The Grief of Others- how we handle mourning in public

[shanendoah]

This is something I am currently finding fascinating on FaceBook, and something I may (eventually) post about there, but I think right now people might think I was trying to reprimand them, and I'm not, I just really am that fascinated with the phenomenon.

This has been a hard week for friends and family, with a lot of loss.

C posted about the unexpected death of his cousin. 5 comments
C's other cousin posted about the unexpected death of her brother. 25 comments
Friend A posted about the sudden death of one of her friends. 10 comments
Friend V posted about the early term loss of her pregnancy. 35 comments 
Friend M posted about the death of his cat. 90+ comments

I am not talking about people's reasons for posting about their losses. And I do not think this is a popularity contest. 
I think this is representative about how we as a community react to mourning and loss, of how we connect to the grief.

With the loss of a pet, many of us know how that feels. We understand it. We also see the other side of it. I am not diminishing this sense of loss. I still very much miss "my two boys", the dogs we had before our current two. But as a society, we are more comfortable expressing grief and support around this very common experience- just about anyone who has ever had a pet has lost a pet.

However, when it comes to human loss, we have a harder time finding the words. C & M have probably a 66% overlap in their friends list. My father and I commented on both posts. M commented on C's post. Of the 90 people who posted about M's loss, at least 20 of them are also on C's friends list (the rest appear to be M's family/his wife's family). None of them posted.

In some cases it's because we haven't experienced that kind of loss ourselves, we don't know how to react. We know how to react to the loss of an 18 year old cat, whose kidneys had been failing for over a year. We don't know how to respond to the death of a 43 year old man, who just days before had pretended not to recognize the Seahawks emblem on C's pumpkin (which was carved in response to his own Broncos emblem pumpkin). We haven't experienced  that loss.

If we have experience the sudden and unexpected loss of a loved one, seeing it happen to a friend brings back our own very deep pain, something we have a hard time discussing and bringing into public light. 

Those are my theories anyway. 

[Opti]

I'm not on Facebook, so I can't comment on that.

I do however, work at a sub-acute facility, so there are deaths

monthly sometimes weekly. So I have seen all sorts of grief

and yes, the more unusual the circumstance often the harder it is

to know what to say.

But is often better to offer up something as simple as my condolences

than nothing. Nothing makes the griever feel even more isolated as people

forget that perhaps reaching out is more important than what they say.

JMO.

[muttleynfelix]

C's other cousin posted about the unexpected death of her brother. 25 comments

I think you may just have an odd friend grouping.  I have 174 "friends" on facebook. I had over 30 comments about BIL's death.  I did not engage in conversation about it either. Just said he passed unexpectedly. SIL had over 90 comments about her brother's unexpected death.  

[Lizard Queen]

I'm still kind of new to FB, and probably a little old-fashioned, but it seems like if you're close to someone, you'd want to connect more personally with your condolences than just a comment on FB.  I would hope so, anyway.

[Opti]

Rereading the OP, perhaps FB comments are considered more acceptable

and easier when it is a pet. Its probably rare to get a condolence card

for a pet. Hopefully that happens with most posted deaths of people.

[milee]

Very true comments about people being unsure about whether FB is an appropriate venue. Twitter, FB, text and even email still has a very informal feeling about it and some people worry that discussions about certain things aren't really suited to that type of communication tool.

I sometimes receive emails about the death of someone and I see that sometimes people respond their condolences via email, but I've also heard people talking about how tacky and rude that is because it's so flip like a throwaway. I don't spend much time on FB, but from what I've seen, it wouldn't be somewhere I'd post a condolence. I'd call the person or pull out the old fashioned cards and hand write a note.

[violagirl]

I think this makes sense. You are going to offer condolences in person or on the phone when a person dies. When someone's pet dies, it is sad, but I think a Facebook condolence is appropriate.  

[Artemis Windsong]

I send a condolence card for pets.  Sometimes that hurt is worse because of the unconditional love and the short life span of animals.

If someone expresses to me the loss of a loved one, I will send a card. 

I was never clear on when to attend funerals for friends and acquaintances.  I was unsure and asked a friend.  Her criteria was if they had called her in the last month.  When she passed, her "close" friends did not attend.  They were an every Monday bridge group.

Now I am a little more comfortable with when to go.

Relatives, yes, unless it's an invite only funeral or too costly. 

I don't go to the internment of friends.  That is family time.

Friends if they are in the same club I am in.  A relative of a friend only if I have known them many years.

Three employees of a fitness center I went to passed on over the years.  I went to just one.  DH asked me to go with.  DH and his friends attended the others and the wife of one of his f.c. friends.

When a friend prompts me to go to the service even if I am not that close.  A tennis friend's grandmother is an example.

I was in a group that actively discriminate against people.  They ask only their buddies to show up and sit together.  Uninvited, I have gone and ended up sitting with them.  I have distanced myself from this group.

Other times I have not gone because I had a bad feeling about who would be attending.

As far as my family was concerned, my brothers went only to close drinking buddies funerals.  My parents went to the majority of their friends and many times participated in the service.

   

[Artemis Windsong]

My GrS kitty passed on recently.  His StpD did not even acknowledge it with a text.  StpD likes to dish out hurts in a lot of passive-aggressive ways.  GrS had acknowledged the passing of StpD dog.

[Opti]

Awesome, I love that you send condolence cards for pets.

Not many people do something so thoughtful.

I went to a rash of services for people I knew in my church.

Most of the times I was joining a group who went in support of

our mutual friend. I've missed some of them and others from a different

group. Not always convenient to show up unfortunately.

[muttleynfelix]

I will say on a sudden unexpected death of someone in their middle ages - there are lots of questions and some people want to ask and it isn't something that NEEDS to be on Facebook (yes I'm looking at you SIL).  I responded to questions in private - probably because I couldn't keep my anger about the situation out of my responses and I didn't want it out there for his daughter. I think unexpected deaths can be difficult because everyone is just like WTF just happened and it may not need to be something that everyone needs to know (or your version of events of what happened). 

[HoneyBBQ]

Most people have lost a pet. Not that many people have lost a baby. So I agree.

[simser]

I find a lot of comments on Facebook are in response to other comments. So if the poster responds back, there are more comments. And a death of a pet will have them responding more than the death of someone close to them.

[teen persuasion]

This is such a topic for me right now.  My boss unexpectedly died two days ago. She was the public library director.  We were struggling with our own shock at the speed, and our own grief, and scrambling to figure out what needs to be done, who needs to be informed, how to let the public know while respecting the family's grief.  Initially we had few details, so I opted to wait a bit before trying to get the word out to the public.


 I debated whether to put the notice on Facebook, but that seemed the best way to reach patrons.  DH didn't think it was entirely appropriate, but the outpouring of sentiment was amazing.  I'm not sure how many people really pay attention to our FB page, but word definitely got around our small community.

[shanendoah]

simser - for the friend who lost a cat, every single post is a unique message of love and support from a unique user. He has not responded back, and people haven't (for once) gotten in conversations with each other. (I know this because I looked at it to gauge the overlap of people posting msgs to him and C's friends list.)

muttleynfelix - true, though the post from the sister of the cousin who passed away did say what happened (massive heart attack on Tuesday, family removed life support on Wednesday). The cousin who passed had been really heavy previously, but had recently lost a considerable amount of weight (at least judging by the most recent pictures).
I have not posted about the death, and maybe people would feel more comfortable responding to something if I did, as I am much more removed from the grief than either C or his cousin. Neither of the deceased's parents have posted about it. His mother did share the post from his sister stating when/where the service would be, but that's the only thing she's done on FB that would let you know her son passed. I've seen nothing from the father, or the other sister. (Though the other sister is developmentally delayed, so that's not truly surprising.)
But, rambling. My point is that maybe people were more willing to comment on your post because it was your b-IL, and therefore you seemed somewhat more removed, less of a concern that they say the exact right thing. I don't know.
It could also just be our group of friends. Or that it is a popularity contest and M is more popular than C. But I don't think that's quite the case. (M is totally more popular than C overall, but our friends group doesn't tend to operate that way.)

teen persuasion - to post or not to post is a hard decision. When C's old friend/spiritual guide passed earlier this year, his partner simply announced over FB- did not call anyone directly, except the deceased's mother in Puerto Rico. In this case, I learned via cousin posting on FB about the passing of her brother. I sent a private message, and she was actually really mad at herself for not remembering to call C before posting on FB. They were all very close as kids. But, as she said in her post, she didn't know everyone he worked with, have ways to contact all of his friends, so she wanted something up so that others could share it, and whoever wanted to come to the service would know about it.

[muttleynfelix]

Shannen - Yeah, but the DH's sister had over 90 comments over her brother's death. She was also VERY open about it.  Mine was a much more basic announcement.  Of course different situations - I was having to chase after 2 little kids and just sort of single parent for a week while DH took care of everything with the family and SIL was across the country and "unable" to get out here for several days.  So, Facebook was an outlet for her, while I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  I also knew I could not be appropriate with the details on facebook. So I didn't post anything.  

[shanendoah]

muttleynfelix - I think it may also have to do with the way posts are written and the personality of the poster. I think you've said before, your SIL is a bit of a drama queen, so her posts could very likely have been written to get attention and comments.
C's post was very much a "love letter" to his cousin, meant more for the family than anything else. M's post was an announcement that his cat had died. (And again, totally not dinging the beloved pet of 18 years angle. I am always devastated when we lose a pet, even one that's only been with us 16 months.) But while they were both public FB posts, the tone and perceived audience of each was very different.

In that sense, this could be a study of how other people respond to our different ways of mourning- that M's post came off much more approachable than C's.

[muttleynfelix]

I'm sure that is part of it.  Yeah, SIL wanted attention.  Mine was "please pray for our family because x happened".  I do think tone is important.  There are lots of times I want to say something on facebook, but I don't want a fight or a huge response, so I don't say anything. 

[Peace Of Mind]

If I had FB I would tell them I am very sorry for their loss but I'd only cry for their pet if I didn't know the person that died.       I can't help it. I really, really love animals. But I wouldn't ignore their post completely nor would I hit "like" on something like that when posted. I would give my condolences or like somebody's comment who said something really nice and eloquent.

I've had a few friends who've lost loved ones recently.  I always send sympathy cards and if I know the funeral location I always send flowers to close friends and relatives.  A local friend recently lost her mom so I bought a plant for her garden that reminded her of her mom along with a card.   I told her what I wanted to do so she told me what she would like and I bought it for her.  She was so touched she cried and told me that out of all of her friends only a few sent cards and nobody sent flowers or a plant.  Her mom's family and friends did at the funeral but not her personal friends.  I found that strange but I have noticed people don't do the normal things that were done before the internet became so prevalent in people's lives.  

 

[shanendoah]

Oct 31, 2014 15:54:14 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

 There are lots of times I want to say something on facebook, but I don't want a fight or a huge response, so I don't say anything. 

That's one of the reasons I've posted this here. I am overall fascinated by it. Many of our friends, I could have an RL talk about this and it would be cool. But I'm afraid that if I posted it on FB, mutual friends who commented on M's loss and not C's might think I am trying to guilt or shame them. I'm not. I just think this is interesting. I should totally go back and see how many comments we got when we posted about loosing the Howie monster or Smokey angel.


Peace Of Mind - I don't expect any of our friends to cry for C's cousin. None of them have ever met him. C and I have been together for almost 15 years, and I only met him a few times. And I should note I am one of the people that commented on M's post.

[cronewitch]

My Facebook friends are mostly people I don't know at all just added them to play games. When mom died I posted when she was sick and might have posted when she died but she had been sick 20 days and the entire family was at the house. I might have gotten some post from strangers or friends I don't see much but it wasn't important. If a Facebook friend I don't know says their wife died or something I might post sorry for your loss. If they ask for prayers I don't post anything since I don't pray.

[TheOtherMe]

I don't pray either so I tell them I am sending hugs.

DS and I both posted on FB about mom's illness and death.  She passed away in May.  For some reason, I felt the need to read the comments earlier this week.  There were over 90.  I am old enough that most of my friends have lost their parents and that was their message, along with how lucky I was to have my mom to this age.

I have a friend now who lost her cat a couple of weeks ago.  She is really taking it hard.  I understand.  Losing my first cat did that to me so I am trying to support her.  She lives alone and has no problem putting all of her feelings on FB.  I am not that open with my feelings there.

[tloonya]

I am not on FB however I think that with loss of a relative or another human being people do not often go on and post.
They are grieving 'family style'. Talking, being sad etc.
When its an animal - people can go talk about it with others because it is different.