How to get kid to communicate

[t-dog]

So I started dating a few months ago and its going well.  Recall DH died 5 3/4 years ago. I like the guy and he is very accommodating in realizing I have an 11-year old. They have met when date has come over to the house and/or to child's sporting events. For those of you who have been in this situation, how did you get your kids to communicate about how they feel over seeing parent dating, feelings about the date etc... My child is a clam and generally concentrates on his video game and completely ignores the date if he is there or my attempts to discuss the situation with him when we are alone. I have not pushed him at all since this is all very new, but I would really like to know what he thinks.

[The Captain]

I got nothing for you except good thoughts and hope for a positive outcome.  Good luck!

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Any conversation on any topic of any consequence I have ever had with my kids has been while they were sitting beside me in the passenger seat of the car.  

I don't know if it is because we aren't face to face, or if it is because there is no where for them to escape, or if the motion of the car unlocks their jaw muscles, or if the car feels like a confessional booth. 

All I know is that a smooth intro to the conversation ("hey, guyfriend and I want to do something fun on Saturday with you, any ideas what we can do?") and an ability to just keep casually driving during the conversation opens up the parent/child communication link.

[Lizard Queen]

Is there some kind of activity that you can do together that allows for some relaxed chatting?  You don't want to jump into anything serious at first--just lighthearted chit chat to get it to become a habit.

[raeoflyte]

This isn't exactly relevant to your situation but I will share that my mom talked to my sister (age 7) about marrying my dad and asking sis what she thought about that.  Sis thought that sounded great not realizing that meant my dad would be moving in with them.  I use that to remember to talk more about mundane details with the kids when we are talking about changes.  

[HoneyBBQ]

I don't have any suggestions but I think you are a great mom for even thinking about this!

My Mom had some horrible boyfriends when I was a kid. She never cared what I thought or felt, though.

So I really appreciate your efforts.

[Abby Normal]

DS (nearly 13) is a clam and it takes an act of congress to get him to talk about the good stuff, let alone anything that bothers him.

I keep asking general questions- usually start with yes or no.  Did you enjoy this?  Do you like this?  Then move on to :  What was your favorite part?
 

But if I know something is bothering him-  I let him crawl in bed with me at night for a while.  In the dark, he'll tell me a lot more than in the light of day.  As quiet as he is, I find I get alot more information out of him that the mom's of his friends.

We also made an "immunity" clause.  If there is something he needs to discuss that he thinks he might be in trouble for- he can ask for immunity.  Anything after that point is unpunishable.  But if I find out and have to go to him to talk about- punishment is on the table.

In your case-  You could ask him like you were asking him for advice- rather than his feelings.  " I like new guy, but I'm worried about xxx- what do you think I should do? Do you like him?"  That kind of thing.

[zibazinski]

I found the best was also a car ride, in the dark.

[muttleynfelix]

My mom swears boys are just pre-programmed not to talk.  We were talking about how everytime I ask DS how his day at school was, he ALWAYS tells me, "I don't know".  She laughed and said she had the same problem with my brother.  My sister and I would come home and tell her all about our days and my brother would say "Fine". "I don't know".  Probably not helpful at all, but good luck to you. 

[t-dog]

yeah - the typical post school conversation goes something like this:

me - "how was school today?"

DS - "OK"

me - "did you do anything interesting?"

DS - "I don't know."

me - "Is there a lot of homework?"

DS - "I don't know."

me - "do you remember anything about the 6 hours you spent in class?"

DS - "no, but I stopped 2 goals at lunch." or the other variant "no, but I scored a touchdown at lunch."

[giramomma]

Car rides, or time alone out doing an activity work well for us. We start casual, and then move into heavier discussions.

Do you have anyone trusted that your DS can talk to?

One of my scouts got bent out of shape on the last camp we went on. It was clear he wasn't going to talk to me. (When I tried engaging him he literally gave me his back and walked away.)  Another parent and I took the boys on a hike, and on the return trip we split up. I took two boys, and the Dad took the upset kid. The scout that was upset opened up to the Dad, and between that and the hike, all was well again.

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your son. I'd be a little wary about going the asking for advice route. Unless your son's input will really determine whom you might choose as a new partner. But, that's because I have lots of baggage from being expected to my mom's friend/confident/etc growing up rather than a child.

[The Captain]

Oct 28, 2014 13:24:21 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

DS (nearly 13) is a clam and it takes an act of congress to get him to talk about the good stuff, let alone anything that bothers him.

I keep asking general questions- usually start with yes or no.  Did you enjoy this?  Do you like this?  Then move on to :  What was your favorite part?
 

But if I know something is bothering him-  I let him crawl in bed with me at night for a while.  In the dark, he'll tell me a lot more than in the light of day.  As quiet as he is, I find I get alot more information out of him that the mom's of his friends.

We also made an "immunity" clause.  If there is something he needs to discuss that he thinks he might be in trouble for- he can ask for immunity.  Anything after that point is unpunishable.  But if I find out and have to go to him to talk about- punishment is on the table.

In your case-  You could ask him like you were asking him for advice- rather than his feelings.  " I like new guy, but I'm worried about xxx- what do you think I should do? Do you like him?"  That kind of thing.

I LOVE THIS IDEA!!!

[Ryan]

My son is only 6 and I already have issues with him elaborating on things.  Basically, if he ever feels like I'm questioning him then he stops talking.  So I just let him talk about what he wants and then hope he crosses over into a topic I'm wondering about.  Usually I have to do some hit/run questioning and not do 5-6 in a row.

[snapdragon]

When my mom started dating I had issues with one guy she was seeing. What I ended up doing was writing her a poem about how I was feeling about the whole situation. She responded back in written form and he was out of the picture about 2 weeks later. Luckily he was no longer staying over at the house but was back at his place with his kids. We never talked about it but once after she told me he was no longer in the picture and we left it at that. It would have been sooner but he was a co-worker and she didn't want issues at work. Which is one of the reasons I don't date anyone at work.  

So you might want to ask your boy if he would feel better writing down his thoughts about you dating.

[t-dog]

Ok gentlemen on the board - why are the mini versions of you all clams? How does one get the clam to open up just a tiny bit?

[midjd]

Oct 28, 2014 13:52:12 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Oct 28, 2014 13:24:21 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

DS (nearly 13) is a clam and it takes an act of congress to get him to talk about the good stuff, let alone anything that bothers him.

I keep asking general questions- usually start with yes or no.  Did you enjoy this?  Do you like this?  Then move on to :  What was your favorite part?
 

But if I know something is bothering him-  I let him crawl in bed with me at night for a while.  In the dark, he'll tell me a lot more than in the light of day.  As quiet as he is, I find I get alot more information out of him that the mom's of his friends.

We also made an "immunity" clause.  If there is something he needs to discuss that he thinks he might be in trouble for- he can ask for immunity.  Anything after that point is unpunishable.  But if I find out and have to go to him to talk about- punishment is on the table.

In your case-  You could ask him like you were asking him for advice- rather than his feelings.  " I like new guy, but I'm worried about xxx- what do you think I should do? Do you like him?"  That kind of thing.

I LOVE THIS IDEA!!!

I do too! Kind of the "if you get drunk at a party you can call for a ride home, no questions asked" but even better. 

[t-dog]

snap - last summer while on vacation in Hawaii he saw a crab running around on the sand.  He named the crab Mr. Bubbles. He then proceeded to tell me a whole story about how Mrs. Bubbles had died and that Mr. Bubbles was now seeing a new crab. I figured this was his way of letting me know it was ok if I (as Mr. Bubbles) started dating since my Mrs. Bubbles had died 4 + years earlier.  Didn't meet anyone worth dating until June of this year. 

[t-dog]

let me clarify - the Hawaii trip was actually summer 2013 and I met the date in June 2014.

[yogiii]

Oct 28, 2014 14:06:49 GMT -5 t-dog said:

snap - last summer while on vacation in Hawaii he saw a crab running around on the sand.  He named the crab Mr. Bubbles. He then proceeded to tell me a whole story about how Mrs. Bubbles had died and that Mr. Bubbles was now seeing a new crab. I figured this was his way of letting me know it was ok if I (as Mr. Bubbles) started dating since my Mrs. Bubbles had died 4 + years earlier.  Didn't meet anyone worth dating until June of this year. 

Please don't make me almost cry at work!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oct 28, 2014 14:06:49 GMT -5 t-dog said:

snap - last summer while on vacation in Hawaii he saw a crab running around on the sand.  He named the crab Mr. Bubbles. He then proceeded to tell me a whole story about how Mrs. Bubbles had died and that Mr. Bubbles was now seeing a new crab. I figured this was his way of letting me know it was ok if I (as Mr. Bubbles) started dating since my Mrs. Bubbles had died 4 + years earlier.  Didn't meet anyone worth dating until June of this year. 

then maybe this is where you start.  If he truly meant it as a way to say it was ok and wasn't just entertaining himself with a story based on a friend's life or whatever. 

Sorry, that made more sense in my head. 

[giramomma]

Oct 28, 2014 14:04:07 GMT -5 t-dog said:

Ok gentlemen on the board - why are the mini versions of you all clams? How does one get the clam to open up just a tiny bit?

My H is not a "talker." He avoids talking about feelings nearly at all costs. Even when I check in with him about his sobriety, I get a two word answer at best.

Unless I get him talking on something he's interested in. For my DH that's Baseball, history, anything by Ken Burns, scouting (though he told me its no longer fun), school, our kids, maybe politics if I'm in a good mood or work if he's in a good mood.

Then my husband talks.

Maybe your son isn't a talker. In some situations, I'm not.

I have a 17 year old female music student who isn't a talker. I can't engage her the same way that I can my 16 year old female music student that IS a talker, and is perfectly willing to unload on me after knowing me for a month. I've also had one dad have his daughter continue lessons with me, because I was a safe person to talk to when talking to mom wasn't working.

ETA: Timing is everything. I get better results with my kids because I tend to time things better than DH. Which usually means when they are more rested than not and when their bellies are full.

[HoneyBBQ]

Oct 28, 2014 14:06:49 GMT -5 t-dog said:

snap - last summer while on vacation in Hawaii he saw a crab running around on the sand.  He named the crab Mr. Bubbles. He then proceeded to tell me a whole story about how Mrs. Bubbles had died and that Mr. Bubbles was now seeing a new crab. I figured this was his way of letting me know it was ok if I (as Mr. Bubbles) started dating since my Mrs. Bubbles had died 4 + years earlier.  Didn't meet anyone worth dating until June of this year. 

Maybe you could remind him of the Mr Bubbles story and ask if he likes Mr Bubble's new friend.

[Abby Normal]

Oct 28, 2014 13:40:30 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your son. I'd be a little wary about going the asking for advice route. Unless your son's input will really determine whom you might choose as a new partner. But, that's because I have lots of baggage from being expected to my mom's friend/confident/etc growing up rather than a child.

When I say advice-  I only mean asking him his opinion on guy.  If you ask for feelings from a clam you'll get a deer in the headlights look. But if he feels like his opinion matters (and it should to a degree), he'll be more likely to talk and that gets the conversation started. 

As for the after school conversation: Ours would go like this:

How was school
Fine
Anything interesting
no

Now I say-  Tell me three good things and three bad things that happened  (or three things you liked and three you didn't)  today.  Makes much better conversation. 

How does one get the clam to open up just a tiny bit?

Sometimes you just have to stick a knife in it and twist. 

[Firebird]

We also made an "immunity" clause. If there is something he needs to discuss that he thinks he might be in trouble for- he can ask for immunity. Anything after that point is unpunishable. But if I find out and have to go to him to talk about- punishment is on the table.

Abby Normal, I like this too but could easily imagine it being abused, e.g. "I'm gonna get drunk tonight and I'll talk it over with Mom tomorrow to avoid punishment."  Has anything like that happened?  If so, how did you deal with it?

Obviously it's better to have kids talking to you than not talking to you, and that's what I love about this - but on the other hand, I wouldn't want my kid doing whatever she wanted and abusing the immunity clause.  Though I suppose if that were the case we could reevaluate.

t-dog - I wish I had some good advice for you but I've never been in this situation.  If it were my kid, I *think* I would just try to keep the lines open, by saying (or writing in a letter, if that works better for you) something like "I loved your dad very much and I miss him all the time.  Making room for a new person in my life doesn't change how I feel about him one bit, and sometimes it's painful for me.  I can imagine that it might be for you too.  I hope you know that it's always okay to talk with me about how you're feeling.  I will always listen to your concerns and your thoughts.  I love you very much." 

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2014 13:05:27 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Any conversation on any topic of any consequence I have ever had with my kids has been while they were sitting beside me in the passenger seat of the car.  

I don't know if it is because we aren't face to face, or if it is because there is no where for them to escape, or if the motion of the car unlocks their jaw muscles, or if the car feels like a confessional booth. 

All I know is that a smooth intro to the conversation ("hey, guyfriend and I want to do something fun on Saturday with you, any ideas what we can do?") and an ability to just keep casually driving during the conversation opens up the parent/child communication link.

SO true!  Get them in the car alone and they tend to open up.

Also I find texting brings about some aha moments.

Good luck to you!!

[billisonboard]

Oct 28, 2014 12:49:01 GMT -5 t-dog said:

... I would really like to know what he thinks.

Oct 28, 2014 14:04:07 GMT -5 t-dog said:

Ok gentlemen on the board - why are the mini versions of you all clams? How does one get the clam to open up just a tiny bit?

Information is power. How is it to his advantage to give you the information you are requesting from him? Or maybe more important, how have you used things he has shared in the past to his disadvantage?

[tractor]

Just a general comment at first, I find it interesting that Mons worry so much about the lack of communication from teen-aged boys. My wife is the same way, both of our boys will tell me all kids of stuff, but clam up if their mom asks.

Here's my secret: don't push it. Boys typically don't give you an immediate response because they are worried you will blow it all out of proportion and try to make them feel all squishy. They don't want to be your little baby anymore. I will often ask them a question, or make a statement then walk away. My boys tend to need time to think things over before they respond. I know it seems like they are ignoring you, but they aren't, they are listening to what you are saying. I give it some time, then stand there and stare at them, when they look me in the eyes, I start with something they are interested in like "do you always have to shoot everybody on Skyrim? Can't you just make friends?" They or course just roll their eyes, then start to speak. Once they start talking, I ask if they've thought about my question and I usually get a response.

So try asking the question in passing and give him time to respond. It may take a couple of hours, or a couple of days, but you will get a response. After a few times, they know you are serious and will start answering you quicker. Just don't get all mushy or you will scare them away. Teenage boys are funny like that.

[billisonboard]

Oct 28, 2014 15:04:42 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

...

How does one get the clam to open up just a tiny bit?

Sometimes you just have to stick a knife in it and twist. 

This comment has a truth that is way too true based on my male experiences communicating with some females.

[Abby Normal]

Oct 28, 2014 15:21:00 GMT -5 Firebird said:

We also made an "immunity" clause. If there is something he needs to discuss that he thinks he might be in trouble for- he can ask for immunity. Anything after that point is unpunishable. But if I find out and have to go to him to talk about- punishment is on the table.

Abby Normal, I like this too but could easily imagine it being abused, e.g. "I'm gonna get drunk tonight and I'll talk it over with Mom tomorrow to avoid punishment."  Has anything like that happened?  If so, how did you deal with it?

Obviously it's better to have kids talking to you than not talking to you, and that's what I love about this - but on the other hand, I wouldn't want my kid doing whatever she wanted and abusing the immunity clause.  Though I suppose if that were the case we could reevaluate.

First- he's not quite 13 so we haven't encountered the drunk thing yet.    He's only invoked the clause twice that I can think of.  Once for breaking something, and once for something at school.

I would think you could add a time limit on it.  Like they can only invoke the clause every 6 months or once a year.  But I think I'd reserve the right to offer it if I suspect something that I need them to tell me.  Which wouldn't count towards the once a year.  I haven't done that yet, but I can see where I might as he gets older. 

[Angel!]

Oct 28, 2014 15:04:42 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

Oct 28, 2014 13:40:30 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your son. I'd be a little wary about going the asking for advice route. Unless your son's input will really determine whom you might choose as a new partner. But, that's because I have lots of baggage from being expected to my mom's friend/confident/etc growing up rather than a child.

When I say advice-  I only mean asking him his opinion on guy.

  I have asked my kids on several occasions what they think of my BF.  I do think their opinions are important.  If they didn't like him then I would want to know why & it would affect my decision as to whether or not I continue seeing someone. 

But, my kids are much younger, so they don't really understand the whole concept of dating and what that really means.  So for them at this age, I think the answer basically has to do with whether or not they have fun when he is around.  Plus, my kid's dad didn't die, but basically abandoned them, so that is a different situation too & would affect how a kid feels about mom dating.