When Others Are Suffering and Make Horrid Decisions

[Deleted]

My step-father has brain cancer. He has had it for the last 12 years (!!) but it has started to aggressively spread and he was given 3-12 months expiration date at his last appt.

My mom is a total shopaholic and is always spending a ton of cash. Well, I called to talk to her this weekend and she was out buying a new Cadillac!  

She said that she was completely stressed-out and when stressed she shops so what better time to get a new car.  (SMH)

I tried to suggest she wait, think about it, etc... but she was convinced and bought the car.

I am really wondering what will happen when my SF dies.  My mom has never lived on her own. While I am a very independent person, my mom is somewhere on the opposite end of the spectrum. She isn't ever comfortable alone or "bored." She is scared to be home alone...

When my grandparents died she bought land in another state off of eBay, and a gold mine claim in another state, off of eBay. (SMH - again)

She retired at 65 a couple years ago with about 30K in her 401K. She does have a nice monthly income, but she will be losing a chunk of that when my SF dies.

I just hate watching it from the sidelines feeling like I can't do anything about it....  Argh.

[Tennesseer]

Not much you can do when they will not listen to reason.  It may sound unkind, but sometimes you need to allow them to fall.

[HoneyBBQ]

Oh dear. She doesn't get your SF's survivor benefits? Or is there life insurance? How will she pay for the cady when he is gone? Is there any way you can force yourself into being more involved in her finances (if you wish?)?

My mother is also a shopaholic but luckily she only spends every cent she gets and not a penny more.

[greeniis10]

Yikes, sounds like a bad situation.  First of all, I'm sorry about your stepfather.  I hope he doesn't suffer terribly.

Is the car paid for or did she just take on a huge monthly payment?  Sounds like she's not only unprepared but also in denial.  Not sure if there's anything you can do if she doesn't think she has a problem and doesn't want to change.

[NancysSummerSip]

Shasta, I'm going to be somewhat blunt here.

Don't take on your mother's problems.

You are working hard at putting your own life together.  I am sorry about your stepdad, but your mother has made her choices. Taking on her bad choices takes you down a path right back into a poor state of things. I know you love your mom, but don't do it.

[Deleted]

Thanks.  No, I don't take on her issues, but it is just hard to watch it happen.

My SF was shot by his ex-wife back-in-the-day and she gets part of his retirement... (they have since changed this law!) So, when he retired he took the option that my mom doesn't get his retirement when he dies. He didn't want his ex getting money after he was dead.  

My mom said she had to buy the car before he dies so she could get approved for the loan.... 

[NancysSummerSip]

Nov 24, 2014 12:49:05 GMT -5 @workingshasta said:

Thanks.  No, I don't take on her issues, but it is just hard to watch it happen.

My SF was shot by his ex-wife back-in-the-day and she gets part of his retirement... (they have since changed this law!) So, when he retired he took the option that my mom doesn't get his retirement when he dies. He didn't want his ex getting money after he was dead.  

My mom said she had to buy the car before he dies so she could get approved for the loan.... 

OK, this sucks twice over.

And I'm glad you are not making her problem your problem. Keep digging out, sweetie. Offer to buy her food, if it will make you feel like you are helping. But no car payments. Her car is a want, not a need.

Just curious...did your SF's ex-wife get jail/prison time? How is it that she wound up with part of his retirement $$?

[happyhoix]

This is just how she is dealing with the stress.

When my dad was in the last six months of dying from Alheimers and he needed nearly constant care and assistance, my mother decided she just HAD to clean the whole house. Including washing all the walls, polishing every bit of wood, both the furniture and the wood trim, polishing all the old sliver, etc. I would get so angry at her because I would come to visit and there she would be, down on her hands and knees cleaning baseboards, ignoring me and dad and everyone else at the house. Finally I realized that she isn't good with dealing with stress, so she cleaned to try to ignore it. Some people shop, some people overeat, some people clean.

She did the same kind of thing when we were attempting to help her downsize from a four bedroom home into a one bedroom condo in a retirement community - she was having a hard time dealing with giving up her stuff (she's a pack rat) and rather than deal with decisions about what to discard and what to keep, she would want to sit and sort through her yarn stash and organize it by color, or go through and organize her address book, or sort through her magazines to put them in alphabetical and date order. If we kept pushing for her to make decisions, she would announce that she couldn't decide a single thing until she'd had a nap - so we'd wait until she got into her bedroom and then go through her forty years of clothing (for herself, dad and four kids) and her sets of sheets (for bed sizes she no longer owned) and tried to downsize her stuff for her - but even with all our efforts she ended up with way too much crap for a one bedroom condo and then she complained that we hadn't helped her go through her stuff well enough prior to the move and now her house was too crowded. 

Can't really do anything to fix this, except try to be patient with her because she's frightened and stressed out and scared about what will happen with SD is gone. Hopefully whatever financial damage she does can be undone - she can always sell the new car later on, to get out having to make the payments.

[Ombud]

Nov 24, 2014 13:55:23 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

This is just how she is dealing with the stress. ... Hopefully whatever financial damage she does can be undone - she can always sell the new car later on, to get out having to make the payments.

Bankruptcy

[Deleted]

Nov 24, 2014 15:00:32 GMT -5 Ombud said:

Bankruptcy

Well, that's one solution. There are a lot of social programs for low-income seniors and you can help your mother apply for them. I agree with the others, though- you've worked so hard to get your own life back together. Don't do anything that would be a step backwards for you. Your mother is an adult and she made her own choices.

If you need reinforcement, several people have recommended a book called "Boundaries" to help in dealing with needy family/friends without damaging your own situation. I haven't read it myself, though.

[Bonny]

Nov 24, 2014 16:07:11 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Nov 24, 2014 15:00:32 GMT -5 Ombud said:

Bankruptcy

Well, that's one solution. There are a lot of social programs for low-income seniors and you can help your mother apply for them. I agree with the others, though- you've worked so hard to get your own life back together. Don't do anything that would be a step backwards for you. Your mother is an adult and she made her own choices.

If you need reinforcement, several people have recommended a book called "Boundaries" to help in dealing with needy family/friends without damaging your own situation. I haven't read it myself, though.

It's a good book but it has a heavy Christian element to it. I found the constant references unnecessary and a little irritating therefore if you're not religious it takes a bit to get through it.

Important book and worth a read. I don't think Shasta is religious.

[CCL]

Is it possible your step dad is the 1 who wanted the new car? Maybe he's always wanted 1 she just wants to make him happy?

[Deleted]

No. He was pissed she bought it.

[NancysSummerSip]

Nov 24, 2014 20:17:47 GMT -5 @workingshasta said:

No. He was pissed she bought it.

And even though his diagnosis is terminal, he still does not deserve to end his days stressed and angry. I understand your mother's anxieties, but to shop in order to ease them while upsetting him just does nothing good here.

Is hospice involved yet? If not, it might be time. A "disinterested third party," so to speak. That's not a putdown of hospice, mind you. They are outstanding. But someone needs to be involved that your SD can have as an advocate, and your mother can have as respite and to handle some of the stress. And your SD does not need to be at death's door in order for hospice to step in. Also, hospice care is covered by Medicare, Medicaid and most insurance plans.