msventoux
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Nov 11, 2014 12:02:03 GMT -5
Post by msventoux on Nov 11, 2014 12:02:03 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.
My mother passed away about a year ago. We were on good terms, but I wasn't expecting her passing even though she was in the hospital and had been having health problems for awhile. There's ample guilt there for various reasons.
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t-dog
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Nov 11, 2014 12:29:39 GMT -5
Post by t-dog on Nov 11, 2014 12:29:39 GMT -5
sorry for your loss ginpin
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dannylion
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Nov 11, 2014 12:29:43 GMT -5
Post by dannylion on Nov 11, 2014 12:29:43 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, ginpin.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Nov 11, 2014 12:54:24 GMT -5
You have been given a lot of good advice here, and I hope you heed it. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father this year. I knew it was coming. I tried to rely on my mom to let me know when it was time for me to be there because she would not let me come home and stay to be there to help. Her go-to mode of dealing with unpleasantness is to deny, deny, deny. Once again, she did not disappoint. He passed before I could get home. And afterwards, she said, "oh, I should have asked you to come sooner."
No point in holding on to anger and disappointment for me. And please believe me, there is no point to holding on to the guilt. Your mother knew you were there for her when it counted and that is all that matters.
I wish you peace of mind in the coming days. Please be at peace with yourself.
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teen persuasion
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Nov 11, 2014 13:02:59 GMT -5
Post by teen persuasion on Nov 11, 2014 13:02:59 GMT -5
So sorry for your loss, ginpin.
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greeniis10
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Nov 11, 2014 13:03:44 GMT -5
Post by greeniis10 on Nov 11, 2014 13:03:44 GMT -5
I'm so sorry ginpin. Hang in there. Give it time and just do what you can.
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suesinfl
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Nov 11, 2014 13:30:22 GMT -5
Post by suesinfl on Nov 11, 2014 13:30:22 GMT -5
Ginpin ... I'm so very sorry. Mega-hugs my friend
But how does one get passed the guilt?
When I lost my DH#1 I was racked with guilt ...... until one very wise person in my grief recovery group told me the difference between guilt and regret. Then I was able to deal with the emotions and get through it.
Guilt: implies that we have committed a purposeful act that is intended to do harm.
Regret: is what we feel when we wish somehow we had been able to change things.
Knowing the difference can be comforting and ease our minds. Gin, so, so sorry about your loss, but please read sesfew's quote above. It may not help/make sense today, but it will in time. Hugs
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 11, 2014 13:49:15 GMT -5
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, ginpin.
Many here said it perfectly and I just want to add time. It will take time. A few of us here also experienced unpleasant relationships with our moms during the last part of their lives so it makes their death even harder (IMO) because now nothing will ever get fixed or change. You are stuck with all of these memoires and emotions and you're not sure what to do with them yet. As you handle the estate or go through things you will be flooded with so much emotion and hopefully you will see the person you really loved and cared for while doing that.
Any anger, or disappointment left me completely when my mom died (3 years ago this Dec.). All that was left in my memories was the mom I was close to and loved dearly. When I arrived at her house I saw that she had kept everything I had given her when I moved from my last place to this one. I gave her my paintings, furniture, dishes, knick knacks, throw pillows, etc. and everything was lovingly taken care of and in her house or displayed somewhere. Even vases and flower arrangements were in her master bedroom and bath. That meant so much to me that she did that and that's when I knew a part of me was always with her as a part of her was always with me.
Try to find little things that remind you of her and take them home with you. Even if it's a candle or a shell (some things I took that I knew she loved) or something insignificant - take it with you. You will need your strength at this time to deal with this so be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself and feel your emotions completely. Don't try to shove them back because they will come up when least expected. I mourn hard so I do well but other's in my family shove it back and it takes them so many years (and usually therapy) to deal with all of their emotions. Cry and cry some more. It's so cleansing! (((Hugs))) You will get through this.
One more thing: Experience the pain of those regrets and then get them out of the way. You will realize later you did what you had to do for your own peace of mind. And it wasn't just you. Your mom took part in your decisions too. Feel it and move past it. As I was hearing stories from other family members and friends I knew that my decisions were the best ones as our last words were I love you and had I pushed things it would have ended badly. I thank God that didn't happen.
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Timberwolf
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Nov 11, 2014 14:26:19 GMT -5
Post by Timberwolf on Nov 11, 2014 14:26:19 GMT -5
condolences Our parents are flawed people who made mistakes, just like we do. forgive, and forgive yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know your mom's situation was difficult for you. Rukh gives very wise advice - I think if you forgive, your guilt will go away.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 15:15:06 GMT -5
So sorry ginpin. POM is correct about time. Time is definitely a big help in the whole process. It's been 3 years since my mom and it will be 11 years this month for my dad and I still have my moments, particularly in regards to my dad, but they have gotten a lot fewer and farther in between. Time has helped. Ok, and a few dozen bottles of booze but that's a whole 'nother story.
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Deleted
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Nov 11, 2014 19:39:59 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 19:39:59 GMT -5
I can only offer a very poor second to the thoughts and love that so many have already shared with you. When my mother died, I couldn't mourn her actual death because she so desperately wanted to be free of the diseased body that held her captive for many years, and the life limitations that her early, unfortunate choices dealt her. I did and do to this day, more than 3 decades later, mourn the woman who might have been and that I might have known. And it took many long years and tears to go from dwelling to mourning, from guilt to simple acknowledgment. Ultimately, you can only love the good parts of people and release the rest of them.
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kjto1
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Nov 11, 2014 21:12:13 GMT -5
Post by kjto1 on Nov 11, 2014 21:12:13 GMT -5
Hugs Ginpin. My Mom passed in 2010 and my Dad passed in 2011. I still have guilt/regrets - coulda/woulda/shoulda. I do acknowledge to myself that I did the best I was able to at the time. It does lessen over time (years), and I talk to my DH about it on occasion (when he notices that I had been crying.)
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Tired Tess
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Nov 11, 2014 22:02:32 GMT -5
Post by Tired Tess on Nov 11, 2014 22:02:32 GMT -5
I'm so very sorry. I wish you peace and strength.
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ginpin
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Nov 11, 2014 22:47:01 GMT -5
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Post by ginpin on Nov 11, 2014 22:47:01 GMT -5
Thanks guys. It's that coulda/woulda/shoulda that is kicking my butt. I wish she could have understood that I loved her, but wanted her to succeed in her life. She just wasn't the same after my dad died. But now she's with him, so I need to take comfort in that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 22:51:08 GMT -5
Thanks guys. It's that coulda/woulda/shoulda that is kicking my butt. I wish she could have understood that I loved her, but wanted her to succeed in her life. She just wasn't the same after my dad died. But now she's with him, so I need to take comfort in that. Possibly she can understand more than you thought because she is you mother. ((((((HUGS))))))
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whoisjohngalt
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Nov 11, 2014 23:06:47 GMT -5
Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 11, 2014 23:06:47 GMT -5
I am so very sorry for your loss.
May you have the strength you need to be able to handle everything.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Nov 11, 2014 23:13:35 GMT -5
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Nov 11, 2014 23:13:35 GMT -5
So sorry for your loss, ginpin - you can't focus on the coulda//woulda/shoulda that runs through your mind right now. She was your mother - the person who gave birth to you.
You can't change the past, and to feel guilty about the coulda/woulda/shoulda's won't help you ease your loss.
Instead, reflect on the person and what they brought into your life or taught you. We have to learn to celebrate a person's life, rather than mourn their passing. Your parents are the people who help contribute to the people you become today.
Pay your respects, and give your thanks for giving you life. Remember the joys and sorrows, and all the memories - rather than dwelling on their passing. I always refect on the memories and happiness of growing up in my family, rather than the fact some are no longer here with me.
To everything there is a season (to quote an old Byrds song) or the verse of Ecclesiastes 3:1.
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Jaguar
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Nov 11, 2014 23:55:02 GMT -5
Post by Jaguar on Nov 11, 2014 23:55:02 GMT -5
Sending my sincerest condolences.
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Ombud
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Nov 12, 2014 0:39:32 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Ombud on Nov 12, 2014 0:39:32 GMT -5
so sorry for your loss
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quince
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Nov 12, 2014 1:11:11 GMT -5
Post by quince on Nov 12, 2014 1:11:11 GMT -5
I am sorry for your loss. I don't know that guilt ever fades- I think the sharp edges just erode a bit, and it becomes bearable, or at least easier to redirect your thoughts.
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toomuchreality
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Nov 12, 2014 1:36:39 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Nov 12, 2014 1:36:39 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss... May your heart and soul find peace and comfort.
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mamasita99
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Nov 12, 2014 5:01:25 GMT -5
Post by mamasita99 on Nov 12, 2014 5:01:25 GMT -5
-wilted-I'm so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort and strength during this difficult moment.
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CarolinaKat
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Nov 12, 2014 12:33:50 GMT -5
Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 12, 2014 12:33:50 GMT -5
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Nov 12, 2014 14:58:51 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2014 14:58:51 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss.
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midwestlily
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Nov 12, 2014 16:39:43 GMT -5
Post by midwestlily on Nov 12, 2014 16:39:43 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, Ginpin. I was on bad terms with my mother when she died, almost ten years ago, and for months I was on an emotional seesaw, sometimes feeling angry at her unreasonable expectations (yes, still angry after she was gone), sometimes feeling guilty about not doing more of what she wanted. Eventually I got some professional help, and that got me through it. I wish I'd gone sooner. I kept telling myself that I could work through my feelings alone; most people can, and I hope that works for you. But I really needed to speak to someone objective to be able to forgive my mother and myself.
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Jake 48
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keeping the faith
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Nov 12, 2014 19:29:51 GMT -5
Post by Jake 48 on Nov 12, 2014 19:29:51 GMT -5
Hugs and prayers
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 12, 2014 20:21:17 GMT -5
So sorry, Hon!
Don't beat up on yourself. Remember: your Mom's greatest success was how well YOU turned out.
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