I may be the only man that say it...

[Deleted]

But: I WISH MY WIFE MADE MORE MONEY THAN I DO!

Seriously! My wife cousin-in law is always bitchin how he feels inadequate or less of a man (whew you had to listen to the guy when he was a stay at home dad for 4 years) and yadi yadi yada.

But what did he expect? When he met her she was a lawyer and he was a college drop out. She put him thru school and he got a bachelor in psychology and now working as a salesman. She makes close to 200K while he made 50K or so last year.

I wish I had that problem, I would take it any day of the week.
I wish my headeache of the week was if I should drive the Hummer my wife got me as a birthday gift or not.
I wish my problem was how I am freaking leaving in a huge house that I could not afford on my own.
I wish my beef was that all my 3 kids are going to private school and it is costing us more than half my salary to do so.

Everytime he start complaining I want to bitch slap the guy and tell him I freaking wish I had his problems. I wish my wife made more money than I do.

And the really love each other and it's obvious. But you would think after 8 years of marriage the guy would freaking stop measuring his worth by the amount he brings to the table. He knew she was a lawyer when they met, I am sure he knew or at least had an idea that he might never catch up.

[Deleted]

This subject came up with my ex and me back in the 1970s when more and more young women were going into the corporate work force and outearning their husbands.

My ex used to say, "I wish . . . " But you know what? I didn't really believe him then, and I don't quite believe you now. If the discrepancy is slight or just barely significant to improve your lifestyle, sure. But in your example, she is earning 4X what he does. And in your list of examples, would you really want to live in a house that you essentially made no signficant financial contribution to?

Sure, you could turn this around and say women do it all the time. But such women are essentially expected to sacrifice their careers to promote their husband's. Transfer? No problem. Someone has to miss work to stay home with the sick child? No problem.

I would argue that the sacrifices (that may not be the right word) outweigh the compensation issue, making the couples equal in the relationship. (I earned 1/3 of our yearly income most of the time I was married.) But if he isn't comfortable with the balance of power, I can see how he might feel like "less of a man." He may not appreciate being the one who has to take off when the kids get a snow day or making sure that dinner is on the table, etc.

I know I am describing a 1970s model. Maybe you young people have it all figured out, and the one who earns less doesn't assume more responsibility for the additional duties that family life involves.

[TD2K]

I could so be someone's boy toy

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 10:53:18 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

This subject came up with my ex and me back in the 1970s when more and more young women were going into the corporate work force and outearning their husbands.

My ex used to say, "I wish . . . " But you know what? I didn't really believe him then, and I don't quite believe you now. If the discrepancy is slight or just barely significant to improve your lifestyle, sure. But in your example, she is earning 4X what he does. And in your list of examples, would you really want to live in a house that you essentially made no signficant financial contribution to?

Sure, you could turn this around and say women do it all the time. But such women are essentially expected to sacrifice their careers to promote their husband's. Transfer? No problem. Someone has to miss work to stay home with the sick child? No problem.

I would argue that the sacrifices (that may not be the right word) outweigh the compensation issue, making the couples equal in the relationship. (I earned 1/3 of our yearly income most of the time I was married.) But if he isn't comfortable with the balance of power, I can see how he might feel like "less of a man." He may not appreciate being the one who has to take off when the kids get a snow day or making sure that dinner is on the table, etc.

I know I am describing a 1970s model. Maybe you young people have it all figured out, and the one who earns less doesn't assume more responsibility for the additional duties that family life involves.

I would say if might be true in some cases but in their cases it is not.

They both work in the city so take the train together in the morning from Long Island and come home together. The nights she has to stay late, he waits for her because he wants to (how cute) and she usually brings work home.

They pay her mom $500/week to basically take care of their kids. She goes to their house in the morning to pick them up and drop them off to school. She picks them up after school and take them home. Dinner/snacks are on her and snow days? They spend it at grandma's or grandma spend it with them.

They hire someone to take care of the major cleaning one a week since grandma usually clean up a bit during the week. So he really did not have to sacrifice anything and the time he was a stay at home dad he was going to school to get his degree. So even exchange somewhat.

I see how the income disparity might be an issue for some men but I really don't see why. She is not really the type (I might be wrong since I don't know what happens behind close doors) to pull the I make most of the money card and they do seems happy as a couple:
- couple vacations or get aways (kids stays with grandma)
- dinner out, etc.
- quite active sex life as they let slip out when they got drunk friday night (we were out together)

This is the one thing in their relationship that is bothering this guy and has been from the get go is his wife making more than him. He doesn't have to pull any of the "she makes more so he has to take over most of the chores around the house".

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 11:07:50 GMT -5 TD2K said:

I could so be someone's boy toy

I said the same to my wife yesterday
If she thinks I am good in bed now... king kong would have nothing on me if she took away all the financial responsibilities also

[TD2K]

This is the one thing in their relationship that is bothering this guy and has been from the get go is his wife making more than him. He doesn't have to pull any of the "she makes more so he has to take over most of the chores around the house".


Does she pull the reverse line on him? I've never seen the sense of the "I make more so you do more housework" argument if you are both working a 40 hour week. I'm with you, I'd love it if my GF make say 2x me because we'd be set up for retirement ever earlier. And no, I don't pay any of her bills so it's not like if she did make more money, I'd be getting anything directly out of it. I also don't think there would be any 'ego' type issues. She works as a research scientist and is about to get her PhD. All of the people she pretty much works with have multiple degrees and PhDs while I'm there with my poor old engineering degree . But I know I'm a damned good engineer and it's what I like to do.

[wodehouse]

cawiau, their combined income outpaces mine by his 50K (my spouse doesn't work) but their expenditures probably outpace mine by double (granted, we don't have children...late marriage for us). I suspect they're spending like they're making even more than that $250K.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 11:15:13 GMT -5 TD2K said:

This is the one thing in their relationship that is bothering this guy and has been from the get go is his wife making more than him. He doesn't have to pull any of the "she makes more so he has to take over most of the chores around the house".


Does she pull the reverse line on him? I've never seen the sense of the "I make more so you do more housework" argument if you are both working a 40 hour week. I'm with you, I'd love it if my GF make say 2x me because we'd be set up for retirement ever earlier. And no, I don't pay any of her bills so it's not like if she did make more money, I'd be getting anything directly out of it. I also don't think there would be any 'ego' type issues. She works as a research scientist and is about to get her PhD. All of the people she pretty much works with have multiple degrees and PhDs while I'm there with my poor old engineering degree . But I know I'm a damned good engineer and it's what I like to do.

I guess we are in the same boat. My wife is a Research Coordinator and wants to go back for her PhD next year and all her co-workers like your wife has multiple degrees, PhD's and MD's.

It used to or still bother her sometimes (I couldn't care less) when we go to company functions but I tell her to deal with it not my problem.

[phil5185]

I wish I had that problem, I would take it any day of the week.

My guess is that you wouldn't take it nearly as well as you think (I'll even point to your age & your avatar). It sounds good when taken lightly - but consider his position. His wife has provided everything - he has no life accomplishments to point to, he simply gets to tag along. She bought the house, the cars, let him take psych courses in college, does the investing, does the taxes. He is 'kept'.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 11:19:13 GMT -5 wodehouse said:

cawiau, their combined income outpaces mine by his 50K (my spouse doesn't work) but their expenditures probably outpace mine by double (granted, we don't have children...late marriage for us). I suspect they're spending like they're making even more than that $250K.

I don't doubt that they spend like crazy but not sure.

They purchased their current house in foreclosure and plan to do some major remodel to it in the next couple of years (braking down wall, expanding master bedroom, finishing basement, etc).

They sold their old house at a lost but she had the 60K cash to bring to the table at closing time (so they are definitely not broke). Not to mention it took them a year to sell their old house so during that time they were paying 2 mortgages.

And like my wife she does have expensive clothes in clothing... and the husband is not a saver either. He wants all the latest technological gadgets etc.

But I always figured that based on her income they can afford it after all they are sending all three of their boys to private school. So never really bothered to add up all the expenses to see if it matches their income.

[cronewitch]

There is an issue for many men, they measure their worth partly as being a bread winner. I knew a family where the man was a doctor and the wife didn't work. She inherited a fortune and wanted a beautiful home. She bought an old house and totally rebuilt it while raising his two kids and helping him get his medical practice up and running. She adored him and bragged about his medical procedure he developed. Even if he was the worlds best surgeon he couldn't ever support his family and provide a home for them. She was totally in support of his career and willing to raise the kids and keep house but he needed to see a shrink to deal with his inability to support a family.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 11:30:09 GMT -5 phil5185 said:

I wish I had that problem, I would take it any day of the week.

My guess is that you wouldn't take it nearly as well as you think (I'll even point to your age & your avatar). It sounds good when taken lightly - but consider his position. His wife has provided everything - he has no life accomplishments to point to, he simply gets to tag along. She bought the house, the cars, let him take psych courses in college, does the investing, does the taxes. He is 'kept'.

And what is wrong with being Kept?
The wife seriously adores her man, and brags about him. When he got a promotion 2 months ago, she threw him a party and took him on a mini-getaway. All I got when I got a promotion was a congratulations honey, not even a hot sex session to go with it.

yeah, I think I will take "kept man"

I thought once you got married, it was like a melting pot. Her accomplishements are his and vice versa. And you also have to consider the culture.

My wife has a Masters and going for a PhD, but in her moms eyes her biggest accomplishemnt is landing a husband. She doesn't present her daughter in social circles at :

"Here is my daughter, she got a Bachelors from Hofstra and Masters from SUNY and plans to get her PhD next year."

that means nothing to her... what she does it

"Here is my daughter... have you met her husband? yes she got married 2 years ago, it was a beautiful wedding. I got pictures. Look at her engagement ring, etc."

In haitian culture, as a woman you can be the best Doctor or lawyer alive but until you land a HUSBAND those accomplishements means nothing. So it is not like her family is looking at him and thinking his a bum.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 11:33:32 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

There is an issue for many men, they measure their worth partly as being a bread winner. I knew a family where the man was a doctor and the wife didn't work. She inherited a fortune and wanted a beautiful home. She bought an old house and totally rebuilt it while raising his two kids and helping him get his medical practice up and running. She adored him and bragged about his medical procedure he developed. Even if he was the worlds best surgeon he couldn't ever support his family and provide a home for them. She was totally in support of his career and willing to raise the kids and keep house but he needed to see a shrink to deal with his inability to support a family.

Sorry but this man needs to be BITCH SLAP into reality
Seriously? that bad?

WOW, maybe I am wired differently or just plain crazy

[Phoenix84]

I'm with you cawiau, it doesn't make any sense.

"I wish my wife made less than me so we could have less money as a couple and afford less things so I can stroke my own ego."

Makes perfect sense......

It's egotistical thought processes like this that make me ashamed of my gender.

I'd be thrilled to be married to a woman who makes more than I do.

[Phoenix84]

"My guess is that you wouldn't take it nearly as well as you think (I'll even point to your age & your avatar). It sounds good when taken lightly - but consider his position. His wife has provided everything - he has no life accomplishments to point to, he simply gets to tag along. She bought the house, the cars, let him take psych courses in college, does the investing, does the taxes. He is 'kept'."

Most women don't seem to have a problem with it. Why is it so hard for women to understand some men may not have a problem with it?

First of all it's unlikely I'll ever marry a women who outearns me, as I make/will make an above average salary. But if it did happen, I know I'm not contributing chump change (unless I marry a multi millionaire), I know I work hard at my job and do good work, and I know I'll contribute what I can on the home front. Why couldn't I be proud of my accomplishments?

"He may not appreciate being the one who has to take off when the kids get a snow day or making sure that dinner is on the table, etc."

I never felt like who earns less has more of a responsibility to take on more domestic/kids duties. I always thought it was who had the time to do it. If both are working a 40 hour week, then it should be relatively even. If one is working a 40 hour and another a 60 hour, then it should be 60/40.

[ameiko]

Social programming and genetics are hard to shake off. A man's ability to earn a living and provide for his family has and always will be a primary consideration for marriage. Even today with all our girlpower and the like, this will not change.

I am good friends with someone who earns less than me but I truly believe have the intelligence, drive, and social skills to became a huge success, possibly bigger than me. I could see the advantage in marrying her and would love to be in that possible fiancial situation; I'm secure enough in my success such that if she earned 5 times more than I, I would not feel inadequate. Heck, I'd be all for it!

[Phoenix84]

"There is an issue for many men, they measure their worth partly as being a bread winner."

I find it interesting that women on these boards think they know more about being a man than men do. But the men seem to think they know more about being a woman than woman do, so I guess we're even .

I don't understand why men keep saying they wouldn't mind it but women keep saying they're lying. Why do you think we're not being honest?

I heard a quote once that went something along the lines of

"Men would make better women and women would make better men." When you think about it, there's some truth to the statement as men knows what attracts men and how they think and women knows what attracts women and how they think.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

and plans to get her PhD next year."

PhDs usually take around 5 years to acquire and IME, throwing a pregnancy/child into the mix would complicate things immensely. The time required is far more than acquiring an MS degree.

Mine almost got derailed when I had to take off several months for orthopedic surgery and I had completed my classwork and was working on my research. Had I not been so far into the process, I'd likely have bailed and I had the full, unwavering support of my boss.

At this point, I have a dissertation to write and defend, so hopefully will graduate next Dec.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 12:39:23 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

and plans to get her PhD next year."

PhDs usually take around 5 years to acquire and IME, throwing a pregnancy/child into the mix would complicate things immensely. The time required is far more than acquiring an MS degree.

Mine almost got derailed when I had to take off several months for orthopedic surgery and I had completed my classwork and was working on my research. Had I not been so far into the process, I'd likely have bailed and I had the full, unwavering support of my boss.

At this point, I have a dissertation to write and defend, so hopefully will graduate next Dec.

Sorry I meant to say that she intends to start her PhD program next year if everything goes according to plan; not that she will complete it next year.

[achelois]

I don't understand why men keep saying they wouldn't mind it but women keep saying they're lying. Why do you think we're not being honest?




Because some of us have lived it. I made more money than my ex. I never thought twice about it because, to me, it was just what the market paid for our jobs. He brought a lot of other skills to the marriage that saved us tons of money and I respected them immensely.

I handled the finances until one year I was ill and he had to take over; he learned our salaries. He flipped and the marriage went downhill from there. Within three years of his finding out, we were divorced. We had been married twenty-two years.

I remarried eventually and the man knew from the start that I made more. He truly did not mind that I made more, BUT he took this to mean that he did not have to make ANY financial contribution to the marriage--which might have been okay had he taken up any of the housekeeping/shopping/homemaking duties. But, because he was a "man", he felt he should not have to do women's work.

But, I dunno, maybe you young guys are different. If so, I think it's great.

[restless]

My DH is absolutely ok with me being the main breadwinner. When we started dating he made more than I did but the company environment was not that good, he was even working weekends all year round, he's an engineer.

Also, we have moved because of my job so that doesn't help his end either as he has had to switch jobs. But we look at combined income, not what he makes or I make, we could also live on his salary if we had to. I'm more into climbing the corporate ladder than he is, he's a responsible, hardworking guy as well but enjoys his free time, he likes to be home at 5:30pm so that he can go running, he helps around the house and it's overall a great partner. I gues that's why it works. And he is an extreme saver!

I'm not so sure that you could have two overly ambitious people when it comes to their career if you are planning to have a family.

[Deleted]

Ever wonder why she made such a big deal of his promotion, and you got a "congratulation, honey" from your wife? She knows he is insecure. That's the same reason why she buys him nice toys.

Outside of the income strata with which I am totally unfamiliar, few women are kept. If they are sahw, there are duties involved with kids, social obligations, and often household chores. Study after study has shown that while women work more hours outside the home, men do not pick up proportionately more hours of household duty. They may outsource some of it (cleaning service, eating out, housekeepter), but the guys rarely take up the slack.

If you new millenium guys are different, I'm impressed.

[simser]

Yeah I suspect it's a lot different when the situation presents itself. Grass is greener and all that.

In my case I told my husband as soon as we started dating that I was going to get a PhD. He was fine with it- until it was almost done and he realized he didn't want to be "Mr. and Dr." He just started his. I'd love to hear what you think when your wife is done with her PhD.

And one of the huge things he's had to realize is how much goes on behind the scenes when you're not working. He always felt that all the housework stuff got done magically because I had "free time". He's starting to realize that free time is a myth if you're working

[Miss Tequila]

I think it would make my husband uncomfortable if I outearned him like that. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the plusses that came along with it, but at the end of the day he is more traditional in his thinking and I do think it would bother him.

[qofcc]

we could also live on his salary if we had to

I think that's the key to happiness in a relationship where the woman makes more. One of the guys I work with has a wife who earns more than he does and he's very proud of her, but he earns 6 figures and has investment property and could easily support the family if she chose not to work. She has 2 sets of grandmas and a neighbor helping with the child care and she works from home most of the time and he takes time off when the baby is sick and they seem to have the attitude that she can work until it's not fun anymore, then she can quit if she wants.

We recently went to visit another couple where the wife had been earning more for years as a business executive while her husband started a business. She was ok with it until she had kids and then she was getting more and more resentful until a couple months ago, they finally decided she could quit her job and work for him part time at home marketing his business. His business is pretty stable at this point (over 15 years) so it's really not that risky and if she decides to go back to work full-time at some point, this won't be a gap in her resume and she has excellent credentials and she might end up increasing their profits to more than make up for her loss in salary. She was saying (in front of him) that she wants everyone to know that she's there to work FOR him as his employee, she's not going to take over the business management and he's going to take care of supporting their family now and she's going to help him and concentrate on the kids (the housekeeper concentrates on the house).

[Elizabeth]

I have more than tripled my salary in the 5 years I have been married. I think my husband is proud of me, but I do think he would have an issue if I started outearning. He is also 9 years older than I am, so he probably still has some of that old school thinking. I wouldn't mind outearning him, but I better not have to pick up most of the household chores and childcare as well. As it is, I work over 40 hours a week and work just as hard as he does, but he seems to think that because I'm the wife I should be able to do all the chores and be the one to stay home with a sick DD because his job is "more important." However, if I did start earning that much, I would do us all a favor and get some live in help. Problem solved.

[swamp]

Mar 6, 2011 11:07:50 GMT -5 TD2K said:

I could so be someone's boy toy

I'm accepting resumes.


But seriously, I make more than DH. He thinks it's hot.

[daylight]

Cawiau, I hope I'm wrong, but I think you'd feel differently if this happened to you. Lot of things seem to work in theory and lot of things don't work for people in practice.
It's usually about people's ego, and people rarely realize what hurts their ego until it actually happens. Esp. if they want to appear honorable and modern-thinking and are not honest with themselves.
You gave the impression to me on this board that you have the upper hand in your marriage as far as talking/explaining/decision-making is concerned bc your wife looks up to you. People who make more money are usually accustomed to decision making (their demeanor simply changes with the more power they are given and this gets carried over to private life), and lots of times, this is what hits the less earning husband hard.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2011 14:59:49 GMT -5 daylight said:

Cawiau, I hope I'm wrong, but I think you'd feel differently if this happened to you. Lot of things seem to work in theory and lot of things don't work for people in practice.
It's usually about people's ego, and people rarely realize what hurts their ego until it actually happens. Esp. if they want to appear honorable and modern-thinking and are not honest with themselves.
You gave the impression to me on this board that you have the upper hand in your marriage as far as talking/explaining/decision-making is concerned bc your wife looks up to you. People who make more money are usually accustomed to decision making (their demeanor simply changes with the more power they are given and this gets carried over to private life), and lots of times, this is what hits the less earning husband hard.

I am really looking forward to the day my wife makes more than me... I was hoping it would have been the case already but she took a job she loved paying less (42K) instead of a job she would hate, travel more, etc (55K).

I make 53k, so it's not like really making that much more. On this board it might sound that way because we talk about finances and I am the one that hanbdles the finances... We agreed on that since I am better at it.

But every other aspect of our lives she somewhat controls and I really don't care as long it is on budget. She hates that because I usually go : wathever you want and she wants my opinion.

So just because she would make the money doesn't mean I would suddenly losing control of the finances. I can name 5 friends that have stay at home wives yet their wives are the ones that control the family finances and tell them what they can spend or not.

In our case my wife doesn't care much about it, never did. She gives me her W4 and 401k distribution to file out and that's it. My wife doesn't know how much she is contributing to her 401k or Roth or what financial institution have our money. She is a smart woman, she get talk forever about DNA, diseases, prevention, etc... But will give you a blank stare when it comes to finances.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I think how I'd feel about it would depend on how big the disparity is to a certain extent. I imagine it's pretty hard to get up everday and bust your butt for $50k when your spouse works roughly the same hours and brings in $200k. If he was making $100k and she was making $150k, it probably wouldn't be an issue. With a huge disparity between the pay checks it might actually be more palatable if he was a stay at home spouse. I think we're more accepting of the idea that a stay at home spouse pulls their weight, makes sacrifices so the working partner can get ahead, etc. We just view it as more of a team effort so it doesn't matter how much the working partner makes. When they both work and one partner out earns the other by that big a margin, I have to imagine it's hard to swallow for the lower earning spouse. Probably regardless of gender really.