Nightmares and bad dreams.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Keira told me last night that she wanted me to sleep with her because she was having really bad, scary dreams.  So I stayed with her until she fell asleep.  And then left.  She did sleep the whole night.  But she was really upset and crying at bedtime.  And she didn't want to talk about the dream.    I can't fix it if I don't know about it.

What I did manage to get out of her was the following:
1. Someone hurts her in the dream.
2. It's not anyone in our household.

So, how do we help our daughter get over being scared of something she won't talk about?  I'm afraid to ask too much because I don't want to make it worse by suggesting something scarier to her.  But I want to help her. 

[Sam_2.0]

I used to have night terrors and horrible nightmares as a kid. I think part of it was overactive imagination. I still can't even see previews for scary movies on TV or I wont sleep. Is she seeing scary stuff with Halloween coming up? It used to be the worst time of year maybe read funny stories before bed, leave a nightlight on, find some soothing music to play while she sleeps?

[Wisconsin Beth]

Well, she saw parts of Ghost Hunters on tv on Wed. night but didn't seem upset by it.  We keep a bedside lamp with a 25W bulb on at night and she doesn't like to sleep without her sound machine on (it's rain or a waterfall or something usually.) 

She IS scared by the Curious George Halloween episode but once it's over she's usually ok.  She just snuggles up when it's on. 

I had a bad dream as a kid that haunted me too.  Couldn't sleep in a room with a tv in it for YEARS. 

[Tennesseer]

Around the age of five or six I was hit by a car while crossing the street. I froze in the middle of the street while crossing it. Not too seriously injured. But I had the same nightmare for a few years.

The dream was always the same: no matter what room in the house I looked out, whether the window looked out toward the north, south, east or west, a full moon would always menacingly smile at me. Then a witch would pick me up and fly me through the air and drop me in the middle of a road where a firetruck would race down the road and hit me.

The dreams eventually stopped but they were scary.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Tenn, was there anything your parents could do to help you cope with the dream? 

[Tennesseer]

Oct 31, 2014 9:12:39 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Tenn, was there anything your parents could do to help you cope with the dream? 

Not that I can recall. The accident was 57-58 years ago and I don't remember today what actually happened-only what my parents told me and from them, it was secondary information as they did not see it happen though it occured in front of my home. I may have just 'suffered' in silence. I knew I was okay after I woke up. Maybe I was old enough to separate fact from fantasy as I awoke from the dream.

[shanendoah]

Pop Tart has bad dreams. Ghost Hunters, previews for scary movies, whatever, will totally trigger them. What's worse, is we don't know when she's seen these things. We have one friend of her's where she has the rule she's not allowed to watch ANY tv with them, because she's come home too many time and had bad dreams. Because of course, when we ask her what she did at the friend's house, she doesn't bother to mention that they watched something scary.

What has worked best in helping her right now is something that came from her therapist. (I LOVE her therapist.) Pop Tart knows that what she's afraid of isn't real (a doll coming to life and hurting her - stupid Annabelle commercials), but that doesn't mean the FEAR isn't real. So, in order to lessen the fear, she has a written plan of strategies that hangs near her bed. (These were aided by the fact that we had just recently watched an episode of Last Airbender where Ang had bad dreams.)
1) Imagine doll just in it's underwear
2) Imagine having a conversation with the doll- what does it really want
3) Make friends with the doll

There are more like that, but that's what I remember off the top of my head. The goal is to redirect her thinking and return her to control.

The other key is for C and I to recognize that the fear is real, even if the situation is ridiculous. Talking about how that could never really happen doesn't actually help her. So we talk about strategies for turning it around.

I would also guess that K knows she can come to you in the middle of the night when she wakes from the bad dream, but maybe that's something to remind her of. Tell her if she has a bad dream, she can come to you right then, no waiting until morning.

When I was little little, my scary dreams were bad enough that I would cry and scream in my sleep, and my parents would come wake me up. When I got older and would wake myself up (no screaming down the house), I would go sit in the bathroom with the light on for 15 minutes (or more) while I calmed down. This is also how I started telling myself stories. I would think of a happy, fun, very far from the dream story and start telling it to myself, consciously redirecting my thinking as I went back to bed.
On nights when I have a hard time falling asleep, I still tell myself stories.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Thanks Shane.  But how do you redirect when she won't tell us what she's scared of?  I don't know if she's scared of ghosts or dolls or what.  I know she's got an issue with her closet and wanting the sliding door shut a particular way.  But other than that, she's not giving out much.  And she's asked for "what to dream about" and says whatever I suggest isn't going to work. 

[The Captain]

We have cats.  Monsters/Ghosts/anything BAD!!!  are VERY VERY afraid of cats and will not come into a house that has a cat.  The fact that we always has more than one gives us extra protection.

Hey don't judge...it worked!

(We just had to lavish extra attention on the poor cats who would get dragged into bed by DD when she going through one of her spells)

[raeoflyte]

Nov 3, 2014 14:07:31 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Thanks Shane.  But how do you redirect when she won't tell us what she's scared of?  I don't know if she's scared of ghosts or dolls or what.  I know she's got an issue with her closet and wanting the sliding door shut a particular way.  But other than that, she's not giving out much.  And she's asked for "what to dream about" and says whatever I suggest isn't going to work. 

Can you play a game with her using her stuffed animals about helping one of her stuffies get to sleep/not have nightmares?  

Can't remember if you've said but can you ask her if there is something she wants you to do to help her feel safe?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

What worked for me and still does today when I have bad dreams is I force myself to think about something happy.

Out of habit it's our family vacations to Colorado I think about. I picture the mountains, the cabin, the creek and so on until I fall back asleep. It makes my brain work to focus on something other than what I just dreamt about.

If I don't do that I'll lie awake obessesing and then when I crash I'll have another nightmare.

I can't watch "slasher porn" like Hostel or Saw. I can't get the images out of my head so that's what I end up dreaming about. I banned DH from watching those types of movies when I am present. 

[Artemis Windsong]

Get a spray bottle and put water in it.  Put on the label Scare eliminator or something she will understand. 

Give it to her and let her spray the scary thing away.

I saw this on one of the talk shows.

[Angel!]

Nov 3, 2014 17:38:14 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

Get a spray bottle and put water in it.  Put on the label Scare eliminator or something she will understand. 

Give it to her and let her spray the scary thing away.

I saw this on one of the talk shows.

My BFF works with kids in hospitals & she does this all the time.  Last time my kids were over she made them dinosaur spray.   

[Artemis Windsong]

I know it works.

[thyme4change]

Maybe try guided meditation, where you implant happy thoughts at bedtime.  Do the same thing every night until she has it memorized and then have her lead it, and then hopefully you can back away.  

I suspect she isn't telling you what is scary about the dream because she doesn't really have a clear picture of what is happening in the dream.  She is just waking up with a feeling - a scary feeling.  Dreams aren't necessarily literal, and sometimes you can't pinpoint what it was about.  Young children can't psychoanalyze themselves and their dreams.  So, all she knows is she woke up scared.  It is likely the feelings just come from the overwhelming sensation of growing up.  She is expected to do things, go places, handle stuff - it is a lot to take in.  Her stress is coming out in nightmares.  I would work more on her daytime confidence than beating the imagery of her dreams out of her.  Is she having any issues with a friend, or at school, or gathering stress from somewhere?  Are you tense and rushed around her - maybe that gets her riled up?  (Oh wait - that is me with my kids.   )  


By the way, last night I had a dream that I was pushing my broken vacuum up the major road near our neighborhood which in my dream was uphill (but isn't in real life) because I had to get to Sport's Authority (which is in the opposite direction.)  When I figured out this was stupid (in my dream) I turned around to go back to the car, and the road was all dirt and flat.  And the Rose Parade was going down the street.     I would never be able to explain that to my mother as a child.  I would have thought that she would think I was stupid for having that dream.  Maybe you can tell her some of your dreams (or make some up) that are totally ridiculous, so she understands that dreams make no sense.  Maybe that would help her tell you that in her dream, she was holding a frog and the refrigerator was open, and her Dad was there, but then it wasn't him, sort of, and then the frog, which has now turned into a parrot pushed her to the floor and she hurt her nose.  And she woke up scared as shit.  

[shanendoah]

What is the light in room like at night? If she has to have the closet door closed a certain way, there may be something in the shadows when it's closed the wrong way. Pop Tart has to have one side of her closet shut (but not the other), and it has to be completely shut, not one inch from the wall. That's the side where we store things that aren't her clothes, like dolls and stuffed animals. She is mostly scared of dolls (and yet will spend her money on new dolls for herself), and doesn't want to "see" them at night.

Creating a happy place was one of the first things we did. That doesn't require you to know her fears, instead you concentrate on what makes her happy. Pop Tart (in a fit of laziness) decided her happy place was Candyland. We let her go with it, but she would have to talk about what she/we were doing there, so we ended up with great descriptions of marshmallow beds and catching swedish fish in the lemonade river. We did this every night before bedtime for a full three months before she was really able to internalize it and use it as a calming/coping method.

At the same time, it could be something along the lines of what thyme4change was talking about.
For example, yesterday, Pop Tart and her friend begged to watch some of the Goosebumps tv show. They loved it, but one of the episodes was about a doll who stole a girl's soul (or so I understand, I wasn't home). Last night at bedtime, Pop Tart fell back on her "I'm scared, I can't go to sleep unless someone lies in bed with me for the next 4 hours" routine. We tried to direct her to the coping skills she and her therapist had come up with, but she "didn't remember" them, I reminded her, but they were "too hard" or she "didn't know how" to use them. (I admit I got annoyed and told her that there might as well no longer be therapy then, if she was going to refuse to use what the therapist was teaching her, and also that there could just be no more TV, ever, because apparently even shows aimed at kids her age scared her.)
But the truth was, she wasn't actually scared last night. She was falling back on that because she knew it got her attention. Once I finally redirected the conversation to the fact that she was, in fact, just looking for attention, and then reminded her that she is permanent in our family (adoption day anniversary is this month), that she is loved and nothing will change that, and that I am looking at planning a special her and I day (like Mini Wheat and I had at the football game yesterday), she completely forgot about any fears and went to bed happily.

So, if you think there is anything else that might be bothering her, maybe try to address that.

[Deleted]

Make a dream catcher with them to hang over their bed. The bad dreams get stuck in them. Only good dreams can come through. If they are too young to make the lacing, let them do the decorative bead and feather hanging part while you lace the hoop. There are on line instructions for them.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 3, 2014 22:45:16 GMT -5 @taliare said:

Make a dream catcher with them to hang over their bed. The bad dreams get stuck in them. Only good dreams can come through. If they are too young to make the lacing, let them do the decorative bead and feather hanging part while you lace the hoop. There are on line instructions for them.

God, one of my nieces was so excited to have a dream catcher in her room after she learned about them.  And she was pissed as all hell when it didn't work and she had a bad dream.  I think she was around 8-10 on that. 

We tried a spray bottle but it was actually a body scent spray and DH and I thought it stank to high heaven.  We'll try that again. 

And there's some awesome answers on here.  Thank you all so much. 

[Deleted]

I know she's got an issue with her closet and wanting the sliding door shut a particular way.

Beth I definitely think you need to explore this further. I'm guessing that whatever she is scared of is in or related to that closet. Can you both purge it together? Maybe it would work better to do it in the morning or afternoon, when bedtime is still far off.

Has your DH tried to talking to her? Or your sister, or your mom?

I remember when I was very little, I had recurrent nightmares about my dad (who was a great parent, unlike my mom) dying. I still remember vividly, I just could not bear to tell him about that nightmare. This was in the 1960s, when Dads were generally NOT the "hands on" parent. 

Other thought: some kids really enjoy scary stuff, horror films, etc. (I know she's much too young to watch a horror film! I'm talking in general.) Some kids (ie me) got / get REALLY FREAKED OUT ABOUT THEM. So, you may have to make a very conscious effort for her to avoid that sort of thing, especially if she has older cousins she gets together with regularly. 

I am a TOTAL WUSS about that sort of thing, even at 54 LOL. But, I have learned to accept it, and avoid those triggers. 

The other night, DS3 (16) was watching AHS. He knows I don't love him watching it, and I've told him I don't want him watching it in the evening. The other night, he DID watch it in the evening, in the LR, next to me. I couldn't see the screen but I could hear it. I couldn't sleep all night. I ended up telling him you know how I feel about it, I know you're sensitive to it too, but if you're hell-bent on watching it, I'd rather you NOT watch it in the evening. But I also know that when you do, you watch it downstairs so you're closer to us. So be it, but next time, PUT YOUR HEADPHONES ON, because I DO NOT want to hear it any more!

ETA: I used to BEG one of my best childhood friends to tell me scary stories when I was little (she loved them!). Then I couldn't sleep unless my dad stayed in my room until I fell asleep. He was patient for a while but then he got fed up. He ended up calling my friend's mom and asking her to tell her daughter to refuse to tell me any more scary stories, even if I begged LOL. I must have about 8/9/10.

[Angel!]

AHS?

[Deleted]

American Horror Story

ETA: We took one of DS3's two closest friends with us on vacation this summer. She got DS3 hooked on it. My DD is into it too, so we would all watch it together sometimes, but since DS3's friend and DD had already seen it, they always told me when to walk away / hide my eyes. But, they got DS3 hooked on it, and since it's during the school year, when he watches the newest episode, he watches it alone. 

ETA: Edited DH to DS3 in my ETA. 

[shanendoah]

American Horror Story

Also not my thing, but I have a number of friends who love it.
First season had Connie Britton.

[Deleted]

I had to look her up Shan, I don't know her. 

[Sam_2.0]

No way I could watch AHS. I cant even watch the commercials for Grimm!

[Wisconsin Beth]

I don't do horror myself.  I had issues after watching the spoof Saturday the 14th as a kid at a slumber party. 

God, last night sucked.  DH and I take turns with the kids.  So every other night I have DD.  Last night was DH's night.  I got Cabe to bed.  Once you get him quiet and laying down, he'll pass out somewhere between 3-10 minutes.  Last night was a 3 minute one.  Yay!  I stuck my head in DD's room (right next to Cabe's) and told them he was down but twitchy/restless.  I started working on the mountain of clean laundry to be put away.  It's around 8pm.

DH comes out.  Keira is awake, scared and he told her I'd come in.  Gee, thanks DH.    So I'm trying to remember everything from this thread and talked to Keira.  And yeah, you guys nailed it.  She doesn't have the words to explain her dreams which is why she's not telling us more about them.  So lots of hugs.  And we started taling about thinking about happy things or being in a place that makes her happy - water parks.  DH came back in around this time to get his Kindle and then found pictures of the water park she's going to in Dec. for a b-day party.  We spent some time explaining that she just needs to keep thinking about the good stuff when bad things try to come into her mind.  She's insisting that she can't do that/it's too hard.  Remind her that she needs to learn how fix things or esle she'll be scared her whole life (which she doesn't want)  Somewhere in there I asked her if she wanted her "brave" spray (a bottle of stinky body spray someone gave her and in desperation a while back I told her was bravery spray.  Discovered that it had no sprayer.  Went to find a different sprayer.  That one didn't work either.  DH found one.  Finally got her room sprayed.  Tucked her into bed with lots of hugs and reminders that we won't let anything happen to her, she's got the guys (stuffed animals) and Teddy to help out.  She starts bawling.  I try to calm her down and say I can't stay in her room all night (which is what she wants) and start losing it.  Lost my temper, flailed around and managed to grab the tail end of it before it escaped completely and I started yelling, then left her room and told DH that I couldn't go back in there.  It's now about 915pm.  DH goes back in.  I finish the mountain of laundry, deal with dinner leftovers and got Oak Island queued up on the DVR.  Wait for DH.  He finally comes out at 940.  She's still awake he says.  But she didn't come out.  I did go to close her door when I was going to bed and she woke up slightly.  I sat on the bed for a couple of minutes and then snuck out. 

God, I hate bedtime. 

Oh, someone asked about the closet.  It's mainly got dresses, dress up clothes and stuffed animals that she won't get rid of but doesn't want/need out in her room.  And there's usually toys in front of the doors.  It's a double sliding door kind and the door sliders don't work correctly. 

During the talk last night, Keira did agree that there's nothing scary in the house or her room though. 

[Deleted]

That sounds like progress, Beth, for her to admit there's nothing scary in the house / room.

Why do you shut K's door when you go to bed? Would it help if she knows you'll leave it ajar all night? 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 5, 2014 11:05:08 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

That sounds like progress, Beth, for her to admit there's nothing scary in the house / room.

Why do you shut K's door when you go to bed? Would it help if she knows you'll leave it ajar all night? 

We've always shut teh kids doors.  At first we had a cat that liked to sleep on top of me and I was afraid she'd try sleeping on top of the baby.  Plus sound drifts oddly down the hallway and it's quieter with the door shut.  Her door doesn't actually shut tight due to the shoe rack hanging on it.

But yeah, leaving the door 1/2 open did help last night. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Last night wasn't too bad.  Mainly because I was so damn tired I fell asleep in bed with Keira and didn't wake up until DH came to get me.  I think it was around 1015.  I staggered off to bed.  Didn't even put my pjs on. 

[shanendoah]

The visualization thing came to me naturally as a kid, it was just something I did on my own, but Pop Tart also claims it's hard, and that she can't do it. (Or at least did when we started on it.)
What we did was every night, for the first month, was lead the happy place thoughts. Ask her where the happy place was, what was she doing, who else was there. Describe the location we're in, etc.
By the second month, we didn't have to ask every single question, she could get to, and talk about, her happy place much more easily. But we did still have to sit and verbalize it every night.
It wasn't until the 3rd month that we could reliably tell her to think about her happy place and not have her say she couldn't do it.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 6, 2014 12:23:26 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

The visualization thing came to me naturally as a kid, it was just something I did on my own, but Pop Tart also claims it's hard, and that she can't do it. (Or at least did when we started on it.)
What we did was every night, for the first month, was lead the happy place thoughts. Ask her where the happy place was, what was she doing, who else was there. Describe the location we're in, etc.
By the second month, we didn't have to ask every single question, she could get to, and talk about, her happy place much more easily. But we did still have to sit and verbalize it every night.
It wasn't until the 3rd month that we could reliably tell her to think about her happy place and not have her say she couldn't do it.

I was afraid you'd say something like this. 

<Beth kicks her work desk moodily and mumbles "I don't wanna spend an hour every night for 3 months getting her to sleep.  I wanna wave a magic wand and not have to do the work!">