Teens and emotional health

[Deleted]

I'm going to take a hiatus here soon till Christmas break, but beforehand was wondering if you had input.

Son has been rather unhappy the last few months. Some is natural growing pains I think. He lost a friendship a few months ago, he's still not entirely sure why. He just turned 16. But I hate to see him so sad and down on himself. 

My plan: Focus on good diet and exercise. Retrench on some bad tech habits we've gotten into lately (some isolating, too much social media, excessive screen time). Finding more opportunities to feel meaningful, productive.

Thoughts?  Ideas?

[Shooby]

Do you think it is the lost friendship or are there other things going on as well? Maybe things in school that he hasn't told you about? My teen sons are tougher to crack than Fort Knox sometimes. Maybe plan a winter party where he has his friends or how about a ski trip or something like that?
But I do think that it is important to learn that we all feel down from time to time too and that it is OK to have those kinds of feelings but they are temporary.

[plugginaway22]

Yes it could be just a normal phase or it could be depression.  Don't wait too long to see a doctor, this can be a rough age but just getting him to speak with a counselor is a good start. Good luck, raising teenagers is the toughest thing parents do!

[Deleted]

My kids are homeschooled. 

We have talked about everyone going through these things. And about 'positive head speak'. I tell him he can tell me anything and it seems something deep is bothering him, but he just says he doesn't know. There is nothing. He doesn't know why. 

Mostly im worried about the 'I don't feel good about myself', and his increased need it seems to apologize for things which do not require an apology. 

We spent most of the week before traveling prepping. Were gone 2 1/2 weeks. I spent the first week home decompressing myself (I'm highly introverted and needed to just be alone a bit, even with the kids here it was like we were circling each other rather than interacting). Last week was 'back in the swing'... Semi successful. 

So... I'm hoping we just have some short term, been a crazy, weird month and a half, short term readjustment thing. 

I just don't want it to escalate.

[skubikky]

Can he talk to his Dad about what's going on?

[Deleted]

That's a good point skub. I'm usually the one he talks to, but I'll make sure husband takes the time to check in more frequently as well... Thanks.

[Phoenix84]

No ideas, but good luck.

[Deleted]

I have a cousin 9 years older than me that could get my kids to open up sometimes and tell her things they wouldn't tell me. I trusted her not to steer them wrong, and if there was something she thought I needed to know, she'd tell me. I had to figure out how to handle things without letting them know she'd told me anything, but I preferred that to not having a clue.

Does your son have a trusted adult like that in his life? Sometimes teenagers have an easier time talking to someone other than their parents.

I hope it's just a short phase for your son. Well wishes to all of you!

[busymom]

Are there social or sports groups that homeschoolers in your community can participate in, so he can meet some new kids? 

I would definitely check in with a doctor, too. Not to scare you, but at DD's first year at college, a young man committed suicide. None of his friends would've guessed how depressed he really was, so let the doctor rule out depression.

[bean29]

Could he participate in school sports?  My cousin homeschooled, but had her kids in team sports at the local schools.  I also think most of her 6 or 7 kids actually moved in to the public school system by HS.  I think she has 1 or 2 at home yet. 

My son was never interested in sports - DH tried to get him to do soccer and he wanted nothing to do with Baseball, but the neighbor kid talked him into going out for wrestling his sophmore year and he was Varsity 2of 3 years he was in HS.  He is participating in something called Ultimate Frisbee in College which is a team sport like Soccer only with a Frisbee. 

Wrestling is a good sport b/c It is a Team Sport and they need kids in every weight class so it is inclusive of the underweight and overweight kids in the school.

My son was in the 120 lb weight class although his senior year he may have been 125 -130.

[gooddecisions]

Can you be more specific about focus on more exercise? Are you doing exercise at home or joining organized sports? Organized sports would get him away from the screen and interacting with kids his age. I second, more 1 on 1 quality time with dad.

[bean29]

OPED, just want to mention that if you curb social media and electronics you may cut off some of your Son's friendships.

DD still is in touch with a neighbor girl that lived accross the street 7 years or so ago.  She has moved several times.  A friend from Middle School that moved one state over commented on her Senior Pics we posted to FB.  My kids are not overly into FB.  They are more about Twitter, and DD usually posts to FB to satisfy the Aunts requesting pics of things like Prom and Homecomming.  DD and DS used to do online gaming where they link up with their friends, so limiting his time might be better than eliminating it or you might increase his feeling of isolation.

[whoisjohngalt]

Nov 10, 2014 7:30:39 GMT -5 oped said:

My kids are homeschooled. 

We have talked about everyone going through these things. And about 'positive head speak'. I tell him he can tell me anything and it seems something deep is bothering him, but he just says he doesn't know. There is nothing. He doesn't know why. 

Mostly im worried about the 'I don't feel good about myself', and his increased need it seems to apologize for things which do not require an apology. 

We spent most of the week before traveling prepping. Were gone 2 1/2 weeks. I spent the first week home decompressing myself (I'm highly introverted and needed to just be alone a bit, even with the kids here it was like we were circling each other rather than interacting). Last week was 'back in the swing'... Semi successful. 

So... I'm hoping we just have some short term, been a crazy, weird month and a half, short term readjustment thing. 

I just don't want it to escalate.

My husband goes through that sometimes.  It's hard for me to understand bc when I am upset/angry/stressed - I know exactly why and I need to talk it out.  But there are times when he'll tell me he is cranky/upset/angry and can't figure out why.  He needs to work though it in his head.

Is your son "need to talk it out" person or "let me think it through myself" person?

I would certainly keep a close eye on him, and keep reassuring him that you are there to talk and may be do some cheer leading about what kind of person he is - but may be stay back a bit too?

Also, have you asked your DD?  Sometimes siblings are more tuned in with each other than parents

[Firebird]

Ugh, 16.  I wouldn't be that age again for anything.  Everything hurts and everything feels like the end of the world.

You're a good mom for wanting to reach out to him and help him.

Could it be a love interest gone wrong? 

[Firebird]

Also, have you asked your DD? Sometimes siblings are more tuned in with each other than parents

Personally, I wouldn't touch this one.  Unless safety is involved, I'd want my children to know that confidences between them and their siblings would be respected by their parents. 

This would also go for confidences between them and any trusted adult confidantes/family friends/teachers.  Some things you just don't want to discuss with your parents.  I think that's okay - again, unless safety is involved.  You should be able to trust that the adults in your children's life would have the good judgment to know when you should be involved in a situation.  

Kids deserve privacy too, within reason. 

[Deleted]

Nov 10, 2014 10:51:37 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Nov 10, 2014 7:20:00 GMT -5 oped said:

I'm going to take a hiatus here soon till Christmas break, but beforehand was wondering if you had input.

Son has been rather unhappy the last few months. Some is natural growing pains I think. He lost a friendship a few months ago, he's still not entirely sure why. He just turned 16. But I hate to see him so sad and down on himself. 

My plan: Focus on good diet and exercise. Retrench on some bad tech habits we've gotten into lately (some isolating, too much social media, excessive screen time). Finding more opportunities to feel meaningful, productive.

Thoughts?  Ideas?

does he have other friendships? I would focus on more time on friendship activities.

If he really doesn't have other friends - then a focus on finding activites for him to make connections with others his age so that some friendships can potentially develop.

He does, although I feel that was his 'best' friend. We have been trying to focus on others, but I think getting to more places he can meet more people is also something we should be looking at!

[Deleted]

Some really good ideas here. Thanks!

I asked him yesterday again about sports, clubs, play... Did he want to pursue anything like that, he said no. I did also ask him if he wanted to considering going to school to be around more people during the day, because there weren't going to be as many day time opportunities that weren't. 'Homeschool ' functions because those kids are in school, but he said no to that too.

I'll just keep trying, while not pushing too hard.., what a balancing act ...

Social media. I agree I don't like to limit skype with friends, but lately he's been on teenspeak and it seems with lots of virtual people and maybe not the best experience? Also my daughter could use an Instagram holiday so all around I'll think we'll screen free for a week then discuss.

I might ask her about stuff though. I know what you are saying firebird, about trust. But they are close and together often. She might have insight.

[gooddecisions]

You didn't answer the question about his driver's license. Does he have one? Is he allowed out without you? I'm having a tough time getting a sense of the life-style since I was not home-schooled and was very active in clubs and sports. I loved my teenage years, but my parents weren't overly involved in helping me make friendships. By 16, they were well-established and I set up my own social life. I can't imagine being a 16 year old and my mom setting up play dates for me. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but like I said- I'm having a tough time envisioning the life-style.

[Tiny]

Maybe he's still grieving (or doesn't know he is) the lost friendship?

[Deleted]

Sorry, no, he doesn't have a drivers license yet. He turned 16 this month. I'm hoping to get to the permit test this week, but realistically we will be at least 6-8 months before he has a liscence. So yes, it does require me to drive. And, as I have yet to find a house/land we all like, we are fairly far out. 

I was asking mainly if he is interested in different activities so we can investigate and get him involve. Yes, homeschooling does require a bit more logistically. 

I don't 'set up play dates'... But our group uses meetup frequently, so I guess those are 'play dates' of a kind. In addition to regular stuff like Books and Bowling, people will put up things like LOTR Friday or ice skating or going to the movies, and educational stuff etc. I generally the kids what they want to attend. But the group isn't always attuned to his exact interests, one of the reasons I drive an hour every Saturday to get him in an art class he likes. 

They set up their own overnights, etc, although I might help organize logistics. I'm guessing that there is more parent role there because of the nature of homeschooling and knowing parents. 

He works with his Dad in the business. But I think it isn't a bad idea after he does have a liscence to look at alternatives if that works for both of them.

[happyhoix]

Teens are moody. That's just how they are.

At sixteen, he's probably wanting some independence, and that sounds like it's difficult, since you guys live far out of town. I assume there is no public transit, he has to rely on his parents to take him places. Hard to just go someplace to hang out with friends if he has to schedule in advance with Mom or Dad. DS, when he was that age, lived in a neighborhood with several friends within walking distance, so he could go hang out at their house for a while after school.

He might also have a girl thing going on. DS is very introverted and never shared much with his dad or me about his dating life. I remember when he was about 14 the girl he was seeing casually (not really dating, just hanging out at school with) dumped him unceremoniously, and DS was moody for days. When I finally got him to discuss what happened, I was frankly surprised at how distraught he was about being dumped. My kid has always been calm, laid back, not at all dramatic, and to see how this girl just jerked out his heart and kicked it around was very surprising. I didn't even think he liked her all that much.  I think maybe we don't expect boys to get as emotional as girls do over breakups. So possibly there is some girl he was being friendly with, or hoping to be friendly with, and she rebuffed him.

[gooddecisions]

At 16, I didn't have time to be moody or depressed. Between classes, sports, clubs, homework, a job, social life and family time (minimal)- there was no time to sit around and mope or dwell. Maybe he has too much free time or "unscheduled" time?

[Firebird]

Nov 10, 2014 13:58:19 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

At 16, I didn't have time to be moody or depressed. Between classes, sports, clubs, homework, a job, social life and family time (minimal)- there was no time to sit around and mope or dwell. Maybe he has too much free time or "unscheduled" time?

It sounds like you're saying that if teens are in enough activities and/or doing the right amount of good things, they shouldn't ever have a chance to get depressed?

Am I understanding that correctly?  If so, it's an incredibly ignorant sentiment. 

[vonna]

oped,

You know your son better than anyone on this board.  And since you are his mom, you are going to worry yourself, probably more than you should. (Because you are a mom!)

There has been some really good advice, and you are obviously open to advice.  But, don't sell yourself short, and trust yourself too -- in time, you will be able to figure out if this is a phase, or something more. 

Think of when your DS is most apt to open up to you -- maybe you could ask him to run an errand with you that would take awhile in the car, or maybe stay up late and offer him his favorite snack, take a late night walk with him  -- I think you can tell him you have been concerned about him and see if he opens up.

Or, as others have suggested, maybe your DH would be more apt to get him to talk a bit about how he is feeling.

Most of all, best wishes! 

[Deleted]

Nov 10, 2014 13:58:19 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

At 16, I didn't have time to be moody or depressed. Between classes, sports, clubs, homework, a job, social life and family time (minimal)- there was no time to sit around and mope or dwell. Maybe he has too much free time or "unscheduled" time?

[gs11rmb]

I agree with some other posters that your son sounds lonely and isolated.  It doesn't appear as if he is able to have any social interactions purely on his own terms and that isn't healthy.

The fact that you are worried comes across quite plainly so I hope you find a solution that works well for your son.

[Deleted]

16 year old boys have 'stay up all night and play video games' overnights

I have been trying to push the permit. In PA he needs to drive at least 6 months with a permit before getting a license. I will do all i can to fit in the required hours in that time, so long as winter doesn't derail me. 

I would not have said he was lonely or isolated before this recent period of time. We are constantly on the go. Its true that its not always 'alone' time, but he has friends in town and they routinely had gone around town, or we dropped them at the amusement park, or pool, etc. for the day. However, it does seem more like that right now, and as i said, i don't want that to escalate. 

He just came in from doing Geometry upset because he didn't do well on the lesson. That is just not like him. 

He has always liked to talk at night Vonna. He's a night owl. I agree, lots of good advice, i'll be taking seriously. 

I'm probably going to unplug soon. Not because there isn't good advice, but if we are giving up our internet vices for a few weeks, i need to give up mine too  

I do appreciate all of the kind thoughts and good suggestions. 

[gooddecisions]

Good luck! You sound like a very caring mom.

[happyhoix]

He just came in from doing Geometry upset because he didn't do well on the lesson. That is just not like him.

Well, if he is like my DS (and he could be completely different - they are all different) my DS was smart enough he got through elementary and middle school without much effort on his part. School work was easy. I think he got a little cocky. Then he got into HS and ran into chemistry - for some reason (probably partly due to the teacher, who was a little New Agey) this was just one subject that made no sense at all to him, and it floored him. He wasn't used to being the kid in the class that didn't 'get it.' So maybe your DS is experiencing difficulty grasping a new subject for the first time?

By the way, if this IS the problem, tell him that usually, people either 'get' geometry or 'get' algebra, but not both - I perfectly understood geometry and excelled at it, algebra, on the other hand, was like beating my head against the wall. My DH was the opposite.

I used to tell DS that he needed to take courses that he stuggled in, because those are the ones that taught you the most - how to study, how to ask questions, how to figure out things that don't make too much sense to you. Easy courses just make you lazy.

[whoisjohngalt]

Could it be that the reason or part of the reason that friendship ended has something to do with him not being good enough as seen by the other and now he is seeing it everywhere?

Wow, long sentence - does it make sense?