ginpin
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Nov 11, 2014 8:25:12 GMT -5
Post by ginpin on Nov 11, 2014 8:25:12 GMT -5
My mother passed away yesterday morning.
I guess I had my head in the sand, as I thought she could pull out of this. So I didn't do ANYTHING regarding her finances, estate, whatever. Shame on me. So I need to speak to a lawyer to see how I need to go about dealing with her estate, or lack of one.
But how does one get passed the guilt? A few of you had PM'd me (thank you!!) with their similar stories/circumstances. I know logically that this wasn't my fault, but my mom and I were broken...I had hoped we could mend things after we got her set up in her own apartment and life. We were just too late.
<sigh>
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milee
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Nov 11, 2014 8:26:18 GMT -5
Post by milee on Nov 11, 2014 8:26:18 GMT -5
I'm so sorry.
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mollyanna58
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Nov 11, 2014 8:28:31 GMT -5
Post by mollyanna58 on Nov 11, 2014 8:28:31 GMT -5
I'm very sorry for your loss.
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Shooby
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Nov 11, 2014 8:30:01 GMT -5
Post by Shooby on Nov 11, 2014 8:30:01 GMT -5
I am so sorry ginpin.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 11, 2014 8:32:20 GMT -5
ginpin, I'm so sorry for your loss. Just try to realize and remember, guilt is always a part of the grieving process. We all feel it to one degree or another. We all question what we might have done, did do, or didn't do. Yet, these things are really out of our hands. When death comes to one we love, we grieve and we wish it could have been different. It's part of being human. Hugs, sweetie. Time does heal.
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Shooby
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Nov 11, 2014 8:35:29 GMT -5
Post by Shooby on Nov 11, 2014 8:35:29 GMT -5
You have a lot to process right now. And, don't let guilt take hold. Every person on the planet could have done things differently.
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taz157
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Nov 11, 2014 8:44:59 GMT -5
Post by taz157 on Nov 11, 2014 8:44:59 GMT -5
I'm sorry gin.
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thyme4change
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Nov 11, 2014 8:46:00 GMT -5
Post by thyme4change on Nov 11, 2014 8:46:00 GMT -5
Find a grief support group or maybe you can just get a little counseling. Sometimes when you talk to a professional and they say "It will all be okay" you believe.
I understand the whole "head in the sand" thing. I avoided seeing my friend who died a few months ago. Even when I saw her I said (out loud) "She didn't look as bad as I expected." It is inconceivable that she isn't out there, just going about her life, any more.
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Deleted
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Nov 11, 2014 9:13:48 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 9:13:48 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Ginpin.
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JustLurkin
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This is what you look like right now.
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Nov 11, 2014 9:14:37 GMT -5
Post by JustLurkin on Nov 11, 2014 9:14:37 GMT -5
I am very sorry for your loss and what you're experiencing.
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zibazinski
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Nov 11, 2014 9:19:03 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Nov 11, 2014 9:19:03 GMT -5
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The Captain
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Nov 11, 2014 9:20:33 GMT -5
Post by The Captain on Nov 11, 2014 9:20:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry for all of your losses.
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giramomma
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Nov 11, 2014 9:20:36 GMT -5
Post by giramomma on Nov 11, 2014 9:20:36 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Deleted
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Nov 11, 2014 9:21:14 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 9:21:14 GMT -5
ginpin, I'm so sorry for your loss. Just try to realize and remember, guilt is always a part of the grieving process. We all feel it to one degree or another. We all question what we might have done, did do, or didn't do. Yet, these things are really out of our hands. When death comes to one we love, we grieve and we wish it could have been different. It's part of being human. Hugs, sweetie. Time does heal. I never went to see my aunt when she was on her deathbed in August. I was doing the head in the sand thing and figured she'd pull out of it and there was more time. Now, I'm constantly wishing I would have gone to see her, visited more and told her I loved her (I don't think I ever had and I did very much).
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Nov 11, 2014 9:24:40 GMT -5
Post by mmhmm on Nov 11, 2014 9:24:40 GMT -5
ginpin, I'm so sorry for your loss. Just try to realize and remember, guilt is always a part of the grieving process. We all feel it to one degree or another. We all question what we might have done, did do, or didn't do. Yet, these things are really out of our hands. When death comes to one we love, we grieve and we wish it could have been different. It's part of being human. Hugs, sweetie. Time does heal. I never went to see my aunt when she was on her deathbed in August. I was doing the head in the sand thing and figured she'd pull out of it and there was more time. Now, I'm constantly wishing I would have gone to see her, visited more and told her I loved her (I don't think I ever had and I did very much). I think most of us have feelings like that when we lose loved ones. My family (in California at the time) didn't make it back to Oklahoma before my grandmother passed. She died a few hours before we got there. We all hurt for having been unable to say goodbye and how much she'd meant to us. Yet, in my heart, I know she knew.
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andi9899
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Nov 11, 2014 9:38:30 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by andi9899 on Nov 11, 2014 9:38:30 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine. I hope you have all the support you need during this difficult time.
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Pants
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Nov 11, 2014 9:38:44 GMT -5
Post by Pants on Nov 11, 2014 9:38:44 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss, gin. There will be a lot of craziness over the next few months. Please be kind to yourself.
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NancysSummerSip
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Nov 11, 2014 9:41:49 GMT -5
Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 11, 2014 9:41:49 GMT -5
My mother passed away yesterday morning.
I guess I had my head in the sand, as I thought she could pull out of this. So I didn't do ANYTHING regarding her finances, estate, whatever. Shame on me. So I need to speak to a lawyer to see how I need to go about dealing with her estate, or lack of one.
But how does one get passed the guilt? A few of you had PM'd me (thank you!!) with their similar stories/circumstances. I know logically that this wasn't my fault, but my mom and I were broken...I had hoped we could mend things after we got her set up in her own apartment and life. We were just too late.
<sigh>
I'm sorry sweetie. But don't blame yourself for anything here. The guilt and the grief are part of the process. It's been exactly three years this week since my mother had her heart attack (the anniversary is actually Friday) and I still wonder every day if I did anything right in the two months leading from there to her passing. Get yourself to a support group or a counselor pronto for help. It's not a sin to realize that at this moment, all this is bigger than you. If her estate is sizable, she has property, stocks, bonds, etc. you may need an attorney. If it's like my mother, who basically had just bank accounts that totaled less than $50,000, then you can handle this on your own. My mother did have a will, POA, etc, however. Do you have siblings? Are there grandkids in line to inherit? This could complicate things, unless you can all come to a quick agreement.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Nov 11, 2014 9:57:26 GMT -5
Very sorry for your loss.
My older sister died unexpectly in April. For years she had resisted any of us visiting her, and she only talked to me (and only occasionally), ignoring the other two sibs, for the most part. She never talked about her house or living conditions.
When we went to clear out her house we found out she was living in squalor. She was a hoarder with five cats, and the house clearly hadn't been cleaned in decades. Trash piled in the corners, kitty litter dumped on the floor, sink full of unwashed dirty dishes years old, urine and crap soaked rugs throughout the house.
I felt really guilty that I hadn't insisted on coming to visit her -if I'd seen how she was living I would have notifed adult protective services. I would have helped her clean her mess up. I could have helped those poor cats that were stuck living in that squalor with her. My two sisters felt even worse, because at least I had made the effort to keep in touch over the years, while they rarely bothered.
You have to let go of the guilt and realize that you did the best you could - it takes two people to have a relationship, and if the other person is resistant, you can't make them. Funnel your energies into making something positive out of her estate. I'm the trustee for my sister's estate and I'm donating some of it to some cat charities in her name. You can do the same to honor your mom's memory.
For practical info on what to do with her estate - you aren't in a rush. Wait a while to grieve, then contact an attorney who specializes in estates - the one I hired has been extremely helpful. See if you can find a will, when you're going through her effects.
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Blonde Granny
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Nov 11, 2014 10:00:03 GMT -5
Post by Blonde Granny on Nov 11, 2014 10:00:03 GMT -5
I too am so sorry for you loss.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 10:52:40 GMT -5
(((((((((( ginpin)))))))))) Your mother is OK now except I am crying for you
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 11, 2014 10:55:03 GMT -5
I'm very sorry for your loss Ginpin. I don't know if it will help but cleaning up my mother's messed up financial estate helped a lot with my grieving. While there was plenty of regret that she handled things the way she did, I did have some closure in that I realized we were two very different people and that she led the life she wanted to. And I never could have changed that. Feel free to PM me if you need help dealing with an insolvent estate.
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muttleynfelix
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Nov 11, 2014 11:01:55 GMT -5
Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 11, 2014 11:01:55 GMT -5
So sorry for your loss.
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NastyWoman
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Nov 11, 2014 11:03:46 GMT -5
Post by NastyWoman on Nov 11, 2014 11:03:46 GMT -5
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Lizard Queen
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Nov 11, 2014 11:07:13 GMT -5
Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 11, 2014 11:07:13 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss. My head is in the sand as well, which I've been readily admitting to DH. (Actually, I was thinking of a different place, but sand sounds much nicer. Getting all the paper ducks in a row feels like giving my mom a green light to exit, if that makes any sense.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Nov 11, 2014 11:11:03 GMT -5
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 11, 2014 11:11:03 GMT -5
But how does one get passed the guilt?
To be honest I don't think you ever do. It just gets pushed back further into your brain as time goes on.
My maternal grandmother went in for a "routine" procedure and ended up in a coma in the ICU. I was called while away at college. I was only 2 hours away so I asked if I should drive home. My parents told me don't drive home yet.
She died the next day. That was back in 2006.
She wouldn't have known I was there and there wasn't anything I could do about the situation, but I still feel terrible that I didn't come home.
It's not something I think about every day anymore, but I wrestled with it right after her death.
The guilt came back full force when dealing with my paternal grandfather back in September. I made it a point to get up there to see him.
This time around I feel guilty because he died shortly after Abby was born. I was so excited because she came early and I was thinking we'd get her up to the hospital in time. Didn't happen, he was moved into hospice before I was discharged and died a couple days later.
There is absolutely jack shit I could have done to control the situation, but that doesn't make the feelings go away.
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plugginaway22
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Nov 11, 2014 11:11:31 GMT -5
Post by plugginaway22 on Nov 11, 2014 11:11:31 GMT -5
So sorry for your loss...do not beat yourself up! Take everything day by day.
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raeoflyte
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Nov 11, 2014 11:12:39 GMT -5
Post by raeoflyte on Nov 11, 2014 11:12:39 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Ginpin.
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Nov 11, 2014 11:46:10 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2014 11:46:10 GMT -5
I also wanted to add my condolences to you on the loss of your mom.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Nov 11, 2014 11:48:47 GMT -5
Ginpin ... I'm so very sorry. Mega-hugs my friend
But how does one get passed the guilt?
When I lost my DH#1 I was racked with guilt ...... until one very wise person in my grief recovery group told me the difference between guilt and regret. Then I was able to deal with the emotions and get through it.
Guilt: implies that we have committed a purposeful act that is intended to do harm.
Regret: is what we feel when we wish somehow we had been able to change things.
Knowing the difference can be comforting and ease our minds.
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