princessleia
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Post by princessleia on Dec 16, 2014 7:57:15 GMT -5
I feel the need to share, because in my previous threads, I think I may have made some comments that led some of you to believe we are somewhat wealthy. The truth? We are not wealthy by any means. In fact at certain times we struggle a bit. But we have all the things we really wanted and needed and this makes us feel wealthy. We have a gigantic mortgage (HCOL) but that is our only debt. Here's the thing. We don't have a true savings acct. Our retirement accounts are fairly on target so we plan to use my Roth as an emergency fund, if needed. Thankfully we have had no emergencies in 9 years that we couldn't just save up for in a couple of months (but cutting out eating out, fun money, etc). I am a SAHM but have a small part time job from home that pays a little (enough to fund our fun money). We would love to start taking family vacations but don't have the money for it, so this is our financial struggle. I am considering looking for a job that pays more so that we can increase our income for annual vacations. With DD in school, it's really hard because before & after school care costs so much that it would eat my paycheck. I am hoping to find something for just the few hours she is in school. I currently volunteer every day but would drop that. Soooo, all in all, we feel extremely wealthy because we can pay the bills, live in our dream home (somewhat modest) and buy everything we want (which is fairly minimal). But in reality, we could be doing a LOT better by having more savings, funding vacations and increasing our retirement savings. I plan to spend more time here now so I just wanted to share. You guys have been wonderful in dealing with my previous threads and telling me like it is, and I thank you all for that. I'm a work in progress ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png) Moneymom, If you like a small part-time job that's in line with your DD's school hours, I highly recommend working for the school district first as a substitute worker. Schools need temps almost everyday as educational assistants, secretaries, lunch ladies, etc call in sick everyday (or some emergency or medical appointments, etc). That was how I started....no childcare or afterschool care costs for me to incur. I leave for work after my kids left for school and I am back before they get back. And when they don't have school, I don't have work either. It's hard to get in (they are unionized mostly) but by working as a sub, you build your network and let them get to know you and when a permanent vacancy comes up, it will be easier for you to get the job. That was how I started and now, my kids are older and I was able to move into jobs that comes with longer hours. Btw, I am still working for the school district.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Dec 16, 2014 7:58:32 GMT -5
How old are your step kids again? My dad remarried when I was 5 or so. He had a good paying job with a wife with a good paying job. When we visited over summers, it felt rich to me. We each had our own rooms, a big yard, a nice neighborhood, took beach vacations and trips to the amusement parks. Back at my moms house, we lived on child support, alimony, food stamps and welfare while my mom went to school. We moved from one to the next since she was always late paying the rent. Anyway, she often talked about how it was my dad's fault, he walked out and married "that whore" and he should be paying more. She became very ill and was never able to work full-time. At 13, he got custody and we finally had a stable home. My step-mother is an amazing woman to put up with everything over the years. She never had children of her own, so I don't know how she had the patience. 30 years later, they are still happily married. My mom died a long time ago and the drama ended for good.
It seems like you mentioned your step kids being over 18? Where are they living? With their mom, at school or on their own?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2014 8:53:57 GMT -5
And a $40k salary is nothing to sneeze at.
A 40K salary in a HCOLA or even MCOLA where it won't even cover child care may not always be worth it. We live in a MCOLA, and DH would need to net a little over 3K/month to cover child care for two school aged kids and a toddler, and close to 4K/month to cover child care and private school.If DH worked full time, he'd gross 35K-40K. So, that leaves us short, but quite a bit actually. Plus I would not get any relief in my work schedule. I would have to work MORE to cover the difference. Plus, we'd be bumped up into a higher tax bracket and we'd begin to be phased out of things like a traditional IRA. Our dividends would also be taxed. So, yes, nothing to sneeze at, but may also not be "worth it" i the short run. I also am reflecting more on the dividend/passive income. If one is getting enough to have a some extra income coming in, one must have a decent sized taxable portfolio. I've observed that most people think wealth when one talks about passive income. Just saying. (Though, I don't consider us wealthy because of our passive income. ) ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/shocked.gif) I don't think I'd call that a MCOL area with those childcare rates.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 16, 2014 9:41:43 GMT -5
![](http://images.proboards.com/new/shocked.gif) I don't think I'd call that a MCOL area with those childcare rates. Actually, we are MCOLA. We aren't quite as bad as the coasts. If DH works part time, our costs go from 3k/month in childcare to $300/month (what we are paying now). But, my kids are still young yet. My oldest can't stay at home by himself yet during the summer. That would reduce our costs significantly.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 16, 2014 9:49:34 GMT -5
Childcare seems to be all over the map. I'm in what I would consider a LCOLA, but am still paying $1K/mo for infant care. When DD goes up to the toddler class the rate drops to $940/mo. I think a lot of the cost depends on the state child/care provider ratio. Ours is 4:1 for infants, and if you're paying an employee minimum wage for 10 hours a day, plus keeping the lights on, paying property taxes, etc., you're talking at least $35 - $50 per day per kid.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Dec 16, 2014 9:59:18 GMT -5
I pay $560 week for two in daycare = about $2400/month. I'm also in a MCOL county. After all the additional fees are tacked on it's almost $30,000/year.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 16, 2014 10:38:56 GMT -5
I feel the need to share, because in my previous threads, I think I may have made some comments that led some of you to believe we are somewhat wealthy. The truth? We are not wealthy by any means. In fact at certain times we struggle a bit. But we have all the things we really wanted and needed and this makes us feel wealthy. We have a gigantic mortgage (HCOL) but that is our only debt. Here's the thing. We don't have a true savings acct. Our retirement accounts are fairly on target so we plan to use my Roth as an emergency fund, if needed. Thankfully we have had no emergencies in 9 years that we couldn't just save up for in a couple of months (but cutting out eating out, fun money, etc). I am a SAHM but have a small part time job from home that pays a little (enough to fund our fun money). We would love to start taking family vacations but don't have the money for it, so this is our financial struggle. I am considering looking for a job that pays more so that we can increase our income for annual vacations. With DD in school, it's really hard because before & after school care costs so much that it would eat my paycheck. I am hoping to find something for just the few hours she is in school. I currently volunteer every day but would drop that. Soooo, all in all, we feel extremely wealthy because we can pay the bills, live in our dream home (somewhat modest) and buy everything we want (which is fairly minimal). But in reality, we could be doing a LOT better by having more savings, funding vacations and increasing our retirement savings. I plan to spend more time here now so I just wanted to share. You guys have been wonderful in dealing with my previous threads and telling me like it is, and I thank you all for that. I'm a work in progress ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png) Moneymom, If you like a small part-time job that's in line with your DD's school hours, I highly recommend working for the school district first as a substitute worker. Schools need temps almost everyday as educational assistants, secretaries, lunch ladies, etc call in sick everyday (or some emergency or medical appointments, etc). That was how I started....no childcare or afterschool care costs for me to incur. I leave for work after my kids left for school and I am back before they get back. And when they don't have school, I don't have work either. It's hard to get in (they are unionized mostly) but by working as a sub, you build your network and let them get to know you and when a permanent vacancy comes up, it will be easier for you to get the job. That was how I started and now, my kids are older and I was able to move into jobs that comes with longer hours. Btw, I am still working for the school district. This is actually my goal! Glad to hear it's working so well for you ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png)
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 16, 2014 10:39:41 GMT -5
I'm also a little interested in how your being home has allowed you to make better returns in your investments? Are you actively trading a lot? Definately seems to be some disconnect between some of your statements. yes, at times I am actively trading.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2014 10:44:33 GMT -5
I'll come back and post our budget when I get a free moment to do so. Yaay. I went back and read some of your post and yes you do make it sound like you are wealthy, but then you say you don't have an EF and you don't take vacations.... So ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/confused.png)
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 16, 2014 10:45:08 GMT -5
How old are your step kids again? My dad remarried when I was 5 or so. He had a good paying job with a wife with a good paying job. When we visited over summers, it felt rich to me. We each had our own rooms, a big yard, a nice neighborhood, took beach vacations and trips to the amusement parks. Back at my moms house, we lived on child support, alimony, food stamps and welfare while my mom went to school. We moved from one to the next since she was always late paying the rent. Anyway, she often talked about how it was my dad's fault, he walked out and married "that whore" and he should be paying more. She became very ill and was never able to work full-time. At 13, he got custody and we finally had a stable home. My step-mother is an amazing woman to put up with everything over the years. She never had children of her own, so I don't know how she had the patience. 30 years later, they are still happily married. My mom died a long time ago and the drama ended for good. It seems like you mentioned your step kids being over 18? Where are they living? With their mom, at school or on their own? This describes our situation however Ex left DH after they had the two kids. she continued to party and would say she was crashing at her friends houses sometimes and not come home. One night DH told her if she didn't come home that night to not come home at all. And she never came back. In her defense, they both partied until the kids were born, then he changed, and she never did (til this day). The big difference here is that the kids are psychologically attached to their mom and whatever she tells them IS. They are currently living with mom's parents (their grandparents). The mom is single again and has two little ones living in her 2 bedroom. The grandparents have tons of space and provide everything the kids need.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2014 10:46:13 GMT -5
Younger son starts kindy Fall of 2015. I couldn't even safely max out my daycare FSA anymore. I put it at $4500 for the year and most of that will get used Jan-May because of tuition and after school care.
Daycare is $105/week (any age). Montessori Children's House is $495/month plus after school care which maxes out at $150/month.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 16, 2014 10:53:42 GMT -5
There is more that was considered in my decision to SAH. Our taxes have been reduced and then there's the fact I no longer pay for gas in my car (very rarely!). I also have time to do my SAH mini-job I referenced above. My DD has a little job too where I can save more for her (she has her own acct). And most importantly, I have been more available for my former foster child who is in a bad situation.
I know it sounds like I am trying to justify not working. But the truth is I love to work. I just feel with our current situation, all the things I'm doing in lieu of working outweigh working. I am really excited to be back in the workforce again when that time comes (maybe sooner than later?).
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Dec 16, 2014 10:56:31 GMT -5
How old are your step kids again? My dad remarried when I was 5 or so. He had a good paying job with a wife with a good paying job. When we visited over summers, it felt rich to me. We each had our own rooms, a big yard, a nice neighborhood, took beach vacations and trips to the amusement parks. Back at my moms house, we lived on child support, alimony, food stamps and welfare while my mom went to school. We moved from one to the next since she was always late paying the rent. Anyway, she often talked about how it was my dad's fault, he walked out and married "that whore" and he should be paying more. She became very ill and was never able to work full-time. At 13, he got custody and we finally had a stable home. My step-mother is an amazing woman to put up with everything over the years. She never had children of her own, so I don't know how she had the patience. 30 years later, they are still happily married. My mom died a long time ago and the drama ended for good. It seems like you mentioned your step kids being over 18? Where are they living? With their mom, at school or on their own? This describes our situation however Ex left DH after they had the two kids. she continued to party and would say she was crashing at her friends houses sometimes and not come home. One night DH told her if she didn't come home that night to not come home at all. And she never came back. In her defense, they both partied until the kids were born, then he changed, and she never did (til this day). The big difference here is that the kids are psychologically attached to their mom and whatever she tells them IS. They are currently living with mom's parents (their grandparents). The mom is single again and has two little ones living in her 2 bedroom. The grandparents have tons of space and provide everything the kids need. But, how old are they now and how old were they when you first got together? Yes, I was psychologically attached to my mom as well and was not always the nicest to my step-mother as my mother always sent us with a list of terrible things to do. We never did anything she insisted we do, but the relationship was definitely damaged by the constant hateful brainwashing. They lived 5 hours away from each other, so I only spent summers, Thanksgiving break and winter break. It always took a few days to warm up. My dad drove in one weekend every month, but a lot of those visits my mom would make us hide under the bed while she told him to go away.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 16, 2014 11:02:45 GMT -5
This describes our situation however Ex left DH after they had the two kids. she continued to party and would say she was crashing at her friends houses sometimes and not come home. One night DH told her if she didn't come home that night to not come home at all. And she never came back. In her defense, they both partied until the kids were born, then he changed, and she never did (til this day). The big difference here is that the kids are psychologically attached to their mom and whatever she tells them IS. They are currently living with mom's parents (their grandparents). The mom is single again and has two little ones living in her 2 bedroom. The grandparents have tons of space and provide everything the kids need. But, how old are they now and how old were they when you first got together? Yes, I was psychologically attached to my mom as well and was not always the nicest to my step-mother as my mother always sent us with a list of terrible things to do. We never did anything she insisted we do, but the relationship was definitely damaged by the constant hateful brainwashing. They lived 5 hours away from each other, so I only spent summers, Thanksgiving break and winter break. It always took a few days to warm up. My dad drove in one weekend every month, but a lot of those visits my mom would make us hide under the bed while she told him to go away. this breaks my heart ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/sad.png) Skids were 4 and 7 when I met them, and were 7 and 10 when we married. We had them full time for a few years at first so we were all very close and got along great in the younger years. Things fell apart when their mom got a new boyfriend and wanted the kids to move in with them. Court battle ensued, turned into a huge mess, and she ended up with them mon-fri and us on weekends. After they established friends in her area and since they went to school there, they started wanting to stay on weekends too much of the time, and things just went downhill when DH would insist they come every now and then.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 16, 2014 11:19:31 GMT -5
There is more that was considered in my decision to SAH. Our taxes have been reduced and then there's the fact I no longer pay for gas in my car (very rarely!). I also have time to do my SAH mini-job I referenced above. My DD has a little job too where I can save more for her (she has her own acct). And most importantly, I have been more available for my former foster child who is in a bad situation. I know it sounds like I am trying to justify not working. But the truth is I love to work. I just feel with our current situation, all the things I'm doing in lieu of working outweigh working. I am really excited to be back in the workforce again when that time comes (maybe sooner than later?). That's kind of my point. You don't have to justify your life to anyone. I mean, yeah, we discuss all the reasons why we do what we do on a message board, etc. But, in real life i don't have to explain to anyone because i don't need their approval one way or the other.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Dec 16, 2014 11:24:13 GMT -5
And now how old are they? It sounds like your heart is in the right place. Continue to be an advocate and eventually the relationship will be more functional. My step mother never once said a bad thing about us, even if we deserved it and she never once did a bad thing to us. She cooked for us, cleaned up after us, taught us fun camp games and crafts and even defended our behavior.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 16, 2014 11:38:51 GMT -5
There are seasons to life. You might work more or less at certain points in your life depending on the needs of your family and such. Or, you simply choose a more relaxed lifestyle. Or, maybe it makes sense to work as much as possible and make bank. As I said, it depends on the goals for yourself and family. We could have earned more money if we would have wanted a faster paced lifestyle. But, we didn't. We like living in a small town and while we do fine, we haven't necessarily maximized our earning potential and that's OK.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 16, 2014 11:43:05 GMT -5
There is more that was considered in my decision to SAH. Our taxes have been reduced and then there's the fact I no longer pay for gas in my car (very rarely!). I also have time to do my SAH mini-job I referenced above. My DD has a little job too where I can save more for her (she has her own acct). And most importantly, I have been more available for my former foster child who is in a bad situation. I know it sounds like I am trying to justify not working. But the truth is I love to work. I just feel with our current situation, all the things I'm doing in lieu of working outweigh working. I am really excited to be back in the workforce again when that time comes (maybe sooner than later?). You don't have to justify not working. My DH is a SAHD. It works for us, even if our budget is tight. The difference is that you are projecting that you more than a little comfortable. You have offered to share your budget and I would be very interested in seeing it not to beat you up for not working, but because I'm curious (it is a money message board), It is nice that you don't have to drive anywhere. My DH drives almost as much now as a SAHD as he did working. Actually more than the last year+ he was working because we carpooled. When we move, we do plan to live in town and close to everything. But it is 12 miles to a park from our house. With a nearly 2 year old and 5 year old, while we don't go everyday, we try to go at least once a week in the spring, summer and fall and whenever we get a nice day in the winter. (The trade off of our move is that where we are planning on moving to is that a nice day in the winter there is probably not going to be nice enough to go to a park ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/sad.png) ).
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 16, 2014 11:52:20 GMT -5
Well, "I" personally think that whether or not you choose to work is not even a point of discussion here.
You brought up in your first post that you can definitely save more for retirement and have a EF (which you currently don't). The point is you should not be spending thousands of $$ of stepkids if you are not comfortable with your saving rate.
I said it before and I will say it again, if your income/expenditure is indeed modest, by constant remodeling and spending thousands during Christmas, you are projecting the wrong image. To stepkids and to the rest of the world. Or you are not being true to yourself about your spending habits.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 16, 2014 11:53:48 GMT -5
Wrong image? They can live their lives however they want. They dont' have to project some "image".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2014 12:03:01 GMT -5
Wrong image? They can live their lives however they want. They dont' have to project some "image". And they can live with the consequences of it too...
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 16, 2014 12:04:06 GMT -5
What "image" are you talking about? They don't have to project any "image" to suit someone else. How they spend their money is their business. If grown adult children are "mad" or whatever, who cares?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 16, 2014 12:07:19 GMT -5
What "image" are you talking about? They don't have to project any "image" to suit someone else. How they spend their money is their business. If grown adult children are "mad" or whatever, who cares?Obviously moneymom does or she wouldn't have started half a dozen threads seeking advice on exactly that. ETA - I was wrong, it's actually 11 separate threads on stepkid/money issues.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 16, 2014 12:15:05 GMT -5
Wrong image? They can live their lives however they want. They dont' have to project some "image". Yes, they can live how they want. But that doesn't stop other people from making assumptions. When I've posted about me losing income and revealed more of our finances, I know at least one person posted that it "appeared" that we are less well off than what we are. Or they maybe it was the opposite. That they thought we were more well off than what we were. People make all sorts of assumptions about us when we say we send our kids to private school. Even my own kids. They aren't sure if they are upper middle class -wealthy like most of their friends, or poor because we don't have the same things some of their friends have. When my parents were struggling, I got clothes I needed from a discount outlet store for Christmas. It would have been weird for my parents to spend $500 on me for Christmas (this was in the 80s, so it went further), and then say "We are struggling." My mom also behaved in such a way that led me to believe that we were one paycheck from being poor (really poor, homeless, no food, etc) That's what I thought being middle class was At it turns out, I was a little off base. My point is this. Maybe image is the wrong word. But, MoneyMom IS sending out conflicting messages about their financial situation. Furthermore, her kids, all of them, are also getting different messages about money from outside forces. I can see how people might get confused in such a situation.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 16, 2014 12:17:19 GMT -5
If grown adult children are "mad" or whatever, who cares? Well, here's the thing. My children aren't grown yet. But, I do care about their feelings. If they feel hurt because of something I've said or done, I want to remedy the situation. Usually, that involves a lengthy discussion. I don't imagine this suddenly stopping when they turn 18 and/or they make stupid decisions with their lives.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 16, 2014 12:19:29 GMT -5
If grown adult children are "mad" or whatever, who cares? Well, here's the thing. My children aren't grown yet. But, I do care about their feelings. If they feel hurt because of something I've said or done, I want to remedy the situation.
Usually, that involves a lengthy discussion. I don't imagine this suddenly stopping when they turn 18 and/or they make stupid decisions with their lives. Exactly. Add "step" kids to the situation and it becomes even trickier, like moneymom's case.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 16, 2014 12:23:56 GMT -5
My goal wouldn't be to make my kids mad at me. But, they don't get to direct me on how I spend or whatever. As for people making assumptions, why is that my concern? If I buy a new car, should I be concerned about someone's assumptions? I really don't understand what that even means.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 16, 2014 12:33:31 GMT -5
My goal wouldn't be to make my kids mad at me. But, they don't get to direct me on how I spend or whatever. As for people making assumptions, why is that my concern? If I buy a new car, should I be concerned about someone's assumptions? I really don't understand what that even means. I'm not saying my kids direct me. But, sometimes, explaining reasoning, even if it's the 4897th time, is in order. I also know my kids appreciate consistency. My 10 yo got his nose bent out of shape because we are not treating the toddler the same way he was treated. He was pissed off we didn't even give her a time out. Generally, we are very consistent with our rules, our choices, our reasons. Even as an adult child, I much prefer clear expectations from my parents over trying to "guess" what they expect of me/from me. I don't like it when the "rules" change. I don't like trying to anticipate how the rules might change, based on any number of things that I may or may not know about. MoneyMom is not consistent here on this message board. I'm also guessing she's not consistent IRL. This is confusing, and is likely compounding the situation. Having a consistent message does not mean that my kids get to tell me how to spend my money. It just means we all know what the rules are for the playing field.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 16, 2014 12:40:18 GMT -5
I am not disagreeing. As I have said, I have informed my kids of both dumb and smart things I have done with money. And, I agree with what you are saying about having a consistent message. And, unclear expectations are the very thing that often results in issues. Like my son is starting Trade School in Feb. I have told him what I expect of him. He is and will continue to live at home. And, he is going to take out X amount for a loan and we will pay the rest. However, if he screws off and gets poor grades, then that gravy train is going to close. If he gets all A's, I will pay off his Stafford Loan when he graduates. If not, he can pay it back. If he has C's and D's, then the Bank of Momma won't cut the next semester's check of tuition.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 16, 2014 13:01:37 GMT -5
And now how old are they? It sounds like your heart is in the right place. Continue to be an advocate and eventually the relationship will be more functional. My step mother never once said a bad thing about us, even if we deserved it and she never once did a bad thing to us. She cooked for us, cleaned up after us, taught us fun camp games and crafts and even defended our behavior.I wasn't like that unfortunately. I've made many mistakes. In certain situations I have spoken up. Example: when SD was 16, she asked DH if she could get a tattoo. He nicely told her no and reminded her she would be an adult soon and could do what she wants then. The next weekend she comes over all excited and says "hey guys, look at my tattoo!!". I tried to remain calm and wasn't going to say anything until she mentioned that she had a "friend" do it at home. I freaked out and immediately started telling her that is the reason that kids are not allowed to get tattoos because they can get infected from shared needles, etc. I also asked her why she even bothered to ask DH if she could get one when she wasn't going to honor his answer. This was one situation that set her off to hating me for about a year. Then we start to get back on track...and something else happens. It was really hard for me to not speak up in certain situations because I felt like I practically raised her for a few years. DH would be at work and I was the one taking her everywhere and setting up her doctor appointments, etc. We bonded in the younger years and I felt like she was my daughter. So I treated her as if she was.
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