My turn to vent on family trainwreck!

[mamasita99]

I can't say anything to DW about this because it's just not a good time, but I need to vent somewhere...

My SIL has spent her adult life striving to be a famous model. Seriously, her dream was to be a Playboy model. She hasn't worked full-time, like, in forever. Maybe right out of high school at a retail store? She worked part time so she could have a flexible schedule so that she could do promotions for the adult beverage industry, random local photo shoots for a motorcycle store that sort of thing. Everything revolved around her being in the spotlight. She's 37 years old now. Still a beautiful woman, but naturally her clients are choosing younger women over her to promote their products. So now she is spending all of her time and money on bodybuilding bikini competitions. A Lot of time and money. She still spends a ton each month on sexy clothes, lashes, hair extensions, and everything else, but now factor in "coaching", supplements, 2 gym memberships, shoes, exercise gear, trips to competitions, fees, etc.

She has not had health insurance in I don't know how many years. She is paying out of pocket now for some woman health issues that she could not ignore any longer, DW made her go to the Dr. She is on her second visit now, the Dr. called her back in to discuss urgently needed surgery to remove over enlarged cysts. She will be making payments for years on these 2 visits alone. Why? Because she chose part time jobs that would get her attention over a "boring" job that might have offered health insurance. And for the past 10 years or so she chose to spend her money on her outside appearances rather than do the adult thing and take responsibility for her health care expenses.

She moved in with us at the end of the summer. DW said it was to give her a chance to catch up on her bills and build up some savings. She has no retirement accounts to speak of. She had two short-lived marketing jobs (the latest involved a uniform that resembled the Hooters girls uniform). She just yesterday secured a traditional administration job that will offer health insurance and retirement in 90 days. My issue is that I don't see how she will ever move out on her own again, as she can't afford her lifestyle. She lives with us, paying half of utilities, and therefore she is left with more money at the end of the month. She's already talking about getting back into body building competitions once her health issues are through. WTF?! She can't afford this lifestyle! Her health issues have just begun, and really she should be focusing on building up her savings so that she can take care of herself properly. For cripes sake, she had to have her brother cosign a loan for a Ford Fiesta . 

I'm getting the feeling that instead of helping her get a fresh start we are just supporting her  lifestyle. It's still all about being in the limelight and looking good. But I think this has been her life for so long she has no idea that there is anything else.

[mollyanna58]

Now that she's working, set a date by which she has to move into her own place again.  You and your DW may need to gift her the security deposit.

Good luck.

[Shooby]

37? Prepare for the next 40 yrs.

[Shooby]

You are just going to have to set your boundaries and stick to it.

[NancysSummerSip]

I'm getting the feeling that instead of helping her get a fresh start we are just supporting her lifestyle.

Yes, you are. Question is: are you and DW on the same page as to how to handle this 37-year-old child? She wants what she wants and expects help from you and other family members to support the lifestyle she thinks she deserves.

What is DW saying? Is she fed up with this situation, or content to let things just ride? Granted, it's her sister, but it's your house and your life. SIL needs a kick in the ass AND a come-to-Jesus talk, but you and DW both have to agree on this.

[Angel!]

Oct 29, 2014 14:41:49 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Now that she's working, set a date by which she has to move into her own place again.  You and your DW may need to gift her the security deposit.

Good luck.

  We paid 1st, last, & deposit to get BIL out.  We gave him a date & 2 months warning.  When that date came, he said he thought that is when he was supposed to start saving to move out

Ex wanted to let him stay, but at that point it had been 6 months. I told him someone was moving out within the week & I was at the point that I didn't really care if it was BIL or me.

[Lizard Queen]

WTF do you need to belong to 2 different gyms??
I would keep reminding her that she is staying with you temporarily, and she needs to plan on that temporariness.

Hmm, maybe if you charge her rent, which you expressly save for her to use as 1/last/SDP...would that be cool with everyone, or would it start a household war?

[happyhoix]

Everything depends on what your DW thinks. Are DW and SIL from a family dynamic where SIL was the baby of the family and everyone has always bailed her out and encouraged her to continue her lifestyle? Because if the whole family is used to taking care of this woman, your DW may consider it her responsibility to continue the support, and you might be stuck with her.

Frankly I think it was a bad move ever letting her move in. DH works with a woman who is a single mom earning about 50K a year - which should be fine in this LCOL area, but she's one of these moms who doesn't want her DD to know they have a moderate income so she buys DD every single thing she wants. This woman moved in with her mom 'temporarily" about 9 years ago. Initially she lived rent free, but when the first six months turned into the second six months, mom insisted she get some rent, hoping to motivate her daughter to move out. Here we are 9 years later and the woman is declaring bankruptcy, yet at the same time shopping for an elaborate computer system for DD for Christmas. She often has to go cry in the bathroom at work because she fights with her mom all the time and because she can't afford to move out - but she won't make the changes she needs to make to save up money to move.

I don't think it helps people to offer them an unlimited crutch like free room and board. I would pay someone's rent, or a deposit, and even help with utilities, but I wouldn't let them move in unless they truly had some issue that made them unable to work - and too much gym time doesn't qualify.

[happyhoix]

Your SILreminds me of a young woman I saw on some reality TV show a while back, about teens who were bad with money. All her sisters and brothers had left home and went to college or tech school and earned a degree that allowed them to support themselves, but this girl refused to move out, refused to go to school, and worked only a few hours at a restaurant as a hostess - her ambition in life - and I am not joking - was to be a famous socialite and have her own reality TV show like Kim Kardashian.

I kept hoping someone on the show would ask this poor girl if she imagined 'socialite' was a paid position someone would hire you to fill, but no one did.....

[haapai]

Do you think that your SIL is a narcissist or merely a spendthrift fool? 

Narcissism is serious shit.  Foolishness can be overcome.  

[mamasita99]

She's very nice and a people person, I think more in a dream world than narcissist. DW doesn't see the problem as she's getting a real job. Me, all I can think in my head is 'that's what you're supposed to do!' I'm going to sit down with DW and come up with a deadline, and that will be the day somebody moves out.

[mamasita99]

And thanks for listening, peeps.  I feel better already. A little guilty for spilling the dirt, but better, too.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2014 18:42:03 GMT -5 mamasita99 said:

She's very nice and a people person, I think more in a dream world than narcissist. DW doesn't see the problem as she's getting a real job. Me, all I can think in my head is 'that's what you're supposed to do!' I'm going to sit down with DW and come up with a deadline, and that will be the day somebody moves out.

That sounds like if the sister doesn't cooperate, DW is going to have to choose. That's a tough spot for DW if she and her sister are close. It doesn't mean you are wrong though. Helping somebody in a tough spot is one thing, but I wouldn't want to subsidize her lifestyle either. Maybe DW can broach the subject of helping her get a handle on managing her money from her new job?

Hopefully SIL will get her stuff together quickly and she'll be able to move out and on with her life with no hard feelings on anybody's side. Good luck!

[thyme4change]

No advice - just support.  If nothing else - keep saying "Charity begins at home" x3 and click your red sparkly shoes together.  Maybe she will get a gig in Kansas.

[Bonny]

You're going to need to get DW on board with a deadline; say 6 months and then DSIL needs to go.

I wish you good luck. These aren't easy situations.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs Mamasita. 

[sesfw]

And thanks for listening, peeps. I feel better already. A little guilty for spilling the dirt, but better, too.

Listening is what we as a YM family is here for.  We are the objective 3rd party that listens to 'just the facts ma'm'.

I go along with the charging rent and giving a deadline.  Paying rent ------ 6 months max.  No rent ------- 2 months max.  It's either Jan 1 or May 1, her choice.

DW needs to be on board and between you can have a united front.

[The Captain]

Oct 29, 2014 18:42:50 GMT -5 mamasita99 said:

And thanks for listening, peeps.  I feel better already. A little guilty for spilling the dirt, but better, too.

Hugs!  That's what we're here for.  And kudos to you for supporting your DW and her sis.  Sounds like you're being pretty reasonable about everything.  For some it's hard to let the dreams go and accept reality.

[greeniis10]

I'm sorry.  It's a tough situation to be in.  And I get why you are thinking the situation will turn out exactly as you fear.  However, there's a slight possibility that now that she's starting a "real" job and is dealing with health issues (that may take longer to heal than she thinks) she may come to terms with the reality that her dream of fame and stardom might not happen.  Sounds like she's been immersed in that world for so long maybe she doesn't know how to get out of it?

Hopefully, she'll settle into her job, maybe do fitness competitions on the side, if she can afford it herself, and possibly grow up.  Maybe this will be the reality check she always needed.  One can only hope!