To stay or leave?

[tloonya]

Having a difficulties to understand one concept.
(Actually it is so slow here today so I have nothing better to do than write this )

Lately (like I said in my other post) I am hearing about people who had been married for over 20 years getting
divorces or looking for extramarital affairs.
So some said that it is amoral to get an affair so you supposed to get out of relationships first and then look for
some other significant one and let your un-loved anymore spouse to be able to find themselves someone as well.

So my question is. Is it moral to stay married when you fell out of love? Like your spouse thinks you love them
and having NO idea that you don't. But if you don't cheat - it is  ok?

[The Captain]

IMHO I think people fall in and out of love all the time.  The secrete to a long marriage is working to find ways to fall in love again with the person your married, for love, in the first place.

That's just my experience, YMMV.

[tloonya]

Dec 10, 2014 9:55:16 GMT -5 The Captain said:

IMHO I think people fall in and out of love all the time.  The secrete to a long marriage is working to find ways to fall in love again with the person your married, for love, in the first place.

That's just my experience, YMMV.

It is interested opinion.
HOW do you make yourself fall back in love with someone you just fell out?
Is there trick? I don't think I would be able to.

[busymom]

I think one of the keys to "staying in love" with someone, or falling back in love, is spending time with them. We all get so busy with jobs, kids, etc., that many don't spend enough time with their SO. (And no, I'm not talking about sex.) You need that time, just the 2 of you, to talk, or do something together that you both like. Then, you remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.

[The Captain]

Dec 10, 2014 10:00:31 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Dec 10, 2014 9:55:16 GMT -5 The Captain said:

IMHO I think people fall in and out of love all the time.  The secrete to a long marriage is working to find ways to fall in love again with the person your married, for love, in the first place.

That's just my experience, YMMV.

It is interested opinion.
HOW do you make yourself fall back in love with someone you just fell out?
Is there trick? I don't think I would be able to.

For me, there are qualities that attracted me to DH in the first place.

1.  He is as big as a bear but as gentle as a kitten.  No matter how angry he can get (and I can be a raging bitch at times) he would never cause physical harm to anyone.  I'm not sure I could say the same for myself.

2.  He is good with kids and the elderly and gives them both equal measures of respect. To me that speaks volumns about a person.

3.  He has a fantastic sense of humor, that is key to surviving any kind of relationship with me (see comments in #1 above).

4.  He is comfortable enough in his skin to marry a raging alpha female and honestly not give a damn when people make snarky comments about who wears the pants in the house. 

5.  He has a nice ass.  No matter how pissed, upset, or whatever I get with him that hasn't changed. 

Every marriage goes through rough spots, some more often and rougher than others.  Sometimes you loose that spark and have to give yourself time to reset and work on recognizing the qualities that caused you to marry that person in the first place.  Every fire need oxygen to keep burning. If it goes out, you need to re-light the flame.

Now I will be the first one to tell you he's not perfect (hell - none of us are especially me!) and there are times when his faults seem to out weigh his good qualities.  That's when you need to give yourself time to breath and ask yourself if the faults are new, or just currently getting on your nerves more than usual.

His qood qualities have not changed, so when it's been a rough patch I've been able to see it for what it is - a rough patch.

Now sometimes people do change and you need to move on.  However, so far, this has worked for me.

[tloonya]

Dec 10, 2014 10:18:19 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Dec 10, 2014 10:00:31 GMT -5 tloonya said:

It is interested opinion.
HOW do you make yourself fall back in love with someone you just fell out?
Is there trick? I don't think I would be able to.

For me, there are qualities that attracted me to DH in the first place.

1.  He is as big as a bear but as gentle as a kitten.  No matter how angry he can get (and I can be a raging bitch at times) he would never cause physical harm to anyone.  I'm not sure I could say the same for myself.

2.  He is good with kids and the elderly and gives them both equal measures of respect. To me that speaks volumns about a person.

3.  He has a fantastic sense of humor, that is key to surviving any kind of relationship with me (see comments in #1 above).

4.  He is comfortable enough in his skin to marry a raging alpha female and honestly not give a damn when people make snarky comments about who wears the pants in the house. 

5.  He has a nice ass.  No matter how pissed, upset, or whatever I get with him that hasn't changed. 

Every marriage goes through rough spots, some more often and rougher than others.  Sometimes you loose that spark and have to give yourself time to reset and work on recognizing the qualities that caused you to marry that person in the first place.  Every fire need oxygen to keep burning. If it goes out, you need to re-light the flame.

Now I will be the first one to tell you he's not perfect (hell - none of us are especially me!) and there are times when his faults seem to out weigh his good qualities.  That's when you need to give yourself time to breath and ask yourself if the faults are new, or just currently getting on your nerves more than usual.

His qood qualities have not changed, so when it's been a rough patch I've been able to see it for what it is - a rough patch.

Now sometimes people do change and you need to move on.  However, so far, this has worked for me.

I don't want too turn you against your husband...however what if  his ass sugged?

And can someone explain it to me what is rough patch?

[giramomma]

Dec 10, 2014 10:00:31 GMT -5 tloonya said:

It is interested opinion.
HOW do you make yourself fall back in love with someone you just fell out?
Is there trick? I don't think I would be able to.

PP state it. But for me the trick is to have non-sexual intimacy.

I don't feel loved if I'm not connected to someone. And, generally, I won't have sex with my husband unless we're emotionally connected. We've done both, had sex without any emotional intimacy and sex with it. We both prefer sex with emotional intimacy.

As for rough patches..here are our rough patches:
My H's addiction and recovery
My third child not sleeping for a year.

We are having to re-arrange our financials a little, because my second job isn't providing as much income as it used to. I think we've moved on from the rough patch of that.

[The Captain]

The ass part was just a bit of humor, but even if it did sag it's just a physical characteristic .  It's the other things that are much more important.

A rough patch is when you are convinced that you are better off without them, than with them in your life.  Or, to put it another way - you are seriously considering smothering them with a pillow when they're sleeping.  (Again - bit of humor there as well).

I'm starting to see that our relationship is very dependent on a sense of humor.  Not sure what that says about us .

[tloonya]

Dec 10, 2014 10:29:26 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Dec 10, 2014 10:00:31 GMT -5 tloonya said:

It is interested opinion.
HOW do you make yourself fall back in love with someone you just fell out?
Is there trick? I don't think I would be able to.

PP state it. But for me the trick is to have non-sexual intimacy.

I don't feel loved if I'm not connected to someone. And, generally, I won't have sex with my husband unless we're emotionally connected. We've done both, had sex without any emotional intimacy and sex with it. We both prefer sex with emotional intimacy.

As for rough patches..here are our rough patches:
My H's addiction and recovery
My third child not sleeping for a year.

We are having to re-arrange our financials a little, because my second job isn't providing as much income as it used to. I think we've moved on from the rough patch of that.

Geez! My life is a whole financial rough patch?
We don't even consider it rough patches...just living it.

[gacpa]

The Captain:  You just described my husband.  We will be married 31 years on Dec. 23. 

He is a great father to our son, and plays well with just about anybody.  I am the meanie in our relationship.  But we take care of each other. 

[Deleted]

Well, I have no advice, but I know my Mom said she and my stepdad almost divorced a few times in the 28 years they've been together.  Mainly in the first 10 years.  She said there were times when she couldn't stand him and she's pretty sure the feeling was mutual, but they got through it and it's been reasonably smooth sailing the past decade or so, especially since they both retired and are doing fun stuff together and not worried about work.

The stressors for them were my Mom needing to "settle down" and my stepbrothers who to this day still don't get along with my Mom...well, one of them does, but the other one needs to just let it go and move on. 

[tloonya]

I wasn't actually asking about 'nice stories about your families'...
Quite opposite.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2014 10:52:06 GMT -5 tloonya said:

I wasn't actually asking about 'nice stories about your families'...
Quite opposite.

This was your question.

So my question is. Is it moral to stay married when you fell out of love? Like your spouse thinks you love them
and having NO idea that you don't. But if you don't cheat - it is ok?

My answer was in the way of an example saying yes, I think it's perfectly acceptable to push through some hard times until you fall back in love again and it's perfectly normal to NOT love your spouse all the time.

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 10, 2014 10:18:19 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Dec 10, 2014 10:00:31 GMT -5 tloonya said:

It is interested opinion.
HOW do you make yourself fall back in love with someone you just fell out?
Is there trick? I don't think I would be able to.

For me, there are qualities that attracted me to DH in the first place.

1.  He is as big as a bear but as gentle as a kitten.  No matter how angry he can get (and I can be a raging bitch at times) he would never cause physical harm to anyone.  I'm not sure I could say the same for myself.

2.  He is good with kids and the elderly and gives them both equal measures of respect. To me that speaks volumns about a person.

3.  He has a fantastic sense of humor, that is key to surviving any kind of relationship with me (see comments in #1 above).

4.  He is comfortable enough in his skin to marry a raging alpha female and honestly not give a damn when people make snarky comments about who wears the pants in the house. 

5.  He has a nice ass.  No matter how pissed, upset, or whatever I get with him that hasn't changed. 

Every marriage goes through rough spots, some more often and rougher than others.  Sometimes you loose that spark and have to give yourself time to reset and work on recognizing the qualities that caused you to marry that person in the first place.  Every fire need oxygen to keep burning. If it goes out, you need to re-light the flame.

Now I will be the first one to tell you he's not perfect (hell - none of us are especially me!) and there are times when his faults seem to out weigh his good qualities.  That's when you need to give yourself time to breath and ask yourself if the faults are new, or just currently getting on your nerves more than usual.

His qood qualities have not changed, so when it's been a rough patch I've been able to see it for what it is - a rough patch.

Now sometimes people do change and you need to move on.  However, so far, this has worked for me.

I've met Mr. And Mrs. Captain. I can vouch for some of what is posted. I just won't tell you which, um, parts.

I think rough patches happen to every relationship. They can be financial or medical or family-related, or all three.  In the long run, you support each other and split things 50-50. In the short run, sometimes one partner is doing 75% or even 100% of what needs to be done while the other is dealing with a bigger issue. It does turn out to be fair, I think, though not always equal on a daily basis.

[Regis]

Dec 10, 2014 10:29:57 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Or, to put it another way - you are seriously considering smothering them with a pillow when they're sleeping.

So that means that some of the posters on YM have hit a "rough patch" with me?  

[The Captain]

Dec 10, 2014 12:14:33 GMT -5 Regis said:

Dec 10, 2014 10:29:57 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Or, to put it another way - you are seriously considering smothering them with a pillow when they're sleeping.

So that means that some of the posters on YM have hit a "rough patch" with me?  

Yes.  Now you have to make us fall in love with you again.  I suggest wine, chocolate, and lots of foot rubs.

[tloonya]

Dec 10, 2014 12:16:13 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Dec 10, 2014 12:14:33 GMT -5 Regis said:

So that means that some of the posters on YM have hit a "rough patch" with me?  

Yes.  Now you have to make us fall in love with you again.  I suggest wine, chocolate, and lots of foot rubs.

Never understood foot rub. Don't even go for pedicure, doing it myself. Is foot rub...what?

[The Captain]

Dec 11, 2014 9:16:21 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Dec 10, 2014 12:16:13 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Yes.  Now you have to make us fall in love with you again.  I suggest wine, chocolate, and lots of foot rubs.

Never understood foot rub. Don't even go for pedicure, doing it myself. Is foot rub...what?

YMMV, but I, ummm...find foot rubs (when done very well by DH) to be very...stimulating.  You figure it out .

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 11, 2014 9:18:56 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Dec 11, 2014 9:16:21 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Never understood foot rub. Don't even go for pedicure, doing it myself. Is foot rub...what?

YMMV, but I, ummm...find foot rubs (when done very well by DH) to be very...stimulating.  You figure it out .

I was thinking that if you have to explain the attraction of a foot rub to someone, then they are clearly not the type to appreciate it...or what may result from it. After all, one does not simply stop at the feet.

[Deleted]

OMG, I so miss foot rubs. 

[tloonya]

Dec 11, 2014 9:46:58 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Dec 11, 2014 9:18:56 GMT -5 The Captain said:

YMMV, but I, ummm...find foot rubs (when done very well by DH) to be very...stimulating.  You figure it out .

I was thinking that if you have to explain the attraction of a foot rub to someone, then they are clearly not the type to appreciate it...or what may result from it. After all, one does not simply stop at the feet.

I prefer it goes without time wasted on feet rubbing.  

[tloonya]

Dec 11, 2014 9:54:55 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

OMG, I so miss foot rubs. 

What, you just laying there and...what? And how long is this rubbing goes? Doe he inspect your feet for calluses or why?

[Deleted]

Dec 11, 2014 12:21:40 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Dec 11, 2014 9:54:55 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

OMG, I so miss foot rubs. 

What, you just laying there and...what? And how long is this rubbing goes? Doe he inspect your feet for calluses or why?

Usually it was when we're watching TV.  We have a big sectional and I'd kick back with my feet on his lap and he'd break out the lotion.  They just feel so GOOOOOD after a long day.  So relaxing.  He would rub my feet for an entire movie.  It was heaven.

[toomuchreality]

Dec 10, 2014 12:14:33 GMT -5 Regis said:

Dec 10, 2014 10:29:57 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Or, to put it another way - you are seriously considering smothering them with a pillow when they're sleeping.

So that means that some of the posters on YM have hit a "rough patch" with me?  

I want to know which of the YM posters have been/might be with you, when you are sleeping!??

[Regis]

Dec 11, 2014 12:29:52 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Dec 10, 2014 12:14:33 GMT -5 Regis said:

So that means that some of the posters on YM have hit a "rough patch" with me?  

I want to know which of the YM posters have been/might be with you, when you are sleeping!??

I'm sure you do!  

[toomuchreality]

Dec 11, 2014 12:39:57 GMT -5 Regis said:

Dec 11, 2014 12:29:52 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

I want to know which of the YM posters have been/might be with you, when you are sleeping!??

I'm sure you do!  

Come on... Just whisper it to me.    I won't tell anyone.  I promise!

[tloonya]

OK, the thread had officially derailed. You foot rubbers

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 11, 2014 12:54:11 GMT -5 tloonya said:

OK, the thread had officially derailed. You foot rubbers

You want us to stay on topic, too? You DO realize where you are and what kind of people we are, right?

Sheesh, it's like you don't even know us.

[Deleted]

Hey, you were the one asking all the follow up questions on foot rubs! 

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 11, 2014 13:03:37 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Hey, you were the one asking all the follow up questions on foot rubs! 

But....but....Loony accused us of derailing her thread! Like that's never happened before!? It's what we do! (heck, around here, it's practically a noble calling).