When Kids Want to Quit. What is Your Parenting Approach?

[Shooby]

www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/01/12/when-kids-want-to-quit/

The first time my daughter said she wanted to quit the swim team, at age 8, I felt dumbfounded.

This is a child who has loved the water since her first YMCA swim class at 6 months of age, who cheers whole-heartedly for her teammates and who relishes the rare unfettered access to donuts and Ring Pops that summer swim meets provide. But when I gently shook her awake one Saturday morning, the first sound out of her mouth was a shriek of protest.

My mind raced with the sort of parenting questions that have no easy answers: Do we let her quit a sport that provides her healthy exercise and a fun social outlet? Do we make her take on something else? How would she learn grit and resilience if she just gave up?

I took a deep breath and plopped myself on the side of her bed, as her grievances continued. “I refuse to go to today’s swim meet! I hate it! You can’t make me!”

I tried reflecting listening. I tried reassurance. Clearly, she was nervous about letting her team down, and possibly tired from having to wake at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning. The high-volume complaints went on.

Ultimately, I told her that my parental responsibility was to take her to the swim meet, but that she would decide whether to participate. “Nobody will throw you into the water,” I promised her, which seemed to break the tension, if not amuse.

She stalked into the car under protest. At the meet, my husband and I stayed out of sight as her first event drew closer, and her coaches deftly talked her into the pool. Her skinny body sliced through the water, goggle-clad eyes trained intently on the finish of the 25-meter freestyle. She emerged triumphant and was engulfed in the arms of her swim team friends. We breathed a sigh of relief.

Then came the following Saturday — another swim meet. Again, we were met with shrill protests. We used the same pass-the-buck technique to get her to the meet, which thankfully was the last of the summer. Clearly, we needed a long-term strategy.

In the D.C. area, parents are often accused of over-scheduling children simply so we can brag about their extracurricular exploits. We’re all seen as building our five-year old’s college resume when we first sign him up for Suzuki violin or T-ball. I try to avoid falling into the competitive parenting trap, although I may weaken at times. Ultimately, I want my daughters to know they are loved and valued for themselves, not for their accomplishments. I try to expose them to a variety of sports, arts, language and other enriching activities, and let them discover what they’re good at and enjoy. I’m under no illusion that my girls will win a college sports scholarship or become virtuoso pianists.

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So why don’t I just let them quit? First, there’s my underlying hope that each girl will find “her thing” at which to shine, which will build self-confidence and inoculate her for the emotionally fraught middle school years. And frankly, it’s one of the pure joys of parenting to see your child work hard at an activity and perform well.

Then, there’s the concern that the desire to quit stems from a fear of failure or a preference for sitting on the couch rather than working to develop a skill. Often, my girls begin a new experience with enthusiasm, only to see their passion wane as the weeks go by. In my experience, you can’t really know if you enjoy or are suited for something unless you give it a decent amount of time. Trying something new requires more than a few weeks of one-hour exposures at a time. You sometimes hit a wall – when it becomes tougher to progress – that can be overcome if you just stick with it a few more weeks.

After our experience with swim meet related tantrums, my husband and I decided to take a more proactive approach at the beginning of every activity. We agree with our girls on the length of the commitment they want to undertake. Whether that’s an eight-week soccer season or 10-week dance class, they agree that they’re going to continue the experience to the end, even if they decide it’s not for them. We put this agreement in writing and everyone signs it. We hope this teaches the importance of follow through as well as the reality that activities cost money, which we’re not interested in wasting.

Once this system was in place, the first time our daughter claimed, “I hate this! You made me sign up!” we pulled out the agreement. Argument over. I also threw in some sympathy about how hard it can be when an activity isn’t what you expected, and reassured her that she didn’t need to sign up for the next session.

While our method has worked well for a couple years now, it’s not without hiccups. Once, my youngest daughter ran into a stumbling block with violin. It seemed her whole body was rebelling whenever the time came for practice or a lesson. Reminders of our violin agreement fell on deaf ears. But when I asked what she wanted to do, she suggested stabbing a cardboard box with her ballpoint pen. Seemed simple enough to me! After venting her emotions – and tearing that box to shreds – she willingly picked up the violin.

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And of course, I wouldn’t force them to continue an activity if they were in extreme pain or discomfort, whether physical or emotional. When my middle daughter’s six weeks of tennis lessons turned out to be with an instructor who refused to believe she was female because of her short hair (seriously), we let her drop out of the class.

Sometimes, this parenting framework means that my children decline to sign up for another session of an activity that I’ve seen them enjoy and do well. Then, I merely bite my tongue and remind myself that it’s their life to live, and their interests to develop. And I hope a friend will innocently ask, as one did this week, “Are you doing summer swim this summer?” The answer just might be yes, like it was this time (so far), and it will be hers to give.

If the answer is no, I remind myself that I was once a quitter myself. Violin, piano, ballet, flute, gymnastics, modern dance – none lasted more than a handful of years. These activities may not have led to Julliard, but they did cement a lifelong love of music and dance. As a semi-professional singer, I rely on the sight-reading ability that I honed at the piano to learn new songs quickly. And I can walk into any exercise class confident that I’ll at least be able to follow the instructor. If my daughters can broaden their horizons and uncover an enjoyable hobby, I’ll consider that a success.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis

[Shooby]

 We dont' want to make it too easy in life to be a quitter. However, we want to allow our kids to explore and try. And, if they have miserable experiences being forced to continue something , then I think they are going to be less likely to try the next thing that truly might be their thing. I don't think it is Either/or but a balance of knowing when to walk away and knowing when to grit it out.

[mroped]

Kids don't understand the concept of quiting at yearly ages. That's why we, as parents, should make it look like a choice and try to feed their desire, keep it interesting.
Many parents if not all, are guilty of vanity. They would brag about their children no matter if is the first step, first word or their wedding. That's what parents do! Wanna make sure that the world knows that they are proud of their children and that shows nothing but love.

In order to feed their pride, the parents push and push their children treating them as adults. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesn't. You can have two siblings being the opposite of the spectrum and it is up to the parent to figure that one out.

No matter the inclination of the child, if possible parents have to try pushing/nudging them into doing something else besides sitting on the couch.
Instilling discipline to the mind and body at an younger age is the best thing that a parent can do for his children. In time the child will find his/her own niche and will be thankful to the parents for "making me take..."

[Shooby]

  I think it is important to realize that most of these things are Hobbies.  If you decided to take up quilting and you really did not like it, would you keep doing it or would you just realize that it isn't your thing?  And, I want my kids to feel free to explore things but not feel like if they try something that it has to become their lifetime career.   There is nothing wrong with trying something and then deciding it isn't for you.

I do think there are times kids should quit. If your kid plays football and his heart is not in it, then I think there is a real danger of getting hurt if you aren't going to apply yourself 100% to the training and practicing and playing. 

    I used to think that kids should finish the season to not let the team down. However after having my kids in sports and coaching, I really think that if your kid does not want to play, then step out of it. You will let the team down more by staying and not giving it your all. And, that will also give an opportunity for another child to play who truly wants to be there.

And, do we really need to label our kid a "quitter"? Why put that label on them if they want to drop out of something? We have all tried and quit things.  So, yes, of course we want our kids to learn to follow thru. And, there are things that they should absolutely be made to do so.  For instance when my son wanted to play the trumpet in 4th grade, I said fine, I will purchase you a trumpet but you will need to be in the band from 4th to 6th grade. After that, if you wish to quit, then that is up to you.

[whoisjohngalt]

I just had to deal with this a few months ago...

My DS2 started to taking swimming in Sept.  While it was  my original suggestion, he seemed to really want to do it.  He LOVED playing in the water at the local beach. 

With every lesson he began refusing to go more and more, we pretty much were spending most of the 45 min with him either crying in the locker room or by the side of the pool.  He kept saying that the pool is "too big", which really didn't make any sense to me bc obviously our lake is much bigger.

I pushed and pushed for weeks and then I just stopped.

Now I think I completely lost his trust and he is not willing to try anything else.  For a "minue" he wanted ice skating and then he didn't.  For another "minute" he wanted to do gymnastics and then he didn't.  There were other things.

I won't make that mistake again.

If my kid wants to stop an activity - I am fine with it.

I am so over the whole "no quitting" crap.  Kids are suppose to try and experiment and try some more.

Unless your kid is on the Olympic team or something and bc of your kid US won't be able to participate - then who cares?

Adults quit things all the time!!!!  I have no clue why our expectations of children are so much harsher and more stringent than of ourselves.

[Shooby]

Yes, keep it in perspective. These extracurriculars are hobbies. You are allowed to quit hobbies. If you make a commitment to volunteer at the soup kitchen on X date, then yes you are going to keep that commitment. If you promise to go to a friend's party and change your mind later, tough taters, you are going to go because you said you would.

However, if you really don't want to play the trumpet past 6th grade and that was our deal, then fine. And, he did play one more year into 7th and quit because it conflicted with football. So what? He had some training on a musical instrument, learned something of music and is enriched. Doesn't mean he has to play his whole life.

[NoNamePerson]

I almost turned cartwheels down the hall when my then 7 yr announced that he was hanging up his football cleets     None of that "now you shouldn't quit ya ya ya crap". He realized he didn't want to play and that was that. He didn't grow up to be a quiter. In fact he would hang in there long after I would have quit in some cases.

He played baseball from coach pitch to Babe Ruth, played soccer and basketball and never quit any of them and he started baseball when he was six.  He just knew he did not like playing football early on. Sometimes you just have to let them make a decision on their own no matter how young. It's not like they are making an earth shattering life altering choice at 7.

[Shooby]

My approach with music was that if they wanted to play an instrument and I was making that investment, then yes, I would MAKE them for a period of time. During this period of time, I would watch and see if they truly had any real interest. If your child NEVER picks up his instrument to play for fun or never sits down to practice without you telling him/her, then you need to realize they are not interested. And, that is OK. My younger son played drums for a few years. HE practiced when I bugged him and was a very competent drummer.  But, he never played for FUN. He never sat down and experimented so in reality while he can play competently, he doesn't love it. He no longer plays now but maybe he will pick it back up in college or some other time or not. His choice. DD on the other hand will sit and play her piano for fun, without being told and she teaches herself new songs on her own accord.  That shows interest.

Same with sports. If the ONLY time your kid picks up a basketball is at practice, then he/she probably isn't going to be the star of the team. And, if your heart isn't in it, it only HURTS the team who have to practice with someone dragging them down and dampening their enthusiasm.

[Shooby]

BTW, for the Don't ever quit camp, when it is OK to quit? IF you "start" something how long is it till you finish? The season or many seasons years later? If your kid starts something in grade school are they then somehow obligated until they graduate?

Those extracurriculars are not their job. They are supplementals to be fun and enrich them.

[Deleted]

I'm with the try it, and if it isn't working, change it. 

The only thing I wouldn't do that with is honoring commitments on terms you were already full aware of before you started. If it's your 4th year of soccer and there are two more games left and the team doesn't have very many players, you finish. If you've been mowing lawns for years and you told grandpa you'd do the rentals this summer, you finish the contract... Etc. (Assuming circumstances haven't changed)

But it like when daughter had already done choir for three years, but her teacher left and it was a new teacher, that reset... Go once or twice and see... She didn't like it anymore and we stopped going before anyone would count on her attendance for a concert or anything.

So for trying new things, or when circumstances change, I don't care if you change your mind too...

[NoNamePerson]

Jan 18, 2015 9:17:59 GMT -5 oped said:

I'm with the try it, and if it isn't working, change it. 

The only thing I wouldn't do that with is honoring commitments on terms you were already full aware of before you started. If it's your 4th year of soccer and there are two more games left and the team doesn't have very many players, you finish. If you've been mowing lawns for years and you told grandpa you'd do the rentals this summer, you finish the contract... Etc. (Assuming circumstances haven't changed)

But it like when daughter had already done choir for three years, but her teacher left and it was a new teacher, that reset... Go once or twice and see... She didn't like it anymore and we stopped going before anyone would count on her attendance for a concert or anything.

So for trying new things, or when circumstances change, I don't care if you change your mind too...

I agree with this about "when and how" to quit. I guess I should have said when kiddo quit football it was before season started and he decided during one more practice that he had had it. But if it had been into the season I might have started the "you shouldn't quit mid year conversation" but would still consider his decision.

[Shooby]

Well, then we wonder why people get into a pattern of something they don't like and are afraid to change. A friend of mine worked a job for YEARS that she professed to hate every day.    Are you letting people down to change jobs? Yeah, sometimes.  But that's part of life. YOu need to do what works best for you and you can't always worry about all that stuff.

[swamp]

If my kids want to do an activity, I make it clear they have to finish out the season. They have made a commitment, they have to honor it. They are free to not join the next season.  

Except swimming lessons. Those are not negotiable. We live on the water. They will be good swimmers and will have basic lifesaving skills. 

[Deleted]

Jan 18, 2015 9:49:38 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Well, then we wonder why people get into a pattern of something they don't like and are afraid to change. A friend of mine worked a job for YEARS that she professed to hate every day.    Are you letting people down to change jobs? Yeah, sometimes.  But that's part of life. YOu need to do what works best for you and you can't always worry about all that stuff.

I'm not saying you don't change jobs. I'm saying you don't take on a contract where you know the terms going in, and then quit half way through the contract without warning.

[alabamagal]

It depends on the situation.  Team sports with a limited season, if you sign up, you finish.  Like in little league where they put 11-12 on a team and you need 9 to play a game, if you sign up, you finish.

We had a tough time with our older son.  He went to a VERY small private school where a good number of the boys played football and the team was 20-35 kids grades 9-12.  My DS has limited athletic ability, but he wanted to play.  He played junior high.  In 9th grade he was about 5'7 and 105 lb.  He showed up every practice and the coach loved him.  His main role was to play defense for offense drills and vice versa.  He was such a good kid, the coach made him one of the team captains.  Team was ~20 kids that year.  He only played on kick return teams, but when your team is getting beat badly there are a lot of kick returns  .  A different coach came in for 2 years and he loved my son, but he only got in on a few blowouts (they were winning some so there were a few opportunities.  This coach came down with cancer and my son grew up a lot that year.  Before his senior season a new coach came in.  My son made it through summer workouts and football camp (in the hot south georgia summer).  But at the end of camp he told us he wanted to quit.   (They did have 35 kids at the time). His reasons were that he did not like the coach, he yelled a lot, and he brought in some other student football players and my son said he would not play very much.  DH and I were upset, talked about it quite a bit and told him he could quit, but he had to do it in an adult way and go and talk to the coach.

Our younger son was on the team (he was bigger and much more athletic). They did go to the playoffs that year, and my older son said he didn't miss it.  My younger son said he really did not care for the coach, but he stayed on the team for 2 years before the coach left, and also played his senior season.

We were very upset with his decision at the time, but looking back (5 years later), it was not really that big of a deal.

[Deleted]

I don't necessarily make someone finish a season. If it's early in the first season, or a season that has undergone significant changes from an old one, I've been ok with giving it a try but not continuing if they don't like it. 

[whoisjohngalt]

Well, again, I am one of "those" moms - the well-being of my child, physical, emotional, mental - will ALWAYS come before the needs of ANY team, even the Olympic one.

Even with contracts, again, adults breach it all.the.time.  And yet, some think that kids should be committing no matter what.  No, thank you.

Such double standards.....

[Shooby]

Jan 18, 2015 10:35:45 GMT -5 oped said:

Jan 18, 2015 9:49:38 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Well, then we wonder why people get into a pattern of something they don't like and are afraid to change. A friend of mine worked a job for YEARS that she professed to hate every day.    Are you letting people down to change jobs? Yeah, sometimes.  But that's part of life. YOu need to do what works best for you and you can't always worry about all that stuff.

I'm not saying you don't change jobs. I'm saying you don't take on a contract where you know the terms going in, and then quit half way through the contract without warning.

My kids are not " under contract".

[Shooby]

Have you coached kids who truly don't want to play? You are not doing the team any favors whatsoever.

[Deleted]

Lmao. My kids take up and stop things all the time. I outlined the one case when I would not be on the side of just quitting. If you'd make a different choice, have at it...

[Deleted]

Jan 18, 2015 14:22:45 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Jan 18, 2015 10:35:45 GMT -5 oped said:

I'm not saying you don't change jobs. I'm saying you don't take on a contract where you know the terms going in, and then quit half way through the contract without warning.

My kids are not " under contract".

You were the one who introduced a job analogy... 

[busymom]

I've always encouraged my kids to at least "finish the season". If they want to quit once the season is done, I'm o.k. with that. BUT, I will encourage them to try a different activity. How will they learn what their strengths are, otherwise?

[Shooby]

Jan 18, 2015 14:44:23 GMT -5 oped said:

Jan 18, 2015 14:22:45 GMT -5 Shooby said:

My kids are not " under contract".

You were the one who introduced a job analogy... 

Yes. Most jobs are not contact jobs. You are allowed to quit.

[murphath]

Our kids are all adults now but when they were younger we had a few rules re extracurricular activities:

1.  School was the #1 priority. It was their job just like mom and dad had a job. If they wanted to participate in extra stuff, they had to do their job to the best of their ability (and we didn't base it on grades--just their effort).

2. Only one extracurricular activity at a time.

3. If they wanted to do an activity, they could not quit until that set of lessons and/or season was over.

Our hope in all this was for them to find an activity that they couldn't live without. In that way, they would also know they had to work hard in school in order to continue the activity. DD1 eventually settled on figure skating and she spent around 10 years waking me up at 4:30 a.m.. That, too, was part of the deal. I wasn't going to force her to get up and going.  If she wanted to skate, she had to set her own alarm and then wake me up. DD2, in contrast, was actually a much better athlete and would have been a beautiful skater--but she didn't want to get up early so that ended that. She did several sports but fell in love with basketball in 4th grade and played all the way through college. That girl would do anything to play basketball.  Our theory worked on those two: DD1 has doctorate in physical therapy and DD2 is a medical doctor.

Our theory kind of fell apart with child #3: the boy!!   Why?  Because he loved all sports: not because he wanted to practice and get good at any; he just wanted to be around all the other kids.  He is a social animal bar none.  While just as intelligent as his sisters, if he wasn't personally interested in a subject, he wasn't going to give it his all.  I think he is singularly responsible for all my gray hair (only a few strands, actually).  In high school he did find his passion: acting!  He majored in theater and performs in local plays while working full time in the insurance industry.  In the end, his social skills are being used to the max.

All this to say, who knows what works.  I just thank God that they all turned out well and we didn't have any major issues (other than a few car accidents--guess who?) to deal with.

[chen35]

Our only request is that the kids do something active. Doesn't matter what. Youngest DS would play video games all day if we would let him. Because we have pushed doing something active, he now does track and soccer. He's tried basketball and football, and didn't care for them. If he wants to quit either track or soccer those and just do the other, fine. But he can't quit both and just sit around all day. 

[Ryan]

I know I have some friends whose kids wanted to quit at a young age and it's been a battle for them.  My son is involved with soccer, baseball, and some other random activities and I've been lucky so far.  I wouldn't say that he loves soccer, but I get the impression that he thinks it's not an option to quit so he doesn't fuss about it.  He is extremely responsible though so he tends to keep his obligations. 

There will likely come a day when my son will want to quit soccer (based on his attitude towards it now in general) and we'll have to deal with it then.  It seems like he doesn't really enjoy team sports and is not as aggressive as other kids his age, even though his skills are pretty good.  

The strange thing is that he was in occupational/physical therapy due to sensory issues and they recommended going to a fitness place to work on strength, balance, coordination, etc.  He goes once a week and loves it to the point where he wants to do that stuff everyday at home.