Another child commits suicide

[whoisjohngalt]

www.yahoo.com/parenting/12-year-olds-suicide-sparks-social-media-outrage-104784359417.html

I have so many thoughts and feeling about this, but I think the predominant one is - I feel so terrible for his parents.  I think grieving a child is the hardest thing in the world.  Adding guilt to it must make it a million times worse

[Tennesseer]

I wish kids like this poor soul could get it into their heads that it will get better as they get older.  That the time spent in elementary and high schools is such a short period of their lives.  That once they are out of those institutions, their lives will be their own and what the wish to make of it.

Unfortunately, kids this boy's age have so little point of reference as it pertains to time on earth.  That he may have been bullied for over half his life makes him (and other bullied kids) believe it will never, ever get better.

[Tiny]

I think it's also the contridictions kids are faced with.

We (the generic we) tell kids they can be anything they want to be! and leave off the part about how ONLY if it's something socially acceptable. We (the generic we) encourage kids to be who they are - but then leave off the "as long as it's socially acceptable".

We (the generic we) don't really work on giving kids the skills they need to cope with being who they are when who they are isn't socially acceptable. We (the generic we) don't do a good job of explainig that socially relavent standards we hold up as being acceptable aren't always everything there is OR that they are often transient and fleeting.

We (the generic we) often don't try to see things from the other person's point of view or maybe just that things we take for granted might not work the same way for someone else (gender seems to one of these things).

No matter how hard we might try there's also the very stark 'hypocrisy' that someone young who doesn't 'fit in' sees - if people see X as being deviant or bad because it's NOT Y, and I'm Z - then they probably will feel the same way about Z as they do about X. <-- Maybe this is just something I distinctly remember from childhood.   

[Green Eyed Lady]

In some ways, I'm thankful I'll never be a parent. Most of those ways are because I would not have a clue what to do and I'd probably cause more harm than good. I don't know how people walk this line with their little ones. My brain KNOWS that the right thing to do is to support your child in his/her need to be themselves. Absolutely. No question. My heart tells me that I would try to do what I could to stop them from painting a target on themselves. 

It would be so wonderful if we lived in a world where people just saw others as people and not for their differences.  Unfortunately, we don't live in that kind of world.  I absolutely know, and there is no question, that there will always be people who are mean to others because they don't look, dress, think, act in a manner that is mainstream.  How do you walk that line?  How to you let your child be who they are, yet protect them from all the crazies out there?  It's not something I would ever know how to do. 

I wouldn't want my child to go through life being invisible - having their creativity...their uniqueness hidden.  I wouldn't want them to be visible either because being visible makes you a target.  How do you do it?  I don't think I could ever say, "Be yourself and damn the consequences."  Sometimes, the consequences are just too big a price to pay.

Oh my...my heart hurts for these parents and for the life lost before it even began.  Do you think people will ever see?   I hope nobody sees this as some commentary on what his parents should or shouldn't have done.  That's not it at all.  The only people to blame here are the bullies.  I'm just wondering how you protect them....or even if you can.  How do you keep your child safe from people you shouldn't have to even keep them safe from?

[The Captain]

I was the bullied kid in grade school.  Fortunately I had a few close friends that were my bedrock. 

DD so far seems to be one of the kids that's in with the more popular group.  It seems being a geek or nerd is kinda cool now, and with her parents she didn't really have any other choice .

I've used my experiences to try to teach her some empathy and to reach out to kids in her class that may be a bit more on the outskirts.   I know from the mom of one of her friends that DD broke off a "relationship" with a boy who wasn't nice to some of the less popular girls. 

I can't tell you how proud that made me, but I did try to tell her.

My heart breaks for these kids who don't have a friend that can anchor them.  Yes, your family loves you because they have to, a friend is there because you are who you are.

[billisonboard]

Dec 10, 2014 13:52:54 GMT -5 Tiny said:

...

We (the generic we) tell kids they can be anything they want to be! and leave off the part about how ONLY if it's something socially acceptable. We (the generic we) encourage kids to be who they are - but then leave off the "as long as it's socially acceptable".
...

I was substituting in a good suburban school that I had been at a few times. I was filling in for the 9th grade Health teacher. The lesson that day was all about being true to the "real you". When I was leaving that day, the principal called me into his office and "mentored" me about how it would be a good thing for me to cut my hair and dress more like a teacher. I listened, smiled, and never went back to that school.

[Deleted]

My older son has so many social issues and started talking about suicide as early as kindy. He just doesn't fit in and when he tries he makes things worse.  He's come home crying the past couple days because some of the kids there have taken to calling him "Whale".  I bumped into one of his teachers today dropping off younger son and talked to him.  As I'd expected, I'm not getting the whole story, the teachers are aware and working on it, but often DS "contributes" to his own bullying by instigating things or just annoying the hell out of the other kids.  I've seen this, so I know what he's talking about.

As for a mother dealing with guilt.  I think I posted about this before, but back in August, on the same day that my Aunt passed away, her grandchildren's cousin committed suicide.  His family lives near us, his mother is best friends with my mother and my son knows him and is friends with his younger brother who is in his class.  Anyhow the kid was 16 and had been battling depression for awhile, but the last thing he did was send his mom a text that said "Fuck you!" 

[The Captain]

Damn.

[Abby Normal]

It's really hard when you hear stories like this.  We have a new acquaintance (through scouts) who just moved to our area.  Small town.  Her son is in 6th grade which is middle school here.  He came home one day and said "Mom, am I ugly?"  It just broke my heart.  He's really struggling with getting picked on at school.

He lives in our neighborhood, so I keep telling my son that he needs to "be a leader, be a friend" to this kid.  They have very different interests, so I don't know that they'll ever be "good friends" but my hope is that at least the kid won't feel so isolated.  DS is making an effort (which is hard for him since he's pretty introverted) so I give him credit for trying. 

[Shooby]

That's sad.

[whoisjohngalt]

Almost daily I think of what I should be doing as a parent to make sure that my kids feel safe and secure and loved so no matter what happens to them outside of our house - they can handle it.

[Formerly SK]

Yep - the percent of LGBT youth who contemplate suicide is in the 80s.  The percent who actually attempt it is something like 45%.  That is a freaking scary number. 

I continue to be horribly dismayed by the character of elementary school kids.  They lie, cheat, and say mean things way more often than I would have ever thought possible.  When they are 8 it's sort of harmless in a "kids are learning" way.  By the time they're 12, it's absolutely not a joke.  The schools can't handle it, parents appear oblivious and in denial.  When I call kids on it (I caught three kids cheating at chess this week during chess club at my kids' upper-income school) they don't even appear embarrassed that they got caught.  There's no guilt - they'll just try again when I'm not looking. 

I have a 4th grade son with autism who is extremely gullible and sensitive.  He has no friends because he's immature and socially awkward.  However, he is the absolute sweetest kid on the planet and would never do anything to harm a fly.  I also have a 3rd grader - a transgender son - who has pretty good social skills but a lot of insecurities.  I have zero interest in putting them through a Lord of the Flies scenario for middle school.  Yes they need to learn how to function in society, but I don't think they need to learn how to deal with a punk 13yo who pants them on Fridays, or kids who create "I hate X" FB pages.  I don't live in the ghetto because I don't want my kids to have to learn how to dodge bullets.  I'm not about to send them out into harm's way because schools/parents can't control their kids anymore. 

Almost daily I think of what I should be doing as a parent to make sure that my kids feel safe and secure and loved so no matter what happens to them outside of our house - they can handle it.

I think about life/death most every day.  Last might my DS with autism was distressed because kids were picking on him while playing 4 square.  His emotional state was really fragile - fast forward 5 years and how will he respond to this kind of hurt?  For now he cuddles on my lap and cries.  He won't do that when he's 15.  How will he, with all his deficits, decide to cope?  It scares me to death.  I won't even get into the worries I have about my trans son.  He's extremely small for his age and not a fighter.  Before we allowed him to transition he was very suicidal.  I swear if some kid even breathes on him wrong I'm going to lose it. 

[plugginaway22]

This is heartbreaking stuff.  Nothing in this world is tougher than being a parent and wanting your children to be loved, successful, confident, happy people.
Best wishes to all who are struggling . 

[Phoenix84]

It's unfortunate. I was bullied in elementary and junior high, so I know the emotional toll it can take. It's too bad this kid didn't have the time to realize it gets better.