[NancysSummerSip]

Feb 20, 2015 13:23:50 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

back when men were men.

Ah yes. When men looked like the dudes on Duck Dynasty, smelled like they'd run a marathon and then gone out to sea for a year and dragged their knuckles on the ground so much, the tracks they left went deeper than an overloaded swamp buggy on a rainy day.

Happy days, they were.

[t-dog]

My late DH and I sound like you and yours. He passed 5 years ago and in those 5 years I have grown retirement accounts from 80,000 to 266,000 and paid off a whole lot of debt. Only debt left is mortgage and student loan. Oh and I bought a house during that time as well.

[marvholly]

Yes, late Dh was a bit of a jerk in many ways. I did manage to teach him veggies were more than corn, peas, lima beans and canned green beans.  He also learned to eat a wider selection of seafood such as scallops & salmon.  I have added talapia & basa in the last several years.

In the 7 years between his passing (8/2003) and when I was RIFed (8/2010) I >tripled my my regular and retirement savings.  I still manage to live decently and save on my retired income.