When To Stop Giving Money To Nieces and Nephews

[micky]

Not a huge problem, but curious how others have handled. We are childless couple, we have 7 nieces and nephews from both sides. Two of the seven have recently graduated college. We have always been the only Aunt/Uncle of the family that actually remembers birthdays and Christmas and we almost always have given the kids money for these occasions.

But now that two are graduated from college when do we stop sending them money for every birthday and on Christmas? The problem is compounded that their siblings are all younger than them? How do you handle when you cut that off? Are we just expected to send money forever? I know this is a tiny issue but it's one I just go round and round with. Would love to hear how other have dealt with this.

[Deleted]

You're fine as long as you just pick an age and go with it for all of them. It is their coming of age. Only kids get the money.

[busymom]

We've got an agreed cut-off age in our family. The kids all know this. In our particular situation, the age is 18, or, after you've graduated from high school (the later of the 2). Since the oldest are just out of college, perhaps that's the age you could stop. To be fair, (if you can afford it), keep gifting the younger ones until they finish college. Of course, you can keep sending cards on birthdays, etc.

[mroped]

I'd cut off the "financial aid" to the older ones but probably need to have a heart to heart discussion as in " we'll be there for you if needed!" They need to fend for themselves!
The younger ones I'd still keep on giving them until they finish school. Not much but enough to show that you care about them.
We approached this in a different way: we gave all the same in a bigger chunk. Gave more when one was in need but made sure that the others have some too. The two older ones should be done but we have younger ones that we will give some if we can when time comes.

[sesfw]

When DH#1 was still living we would give his bros kids $50 for Christmas each year. My Bill has been gone for more than 16 years and I've married again ......... but I still give the funds each Christmas. And the kids are in their 30s.

In your case I think college graduation would be the cut-off for funds as long as you do the same for all of them.

Keep up with the cards but cut out the funds.

[Pants]

I would say it would depend on the amount of money - if they are each getting $1000 bucks every birthday, then yeah, saying "Congrats now you're an adult no more cash flow!" is probably warranted. If they've been getting $25 or $50, I would say the first card that doesn't have a check would make it pretty clear.

[lynnerself]

I have 12 nieces and nephews. We stopped sending gifts at high school graduation. Sometimes a little longer if they were still at home and would be with younger siblings at Christmas.
But generally their high school graduation gift was the last (except for events like college graduation, weddings etc.)

[Lizard Queen]

Yeah, I'd go until at least they're done with high school.  My sister's kids ended when we stopped seeing them at birthdays/Christmas (and they were all grown).  Definitely end it when they get their first real job.  For example, one of my nieces is an RN and makes more than I ever did.  Why would I keep gifting her?  (I actually stopped a couple years ago, per previously described criteria.)  However, if I had a ton of money I wanted to get rid of, I guess I would continue indefinitely.  I'm not that loaded, though. Far from it!

[midwestlily]

I'm 57 and my 81-year-old uncle sent me a check for $300 for Christmas.  Which I don't really need, but he and his wife (who passed away recently) have been doing it all my life.  I've never asked them for money and probably should have told them to stop this years ago.  They never had children, so they've been generous to me and, I assume, her niece and three nephews.

I agree with the others, cut it off when the children come of age or finish college or whatever.  Otherwise you might find yourself still sending money to people in their fifties.

[Chocolate Lover]

My uncle never had kids and had 4 nieces. We got money into adulthood but not into our 30s. I was the only one with kids until about a year ago. I still got the same cash for a couple of years, then a little less, then a little less, then the food gifts that his generation was getting.  The first year of no cash was a little tiny bit surprising but I didn't really think he'd keep on forever anyway. So, that was unhelpful since I have no idea when he cut off the cash exactly, but that's my only experience with it. 

[Bob Ross]

I'd think it'd be ok to cut them off anytime you feel like it.

If you think closure is required, you can always send them a note that says "you're on your own, sucker!"

This would be especially funny if you only gave them a paltry sum to begin with, like $5 on their b-day.

Then they'll think you're crazy and not bother you anymore.

Oh, you want them to continue to bother you?  I guess that IS a conundrum.

[billisonboard]

Jan 8, 2015 9:25:48 GMT -5 micky said:

Not a huge problem, but curious how others have handled. We are childless couple, we have 7 nieces and nephews from both sides. Two of the seven have recently graduated college. We have always been the only Aunt/Uncle of the family that actually remembers birthdays and Christmas and we almost always have given the kids money for these occasions.

But now that two are graduated from college when do we stop sending them money for every birthday and on Christmas? The problem is compounded that their siblings are all younger than them? How do you handle when you cut that off? Are we just expected to send money forever? I know this is a tiny issue but it's one I just go round and round with. Would love to hear how other have dealt with this.

Why did you send it in the first place? You indicate that you were the only ones who did. I don't understand where "expected to send" comes from. As a young adult just getting started, I appreciated the small birthday check from my grandmother. I would use it to take the wife out to eat at a little nicer place. We would raise our water glasses in toast to her. There did come a time when that small check did become more of a pain then really worth it once I was making enough to afford niceties on my own, but I still got that check each year. I type this with fond memory of my long deceased grandmother. If you are just sending money out of a sense of obligation to ungrateful brats, just stop sending it. If you are building a legacy of being a loving, caring presence in their lives, i would say keep sending it.

[Tiny]

I'm single, no kids, and have a lot of nephews/neices.   When each turned 18 - that was the last b-day gift (but I was giving them like $30 to $50).  I did give them each a 21st b-day gift - usually a gift card that they could use while at college (walmart or a gas card or something else) for $210.00     They were all in college (well some of them sorta) and I knew they could use the money.   I also gave them 'graduation gifts' if they actually graduated (some are still working on that milestone 10 years later).   The christmas gifts also stopped at 18 after that I got them something in the $10 range for Christmas until they graduated College (or turned 22/23).     That way the older ones still got a 'gift' while their younger siblings unwrapped stuff.  

I think it really comes down to how much you have been bankrolling them - if you've been giving them $50 or less (or maybe even $100 or less) I don't think you need to warn them the $$ aren't coming.     If you've been gifting them big amounts of money (I have heard a co-worker fess up to giving $500 gifts!! and then a woman on the train I use to chat with gave her extended family gifts of $250 - $300 and had done so for decades!!!) I'd definitely try to find a tactful way to let them know they were off the dole.  

Don't forget the 'kids' will eventually possibly get married or buy a house/condo... so if you stop gifting them $$ when they graduate college - but feel bad - you can put the 'gift money' into savings/reserves... and then write them a REALLY big check when they get married/buy a house or some other life milestone that's important to them. 

FWIW:  I was glad I had established a age to 'cut off' the kids.   One family of kids are takers - they are the ones still attempting to finish college or get a job or needing money to do X so they can be 'successful'.  They are ALWAYS looking for hand out money - but don't ever really 'accomplish' anything with it - other than take a really nice trip somewhere, get the nice apartment/car/gadgets, eat expensive food (think whole foods and lots of high end restaurants - cause you know they have to eat 'healthy'!). 

I do help the kids that are making a go at life (gift cards seem to work good for this - gas station cards, target/cvs/walmart) every now and then - not tied to any event just out of the blue. I do what I can that doesn't involve $$ for the 'takers', as well.   
 

 

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I think once they are out of high school.  At that point, they are adults and can fend for themselves.  My aunts/uncles always gave us gifts as kids but they stopped around high school graduation.  Through college and beyond, they provided more practical support (kept my car safe when I was in the area and needed to fly out to see my parents, provided help moving, gave me a place to crash if I was going through their town or in town for a funeral, etc).  I appreciate those and remember those more than most of the presents I got as a kid.


I still have the hiking boots my aunt gave me (they were hers) from when I was staying with her before going into the wilderness camping (I was moving cross country at the time and had no boots of my own).  I still think of her everytime I wear them      

[Bonny]

I'm glad you posted this question.

I'll tell you one way NOT to handle which is how my aunt did. We all got a letter one year saying she was cutting us off because we didn't send her "thank you" cards. Which wasn't true. One of the good things my mother did was to instill in me the need to write the "thank you" note before I played with toy, wore the clothes or cashed the check. I'm still like that today. I tdidn't appreciate being lumped in with the others. It would have been much better if she had just been honest and said she couldn't afford it or she used an arbitrary age like 18.

That said, I don't blame anyone for cutting off recipients who can't be bothered to write a "thank you" note.

I'm already seeing it with my brother's kids. Niece wrote a thank you note. Nothing from the youngest son.He's 17 so it's not like he doesn't know better.

[kcladyjane]

My aunts and uncles used to get Christmas presents for me, my siblings, and 1st cousins.  They stopped this when each of us got married.  Now that I have a baby I noticed that they all bought presents for my baby at Christmas. 

[tskeeter]

We're in the same boat as Micky. Hords of nephews and nieces.  I expect that we'll continue with gifts until they are through with college, or at the age that they would be through college.  After all, what college student can't use a few bucks as a birthday or Christmas gift.

When we were younger, but no longer kids, our aunt and uncle gave us a small gift for Christmas.  On the order of a box of candy from a special candy maker. 

[Sunnyday]

I don't get the point of calling it support? And people saying that it's time for the support to stop or whatnot.

I can hardly believe that $20-50 for birthdays or Christmas or any other holiday would constitute support of any kind.

It's a gift. They never asked for it, and if you don't feel like giving it, don't. All normal gift giving rules should apply here. Would you stop giving your nieces and nephews gifts once they turn 18 if you were spending about $30 on them? Should it matter that it's money that you gifted?

[CarolinaKat]

Jan 8, 2015 9:28:15 GMT -5 busymom said:

We've got an agreed cut-off age in our family. The kids all know this. In our particular situation, the age is 18, or, after you've graduated from high school (the later of the 2). Since the oldest are just out of college, perhaps that's the age you could stop. To be fair, (if you can afford it), keep gifting the younger ones until they finish college. Of course, you can keep sending cards on birthdays, etc.

My Aunts do this.... they have terrible taste in cards, but it's sweet they remember. They've even started sending them to DH

In my Family, you get gifts until you are out of college, living on your own or married whichever cmes first.

DH's family, it's after you graduate HS. Although his mom still gets EVERYONE a Christmas present. We also exchange with his oldest sister and her husband... this year I made them candy and they gave us cheese puffs in a giant tub!

ETA: Between the two families, there are 19 kids under the age of 18

[sarcasticgirl]

The only aunt/uncle DH and I get gifts from is the couple that has no children. 

DH and I have 6 nieces/nephews between us. We have no children. I anticipate sending them something for birthdays/christmas indefinitely. 

[Tennesseer]

If you wish, until they finish their schooling, be it college or high school.

[kittensaver]

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules here about what you "should" do. We are also DINKS with 7 nieces and nephews (and some now have spouses and children. And a couple of them now make more than we do - two lawyers and a doctor). I think you should do what is comfortable for you, and not worry about arbitrary age cut-offs. Gifting should (sez me) be a token of your good feelings for the person, and not some "obligation." JMHO YMMV.

We still gift selectively to all of them. If we see them in person for a special occasion (birthday, Christmas, etc) we always bring a gift (sometimes that gift is cash or a check in an envelope, sometimes it is a physical gift if we know of something they want). If we are not going to see them, we usually just send a card. And I know we won't stop because we raised two of our nieces and they feel like "our" children. And we are very fond of their spouses and their children. Their children feel like grandkids, not like great nieces and nephews.

Do what works for you .

[billisonboard]

Jan 8, 2015 14:18:04 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules here about what you "should" do. We are also DINKS with 7 nieces and nephews (and some now have spouses and children. And a couple of them now make more than we do - two lawyers and a doctor). I think you should do what is comfortable for you, and not worry about arbitrary age cut-offs. Gifting should (sez me) be a token of your good feelings for the person, and not some "obligation." JMHO YMMV.

We still gift selectively to all of them. If we see them in person for a special occasion (birthday, Christmas, etc) we always bring a gift (sometimes that gift is cash or a check in an envelope, sometimes it is a physical gift if we know of something they want). If we are not going to see them, we usually just send a card. And I know we won't stop because we raised two of our nieces and they feel like "our" children. And we are very fond of their spouses and their children. Their children feel like grandkids, not like great nieces and nephews.

Do what works for you .

I am "fortunate" in that I have a strong 3 am alarm that wakes me up and tells me I need to act or act differently. It keeps going off until I play attention to it.

[micky]

Thanks all for the good replies. It isn't a money problem for us, we have plenty to give, and the gifts are usually only about $75 a kid. It was more a question because now that two are out of college it just seems odd to be giving them money in this manner and I have visions of sending them money when they're 50 years old and that just weirds me out - LOL. I just wasn't sure if anyone else had the same question. And yes, to a few of you who said we don't even see these two now at family events because they are busy living their own adult lives. We also don't get thank you cards 99% of the time - so not sure why we bother other than it just feels odd to get together on Christmas Eve with all these relatives and not have anything for the kids. I like the idea of no more cash for the older ones, if they do attend a family function some small gift is a better idea.

[trippypea]

There aren't many kids in our family and we aren't particularly close to our niece and nephew and usually only see on holidays. When I was growing up, I only got gifts until I graduated high school, so that is what I took as the benchmark for my own niece and nephew. My nephew is almost 30 and we stopped gifting on birthdays when he graduated high school (didn't go on to college). My niece is currently in college, and we still gift her on birthdays. I figure we will stop when she is officially out of school. They both still get Christmas presents, which is usually money, unless they've asked for something specific...

[Deleted]

I'd say stop at end of college. Or, stop when the next generation comes along and give to them instead, but make it less, like 5-10 dollars... But only if it makes you happy and you have the funds. 

[moneymom]

You sound as if you want to stop, in which case stop now.  I would absolutely hate to know that an aunt or uncle were gifting me money for a holiday and were just eager to get it over with.  If you WANT to continue but it's becoming too big of an investment, I'd switch to giving everyone two movie tickets instead of cash (assuming that will save you a lot of $$).  

[garion2003]

I don't have any nephews or nieces. For me it's my friends kids, and my cousin's children.  On my mother's side I have 1, my cousin and his wife adopted a baby years ago and until this Christmas I hadn't seen them since. A cousin on my dad's side has 2 kids, I've seen them both once at my brother's wedding 7 years ago, and saw one of them last summer. they are still young tho.  My parents have faithfully given presents to all of them.

I'm going to adopt the policy I used for my friends' kids - all told there are now about 10 children, 2 of whom just graduated HS. I've never given "presents" but for the HS graduation I decided to do a card with $50. Now I have to do it for all of them. I'll probably do the same thing for college graduation.

[cronewitch]

I had 4 nieces and nephews who were local and I loved buying them things as teens and early adult. I might spend several hundred on things for first apartments, camping gear whatever I would have enjoyed at their age. Then they started to get married and have babies which meant now 10 instead of 4. Mom told me to stop or they would feel the need to buy me gifts. So I switched from the shopping Aunt to the minor gifts one per family. I think I told them but I switched to something like a tin of popcorn or plate of cookies per family. I didn't even buy gifts for the babies so they didn't get used to it. I told the adult kids I was switching to random gifts instead of occasion gifts. So I might buy them something or gift them money when I felt like it but nothing for Christmas or one get something for Christmas and not another. I like gifts to be a surprise not a let down when they aren't enough so no expecting anything.