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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2011 16:43:20 GMT -5
I find this all hard to understand. When DH and I met, I was making $130K and he was making $60K. Like, so what? We somehow worked out an equilibrium as to who paid for things. We maintained both houses till we got married so that was easy; I guess whoever suggested going out to dinner and chose the restaurant picked up the check. We traveled well but frequently used miles or hotel points I'd accumulated from business travel and credit card use. I tended to pick up the remaining big-ticket expenses and he'd pick up meals, etc. Now that we're married and he's retired it sort of works out the same except that we have only one house, of course! But the discrepancy has never been a source of stress between the 2 of us.
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Post by illinicheme on Mar 6, 2011 17:43:45 GMT -5
DH makes $58k and I make $124k + bonus (was $18k for 2010). We've got the same education and work similar hours. If DH is upset about the fact that I make more than him, he doesn't show it. He whines sometimes about the terrible compensation in academia, but he knew what he was picking when he went into it.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Mar 6, 2011 19:49:28 GMT -5
When my wonderful DH and I first got married, I made more than he did. (That didn't last very long, though ... he switched jobs and got a promotion, and then I quit and became a stay-at-home wife.)
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2011 20:07:44 GMT -5
I wonder if some of the complaints may arise out of a concern that the wife isn't financially dependent on him so it would be easier for her to bolt if she were unhappy (resulting in a dent in his lifestyle as well). The other factor may be that there's a satisfaction in looking around at your house and your spouse and family and saying, "Look what I built with my work. Look how well I'm taking care of my family." It's an oversimplification, of course. My mother had no income but was a SAHM who did it full-time and with all cylinders firing- baked bread, made clothes, no outside paid help- but it was Dad's job that enabled us to live comfortably. I get that "good provider" feeling and I don't think too many women are in that position. I like it. I can see how a man, who was raised with an expectation that he'd be in that position, would miss it.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Mar 6, 2011 21:15:53 GMT -5
But: I WISH MY WIFE MADE MORE MONEY THAN I DO!no the hell you're not!! I wish my chick made more than me. Then I could depend on her from time to time...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2011 0:11:22 GMT -5
. I get that "good provider" feeling and I don't think too many women are in that position. I like it. I can see how a man, who was raised with an expectation that he'd be in that position, would miss it. I think you might have hit a spot... Maybe he did envision his life a certain way (him providing) and it just did not turn out that way. But after that many years of marriage and 3 kids, you would think he would get over it already. And yes, I see the insecurity how the wife might have an easier time than others to say it's over and walk away since she does not depend on him financially, but isn't that the risk alot of stay at home moms or spouse making less than their SO take? It would be no different if the roles were reversed... she would have to worry about him going thru a mide life crissis, running off with a 20 something and letting her out to dry with their 3 kids.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2011 7:42:55 GMT -5
I see how the wife might have an easier time than others to say it's over and walk away since she does not depend on him financially, but isn't that the risk alot of stay at home moms or spouse making less than their SO take? It would be no different if the roles were reversed... she would have to worry about him going thru a mide life crissis, running off with a 20 something and letting her out to dry with their 3 kids. Exactly- I just think men aren't raised with the expectation that they'll be in the position you described, and some find it hard ot get used to.
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binl1908
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Post by binl1908 on Mar 7, 2011 8:29:00 GMT -5
Well I'm going to be testing this out in a couple of month's. My wife took a number of years off recently (some by choice and some as a result of the recession), but has gotten a new position thatl pays enough to cover all our expenses. I'm burnt out after working 30 yrs and being the breadwinner, so she's encouraging me to take a few years off myself. We'll re-evaluate at that point and maybe both stop working permanently....
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kimber45
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Post by kimber45 on Mar 7, 2011 9:36:00 GMT -5
I know DH wished I made more money than him so he could quit work and run our shop full-time. I'd gladly do it too, if I could find something.
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workpublic
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Post by workpublic on Mar 7, 2011 10:36:17 GMT -5
quite active sex life as they let slip out when they got drunk friday night (we were out together)
not even a hot sex session to go with it.
could that be what is perturbing you? ;D
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 7, 2011 16:24:22 GMT -5
I agree with the posters that say that being able to live on the lower salary is key. While I don't mind outearning DBF, I don't think I'd appreciate being the breadwinner if we couldn't possibly live on his income while still saving. That would create a lot of unwelcome pressure if he was still working (if we decided he'd be a SAHD and made the attendant sacrifices, that would obviously be different).
But on some level I think that people need to get over themselves and see their marriages as team efforts rather than who is contributing what, and putting an exact dollar value on every little thing.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 7, 2011 17:16:02 GMT -5
Cawiau's avatar gets more and more revealing... I'm worried about what might come off next! And I see Ameiko has made it here as well.
It probably has little to do with the circumstances and everything to do with the people involved. I could totally see cawiau being miserable if his wife made $200k, because of her attitude towards money. There is no way they'd stick to their current $100k lifestyle if she was bringing in $200k out of a household $250k.
They'd probably already have bought an $800k house, and would be in the process of remodeling it. Instead of just filling a closet with shoes and purses, his wife would fill a room. She would of course have friends in the same circle/earning power so she'd be competing against them and that is expensive. She would ALWAYS have to have a new <something she has 10 other of>.
Sure, there'd be some really nice dinners and vacations along the way. There would probably be a nice car, and some "things". But I can totally see cawaiu trying to talk savings and investments with someone who thinks she makes an almost inexhaustible amount of money.
Whether or not she'd pull the "I make more so I have more say" is to be seen.
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sil
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Post by sil on Mar 7, 2011 17:45:43 GMT -5
I was earning about double DH's salary until he got a new job last year. Now, it's a bit closer. The only people who know our pay differential are him, me, our accountant and anyone who reads this faceless message board.
I do think it would bother DH if our friends/family knew about the discrepancy. So I guess I'm less surprised that OP's cousin wishes his wife did not outearn him, and more surprised that he speaks about it.
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dcmetrocrab
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Post by dcmetrocrab on Mar 7, 2011 22:00:10 GMT -5
Sounds like a personal issue to me. You are not your friend, and you owe it to him to be supportive. However, he should be a bit more tactful exactly because of situations like this. I would choose my audience more carefully before complaining about the inadequancies of having too much money.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 9, 2011 12:25:03 GMT -5
...:::"I would choose my audience more carefully before complaining about the inadequancies of having too much money.":::...
Heck yeah. DF and I have friends who think that our salaries mean we should be bathing in champagne and snacking on caviar. They just don't understand that in a HCOL area, the same standard of living requires higher numbers.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 9, 2011 13:00:00 GMT -5
Cawiau, my DH agrees with you - if I made more than him it wouldn't bother him at all. Well, I've told him when my salary hits a certain spot, there's a cleaning service coming in at least once a month, that kinda bugs him!
I went for a job last year that would have been a $30K+ raise for me (didn't get it.) He supported me going for it and supports me going back to school to increase my chances of getting that job the next time it opens up. He's not threatened by it at all. And personally, I'd be tempted to tell your friend that he's being stupid about the money and to give it a rest around you.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Mar 9, 2011 17:22:41 GMT -5
My income is almost triple of what DF makes. My income's good (especially in an LCOL), but not ginormous. Can't say I'd be crying myself to sleep over feelings of inadequacy if she suddenly started making more than me though. TBH I think she's a bit underemployed / underpaid, but she pays her own way and seems to like what she does and we're doing fine money-wise so it's not a big deal. Still, maybe I should've been more of a loser so I could've attracted one of those rich doctor / lawyer types. ;D
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Mar 10, 2011 2:40:02 GMT -5
When we met we made almost identical amounts of money. He made 25 cents more but I got overtime and bonuses. He told me he wouldn't ever be with a woman who made more than him and if he had a wife she wouldn't work. That was in 1986 I gave him a hard time asking what if the wife wanted to work. He said she could spend her money on anything she wanted, so I asked what if she wanted a nice house and a nice car. Hard to support a wife who makes about the same money and wants to spend it on a house.
I let him feel good about himself, I didn't tell him about bonuses or pay raises and sent all my extra money to the mortgage company so I wasn't rich while he was poor. One day he came to take me to lunch and my boss asked him what he thought of me getting a raise and bonus the same day. He wanted to know why I didn't tell him and I explained I didn't want him to leave me. He said he wouldn't leave because I got a raise.
Over the years I have had good a bad years and so has he, he makes really good money now and I made really good money in the 90s and it doesn't matter any more at all. I still save my extra money so it isn't like I am spending wildly while he is having financial problems. He has no idea I am saving about 3K a month now, I am still broke most of the time and complain that when I retire I will only have SS and not pensions like he will have.
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