parent's mentality

[DVM gone riding]

vsnizzle cootoes on actually providing for your children and making them and their father the most important things. I think is board counts as a hobby so you have something but do take care of yourself to or you will just burn out.

[Firebird]

If you really want good advice on keeping your marriage together, ask your kid's pediatrician. Their divorce rate is less than half the national average,

Interesting! Source? Does it talk about other professions as well? I wonder about the reasons behind these statistics.

OT, Dark, WTH is up with your icon? It looks like a guy in Mickey Mouse ears who is handcuffed and sitting in a corner.

[Sum Dum Gai]

It's me in Minnie Mouse ears and a straight jacket sitting in a corner. I was bad and got a time out.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Interesting! Source? Does it talk about other professions as well?

That study only looked at physicians. You can find others that look at divorce rates by profession though. The one I quoted is a little older and published in the New England of Medicine, but I read the story from the John Hopkins Gazette www.jhu.edu/gazette/janmar97/mar1797/briefs.html. I've read other articles that find the same thing, but this one came up from a quick google search.

[Firebird]

Mar 3, 2011 16:25:20 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

It's me in Minnie Mouse ears and a straight jacket sitting in a corner. I was bad and got a time out.

I was close ;D I guess we know how discipline works in your house, huh?

[Sum Dum Gai]

Discipline/foreplay
Tomato/tomahto/bloody mary

[Firebird]

ROFL! You guys sound like fun

[Sum Dum Gai]

Everyone keeps saying that, but trust me, we're really boring.

[Loopdilou]

We really are.

[debtheaven]

Are you kidding me? According to my IL's the day I had my kid, that was the day I, Lena, ceased to exist. Evidently, according to the cards that I have received since then, I will never need or want or know any other happiness, except for the happiness of motherhood

Oh, also, I am not suppose to get any rest, "me" time or do anything else with my life until all of my childrens' needs are met and over-met.

Lena, I know that you and your DH sort of "subsidize" his parents. Have you ever thought about the fact that either consciously or subconsciously, their way of thinking keeps you exactly where they want you to be, ie "barefoot and pregnant" (not sure you know that expression LOL, if you don't, google it with the quotes). And frugal too, since (ideally) you will never need to do anything for or spend anything on yourself.

IOW, I think they are either consciously or (most likely) unconsciously creating a situation in which you will eventually have ZERO needs for yourself, and hopefully more money left over to send their way?

Just a thought. Because if they are such FABULOUS parents, and the only thing that is important to them are their kids and their grandkids, then why on earth are they continually trying to mooch off them?! For most of us, money is finite. So what you are giving to them, you are not giving to yourselves or your own kids. (I do know you only give them what you can afford, but I'm sure you see my point.)

Their argument is totally incoherent. Either the kids come first, or, they (the aging parents) come first. But it's one or the other, they can't have it both ways.

I do realize this ties in with the other thread that was started today.

[debtheaven]

PS I just googled "barefoot and pregnant" myself and apparently that phrase has since been adopted by mommy / baby bloggers! ACK! Check out the Wikipedia entry instead LOL.

[sil]

Not surprised to hear that the divorce rates for psychiatrists is as high or higher than the general population. Most of the psych majors I knew from college were kinda crazy. I figured they picked their majors so they could self-diagnose. I recently tried to find a therapist, and came to the conclusion that most of the crazy psych majors have found gainful employment in their field.

Physician, heal thyself!

[debtheaven]

This message has been deleted.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I posted the link to the Gazette write up earlier. Let me see if I can find the original published study real quick. To the Googlez!

<<tabs away for a minute>>

Oops, duh. It's subscriber only. The link is www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJM199703133361112 if you have a subscription.

[debtheaven]

I don't subscribe there. And what's up with the tomahto reference?! (DH is a Brit. Nobody's perfect LOL).

[Sum Dum Gai]

So far none of the pics Loop has used have been of her. Maybe one day though since she does have a great rack.

[Loopdilou]

Let me lose a few pounds and find an appropriate costume and decent photographer and you can see my boobies

[debtheaven]

Loop, it's OK, really. I promise. Plus aren't you a budding politician? Maybe it would be better not to.

[money100]

I agree with SF, Lena and Zib.

I don't think the life of the poster who plans to get back to her accomplishments after her kids are gone is a good life. Or whatever. I mean, I don't want that life. Whatever floats your boat, right?

My MIL did the run-after-your-kids thing and she has absolutely the worst marriage I've ever seen (barring abusive ones, obviously). This, coupled with being married to a wonderful man, who I'm lucky that DH took after.

Their marriage is so bad that she feels frustrated and tells everyone at the dinner table their personal, private business, which mortifies us and pushes her husband further away.

This is exactly why I agree with SF's comment that the marriage comes first. I've seen people who create boundaries (even with toddlers and babies) about couple-time and working on their relationship. People (women with kids, especially) who head out for regular time with friends, at hobbies, etc seem to do better and aren't as stressed out.

You would think that having a job, children, hobbies, friends and date nights would create a more stressful schedule. But it seems that the women who focus entirely on their kids are the ones running around like stressed out, hot messes.

I don't want that life. I once saw on Oprah, Maria Shriver was being asked if she felt guilty at being a working mom. She looked shocked and said that she wanted to give her children a mother who had a full life. Not to mention the message her daughters were getting: women can be mothers, wives, contributors to the community and career people.

I think that was a brilliant thing to say (and do). This is what I would like for my children when I eventually have them.

I will admit that I feel very sorry for women who say that they do anything for their kids and they are the focus of their lives. I've seen up close and personal, my MIL dealing with the slowly emptying nest and it ain't pretty. It's pathetic.

[shelby]

You know what I find "pathetic" is how incredibly judgmental and righteous some people are on this board. I mean you cannot be this stuck up in real life, or I have just found the number one website for pretentious d-bags on the Internet.

[shelby]

Some posters (and it won't take you long to figure them out) just hate women and it seems, their lives in general. Don't let them get at you.

Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=display&thread=4240&page=1#ixzz1FqKRltrY

Don't forget poor people and old people and people who do not look like them or do not carry the same false brevado and sense of elite status (which by the way is so not an entitlement mentatlity ). and on and on and on

[Miss Tequila]

Mar 3, 2011 11:55:56 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

I'm just telling you that not all people who put their children first lead empty and meaningless lives.

Children should not be the first thing in the parents lifes. The relationship of the married couple comes first.
Every marriage counselor and psychotherapist will say this.

Aren't you divorced?

[daylight]

My mom put their kids first. She had no friends, no hobbies. She and my dad separated when I was about 12. She still has no friends, no hobbies and her only company is her sister. She obviously has issues with growing up and having a personality in the first place. It's very difficult to help her to develop her own personality now getting close to pension but it's even more depressing to accept her life for what it is. My grandma also put her (three) kids first. My aunt never married, she never felt being up to the challenge of adult life. My uncle's marriage is unhappy. I've just told you how my mom's marriage turned out.
I hated hearing how she sacrified this and that for us while growing up. I hated seeing how she tried to live through us and not her own life.
When you raise your kids, you are setting an example to them, which includes your marriage. I hope I'll be able to break the cycle.
Most of my friends are married with children. It's obvious that if you don't have any help, it's really hard to find some me-time until the kids are younger than 2. But it can be done. A friend of mine started to improve her English language skills, another friend is working on a thesis. None of them have any help.
I agree though that moving away for a job does not help with either friends or hobbies.

[midjd]

Daylight, your mom sounds so much like mine. She has done nothing but raise the three of us for the last 27 years... when my brother and sister went off to college, she started dating this guy, but they've since broken up. She's not adjusting too well to us not "needing" her anymore, because she really doesn't have much else in her life.

She is a good mother, but I feel terrible that she's missed so many opportunities and that her entire life is wrapped up in the 3 of us.

[money100]

LOL @ Shelby. I am pretty judgmental, aren't I? I'm not a Christian so I don't believe that judging others is a bad thing. I find judging others helps me make better decisions in my life, so basically it's a great tool for me.

Daylight, very sadly you've described my MIL. Her only friends are her sisters who live far away and have certainly not had the same kid-focused life she has led. It's unfortunate when she turns to me to say that so-and-so can't talk because they're off to yoga or a book club. I think she regrets it because she often reminds her kids that she used to drive them everywhere, etc. She's also mentioned that she knows that she ought to get a hobby or even that her doctor told her to make friends or involve herself in the community. I do think she regrets it. I'm sad that I have to learn what NOT to do from her because she's certainly a kind and generous spirit who I wish had a heck of a lot more happiness in her life.

On another note, I just realized that another poster who said that the kids might end up thinking they are the centre of the world might be right. Each of her kids is incredibly selfish. I can't imagine that my husband can be this selfish (he's quite lovely in a million other ways) so I'm always shocked at how much more his siblings are. They are truly ungrateful to their mom for "giving them everything." So, this family's experience certainly proves that point.