Help me answer my mother's question

[Deleted]

You know what I never remember to do, or have time to do at large gatherings? Take pictures. Maybe put her in charge of taking pics? 

[Deleted]

Nov 9, 2014 21:43:31 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Nov 8, 2014 19:01:03 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

DH would. He would be annoyed with her and with me for weeks. He's still mad at my BIL (not that he let's anyone besides me know that) for taking too long to peel potatoes for breakfast one day. 

Seriously?  I find that worrisome.

I have to say,  ...

[cronewitch]

Mom and I aren't known as great cooks so aren't asked to bring pies or things that might be hard. Mom was always the one to bring pickles and olives. I am asked to bring Chex Mix, I make that really well and deviled eggs but usually want to bring raw vegetable platter. But out kitchens are clean so no worry about what we bring. From a dirty kitchen I would ask her to bring the pickles and olives, soft drinks, napkins, bags of chips or other pick it up at the store items. You might also instead ask her to bring a game or toy or book to entertain the smaller children while most people are in the kitchen. She can play an easy game like candy land or teach them go fish before the meal.
One year my niece was about 5 and she was put in charge of pickles, olives and cranberry sauce, I was her assigned assistant. We sliced canned cranberry sauce and cut with cookie cutters laying the pieces on platters. We took divided dishes and she decided which olives and pickles went in which dish. Now she is 42 and has hosted some of the holidays the last few years, this year she is living with her parents because she sold her house and doesn't have a new one yet, so her parents are hosting again.

[Ombud]

I've decided to ask DIL's mom to bring sparkling apple juice (no soda) as not everyone drinks wine and DS is less than impressed with her cooking skills

[Shooby]

She wants to bring something. Ask her to bring a relish tray or snack tray.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 9, 2014 21:43:31 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Nov 8, 2014 19:01:03 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

DH would. He would be annoyed with her and with me for weeks. He's still mad at my BIL (not that he let's anyone besides me know that) for taking too long to peel potatoes for breakfast one day. 

Seriously?  I find that worrisome.

Me too. No wonder the mother is asking for advice. I would be too if I were a guest coming to dinner. To many ways to do the wrong thing.

[Shooby]

I would not have my guests doing dishes. But, if she just got up and came and pitched in, that is OK but no I would not be planning for them to help with clean up.

[jinksd1]

I'm with the others that suggested a store-bought food item.  I vote for something like dinner rolls, a loaf of good bakery bread, nuts, etc.

I am the kind of hostess that really doesn't need or want anyone to bring anything, but I grew up in a large family where potluck-style was the only way it was done.  So my parents are not comfortable showing up without something.  Luckily, they're both great cooks, so over the years I've become comfortable with asking them (only them, no other guests) to bring something they make well.  They truly would feel wrong to show up empty-handed to a party.

Some of our younger friends are still not quite used to being a guest at a party instead of a contributer...a holdover from their college days, I suspect.  They will often show up with a bag of chips or Oreos or something like that, even if I tell them to just bring themselves.  That's just fine, as I know it makes them feel better, especially since they can't reciprocate because they aren't in a place to host parties themselves just yet.

Then there's one friend that I love dearly but who often shows up with something that is pretty much a duplicate of something I made for the same party.  For July 4th this year, she brought watermelon and potato salad, both which I already had.  I put out my potato salad because I had no other way of getting rid of a huge bowl of it and didn't want to waste it.  But I kept my watermelon hidden away in the fridge to spare her feelings, and we just ate it up ourselves in the days following the party.  I honestly don't mind her bringing something if it makes her feel better, but I do wish she would choose something unusual or unique instead of a "standard" dish that I might already have. This has happened several times, and it always makes me feel bad for her and puts me in an awkward position of trying to figure out what to do with my dishes that are similar to hers.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

 If DH is that uppity that he'll hold a grudge over improper potato peeling (seriously, how can you piss someone off peeling potatoes?) then I would not suggest she bring food.   Too many potential landmines to dodge.

I'd go with the paper napkin suggestion. Everyone can use extra napkins.  Perhaps suggest ones in fall colors or with turkeys on them to make them a bit more special.

[NancysSummerSip]

Nov 10, 2014 8:15:57 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Nov 9, 2014 21:43:31 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Seriously?  I find that worrisome.

Me too. No wonder the mother is asking for advice. I would be too if I were a guest coming to dinner. To many ways to do the wrong thing.

I'm worried too, but from another angle. I don't think potatoes have anything to do with the issues here.

While in the car yesterday, heading to a local 5K race, I heard one of those early Sunday morning radio programs. This one was about alcoholism/drug dependency and intervention. I thought of this thread the second I heard the program. The show's guest was a recovering user (of both drugs and alcohol) who is now a professional interventionist, called in by a treatment center or a family to help guide someone towards treatment.

No, I'm not suggesting that Chloe bring in an interventionist on a platter, along with the Thanksgiving turkey. But she mentioned her mother's drinking issues, and how it causes issues at gatherings. I'm wondering how long the enabling has been going on. Chloe sounds like she's been trying to strike a balance between making sure her own home isn't a battleground over something as inconsequential as the timing of peeling potatoes or who cleans up "wrong" after dinner and making sure her other guests enjoy the gathering fully.

Chloe, it's time. You sound like someone who's trying to put out fires all the time. Your mother sounds like she's veering between out-of-control binge drinker (and I have no idea if she's an alcoholic; but if she's out of control and yelling at people when she drinks, something isn't right) and nice, straight-laced, buttoned-up motherly person who wants to do the right thing, no matter how painful it is. The fact that your husband is annoyed about the clean up and the potato peeling is a symptom, not a problem in itself.

Mom needs help. You need to not enable this to continue. You don't mean to "let" mom get out of control by keeping the booze from her by limiting what's on the table, but trust me, that won't work. She knows it's there, and she'll get it when you don't see her. I don't recall if you have kids, but if you do, they don't deserve to see this.

Keep mom busy and useful for Thanksgiving, and when that's over, call a local treatment center and ask if they have, or can recommend, an interventionist. 

[Green Eyed Lady]

Nov 10, 2014 8:15:57 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Nov 9, 2014 21:43:31 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Seriously?  I find that worrisome.

Me too. No wonder the mother is asking for advice. I would be too if I were a guest coming to dinner. To many ways to do the wrong thing.

Exactly what I was thinking. With all these "no no" things that might upset DH for weeks, I'd be asking questions, too. If DH is that big of a baby, I'd suggest he eat elsewhere and you try to include your mother in some portion of the meal.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 10, 2014 11:17:36 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Nov 10, 2014 8:15:57 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Me too. No wonder the mother is asking for advice. I would be too if I were a guest coming to dinner. To many ways to do the wrong thing.

I'm worried too, but from another angle. I don't think potatoes have anything to do with the issues here.

While in the car yesterday, heading to a local 5K race, I heard one of those early Sunday morning radio programs. This one was about alcoholism/drug dependency and intervention. I thought of this thread the second I heard the program. The show's guest was a recovering user (of both drugs and alcohol) who is now a professional interventionist, called in by a treatment center or a family to help guide someone towards treatment.

No, I'm not suggesting that Chloe bring in an interventionist on a platter, along with the Thanksgiving turkey. But she mentioned her mother's drinking issues, and how it causes issues at gatherings. I'm wondering how long the enabling has been going on. Chloe sounds like she's been trying to strike a balance between making sure her own home isn't a battleground over something as inconsequential as the timing of peeling potatoes or who cleans up "wrong" after dinner and making sure her other guests enjoy the gathering fully.

Chloe, it's time. You sound like someone who's trying to put out fires all the time. Your mother sounds like she's veering between out-of-control binge drinker (and I have no idea if she's an alcoholic; but if she's out of control and yelling at people when she drinks, something isn't right) and nice, straight-laced, buttoned-up motherly person who wants to do the right thing, no matter how painful it is. The fact that your husband is annoyed about the clean up and the potato peeling is a symptom, not a problem in itself.

Mom needs help. You need to not enable this to continue. You don't mean to "let" mom get out of control by keeping the booze from her by limiting what's on the table, but trust me, that won't work. She knows it's there, and she'll get it when you don't see her. I don't recall if you have kids, but if you do, they don't deserve to see this.

Keep mom busy and useful for Thanksgiving, and when that's over, call a local treatment center and ask if they have, or can recommend, an interventionist. 

I guess I think that a person who still is mad at someone for not peeling the potatoes fast enough might need their own intervention.

Mother is another story all together but that seems to be the only problem in this story - what to say to mother who asked a question about what to bring

[NancysSummerSip]

Nov 10, 2014 11:37:11 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Nov 10, 2014 11:17:36 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

I'm worried too, but from another angle. I don't think potatoes have anything to do with the issues here.

While in the car yesterday, heading to a local 5K race, I heard one of those early Sunday morning radio programs. This one was about alcoholism/drug dependency and intervention. I thought of this thread the second I heard the program. The show's guest was a recovering user (of both drugs and alcohol) who is now a professional interventionist, called in by a treatment center or a family to help guide someone towards treatment.

No, I'm not suggesting that Chloe bring in an interventionist on a platter, along with the Thanksgiving turkey. But she mentioned her mother's drinking issues, and how it causes issues at gatherings. I'm wondering how long the enabling has been going on. Chloe sounds like she's been trying to strike a balance between making sure her own home isn't a battleground over something as inconsequential as the timing of peeling potatoes or who cleans up "wrong" after dinner and making sure her other guests enjoy the gathering fully.

Chloe, it's time. You sound like someone who's trying to put out fires all the time. Your mother sounds like she's veering between out-of-control binge drinker (and I have no idea if she's an alcoholic; but if she's out of control and yelling at people when she drinks, something isn't right) and nice, straight-laced, buttoned-up motherly person who wants to do the right thing, no matter how painful it is. The fact that your husband is annoyed about the clean up and the potato peeling is a symptom, not a problem in itself.

Mom needs help. You need to not enable this to continue. You don't mean to "let" mom get out of control by keeping the booze from her by limiting what's on the table, but trust me, that won't work. She knows it's there, and she'll get it when you don't see her. I don't recall if you have kids, but if you do, they don't deserve to see this.

Keep mom busy and useful for Thanksgiving, and when that's over, call a local treatment center and ask if they have, or can recommend, an interventionist. 

I guess I think that a person who still is mad at someone for not peeling the potatoes fast enough might need their own intervention.

Mother is another story all together but that seems to be the only problem in this story - what to say to mother who asked a question about what to bring

You're considering the anger/annoyance issues, which could be true as well.
Without knowing more backstory as to why Chloe's DH gets annoyed at MIL's way of doing things, I can't say. If he gets annoyed/angry at anyone who does not do it exactly his way, then I'd say the issue's on him. If it's only his MIL, then I have to wonder if previous alcohol-based history between them is the cause.

And responding to Mom is the problem in this thread; it was the line about her yelling at people after she drinks that got my attention the most, though. It's that see-saw behavior, veering between out of control and wanting to be exactly, on-point correct and perfect that waved the red flag for me. No gathering of friends or family should be like watching a Wallenda walk a tightrope, if you know what I mean. This one sounds like it will be. And I don't see a perfect answer, because no matter what, Mom may not feel like she isn't doing it right, or doing enough.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

He wasn't annoyed at MIL for the potatoes. He was annoyed at Chloe's BIL. That means he is/was pissed with his own brother or the husband of his sister (Chloe didn't mention specifics).

"He's still mad at my BIL (not that he let's anyone besides me know that) for taking too long to peel potatoes for breakfast one day."

[NancysSummerSip]

Nov 10, 2014 11:52:35 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

He wasn't annoyed at MIL for the potatoes. He was annoyed at Chloe's BIL. That means he is/was pissed with his own brother or the husband of his sister (Chloe didn't mention specifics).

"He's still mad at my BIL (not that he let's anyone besides me know that) for taking too long to peel potatoes for breakfast one day."

Thanks. I had to go back and read. I get easily confused at these family things.

But since you're here and had experience, any thoughts on the MIL and the alcohol issue? Or am I seeing something (else) that's not there?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My MIL is not an alcoholic. She is a hypochondriac.  So unless Chloe's mom is paranoid she'll catch something from the Turkey I am of no help.  

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 10, 2014 13:23:06 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

My MIL is not an alcoholic. She is a hypochondriac.  So unless Chloe's mom is paranoid she'll catch something from the Turkey I am of no help.  

[Deleted]

You gush to your mom about how you love being the one to do this now and it's her job to be the grandma and visit with the grand daughters. Reassure her that you aren't expecting anything from her and won't be insulted at all. The tricky part is that you really have to not expect anything and not be insulted when she sits on her butt all day like the Queen of Sheba.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Let's step back from bashing my husband. He is not the topic of conversation, nor does he deserve the assumptions and contempt a few of you are throwing his direction. I was simply trying to explain that having my mother help clean or cook will cause other (very minor) challenges. My husband is a meticulous host, cook, and cleaner. It's our home, and people thoroughly enjoy it when he throws a dinner party. He gets to set guidelines about how things are run in our home. For what it's worth my BIL (my sister's husband ) spent 35 minutes peeling potatoes. It set back my husband's time table for cooking and serving. He hates to not serve people when they're hungry; he views it as being a disrespectful host.


Now, back to the topic at hand.
I like the chairs idea. In fact, I could ask my mother and aunt to bring some serving dishes and serving utensils. That would take care of giving them both a useful and equal contribution. The activities with the grandchildren could work if it's the place cards. They range from 4 months - 16 years.  I like the picture idea--except that I hate having my picture taken   It's not often all of her grandchildren are together, so that could be fun. I may still see if she can find the napkins. Those would give good and neutral topics of conversation.

DH and I still need to have a conversation about the alcohol while my mother is there. I'll update that portion hopefully tomorrow. .

I'm going to take lots of the suggestions here and write an email back to my mom about what serving pieces she could bring and how I just want her to enjoy the time with her grandchildren.

[milee]

Just a thought, but is it possible that asking her to bring dishes and utensils might result in some potential conflict? If you and DH think her house is unsanitary, you'll probably want to wash that stuff before you use it and there's a reasonable chance she'll get offended at this. Or if you don't wash it in order to avoid offending her, you'll be grossed out by the food on that plate. Maybe not an issue at all, just wanted to bring that up for you to consider before asking her to bring dishes and silverware. If it's going to be an issue, just bringing chairs, napkins and a game still would be a lot to ask.

Whatever you decide - good luck.

[Deleted]

Nov 10, 2014 21:11:43 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

DH and I still need to have a conversation about the alcohol while my mother is there. I'll update that portion hopefully tomorrow. .

Make a mixed juice drink with champagne and 7Up or gingerale. Lots of juice, little alcohol. It is hard to drink too much when it is cut so much with juices. Make the jugs of mixed drink ahead of time so not bottles laying around. For Thanksgiving a type of sangria is nice but heavy with grape juice to cover up that it is not so much alcohol.

[whoisjohngalt]

Unless your mother is super passive aggressive, that email sounds like she is trying to do the right thing.

Unless she is a complete fool, I think all those "bring the pie, bring the napkins" ideas sounds very patronizing. 

Why not just be honest.  Here is what I  would be replaying back.  "Thank you so much for your offer, we appreciated it, but John prefers to handle everything himself or we have everything covered.   We hope you can just relax and have a wonderful time"

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

mother is super passive aggressive

and actually, she's probably bi-polar. 

A lovely example is the day she and my dad were out of town. I called them to ask if they needed me to check on the dogs. My dad answered, and she started screaming at him/me through the phone. "I do not want that person in my house. She cannot go there."
My poor dad did not know what to do with that. I just told him that while I didn't understand, I would not go to their house. 

After that point, I started creating some pretty significant boundaries. 

[whoisjohngalt]

In that case, I would definitely stick with "thank you, but we are all set".  Short and sweet.

Bc if she is like that, no matter what you say, at the end of the day she will create her own reality in her head. 

[Deleted]

Nov 11, 2014 11:09:02 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

In that case, I would definitely stick with "thank you, but we are all set".  Short and sweet.

Bc if she is like that, no matter what you say, at the end of the day she will create her own reality in her head. 

This is very possibly true.  Ultimately I think you have to do what you know in your heart is the right thing in a very difficult situation with a lot of folks to consider and stick by it regardless of how it may be received or perceived by your mom.  You know that her food prep skills and kitchen sanitation don't make her a good fit for bringing food from home and you know that a passel of folks in the kitchen "helping" doesn't suit your and your DH's style of hosting.  Since I haven't read anything particularly negative about your mom's relationship with the grandchildren, her interaction with the kids could be a very good fit.  For the most point, kids don't have negative history or specific expectations for adults, and can be easier for a socially challenged person to fit in with.  Sort of like when I am feeling a bit of a misfit in a social situation, I gravitate toward the pets or the art in a home which is way safer than attempting to interact with the lady who just got the annual best dressed award and humanitarian of the year.