Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 28, 2014 15:49:55 GMT -5
I would think you could add a time limit on it. Like they can only invoke the clause every 6 months or once a year. But I think I'd reserve the right to offer it if I suspect something that I need them to tell me. Which wouldn't count towards the once a year. I haven't done that yet, but I can see where I might as he gets older.
Good idea!
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 28, 2014 15:53:41 GMT -5
The 4 year old rather strong willed daughter of a gal I was dating was asked by her grandmother what she thought of me. Her response was, "I hate him." Grandmother ask why. "He makes me mind. I don't like to mind." Grandmother liked me from then forward.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Oct 28, 2014 18:08:27 GMT -5
I've had some of my best talks with the kids while in the car. There's no escape for them there! Mom's driving!
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Oct 28, 2014 18:27:04 GMT -5
apparently I need to take a road trip with the boy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2014 19:29:15 GMT -5
I think the road trip is a great idea! If you went away together overnight, I'm sure there would be plenty of time to talk.
I get your desire for him to talk, but how does he act when your friend is around? Happy? Sad? Indifferent?
I'm not British (you know my DH is British so I hope you won't take offense to that!) but I think many Brits find it harder to be frank than this New Yorker LOL.
So I'd probably be more frank ... I love the car ride / cuddling idea.
But I also would consider taking your DS out to lunch / dinner, and saying, listen, I really want to talk to you about something. I know this is a bit awkward so we can keep it short. But I really want to know how you feel about / your opinion on (Mr Bubbles). As you can probably see we like each other a lot. But YOU'RE the most important thing in my life, so I want to make sure you're OK with him / you like him / you're happy with him / happy to all spend time together (whatever your concern is). He was very young when you lost your DH, so you can always add, Mr Bubbles will never change the way I feel about your dad, but I enjoy spending time with him / having fun with him / the companionship (whatever).
Good luck! And I agree, good for you for thinking about this and wanting to take your DS's feelings into consideration!
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 28, 2014 22:42:41 GMT -5
Ok gentlemen on the board - why are the mini versions of you all clams? How does one get the clam to open up just a tiny bit? It's genetic/cultural. Guys open up to other guys, not our moms, girlfriends, or wives. So, unless you can grow a penis you're not getting all the details. Like ever. Learn to work around it. Hidden microphones?
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 29, 2014 0:00:06 GMT -5
The 4 year old rather strong willed daughter of a gal I was dating was asked by her grandmother what she thought of me. Her response was, "I hate him." Grandmother ask why. "He makes me mind. I don't like to mind." Grandmother liked me from then forward. My brother's ex remarried and the girls said they didn't like the step dad, he was mean. Mom asked what he did mean and they said he made them eat food they didn't like and go to bed when they weren't tired. Strange my mom thought it wasn't any worse than she did to us.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 29, 2014 6:01:28 GMT -5
I think some kids don't really know what they feel about a situation or they just don't really think about it and just simply accept whatever the situation is. Kids are kind of resilient that way. I think I have the best convos when I go and sit on my kid's bedside while they are lying down getting ready to go to sleep. They seem more relaxed and seem to be less distracted. The car is good too but often in the car they have their cell phones up their noses, lol. So, definitely talk to him, but in reality, he not even know how he feels, may not have any particular feelings about it whatsoever,or may not be much of a talker. And, a nontalker simply often just doesn't have much to say. But, I think just attempting it and see what comes out it is a very good plan.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Oct 29, 2014 13:17:14 GMT -5
Thanks all.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 29, 2014 14:26:32 GMT -5
Ok gentlemen on the board - why are the mini versions of you all clams? How does one get the clam to open up just a tiny bit? Not all males are clams. DS2 is a talker and has been since day-one. He has always talked to me and told me absolutely everything. For hours. In great detail. He's very blunt and has a hard time remembering to use his "filter" from mouth to brain, but this is the way I've always known him and I appreciate his direct honesty and would never change him. It's the usual "be careful what you wish for!" thing. I'm an introvert and if DS2 was awake, there was never a time he was NOT talking. From the age he was mobile to the day he moved out on his own, I'd come home from work, he'd hear the garage door open and as soon as I'd get my truck door open, before my foot even touched the ground he was leaning in the garage talking to me already! At times I wanted to scream, but then I realized that if my child/tween/teenage boy wanted to talk to me that much, I was truly blessed. He's 22 and commutes to work every day about an hour. He calls me every day on his way home and we talk. (he's perfectly normal and not a mommy's boy or socially stunted; didn't want to give that impression) Anyway, I see that you've been given really good advice already, so that's the only reason I rambled about my own personal situation, or else I wouldn't want to derail your thread.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Oct 30, 2014 13:24:00 GMT -5
Ok progress in tiny baby steps!
Usually if date comes over boy just ignores him. Last night he stopped by because he was working the neighborhood. Was only over for about 15 minutes. When date said goodnight to DS, DS actually responded and said "bye." I will take all the teeny tiny baby steps of progress he is willing to provide.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Nov 1, 2014 10:48:35 GMT -5
snap - last summer while on vacation in Hawaii he saw a crab running around on the sand. He named the crab Mr. Bubbles. He then proceeded to tell me a whole story about how Mrs. Bubbles had died and that Mr. Bubbles was now seeing a new crab. I figured this was his way of letting me know it was ok if I (as Mr. Bubbles) started dating since my Mrs. Bubbles had died 4 + years earlier. Didn't meet anyone worth dating until June of this year. OMG! He is such a cool fella your son! Seems like you can ask him straight out if he remembers mr.Bubbles and how he told you its ok to have a crab leg He must remember. it could be fun convo (teenage for conversation and I hate it ) Good luck.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Nov 2, 2014 19:09:31 GMT -5
Car rides are great for communicating, unless the other sibling is there. They will talk my ear off if separate, but if the sibling is in the car, all the do is argue. My biggest issue is my son tries to tell me something and the conversation goes like this: Mom, remember that thing that I did at that place?
No, I don't because I don't know what you are talking about.
It was when I was 8 or 9 and I had this red thing and threw it over the fence.
I have no idea what he is talking about and even when I do, I try to suggest some of the words he is looking for and then he will tell me the whole thing. He's 12 and sometimes I think it is just laziness, but it does happen when he's distracted by something else. It drives me nuts!
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Nov 3, 2014 14:52:21 GMT -5
Sue - I think I drove your son to school this morning! In the car my DS started asking about a conversation I had with his soccer coach Sat. morning - except he forgot to use the key words that would identify it, like soccer coach, talking at the field etc... His question was what were you talking about when you said "doesn't listen." Like that was supposed to lead me to remember the discussion with his coach on Sat!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 3, 2014 16:22:48 GMT -5
Sue - I think I drove your son to school this morning! In the car my DS started asking about a conversation I had with his soccer coach Sat. morning - except he forgot to use the key words that would identify it, like soccer coach, talking at the field etc... His question was what were you talking about when you said "doesn't listen." Like that was supposed to lead me to remember the discussion with his coach on Sat! I think you and sues were talking to my father. He doesn't include words like nouns or things like places or dates or times or mention people involved in the conversation when he's mentioning things... Then he gets frustrated AT ME, because I have no idea what in the hell he is saying. ARGH!!!! he's pushing 60 and should know better!
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Nov 3, 2014 16:40:26 GMT -5
Oh, I can relate to missing key words as well. A couple years ago DS2 called me very upset because he and his girlfriend got into a fight while they were at a restaurant. He said he got mad and left her there. I went OFF! I was so angry at him for doing that to her as her family was very flaky and non-supportive of her anyway. The next day after we'd both calmed down and were talking again he then mentioned that her family was with them at the restaurant and they were all going to a movie together directly from there and he wasn't even planning on going with them in the first place because he had to work early the next day.
Um. Thanks. Sure am glad I yelled at you for no reason. Details, please. Details.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Nov 3, 2014 17:03:00 GMT -5
One of the reasons I love my husband is because I can say "Can you take the thingy to the whosi-whatsit and stop at the whatchamacallit on the way home?" There was a while where I referred to every object in our house as the "Squidget". Poor man.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Nov 10, 2014 14:32:19 GMT -5
Loony - we did have a conversation about Mr. Bubbles. He remembered the whole Mr. Bubbles scenario. However, in the year since we were in Maui and he saw Mr. Bubbles on the beach apparently Mrs. Bubbles reappeared from the dead. Apparently she wasn't actually dead but on a very long cruise. Not sure how to take that because his dad (the Mrs. Bubbles in this story) is very definitely not on a cruise (although cruising was his dad's favorite vacation).
Kids!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 14, 2014 9:46:07 GMT -5
Hugs t-dog. Just keep trying to talk with him.
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Nov 14, 2014 10:28:00 GMT -5
I've found that when trying to get a kid to communicate, shouting usually does the trick. Shouting is a form of communication. Of course, the topic of my communication is usually limited to the reminiscence of when I was their age, crappy rap music, and lawns.
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