Marriage after 20+

[tloonya]

It is happened that I see a lot of couples who are living together 20+ years are having
marriage breakdown.
My husband used to tell me it is 3, 5 and 7 years together that are breakdown points if
marriage is not strong enough. But no one ever said 20+. People are divorcing or separating
and some getting back together very soon, some re-marrying.
I do not believe how many!
I say I would be afraid to end up alone at 48. Isnt it better to stay with a person YOU KNOW
than just try to be with person you don't?

Have anyone done this and why and how?

[billisonboard]

My father waited until us kids were on our own to leave but the marriage ended long before he moved out.

[zibazinski]

A lot of times the kids have left the nest or pretty close to leaving. I think there's a lot to be said regarding the mid life crisis. It isnt fun to get left at any age, hurts your pride as well as your wallet. The younger the better though.

[Bonny]

My parents split after 37 years of marriage due to another one of their financial crash and burns. Frankly I was surprised that they hadn't divorced earlier. They didn't work together well as partners and neither one would take responsibility for their failures. Starting over both financially and in the dating world at ages 58 and 60 wasn't easy. Both of them did find long-term boyfriend/girlfriends so at least they had companionship. I was very happy that they did.

[tloonya]

Oct 18, 2014 9:47:16 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

My father waited until us kids were on our own to leave but the marriage ended long before he moved out.

Would you rather he did earlier? Have you appreciate him hanging around?
Also I am always wondering do people leave in nowhere. When there is no one waiting for them?

[thyme4change]

Someone told me it was every 7 years.  7-14-21.  I don't know if that is true.  The interwebz says that the average for length of marriage, of the marriages that end in divorce, is 8 years.  So, there must be a bunch at the lower numbers to keep that average low.

20 years is a long time.  The fact that people don't feel like they are the same person at 50 then they were at 30 shouldn't surprise any of us.  Some people find a way to grow together, and some people don't.  

Of all the people I know that got divorced in their 40's - they have all gone on to meet the other people out there that divorced in their 40's and they all seem quite happy.  Anecdotal for sure.  But, it doesn't seem like the end of the world, I guess.

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2014 10:06:35 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Oct 18, 2014 9:47:16 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

My father waited until us kids were on our own to leave but the marriage ended long before he moved out.

Would you rather he did earlier? Have you appreciate him hanging around?
Also I am always wondering do people leave in nowhere. When there is no one waiting for them?

Why would you need someone waiting?  If you have a sucky marriage, single is still an improvement.  I think single is pretty awesome in a lot of ways.  There are drawbacks of course, but lots of pros too. 

[zibazinski]

It seems guys always have someone waiting. More often than women. I think DF would have reconciled with his EX even after what she pulled if I hadn't been in the picture. He can't be alone, it seems. I, on the other hand, relish being alone. Just depends on whether you're independent and happy with yourself. 

[billisonboard]

Oct 18, 2014 10:06:35 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Oct 18, 2014 9:47:16 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

My father waited until us kids were on our own to leave but the marriage ended long before he moved out.

Would you rather he did earlier? Have you appreciate him hanging around?
Also I am always wondering do people leave in nowhere. When there is no one waiting for them?

It made for good conversation with my friends in high school, the why is he sticking around. Not sure it would have made that much difference in my life. I

[tloonya]

Oct 18, 2014 10:16:08 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 18, 2014 10:06:35 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Would you rather he did earlier? Have you appreciate him hanging around?
Also I am always wondering do people leave in nowhere. When there is no one waiting for them?

Why would you need someone waiting?  If you have a sucky marriage, single is still an improvement.  I think single is pretty awesome in a lot of ways.  There are drawbacks of course, but lots of pros too. 

Most of the times I had heard that it is no excitement in marriage than sucky. Not at all remember anyone said 'sucky'. It was always more like 'stale' but no abuse or financial issues nor any of the bad stuff.
So I would say I would stay without excitement with my husband than to go look for crap.

[Peace77]

I recently heard about a couple that had lived together for over 20 years and then she left him.  She really wanted to be married and got tired of waiting for him to commit.

[Tennesseer]

Often times folks get divorced after the kids have grown and moved out.  What they discovered after the kids left was that the only thing they now had in common was the kids and nothing else.

[cronewitch]

I think people are often at a turning point at the end of 20 years. Mom was a housewife the first 20 years, dad a worker. So when the last kid left home they changed gears. Mom took a job, dad worked less, mom said she was going to live her life now he could like it or lump it. It could have ended the marriage if he didn't accept the changes. They stayed married but that time seemed dangerous, she didn't need him anymore. She wrote me a letter saying she was going to Spain, not we. She told dad she was going to Spain, not asked. He had a choice to go with her or not and said he didn't want to go, she bought one ticket. Before the trip he changed his mind so got himself a ticket. He knew she would have gone without him. A couple years later she decided to go to Germany and he didn't go. Mom had to do what he wanted when she wasn't working and had 3 little kids, she was past that. Divorce is easier after the kids are raised, seems like a good time to do it if the spouse doesn't like the changes you want to make.

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2014 13:44:34 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

I recently heard about a couple that had lived together for over 20 years and then she left him.  She really wanted to be married and got tired of waiting for him to commit.

Probable she better leave after give years!

[souldoubt]

Oct 18, 2014 14:19:45 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Often times folks get divorced after the kids have grown and moved out.  What they discovered after the kids left was that the only thing they now had in common was the kids and nothing else.

That and some people hold on that long just for the sake of their kids.  I know someone who was married for 30 years and as soon as the youngest graduated high school that summer he started the divorce proceedings while having a sit down with the kids to tell them.  Quite frankly he's a saint for lasting that long because his ex is really a terrible person down to her core. 

[Deleted]

I got divorced when I was 44 or 45 after almost 25 years of marriage.  We held together mostly for the kids but also because my ex didn't want to be divorced.  He still didn't when we did get divorced, but he didn't fight me this time.  He actually helped me, to be honest. 

We were two nice people with absolutely nothing in common except two fantastic kids.  When they grew up, there was nothing there.  Fortunately, I had my kids young.  My daughter was 21 or 22, and my son was 2 years younger. 

[mcsangel2]

Oct 18, 2014 14:19:45 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Often times folks get divorced after the kids have grown and moved out.  What they discovered after the kids left was that the only thing they now had in common was the kids and nothing else.

This was case for my in-laws. They had married young (23 and 18), and they split up when DH and his sister were in college.

[tloonya]

Oct 18, 2014 19:47:37 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

I got divorced when I was 44 or 45 after almost 25 years of marriage.  We held together mostly for the kids but also because my ex didn't want to be divorced.  He still didn't when we did get divorced, but he didn't fight me this time.  He actually helped me, to be honest. 

We were two nice people with absolutely nothing in common except two fantastic kids.  When they grew up, there was nothing there.  Fortunately, I had my kids young.  My daughter was 21 or 22, and my son was 2 years younger. 

What happened after divorce?

[tloonya]

Oct 18, 2014 14:21:17 GMT -5 @tiki said:

Oct 18, 2014 13:44:34 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

I recently heard about a couple that had lived together for over 20 years and then she left him.  She really wanted to be married and got tired of waiting for him to commit.

Probable she better leave after give years!

I had a client who waited for her fiancé to propose for 10 years! Everyone was yelling you wasting your life on him and one day she came to us with a HUMANGOUS rock on her finger and everyone was like...its worth waiting 10 years for!!!

He was just rich guy and didn't want to marry until he knew she was into him. Not his money...I guess.

[Deleted]

Oct 20, 2014 10:41:41 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Oct 18, 2014 19:47:37 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

I got divorced when I was 44 or 45 after almost 25 years of marriage.  We held together mostly for the kids but also because my ex didn't want to be divorced.  He still didn't when we did get divorced, but he didn't fight me this time.  He actually helped me, to be honest. 

We were two nice people with absolutely nothing in common except two fantastic kids.  When they grew up, there was nothing there.  Fortunately, I had my kids young.  My daughter was 21 or 22, and my son was 2 years younger. 

What happened after divorce?

We are still two nice people with absolutely nothing in common except two fantastic kids?

We both remarried . . . him about ten years ago, and me about five years ago.

[tloonya]

Oct 20, 2014 12:54:00 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

Oct 20, 2014 10:41:41 GMT -5 tloonya said:

What happened after divorce?

We are still two nice people with absolutely nothing in common except two fantastic kids?

We both remarried . . . him about ten years ago, and me about five years ago.

How did it go in terms of divorce proposal? Hon, do you think we have something in common? Let's get divorce.
Just like that? And what does it mean nothing in common? I am seriously curious. Thannks

[kittensaver]

I've been married for 31 years. It has most definitely not been 31 years of bliss, but then again I was not expecting it to be. We have been through a LOT together (aging and dying parents, messy family dynamics, raising other people's kids, financial ups and downs, major health issues for both of us) and we are "still here." We both discovered what we're made of when each of us got ill (I'm now recovered, he is better but still has issues). We both had to look at each other and decide whether or not we really meant it when we got up there all those years ago in front of family and friends and said those five little words "for better or for worse." We GOT some worse, but we've survived it. And I'm glad we did. Because neither of us took the easy way out, I feel like we are out on the other side of it - and better for it.

I'm really glad neither one of us bailed out. I probably WOULD have bailed on a deal-breaker issue (addiction, abuse, infidelity, etc) but none of those things came along. Fleeting pleasures (including heart-pounding physical intimacy) can be found with any number of people, but having someone who will stick around and love you through all the cr*p life throws at you is priceless.

When I was young, I thought "love" was that heart-pounding, hand-in-hand walk into the sunset of "bliss." Now I know love to be something very different: it is that thing that makes you want to protect the heart, soul and spirit of that other person the way you would protect your own. And sometimes, that is a deliberate choice (or sometimes even an act of sheer will when you have nothing else), not a "romantic" decision.

But as always: YMMV

[Deleted]

Oct 20, 2014 13:22:29 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Oct 20, 2014 12:54:00 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

We are still two nice people with absolutely nothing in common except two fantastic kids?

We both remarried . . . him about ten years ago, and me about five years ago.

How did it go in terms of divorce proposal? Hon, do you think we have something in common? Let's get divorce.
Just like that? And what does it mean nothing in common? I am seriously curious. Thannks

You are trivializing a painful process.  Society has set us up to see divorce as a failure.  If we just tried harder, we could make it work.  Uh, no, we can't.

Meanwhile, think you and me, Loony.  We have nothing in common except this message board.  You didn't need me to tell you that, did you?