Freaked or Flattered?

[daisy]

A longtime gf of mine, albeit one I haven't spoken with in at least 5 years, has published a book.  A real, hardcover, nationally available in your local library book.  I learned about it through a random set of circumstances and purchased it the other day.  

She and I became friends as our husbands were HS friends and we spent a lot of time together in our younger years.  As time passed they moved up and around the country and in the world due to his professional position and our contact became sporadic, mostly through IM and email.  They had marital troubles as did my ex and I and we often commiserated, fantasized and gossiped during these conversations.  We also shared short stories we had written and edited each other's work.  As I've said previously, I write and online publish erotica but IRL only 2 people know this.

I'm sure you've guessed where this is going.....one of the characters in her book has my name, others have my interests and my personality, my thoughts etc.  

ITS FREAKING ME OUT!! We had some really bizarre conversations all those years ago and to see them in print as convos or gossip between her characters is unsettling.  She also gives her characters some of her own fantasies and personality quirks so I have to wonder what her husband thinks of this being out there.  I.e....they are 'swingers' IRL and a character is 'rumored' to be a swinger.  Etc.  

I stopped reading after a few chapters because it was like rereading our old convos and I don't want to relive that time in my life nor do I care for her writing style.  I will probably go back to finish just to see how the story ends. 

Part of me is flattered (the adage 'write what you know' is apropos here) but I'm freaked as well. She is undergoing some real life difficulties right now so I cannot contact her out of the blue but I feel like she was reaching out to me through this book.  What do you think?

[Deleted]

Oh boy. I'd be freaked for sure.

[taz157]

Dec 25, 2014 22:14:59 GMT -5 @xmascookie said:

Oh boy. I'd be freaked for sure.

[Deleted]

You publish erotica, which is basically putting your fantasies out there. Why would you feel more exposed with this than that?

[TheHaitian]

Dec 25, 2014 22:19:09 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

You publish erotica, which is basically putting your fantasies out there. Why would you feel more exposed with this than that?

Maybe because she publishes erotica under a pseudo name and no one in real life (besides 2) knows.

This lady published the book I am guessing under her own name and still married to the husband that is the OP ex-husband best friend.

Maybe she feels it is too close to home for comfort. Someone might say: hey you use to or are friends with x, have you read her most recent book, which character do you think you are?

[daisy]

Dec 25, 2014 22:19:09 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

You publish erotica, which is basically putting your fantasies out there. Why would you feel more exposed with this than that?

Because I use a pseudonym and no one knows I do this, plus my readership is limited by the very nature of the topic (NOT mommy-porn);  her book is sitting in your local library, published under her own name, with MY name as a character AND my exes family and friends might well pick up the book and read it.  YIKES!

i guess in retrospect no one can infer too much about ME personally as she did distribute the subjects we discussed amongst her characters...but essentially her characters in summary are me...with some influences from others as well.  I'm sure her current group of friends see themselves in the book as well. It's just freaky to see topics we discussed in depth hypothetically and not as adventures her friends pursue in the book.  

[Deleted]

Did she use your first and last name? 

[Artemis Windsong]

Writers are always looking for characters and personalities.  They use real people.  Real events.  If you are talking to a writer or song writer, you are giving them ideas for story lines.

A friend of mine used to read romance novels and could pick out what famous person or persons some of the characters were based on.

The same with names.  Coming up with character names is not easy.  Then names that fit the personalities.  Yikes.  It is a task. 

I would not be freaked out unless she used so much stuff about you that a reader could drive up to your door or call you.

I was asked one time what was the most embarrassing thing to happen to me as a mid-teen.  I told her.  It was in her book but her heroine was able to step aside so the incident did not happen to her because she had a friend it happened to.

[daisy]

Dec 25, 2014 22:40:03 GMT -5 oped said:

Did she use your first and last name? 

No.  First name only but it would be something that anyone who knows her/us long-time would pick up immediately....and again, the character with my name doesn't have ALL the fantasies, character traits, habits and history that I do....she spread that out among different characters, but it's freaking ME out that she USED what we talked about all those many years ago.

 Its hard to explain, but as I was reading the book and 'this' person was going back to school as a 40yo, drives a convertible, flirted with all of the young guys and went out drinking with them etc etc.... was like HELLO, um that was me.  And another character does this, etc.  and yes, to my everlasting regret I did that too.  It's not a book about me, but I do form the basis for some of her characters.  It's....just....weird. 

[daisy]

Dec 25, 2014 22:49:45 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

Writers are always looking for characters and personalities.  They use real people.  Real events.  If you are talking to a writer or song writer, you are giving them ideas for story lines.

Oh, I know.  As a single woman I carried on flirtations and more that have been used in my writing.  I even used the name of an old boss in one story as my boss there.  I rather doubt he would have recognized himself though!! 



It's just odd to see so much in one place.  It absolutely seemed as though she went right back to those convos for her book.  Some ideas, sure.  ME here, there and more is plain weird is all. 

[Deleted]

Sorry. I use people I know in my writing too  ... I think most writers do? ... I would guess it would be less noticeable to others than you.

If she had written under a pseudonym, is the resemblance enough that you would have called her up and asked if she was the author? 

[zibazinski]

It's more than weird. I'd be very unhappy if someone I confided in spilled stuff like that which made it obvious to anyone with an iq over 90 that it's me. Some friend.

[Tennesseer]

This is the sexual fantasies version of The Help!  Any special 'pie' story in the book?

[daisy]

Dec 25, 2014 23:01:00 GMT -5 oped said:

Sorry. I use people I know in my writing too  ... I think most writers do? ... I would guess it would be less noticeable to others than you.

If she had written under a pseudonym, is the resemblance enough that you would have called her up and asked if she was the author? 

Absolutely.  I gave an example above; she used real-life situations that I found myself in, as well as confessed fantasies and personality quirks of mine.  I would be willing to give more specifics but that would make it easier for someone (and according to the other thread...there are too many 'someone's' reading here) to search her and her book.  That's just too close to home and would weird me out more.

No need to be sorry, as I said, I have used my own activities and even other real people in my writing, this is just such an 'in-your-face' situation. If my ex picked up the book and read it, he would recognize the traits and situations of her many characters as mine very easily.  So would my mother, who knows little of my private life, but much of it would resonate for her too.  I literally read the book and said, "What?", "No way" over and over.

[Deleted]

Well then, at that point I think I might move into freaked territory...

[whoisjohngalt]

Are  you telling us the name of the book?

[billisonboard]

Dec 25, 2014 22:10:09 GMT -5 daisy said:

... A real, hardcover, nationally available in your local library book.

Flattered.

Using me as a "main character" wouldn't get you a self published Internet short story.

[daisy]

Dec 25, 2014 23:56:59 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Are  you telling us the name of the book?

While I would love to boost her sales or readership.....no.     

[Deleted]

Is the existence of this book going to change your life in anyway?  If not, then I think I would be flattered.

[daisy]

Dec 26, 2014 10:10:49 GMT -5 @tbird said:

is your name like Lisa - or Hazelina? In terms of commonness?

My name is not unusual.  If she were writing about peers (as she did) it might well be a name she'd choose.  It's the experiences, the feelings etc of mine that she used that is freaking me out.  I'm not overreacting, say by rushing out to burn the books or sue her or anything silly like that...it's just that in reading her book I thought, "oh that's something I did/oh that's something I told her I wanted to do/oh that's me"...and then the realization that she used me for the basis for several of her characters.  As I said before, she put a lot of herself in the book...which seems weird since I'm sure her friends are all reading it too.  

[daisy]

Dec 26, 2014 10:47:08 GMT -5 CCL said:

Well if this book is available in my local library, how bad can it be?

It's not bad at all...the several chapters I've read anyway.  There's lots of girls gossiping and this is how she introduced some of my experiences into the storyline.  I will finish it today and decide how I'm going to feel.  Now that I'm sort of done freaking after reading about myself in print I will probably be flattered.  

[Deleted]

Actually it's pretty to common to 'split' characters in order to have them not be a single recognizable person.  I also still wonder if 1) your thoughts and actions are that distinguishable that no one else will have done them, 2) others really would be so fast to place you as you are. 

I have lots of friends who homeschool, left professional jobs to be home with kids, who all struggle at times with their new roles, are sarcastic and a bit wacky... They might all see themselves in a character I would write. 

I have a friend whose son once put superglue in his eye instead of drops, got kicked out of a nudist commune for catching and eating fish and on a cross country trip married a foreigner without telling anyone so she could get papers... He is probably going .to know I am writing about him if I tell those stories. Even so, while he might be the only person I know who has done those things, he is not the only person in the world who has, I'm guessing.

Id definately 'split' him ... He's hardly believable as a single character  

[Artemis Windsong]

She gets published; we don't.

Party Foul.

[Tiny]

Did you at least get a blurb in the "Acknowledgement" section?

As to the flattered/freaked, I guess it depends on your name... if it's one of the really common ones for your area (I interact at work with 3 Heathers and 4 Jens (with various spellings of Jennifer... )) I often have meetings with the Jens or Heathers. I have never worked with a Jesse/Jessica despite that having been the number one name for like decades. If it was me - I have an uncommon name - I'd probably be a bit uncomfortable. If I was a Heather or a Jen or a Sara(with or without an H) I wouldn't be freaked = unless there were something additional like a telltale physical attribute that the character in the book had that was something I also had - like Buck Teeth or a Horse Face or if I had a 'catch phrase' like "Googly Moogly" and that was in there.

When we read a book or see a movie or watch a TV show -isn't part of the reason we like a particular character because on some level we "identify" with them?   

[moneymaven]

If she had mentioned something in advance, flattered. If I stumbled upon it, as you did, I'd be freaked.

[Deleted]

So are you done reading it yet?

[daisy]

Dec 26, 2014 22:06:57 GMT -5 @xmascookie said:

So are you done reading it yet?

No.  Work was insanely busy so I didn't have my usual Kindle time.  Tomorrow is family Christmas so no time until Sunday evening probably.  

I will look for specific instances that I think are related to our friendship and ponder the whole book I guess.  The one thing that I twigged to right away is the fact that she has a long-distance friend whom she calls Dear Diary...with whom she shares deep, dark secrets, who has gone back to college as an adult, who drives a convertible, who flirts with college boys, they chat via IM and email, whom she can't wait to tell about the local gossip...I'm sure there was more but I can't think of it right now.  That's me.  No narcissism involved in recognizing myself immediately.  Her husband even put a key tracker on her computer because of what he was afraid she was telling me.  We had many conversations about how controlling he was and she had me as a secret friend to share her fantasy life with.  She MIGHT have another friend along those lines, but after what she went through just to talk to me, I doubt it.   

[Icelandic Woman]

OMG I wish my life were interesting enough for someone to put in a book!!! I would be flattered!

[toomuchreality]

I once had a friend tell me she had submitted a story to an adult magazine, about an experience we had. The problem was that she had changed a lot of the details, yet was claiming it to be 100% real/true. When she told me, she wasn't asking for permission. She just informed me, thinking all the details she'd changed/added were quite clever. Because she gave me no reason to think otherwise, I assumed she used my real name and I freaked, saying I hoped she didn't use my real name! (no reply) Our long time friendship had been on rocky grounds prior to this. This put it over the edge. We only spoke once after that, a year later. She called saying she missed her best friend. I told her I missed the friend I thought I had, too. We hung up.

I never found out if it was true, or just a fantasy of hers. Nor did I ever hear the story was accepted, or published. I just know a real friend wouldn't do that.

She can write whatever she wants, until it includes me and my name. Then it better be truthful.



I understand feeling freaked by this. Especially initially. I hope you feel better about it now/soon.

[NoNamePerson]

I don't know what the big deal is. I recognize myself in several Stephen King novels