busymom
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Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
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Post by busymom on Oct 20, 2014 11:05:39 GMT -5
Actually, our parents (at least our moms) DID have an outlet. At least in my old neighborhood, all of the ladies used to get together one evening a month just to sit, knit, do needlework, snack & gossip. I think it was a GREAT outlet for my Mom, as she used to look forward to that group.
I don't mind if my DD reads my posts. In fact, she's already read some of my stuff. And yes, she thinks a lot of us are fun/crazy!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 20, 2014 11:20:02 GMT -5
Other than turning people into narcissists and alienating us from the actual people in our lives, I'm not sure that venting anonymously online really does much.
Totally disagree. I've heard several special needs kids parents say that before the internet, their brethren really suffered not having people to talk with who knew what they were going through and could offer support and advice from a position of knowledge. Which makes all the sense. And even as a parent of a non-special needs child, I've found online parenting support to be invaluable. It's rare for people to say in person that they find parenting a struggle, that there are days when they wish they hadn't had kids, days when they hate their kids. But online, people feel freer to say things like that and it's a huge relief knowing that you're not alone if you don't feel magical unicorn rainbow parenting feelings all the time. Today you can find a support group for practically anything. For example, if I were in Formerly SK's place I think I would personally feel very stuck without the internet and the resources to be found there. Yes, there's library research and real-life support groups but having a transgendered child isn't exactly the most common issue to have and most people aren't going to know firsthand what it's like to experience it. She and her family have the option of visiting online support groups, chat rooms, hearing stories all over the world - hell, even finding that YouTube video that so inspired her son. I wouldn't presume to speak for her but for ME, having access to all that would make a huge difference. Just because it's a resource our parents didn't have and "made it fine" without doesn't mean our lives aren't greatly improved by it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 20, 2014 11:26:18 GMT -5
No, I wouldn't let the kids read this only bc I wouldn't want them to know how much I REALLY really really don't like and don't respect my IL's.
Otherwise, I don't say anything on here that I wouldn't say in RL
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 20, 2014 11:26:45 GMT -5
Also, the freedom of knowing you're not alone encourages people to speak up more in real life. I've found this to be true on several topics. Opening up online encourages me to be more honest in my daily life because I know that the things I'm saying aren't completely insane (and don't mean I'm a bad person).
Again, the mom thing is a good example of this. No way would I have felt free to say out loud to anyone (other than perhaps DH) that I had a lot of trouble bonding with my kid after the disaster that was her birth. That I constantly felt trapped and like I'd made a giant mistake, and so forth.
But because I know from online support that these feelings aren't at all unusual, it's helped me to open up more in real life about it and be more honest with fellow parents, which in turn allows them to be more honest. And at least two friends who don't have children have mentioned that they're glad I'm so "open" about non rainbows-and-sunshine parts of motherhood because they know better what to expect someday if they decide to have kids of their own.
I can definitely draw a direct link from the online support I received as a new mom to the good, honest, real life communication that eventually developed. And that's true of even more serious topics as well - rape, death, serious illnesses of loved ones.
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tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 11:53:34 GMT -5
Sitting in your living room with your neighbors isn't anonymous. They know exactly who you are, where you live, and probably who you're talking about. That's the whole point. Prior to computer screens you had no way to talk to people without them knowing who you were. Confession is supposed to be anonymous, right? So you, catholics have it for ever!
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tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
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Post by tloonya on Oct 20, 2014 11:56:07 GMT -5
Is it? No previous generations had an outlet to do so. They seemed to do fine. The internet is the only technology that allows for 'anonymous' communication. Prior to it you either talked directly to people that knew who you were or kept your trap shut. Other than turning people into narcissists and alienating us from the actual people in our lives, I'm not sure that venting anonymously online really does much. Actually you could make a letter with cut out of newspaper words and send it to a person with no return address. But you wouldn't know the reaction like we have here.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 20, 2014 16:13:25 GMT -5
Support groups are an interesting example. The whole point of them are to [meet and] engage with real people who are facing similar struggles.
I personally feel that the bracketed part is now optional. It's just a matter of time until AA meetings are held via web chat (if they're not already), especially now that smartphones are becoming more commonplace and every laptop has a camera.
As I said, I think technology is changing the nature of support groups but the function is still exactly the same - to get in touch with people who are going through the same thing you are so you can help each other. Technology helps accomplish that a lot more efficiently, especially if you are struggling with some particularly rare issue.
Yes, there are advantages to real-time interaction. But there are disadvantages too. For example, if you're a private person and don't feel comfortable sharing emotions with random strangers, an online forum might actually be better for you than a traditional support group. You can sit there and bawl your eyes out as you read what people say and no one ever has to know.
It works because you have to have the balls to get up and share your story and feelings with real people, you have a personal connection with your sponsor, and real people that you get to know at the meetings will hold you accountable if you fall off the wagon.
You don't *have* to do any of that. You could attend a thousand AA meetings and never say a single word. You could walk out halfway through. No one is going force you to stay in your seat. And your sponsor isn't going to "hold you accountable" in the sense that they're going to check in with you every day to ask if you've been drinking. They're available to support you when you ask for it, but if you decide you don't want help, they're not going to chase you around trying to talk you into it. Plus, a good deal of sponsor-sponsee support is over the phone.
I'm not saying it's not a good idea for the meetings to be held in person, but I don't think the program would automatically fail if they did have online meetings.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 20, 2014 16:39:49 GMT -5
Online you can lurk forever and nobody even knows you're there to get you to open up.
True but if you're ready to change, you'll open up. That's my point. The program only works for people who are ready to change and want to change. That's true whether they meet online or in person.
Did you ever read the Terri thread back on old MSN? Several people suggested she attend Al-Anon to deal with her husband's drinking, but she wasn't able to do that because the nearest meeting was 30 minutes away and late at night when her kids were asleep. I'm sure she would have been pleased for an online alternative to Al-Anon, especially if it was a video chat type thing where she could see everyone and they could see her. So there's a specific example of a person who could have been really helped by an online equivalent to Al-Anon when the "real thing" wasn't available to her.
Online obviously isn't ALWAYS better than in person support, but it's surely better than nothing.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Oct 22, 2014 11:04:54 GMT -5
I left this board up yesterday (I don't like the way my FireFox is set to open the last page viewed.) and DH got a look at it.
He about freaked out because everyone was listed as "Infected". He was sure I had acquired a nasty computer virus from you guys.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 22, 2014 11:11:47 GMT -5
I left this board up yesterday (I don't like the way my FireFox is set to open the last page viewed.) and DH got a look at it.
He about freaked out because everyone was listed as "Infected". He was sure I had acquired a nasty computer virus from you guys. Did you tell him it is contagious when people sneak a peek so he best beware
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 22, 2014 13:15:38 GMT -5
Yeah... 30 miles away at night, away from her kids while her husband was getting drunk... or maybe while he was at the bar. Not to mention the fact that her kids would freak out if they woke up and she wasn't there. That sounds like a good situation to me.
In Terri's shoes, there's no way I would have been willing to leave my kids for 2+ hours at night (1 hour for travel, 1 hour for the meeting). Am I supposed to tell my husband where I'm going and expect him to say "Sure, honey that's fine"? Any support I might have received at that meeting would have been far outweighed by the fact that I would have been having a freaking panic attack the whole way there and back thinking about what my drunk, high, mentally ill, highly unstable shitshow of a husband might have been doing with my kids.
So again, I do feel there's a good chance she might have attended... if she could have gone in an online forum where she could keep it from him and didn't have to leave her kids alone. In her specific situation, I think it was totally unrealistic for her to attend those meetings in person.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 22, 2014 13:27:36 GMT -5
Honestly, even if it was 10 minutes away, I wouldn't have expected her to attend at night in the context of her entire situation. It would have been dangerous and irresponsible of her to leave her children with that man at night when he was habitually drunk/high. She said many times that she didn't trust him to take care of them for more than about an hour at a time in the mornings (when he was presumably sober, or pretty close).
And even if he could be trusted with the kids in that state, telling him that she wanted to attend an Al-Anon meeting would have gone over like a lead balloon.
Yes, she waffled and made a lot of excuses but I learned a lot from that thread about the patterns of abusive women. She made a lot of progress in adjusting her perspective during the 6 or so weeks that thread went on. You can't expect a person to completely snap out of 20+ years of abuse and bad treatment in a few weeks.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Oct 22, 2014 13:30:59 GMT -5
Yeah, I suppose she could have brought the kids with her. But if it was way past their usual bedtime (which she said it was), then you're talking about disrupting their routines in a pretty big way once a week. Those kids were already scared shitless of being without her. Their lives were scary and unpredictable as it was, I can't see having their bedtimes screwed with to attend a meeting with Mommy making it any better.
And she still would have had the issue of explaining her whereabouts to her unpredictable husband.
I see what you're saying but again, my whole point was that she's a person who could have been well served by an online alternative. She said many times that the thread was instrumental in helping her to realign her perspective and see her situation more clearly. Al-Anon could have helped her continue on that path.
I really wish we knew what had happened to her.
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