Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 8, 2014 18:44:04 GMT -5
I've mentioned that my mother and I don't get along well. She is coming to Thanksgiving at our house. There will be--including the four who actually live here--17 to 19 other people here. This is what she sent in a email to me: What would you like me to contribute for the meals? Do anything else to help. I'm not use to being the guest at big dinners, so I'm not sure what I should just do or ask. I know how it is when someone has everything planned out and someone brings something that isn't expected.
DH and I have guest lists of five to thirty-five people at least once every other month, so we're fully aware of how to host this many people. I don't want to alienate my mother. I also don't want her annoying me with her implications that I'm "doing it wrong". The reason she doesn't know what to do at someone else's house is that she is so socially awkward and anxious she doesn't have friends to invite her over. She's also kind of making that up--my grandmother, her mother, hosted large dinner parties for years, and she's been to our house for family gatherings a few times. . She's a hoarder and a horrid housekeeper. She refuses to clean anything. She chastise me for completely cleaning our kitchen after the meal(s). She lets food set out for literally a week before cleaning it up. Asking her to help clean up will not help the situation. My DH will just want to clean it all again. Anyway, how should I answer? I really have no issue with her just sitting around and relaxing. How do I tell her that respectfully? Or, should I give her a job? Something else?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 8, 2014 18:46:19 GMT -5
Have her bring wine. Then you can drink it.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 8, 2014 18:58:47 GMT -5
Is she wanting to cook something? Is there a dish she does well? If not - ask her to bring the cranberries If she is not an alchy, then - wine is good. She's not a good cook. As a child, I thought she was. I don't know if she wasn't and I just didn't know better or if her skills have simply deteriorated. She is an alcoholic. She doesn't know it though. Drinking by noon every day and being just tickled when she's discovered how to carry her beer bottle in her pants' pocket have not been a clear enough indicator for her yet. So, she could bring wine; I could try to drink more of it before she does. Hey, maybe a drinking game will be a bonding moment for us.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2014 19:00:13 GMT -5
Tell her to just bring herself.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 8, 2014 19:01:03 GMT -5
f she did clean up - and did it poorly - let DH do it after she leaves. who cares? DH would. He would be annoyed with her and with me for weeks. He's still mad at my BIL (not that he let's anyone besides me know that) for taking too long to peel potatoes for breakfast one day. That's the thing--on days like this DH is in charge of the kitchen. I run as an assistant and as a buffer. I think I need to tell her to just sit and enjoy her grand daughters. All five will be here. She should be decently occupied. I hadn't thought of that avenue until just now.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Nov 8, 2014 19:02:34 GMT -5
let DH do it after she leaves. who cares?
It will give your mom something to do and hopefully out of trouble. Make her feel useful.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2014 19:03:13 GMT -5
Ask for a special dish from your childhood she can make for holiday. Tell her you want her to relax and enjoy so no tasks to do. Maybe she is uncomfortable with large group she does not know. Can you share some of the interests of guests so maybe she feel like she can talk about some topics.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2014 19:05:01 GMT -5
Now I see more posts I did not see before. Think of small, not messy, craft she can bring for granddaughters. Can she teach them crochet or this kind of stuff?
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Nov 8, 2014 19:15:25 GMT -5
Ask her to pick up a pumpkin pie from a local bakery, or even the supermarket.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 8, 2014 19:24:43 GMT -5
Why not just let her come relax and enjoy the day? I'm not seeing any ulterior motive in her message. All joking aside, if I knew one of my guests had a drinking problem I would make sure no alcohol was available at all. I don't necessarily see an ulterior motive; I just want to respond to her without belittling her offer yet still maintain appropriate boundaries. I'm too close to the situation to be able to do that and need help with what to say. I think telling her to just enjoy the day with her grandchildren and not worry about anything else is probably the way to go. We did ban all alcohol from our house for a few years. She was ticked and told me I was being a snob. I'm not sure if we will have alcohol this time. We honestly don't have any wine glasses. I don't have a problem with people who drink, but I don't want out-of-control drunks in my home. I don't allow smoking anywhere on my property either. If that makes me a snob, so be it. There are a dozen other adults, though. Why should they be deprived a glass of wine simply because my mother drinks on a daily basis and at gatherings gets drunk and yells at people? Everyone else knows how to behave themselves. It's a difficult situation.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 8, 2014 19:25:46 GMT -5
Ask her to pick up a pumpkin pie from a local bakery, or even the supermarket. That might work if she insists on bringing something. I do like pie. Lots of pie.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 8, 2014 19:26:57 GMT -5
I was reading a "what to bring for Thanksgiving Thread" earlier and someone said their sister brings holiday themed cocktail napkins with jokes on them. It then went on to say they proceeded to go through them as they were having cocktails and read all the jokes.
That would take away the need for her to cook a dish or you trying to figure out what to do with it, and if you proceeded to use the napkins even if just to laugh at the lame jokes she would feel like she contributed something to the event.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Nov 8, 2014 20:03:48 GMT -5
If your other guests are NOT bringing stuff and if the 'cleanup' is typically done by you and your hubby - I think you should tell your mom she doesn't need to bring anything - it's all been taken care of and keep repeating it indefinitely. If your other guests are bringing stuff (and they've consulted with you on what to bring) you do need to give your mom something to bring. It sucks to be the socially awkward person who didn't realize that "no, you don't need to bring anything" really meant "please keep asking me what to bring until I tell you what I need - this back an forth is part of the fun and is required. Showing up empty handed sucks as does opposite - having a panic attack and buying something totally stupid at the last minute. I like the idea of 'assigning' a store bought baked good to your mom. Or maybe a fresh flower bouquet? There's plenty of those at the stores...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2014 20:13:01 GMT -5
I am sure there is a back story or something for you to talk bad about her but just from her email she sounds thoughtful. Just looking at this email, i'd say you 're creating an issue that is not there.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 8, 2014 20:24:24 GMT -5
Your mother's email sounds, to me, like someone who desperately wants to do the right thing but doesn't know what the right thing is anymore. She sounds very insecure. I think, under those circumstances I might ask her to bring some flowers for the table, or a bakery item (like a pie, as was suggested) and herself, complete with smiles and love to shower on the grandkids. I'd say it just that way. Let her know she is really all that's needed. Sounds like she really needs to know that. Alcoholics are difficult to deal with and it's darned hard to have one as a close relative. You don't want to hurt them, but you also don't want to be hurt by them anymore. It's a Catch 22 in so many ways. I'm really sorry, hon. I know this probably is contributing tension to what should be a happy holiday.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 8, 2014 20:31:07 GMT -5
Why not ask her to be the associate host? Task her with making sure the guests have everything they need before, during and after dinner. Give her something to do to keep her busy.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Nov 8, 2014 20:39:33 GMT -5
Give her some small task that she cannot mess up. Or ask her to bring something from the bakery. Above all, make her feel welcome.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 8, 2014 20:53:40 GMT -5
I am sure there is a back story or something for you to talk bad about her but just from her email she sounds thoughtful. Just looking at this email, i'd say you 're creating an issue that is not there. Many years of strife, culminating with her choosing my ex-husband over me when we separated in 2006. She even told me she was going to invite XH to my father's funeral while she, my sister, and I were standing in my father's hospital room while he died. That was in Feb 2012.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 8, 2014 20:57:38 GMT -5
If your other guests are NOT bringing stuff and if the 'cleanup' is typically done by you and your hubby - I think you should tell your mom she doesn't need to bring anything - it's all been taken care of and keep repeating it indefinitely. If your other guests are bringing stuff (and they've consulted with you on what to bring) you do need to give your mom something to bring. It sucks to be the socially awkward person who didn't realize that "no, you don't need to bring anything" really meant "please keep asking me what to bring until I tell you what I need - this back an forth is part of the fun and is required. Showing up empty handed sucks as does opposite - having a panic attack and buying something totally stupid at the last minute. I like the idea of 'assigning' a store bought baked good to your mom. Or maybe a fresh flower bouquet? There's plenty of those at the stores... Very good point about making sure "bringing food/something" is consistent for everyone to avoid embarrassment. I need DH to decide if we're going to ask anyone to bring anything that would specifically pertain to dinner. I don't think he will decide in favor of that. He really does like to prepare and serve the whole meal. I think we talked about asking people to bring drinks, but maybe I just thought that and haven't brought it up yet. I like the funny napkin idea also. I could ask her to shop for those where she lives as she has far more store options than I do.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 8, 2014 21:22:50 GMT -5
If your other guests are NOT bringing stuff and if the 'cleanup' is typically done by you and your hubby - I think you should tell your mom she doesn't need to bring anything - it's all been taken care of and keep repeating it indefinitely. If your other guests are bringing stuff (and they've consulted with you on what to bring) you do need to give your mom something to bring. It sucks to be the socially awkward person who didn't realize that "no, you don't need to bring anything" really meant "please keep asking me what to bring until I tell you what I need - this back an forth is part of the fun and is required. Showing up empty handed sucks as does opposite - having a panic attack and buying something totally stupid at the last minute. I like the idea of 'assigning' a store bought baked good to your mom. Or maybe a fresh flower bouquet? There's plenty of those at the stores... Very good point about making sure "bringing food/something" is consistent for everyone to avoid embarrassment. I need DH to decide if we're going to ask anyone to bring anything that would specifically pertain to dinner. I don't think he will decide in favor of that. He really does like to prepare and serve the whole meal. I think we talked about asking people to bring drinks, but maybe I just thought that and haven't brought it up yet. I like the funny napkin idea also. I could ask her to shop for those where she lives as she has far more store options than I do. I get that your husband would prefer to do it all, my husband feels the same way, but several of our relatives insist on bringing something. My one SIL brought two trays of Choc covered strawberries to one party and someone put the 2nd tray in our basement refrig. I felt horrible when I found it the next day and realized it was never served. Fresh Strawberries go over well with both sides of our families. You could tell her to bring two packages as is from the store, and wash and pull the stems off in your kitchen then throw them in a bowl. I only slice them if they are really large.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 8, 2014 21:28:26 GMT -5
I would suggest she bring some flowers. Maybe because I kind of remember Chloe's story but I read her mom's email as wanting to do the right thing by asking to bring something but the rest of that email kind of sounds like she's hoping Chloe has it all covered. If she suffers anxiety then cooking for a bunch of people would put her over the top if she's also insecure. She may feel anxiety over worrying how it turns out or if anybody will eat it, etc. So I'll stick with the flowers suggestion. You can put them in the foyer or a table where the drinks are being served or a buffet or even the dining table if they gorgeous and really work there without being in the way. Happy Thanksgiving.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Nov 8, 2014 21:50:10 GMT -5
Just another thought... sometimes there isn't a right answer (for you and your mother's situation/history) to the question your mom asked. I still flinch a little bit inside when I think about having to answer this question if it was asked by my mother (and she's been dead for 20 years). Sometimes you just have to pick your battles and/or not have really high expectations or just not accept the 'burning coal' as a gift. The burning coal is about anger - but there are lots of other negative emotions that people 'throw at' other people... (which you have the choice on how to react to it). meetandgrow.com/blogs/buddhism/archive/2008/06/20/buddha-how-not-to-accept-others-anger.aspx
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 8, 2014 22:07:13 GMT -5
"Come and relax and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about all the rest of the stuff - I've got it under control."
Another thing you could ask her to bring is a box of chocolates. You can say "Everyone just likes one little bite of chocolate to top off their meal."
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Nov 8, 2014 22:12:49 GMT -5
Seems to me, your mom is reaching out to you - possibly feeling some regrets for past indiscretions that brought you two to not get along like most moms & daughters.
Tell her that her presence there is the best thing she can bring, but if she really wants to contribute, to bring a couple of dozen dinner rolls, or enough that you think you might need for the number of guests you're going to have. (easy-peasy for both of you).
Also, if she's an alcoholic, I'd do my best to not leave bottles of liquor or wine just sitting around in plain sight. Offer to make drinks for her, and just have a bottle or two of wine on the table during dinner to make controlling of her intake easier.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2014 22:56:08 GMT -5
I saw a great game today, the napkins remind me. Called Table Topics. It is cube of cards with questions. Like this link
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2014 5:19:25 GMT -5
It sounds like part of the issue is the hygiene involved of whatever she might prepare at home, but I might be wrong about that.
I think asking for something store-bought is a great idea, and you've had a bunch of good ideas: napkins, a pie, flowers, fruit, chocolate ... maybe nuts? That way she won't feel left out and with so many people, whatever she brings is bound to get eaten / used.
ETA: Do your kids (her grandkids) have a favorite pie? Maybe you could ask her to bring that (and your DH could skip buying or make it this year, if he usually does).
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Happy prose
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Post by Happy prose on Nov 9, 2014 6:52:55 GMT -5
Tell her flavored coffee creamers, because you and your husband always forget. Btw...my MIL pulled that funeral stunt too, but did it on the sly. She's dead, and I'm happy.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 9, 2014 10:23:09 GMT -5
Another idea: do you have enough chairs for everyone? Can you ask her to bring some folding chairs? That is a crucial piece of the planning and will make her feel included and important.
Or, ask her to pick up a nice basket to put the dinner rolls in.
Do you have some old family pictures you could pull out and she could go through them with the grandkids and identify the folks in them and tell family stories? Family history too often dies with older relative, try and capture it while you can. Maybe ask someone to video her doing it so you have it saved forever?
Or, can she make some place cards for the table? In fact, THAT would be the perfect activity for her to do with the grandkids -- they can spend time before dinner making hand-made, decorated (simply) place cards.
Otherwise, try to let as much of it go as possible. I know that is not easy. I have been in similar (but different) shoes. But, it IS your holiday, too, and you need to find a way to enjoy it. You are also setting an example for you kids and the other grandkids, as hard as that is to do. My only advice -- and you know this already from your father -- is that once an older relative is gone, they are GONE. So, as much as it is a HUGE challenge to deal with her in the present, and I don't doubt that, try and find some small way to connect with her while she's still here.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 9, 2014 19:20:27 GMT -5
Tell her to bring a big green bean casserole. Some folks will like it, and she'll feel happy and included.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Nov 9, 2014 21:43:31 GMT -5
DH would. He would be annoyed with her and with me for weeks. He's still mad at my BIL (not that he let's anyone besides me know that) for taking too long to peel potatoes for breakfast one day. Seriously? I find that worrisome.
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