MIL's food stamps were cut...

[Lizard Queen]

...from $200 to $16.  It's a big cut, for sure, but she now has a job with income that doesn't count against food stamp benefits or her reduced rental rate at the senior apartments.  So, it's not as dire of a situation as it might seem at first glance.  Works 20 hours/week, M-Th afternoons.  I mentioned to her that raking leaves was aggravating my messed up shoulder.  She mentioned that picking up the phone at work was hurting her elbow.

Complains that she's had to cut her smoking down to 1/2 pack/day from 1 pack/day.  She doesn't have time to go to the food bank.  She accidentally got her cable upgraded to the sports package, but doesn't want to cut that since it's a special rate.

She started to invite herself over most every Sunday.  I have been getting food from a chicken place every Sunday for my mom for much longer.  My mom insists that I put it on her debit card and that I get food for the rest of us as well to compensate for the trouble and help us out.  (We're kind of sick of it, actually, but whatever.)  It puts me in an awkward place, with this uninvited guest over.  I would have to pay for her separately, of course, which I did once.  We're not exactly rolling in the dough right now, and cook at home to save money.  If it were another night where we cook, this wouldn't be an issue.  We were planning to cook in for ourselves last time, but it started getting too late.

MIL tends to be a mooch, and I don't want to encourage more moochiness, or inviting herself over more.  She doesn't spend much time with the grandkids when she's here.  It's mostly to talk DH's ear off, but he's often working outside when she's over so it's talking my ear off instead.  It might be different if she offered to watch the kids so that we could go out more than twice a year.

[Bonny]

She sounds lonely which is part of my MIL's problem.

How old is she? Outside of work does she have any other social outlets?

You and DH need a heart to heart about boundaries. Maybe she could come over 2x per month? 1x per month?

DH told his mother that he would make quarterly visits. (She lives 600 miles away). We know that what she really wants is for him to move into her basement to wait on her hand and foot. Not going to happen. Someone would wind up dead...and it wouldn't be me!

[resolution]

That seems like a big cut in benefits. Did her rent go up also? Is she inviting herself over because she doesn't have enough to eat, or just for company and restaurant food?

If you are sick of the chicken, you may want to start cooking at home on Sundays and find a different night that your mom can treat all of you. Otherwise your husband may need to explain to her that your mom is treating, and that you don't feel it is appropriate to ask your mom to treat another person.

[Lizard Queen]

Oct 24, 2014 11:13:24 GMT -5 Bonny said:

She sounds lonely which is part of my MIL's problem.

How old is she? Outside of work does she have any other social outlets?

You and DH need a heart to heart about boundaries. Maybe she could come over 2x per month? 1x per month?

DH told his mother that he would make quarterly visits. (She lives 600 miles away). We know that what she really wants is for him to move into her basement to wait on her hand and foot. Not going to happen. Someone would wind up dead...and it wouldn't be me!

Oh yeah, she's goes out to the bar with her friends fairly often--much more often than I ever have.  She belongs to a local club and a church that she attends regularly.  Not sure exactly how old--66 or 67 maybe.  She's very physically active as long as it doesn't involve work.  No mobility problems--just some tennis elbow from what I can tell.

DH isn't good with saying we're busy with other stuff and it's not the best time, but she'll think twice about coming over if she hears we're sick.  I told him to tell her last week that we have Ebola.  It was a really bad joke, and it went over like a lead balloon.


I remember some things that you've posted about your MIL.  Mine isn't THAT bad, thankfully.

[Lizard Queen]

Oct 24, 2014 11:21:06 GMT -5 resolution said:

That seems like a big cut in benefits. Did her rent go up also? Is she inviting herself over because she doesn't have enough to eat, or just for company and restaurant food?

If you are sick of the chicken, you may want to start cooking at home on Sundays and find a different night that your mom can treat all of you. Otherwise your husband may need to explain to her that your mom is treating, and that you don't feel it is appropriate to ask your mom to treat another person.

I don't think so.  Believe me, she would have complained about that as well.  It sounds like the cut is just for the rest of the year maybe?     Seriously, if she had her income from her job counted against the food stamps, she wouldn't be getting them at all anyhow.  I know what her ballpark income is, and some of her expenses.  It seems a little tight, but not that bad.

She started inviting herself before the cut happened.  She had been saving some of her pay to get some maintenance done on her car and whatnot, which is a good thing.  She wasn't complaining about having nothing to eat, just that she couldn't save anything anymore.

My mom likes the Sunday thing, and it's been working fine until MIL started deciding she wanted to visit us every week.  Like I said, we were planning on cooking last week, but it just started getting late.  In that case, having her eat over isn't an issue it all.  It's the fact that she invites herself every week when it would be nice for us to be more free to do stuff other than entertain her.

[Lizard Queen]

I googled it, and it seems like it is a state-not-complying-with -federal-changes issue.  Welp, she voted for these guys.  As long as she has her job, she'll be okay despite the bitching about it.  She's one year into a max 3 year federal job program.  I worry after that.  DH thinks she'll go live with one of her sisters after one of the BILs dies.

[greeniis10]

Sorry, sounds like a tough situation.  Any possibility of doing your Sunday thing at your mom's house?  If so, I wouldn't even tell your MIL that.  I'd just be a bit proactive and whenever you talk to her (or call her) before Sunday tell her you won't be home this Sunday and leave it at that. 

If she's not willing to agree to 1x or 2x per month visit, then you will "have plans" every weekend until you feel like hosting her.  If she can't manage and respect boundaries unfortunately you may have to do it for her.

Easier said than done, I know.  Thank god my MIL 1) lives about 45 min. away from us, and 2) when she does show up unannounced it's always during the day during the week while I'm at work.  Don't care if the house is clean; don't care what they have to eat.  Not my problem.  DH gets her all to himself!

[movingforward]

This just reiterates my theory that everyone needs at least a 3 hr buffer zone

[Lizard Queen]

Oct 24, 2014 12:19:50 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Sorry, sounds like a tough situation.  Any possibility of doing your Sunday thing at your mom's house?  If so, I wouldn't even tell your MIL that.  I'd just be a bit proactive and whenever you talk to her (or call her) before Sunday tell her you won't be home this Sunday and leave it at that. 

If she's not willing to agree to 1x or 2x per month visit, then you will "have plans" every weekend until you feel like hosting her.  If she can't manage and respect boundaries unfortunately you may have to do it for her.

Easier said than done, I know.  Thank god my MIL 1) lives about 45 min. away from us, and 2) when she does show up unannounced it's always during the day during the week while I'm at work.  Don't care if the house is clean; don't care what they have to eat.  Not my problem.  DH gets her all to himself!

Thanks. Going to my mom's takes an even bigger bite out of our day, and I stop over there 1-2x every single day to check on her meds. (1.25 miles from my house). I suppose we could just SAY we're going over there. Neither one of us is very good at lying though.  She texts my husband a day or so before and asks what we're doing.  I think I need to have a plan for the next time.  She'll certainly ask about it later, so it has to be something real.

I don't care if the house is clean for her either.  I wish I could leave DH to her, but he's busy doing stuff outside and I get stuck with her at least 1/2 the time. He needs to get that stuff done, so she's interfering with his progress when she goes out to talk his ear off.  Her reason for coming over is to see the grandkids, but she doesn't play with them or anything.  I don't know. The cynical part of me suspects that someone mentioned how she must love seeing her grandkids all the time since she lives in the same city.   Like it's more for appearances than actual desire.

[movingforward]

I am seriously a spoiled brat.  I go to Yoga class and lunch with a friend most every Sunday.  DBF watches football, plays golf or whatever he wants while I am gone.  I really don't know how I would react if I had a MIL trying to ruin my routine.  I would NOT be happy.  I could understand if she was very elderly and/or sick.  That would be different.  I certainly would alter my routine if that were the case, otherwise I would probably be 

[gooddecisions]

I don't have any advice. I wish I could put my inlaws on a schedule, but they totally resist it. They live one hour away and prefer to pop over whenever it's convenient for them, which is normally when it's not very convenient for us. The stores like Costco and Hobby Lobby are all right down the street from me and they will want to make a run every week or two since they live in the middle of nowhere. They like to pop-over right about when I'm trying to get the baby and toddler to bed or at dinner time and we have to figure out 2 extra plates at the last minute.

When I had my first, they ranted about how their other son requires 3 days notice for them to visit and how I better not do that to them. Their whole family has complained to me- including their own siblings (my husband's uncles/aunts) and other grown children, how much they hate it when they show up unannounced.

So, I'll politely ask, how about we start a routine, like getting together the first Saturday or Sunday of every month- we can rotate whose house, that way 3 months won't go by without seeing each other. Nope, not interested. It's either feast or famine with them depending on what they have going on. They also don't pay much attention to their grandchildren preferring to talk to us. My husband has gotten better about sitting down with them so it's not all me dropping everything to hang out. Like, you- that drove me nuts.

My MIL never asks anything about me or what's going on in my life and prefers to be the one doing the talking. So, I just listen and respond appropriately- asking about their latest trips, house updates, family updates, vehicles and health. She told my 3 year old that "one day, you'll get to go to the aquarium." I said, oh we've been to the aquarium and she got all curious and said I never told her that. I said I did (and then in my head- you just don't listen). You should have seen her face when I told her we stayed with her brother. She was shocked, convinced that he never allowed anyone to visit. No, he just doesn't like them to visit because they don't call in advance and instead have shown up unannounced on his doorstep. Oh, how I would have loved to have told it to her straight. I've diplomatically discussed it, but they feel they are "free-spirits" and since they are retired should get to come and go as they please.

If I try to set a date to visit them at their house, it never, ever works out. They always cancel. They just plain refuse to plan. My experience with them is when I realized adults don't listen or cooperate any better than children. Maybe this is their way of pay backs for raising 5 children.

My parents live in Florida, so we only see them twice a year. I have different issues with them, but they are far more reasonable and cooperative with requests.

[tloonya]

Oct 24, 2014 14:38:58 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

I don't have any advice. I wish I could put my inlaws on a schedule, but they totally resist it. They live one hour away and prefer to pop over whenever it's convenient for them, which is normally when it's not very convenient for us. The stores like Costco and Hobby Lobby are all right down the street from me and they will want to make a run every week or two since they live in the middle of nowhere. They like to pop-over right about when I'm trying to get the baby and toddler to bed or at dinner time and we have to figure out 2 extra plates at the last minute.

Everybody Loves Raymond did no one a favor, right?

[weltschmerz]

I'm supposed to go bother my son and his CL wife several times a month? I had no idea!

If I want to see them, I invite them over for supper.

My son also drops in about twice a week, just to say hi and see how things are going for me. They live about 20 minutes away.

[zibazinski]

Don't answer the door when people show up unannounced. I can't imagine it. I would never let anyone interfere w my kids schedules and dinner? That's why they make delivery or carry out and they can pay for it or go get it. You poor thing. Boundaries set by your DH would help.

[Lizard Queen]

Oct 24, 2014 14:38:58 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

I don't have any advice. I wish I could put my inlaws on a schedule, but they totally resist it. They live one hour away and prefer to pop over whenever it's convenient for them, which is normally when it's not very convenient for us. The stores like Costco and Hobby Lobby are all right down the street from me and they will want to make a run every week or two since they live in the middle of nowhere. They like to pop-over right about when I'm trying to get the baby and toddler to bed or at dinner time and we have to figure out 2 extra plates at the last minute.

When I had my first, they ranted about how their other son requires 3 days notice for them to visit and how I better not do that to them. Their whole family has complained to me- including their own siblings (my husband's uncles/aunts) and other grown children, how much they hate it when they show up unannounced.

So, I'll politely ask, how about we start a routine, like getting together the first Saturday or Sunday of every month- we can rotate whose house, that way 3 months won't go by without seeing each other. Nope, not interested. It's either feast or famine with them depending on what they have going on. They also don't pay much attention to their grandchildren preferring to talk to us. My husband has gotten better about sitting down with them so it's not all me dropping everything to hang out. Like, you- that drove me nuts.

My MIL never asks anything about me or what's going on in my life and prefers to be the one doing the talking. So, I just listen and respond appropriately- asking about their latest trips, house updates, family updates, vehicles and health. She told my 3 year old that "one day, you'll get to go to the aquarium." I said, oh we've been to the aquarium and she got all curious and said I never told her that. I said I did (and then in my head- you just don't listen). You should have seen her face when I told her we stayed with her brother. She was shocked, convinced that he never allowed anyone to visit. No, he just doesn't like them to visit because they don't call in advance and instead have shown up unannounced on his doorstep. Oh, how I would have loved to have told it to her straight. I've diplomatically discussed it, but they feel they are "free-spirits" and since they are retired should get to come and go as they please.

If I try to set a date to visit them at their house, it never, ever works out. They always cancel. They just plain refuse to plan. My experience with them is when I realized adults don't listen or cooperate any better than children. Maybe this is their way of pay backs for raising 5 children.

My parents live in Florida, so we only see them twice a year. I have different issues with them, but they are far more reasonable and cooperative with requests.

Wow, yeah, I probably wouldn't open the door.  I have a hard time being polite in that situation.  (Well, I might be nice about the first couple of times, but then I would probably start being a little rude.)

[Lizard Queen]

Update:  The good news--she didn't come over this weekend!  
The bad news--most of us were sick with some kind of flu or something this weekend.    I'm not sure what it was--DH and DS2 both had the flu shot the 16 and 17th.  DH got it Friday.  DS2 may have gotten it M-W prior to that.  He's only 2, so we couldn't tell if it was teething or what.  Fever, but no sneezing or coughing or anything.  DS1 and I both got sick Saturday.  Unfortunately, my mom may have caught it from me even though I barely saw her.  Guess it was enough.
More bad news--I saw on FB that MIL's car got dinged in a store parking lot. Looks like it was just the paint that cracked and the bumper bounced back.  I don't know if we'll ever hear the end of that.

[Lizard Queen]

Well, we got a one week reprieve is all.  She invited herself over again today.  I am really NOT in the mood to see her, as my mom is in the hospital for CHF/pneumonia.  I don't even have any dinner planned, so MIL is going to be out of luck in that regard.

[cronewitch]

Sorry your mom is sick, don't be home go see your mom and have dinner out alone let her son feed her or not.

[zibazinski]

I had a family member that seemed to invite themselves and stay and stay until it was meal time. Because I had kids, I HAD to feed them or suffer the consequences. Until the day I made other arrangements for my kids, with my girlfriends permission, to be at her house while DH and I did stuff around the house.  Family member showed up, we continued to work while she followed us around yakking at us. Finally gave that up when DH went to Home Depot for something and I went inside to get some stuff to work on another project. She then asked where the kids were! Said they were at a friends house. She actually then asked what plans we had for dinner! Told her I hadn't really made any because it was a huge project day but would probably grab something later on. DH totally stayed away until he was sure she was gone. Funny enough, no meal forth coming, she left. Pissed off I'm sure but she left and didn't pull it again.

[Lizard Queen]

Nov 2, 2014 16:06:10 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

Sorry your mom is sick, don't be home go see your mom and have dinner out alone let her son feed her or not.

Thanks. I saw my mom for an hour and a half earlier, and he really needed to rake the leaves in our yard, so I stayed home.  It was that, or rake them myself tomorrow, but I woke up this morning with my shoulder killing me.  He was outside working the whole time MIL was over. She talked to him out there for the first 15-20 minutes, then came in.  She must have noticed that I was feeling down--with my mom and under the weather, so she didn't bother me too much.  She hung out with the kids mostly for about an hour and left, so it wasn't too bad.  She mentioned that she had something in the slow cooker at home.  I told her that I gave up on trying to cook since nobody else wants to eat it anyway.  Ironically, we still got chicken tonight.
Fortunately, she'll be out of town next weekend.

[Lizard Queen]

Nov 2, 2014 16:41:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I had a family member that seemed to invite themselves and stay and stay until it was meal time. Because I had kids, I HAD to feed them or suffer the consequences. Until the day I made other arrangements for my kids, with my girlfriends permission, to be at her house while DH and I did stuff around the house.  Family member showed up, we continued to work while she followed us around yakking at us. Finally gave that up when DH went to Home Depot for something and I went inside to get some stuff to work on another project. She then asked where the kids were! Said they were at a friends house. She actually then asked what plans we had for dinner! Told her I hadn't really made any because it was a huge project day but would probably grab something later on. DH totally stayed away until he was sure she was gone. Funny enough, no meal forth coming, she left. Pissed off I'm sure but she left and didn't pull it again.

Wow--that takes a lot of nerve!  Should have asked her if she was offering to treat you to dinner for a change. 

[Lizard Queen]

Nov 2, 2014 17:00:19 GMT -5 @patstab said:

My MIL is lonely too, she bugs her neighbors, they say it doesn't bother them but  I can tell reading between the lines sometimes its does. She also gets upset if they leave and don't tell her. I would hate that. She only lives 3 miles away and is always dropping in.  I'm usually busy or sleeping in or something so it bugs me. Also she repeats herself over and over. She would be so much better off in assisted living but won't go. I've given up on offering her any advice, she won't listen.  Not sure what is going to happen to her. Would be very surprised if she ever goes to assisted living. But I'm leaving most winters so not sure what she will do. I will be 69 in March and enjoy going in the motorhome, not sure how many more years I can. I gave up a ggod job and vacation time for mom and DD and I'm not doing it again, to old now.  I can't do anything with her anyway so its going to be up to hubby. 

Sounds like she's lonely all right.  Are there any senior apartment complexes in your area?  We have a couple around here that are really nice, and priced much cheaper than assisted living.  They have beauty shops and a little grocery store on premises, as well as a cafeteria for people that don't want to cook.  The lady that altered my wedding dress lived in one of them.  The complexes also have bus trips to different places for the residents.