Daycare... or SAHD

[Pants]

If you are seriously considering a SAHP I would also negotiate your expectations for other household responsibilities up front. In some households the expectation is that the SAHP does most or all of the housework as well. In others it's still a more equal split. You should talk about what works for you and expect it to change over time.

Also, given that people in the church of LDS tend to have larger families, you should also think about what your long term plan is if that is on your agenda.A 1-bed apt prob won't work if you end up having a larger family. 

[yogiii]

Oct 16, 2014 8:29:37 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

Oct 16, 2014 6:34:09 GMT -5 yogiii said:

I kind of cringe at people who know they want to work or want to stay home before they even have a baby (not saying that is the case with you guys).  I've known multiple examples where it worked out exactly the opposite once the baby arrived (parent felt isolated at home vs. the happy SAH they'd idealized or work obsessed person had a hard time leaving baby for so many hours a day). 

I feel like I've done just about all the roles.  I took almost 6 months off with my first, then returned to work full time.  When I had my 2nd, I took off a full year (had both kids at home with my 3y/o going to preschool 5 hours/week, so essentially a SAHM to both for a year).  Now my kids are almost 1.5 and 4.5 and I'm working 3 days/week but will return to full time when they are 2 and 5.  My husband likes Mondays and Fridays because those are the days I'm home and things are much less stressful for him.  When I work I'm out of the house before the kids are even up so he has to wrestle getting the two of them dressed, fed, etc and off to where they need to go on his own.  He enjoyed when I was home for a year for the same reason.  Even though I don't particularly like my job, we decided it was better for us to both work.  We're very risk adverse in this way and I guess we'd rather try to earn up and save now so if one of us does get let go from our job, or wants to stay home later to take care of an ailing parent, or just wants to stop the grind etc, we'll hopefully have the option to do so.

Being at home all day with the kids is very challenging as well.  My DH would not be able to do it, he'll admit that on his own.  He's a very involved father, will take off an hour in the middle of the day to go to my son's Halloween party at pre-K, takes him to soccer on the weekends, etc but that's so much different than being home with your kid all day.  It's a tough decision, talk it over some more with him and try to have a back up plan in place for whatever you decide in case it turns out to be not the best fit when baby actually arrives. 

because for some of us it's not an option so there's no point in even entertaining the idea of staying home if somehow you even decided you wanted to.

Yes, but it appears she is entertaining it ...

[Angel!]

Oct 16, 2014 9:04:21 GMT -5 Pants said:

If you are seriously considering a SAHP I would also negotiate your expectations for other household responsibilities up front. In some households the expectation is that the SAHP does most or all of the housework as well. In others it's still a more equal split. You should talk about what works for you and expect it to change over time.

  In my experience it is very easy for both parties to feel overworked & underappreciated when there is a SAHP.  The SAHP feels like the other parent thinks they don't do anything & just play all day, not realizing caring for a baby & the house can be exhausting & you feel you never get a break.  The working parent feels like they are getting the short end of the stick because they don't necessarily want to go to work everyday & it is more frustrating when you see the other parent getting to stay home & relax day in & day out.

For some reason that dynamic can be much harder than having both parents work. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mutt, I agree that staying home is also a largely an emotional decision. If it's really what you want then you will find a way to make it work.

I was commenting more on the financial angle.   The sticker shock of daycare tends to make you think "Shoot it'd be cheaper/save more to stay home" but that isn't always the case once you break it down.  Don't make the decision to stay home just because you got a glimpse of your potential future daycare bill. Really look at your finances and all the non-paycheck perks.   You may have more than you realize.

We didn't know we could afford daycare till we did it.   For us financially it makes more sense for us to both work.  When I look at my overall compensation package and not just at my net income, we stand to lose A LOT if I quit working.   Same with DH.    Net income wise daycare hurts like a mofo but when we factor in everything else daycare isn't as big a burden as it appears on paper.

Emotionally neither one of us have ever had the strong desire to stay home, but DH would have been willing to make it work if it's what I really wanted and vice versa.

[gooddecisions]

Oct 16, 2014 9:45:35 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Oct 16, 2014 9:04:21 GMT -5 Pants said:

For some reason that dynamic can be much harder than having both parents work. 

My thoughts as well. Neither one of us love working or want to work, who knows what resentful feelings would have reared its head if one of us quit to stay at home. In a perfect world, both parents are in 100% agreement and totally supportive of the others role. Regardless, I know I would not have handled me being the sole income earner well at all. Seeing my partner in sweats all day and not having to deal with real deadlines, office politics and the general headache of working and fantasizing about what it would be like to play with the baby I carried for 9 months all day would have sent my hormones into over-drive.

It might have worked out okay if I stayed at home, but I also know that I would be very resentful if my efforts in child-raising and house-keeping went completely unrecognized and unappreciated. I already feel resentful at times when I'm running around simultaneously doing laundry, feeding a baby, keeping a toddler happy and cooking after work while he's laying on the couch napping (it's not always like that, some days he cooks and plays with the kids, but the feelings are still there). But, that's my hang-up and not everyone experiences those emotions and not every relationship has those issues. That said, there are 1000s of blogs out there about it from every new and been there done that mom, so it must not be a totally foreign reaction either.

[zibazinski]

In this day of uncertainty, no way would I quit any job without the sure thing of another. It's ONE child and a small space. Easily handled at this point. If you decide to have lots more and move to a larger space, it can be revisited. 

[Deleted]

We have a day now and again, but for the most part we both like having a family where one parent stays home. I don't think sharing responsibilities is any more or less occasionally frustrating than for anyone else. We also constantly reevaluate where we are and if we have is working/what we want...

[muttleynfelix]

Oct 16, 2014 14:52:17 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I know I will get blasted for this. But I can't believe the people that do without things in their lives they need to tithe to a church. I can't imagine a God that would expect us to do so. I'm sure with you this is nonnegotiable but sure would make things better for your child.

I didn't read past that when I saw how much you were giving. Sorry couldn't deprive my family to do that.

That money would help with daycare.

Good luck, hope it works out.

If you are a regular attender of church, then you are using the resources of the church.  Besides the charities that it supports, most churches have paid pastor, they have building that requires insurance to be paid (at a minimum), you need to pay for electric and water of these buildings. As well as upkeep to the building.  There is also Sunday School material.  These are all services that a regular attendee of church utilizes.  I don't understand why some people think all of that is free because it is a church.   I really don't know what you think the OP is doing without because she tithes.   

[raeoflyte]

Oct 16, 2014 16:11:20 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Oct 16, 2014 14:52:17 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I know I will get blasted for this. But I can't believe the people that do without things in their lives they need to tithe to a church. I can't imagine a God that would expect us to do so. I'm sure with you this is nonnegotiable but sure would make things better for your child.

I didn't read past that when I saw how much you were giving. Sorry couldn't deprive my family to do that.

That money would help with daycare.

Good luck, hope it works out.

If you are a regular attender of church, then you are using the resources of the church.  Besides the charities that it supports, most churches have paid pastor, they have building that requires insurance to be paid (at a minimum), you need to pay for electric and water of these buildings. As well as upkeep to the building.  There is also Sunday School material.  These are all services that a regular attendee of church utilizes.  I don't understand why some people think all of that is free because it is a church.   I really don't know what you think the OP is doing without because she tithes.   

10% of your gross income is a healthy chunk of change.  I'm not arguing why she chooses to do it, but putting that back in her budget could make quite a difference.  

[ambellamy]

Oct 16, 2014 16:46:22 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Oct 16, 2014 16:11:20 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

If you are a regular attender of church, then you are using the resources of the church.  Besides the charities that it supports, most churches have paid pastor, they have building that requires insurance to be paid (at a minimum), you need to pay for electric and water of these buildings. As well as upkeep to the building.  There is also Sunday School material.  These are all services that a regular attendee of church utilizes.  I don't understand why some people think all of that is free because it is a church.   I really don't know what you think the OP is doing without because she tithes.   

10% of your gross income is a healthy chunk of change.  I'm not arguing why she chooses to do it, but putting that back in her budget could make quite a difference.  

We don't go without because we tithe. Last year we maxed out 2 Roth IRA's on our income because we normally just save most of my husband's income and live off mine... and while our church is an unpaid clergy, there are expenses to somethings that our tithe money covers like taxes on buildings and utilities, etc.... It also helps with humanitarian aid around the world and providing food for the bishop's storehouse, which goes to families that are having trouble meeting their needs and need assistance.  The church owns and runs cannery's and other public services open to members and nonmembers so some of our money goes to these things. I've never felt the inclination to stop giving... we have found as a family, that when we pay our church tithe, blessings come that save us actual money and help us meet our obligations and save for a rainy day. A neighbor randomly coming over and giving us $300 worth of flee/heart worm medication for our dog because his sister just moved out and her dog isn't at their home anymore and its the same brand and weight class our dog is currently taking... just hands us it for free... there have been times when we needed something and someone from our church just happened to be getting rid of it and gives it to us for free... 

I don't want the post to get side tracked, so i'll just leave it at that. People will have their opinions on the matter and that's fine. 

But I'm loving the discussion and the questions that are coming up. I'm only 16 weeks along so this is all good discussion stuff and its giving me a lot of information!

[steph08]

Get on the daycare wait list, don't make any SAHD decisions until you have been back to work at least one month. 

I never thought I would want to stay at home, but after having my DD, I think I could have done it, but it isn't in our budget. But now being back at work for six weeks, I am glad to be back and have adult interaction! But I also only go into the office three days/week so that is nice. I find it to be a good balance. 

Also so far I have found, at least with my DH, they are at a loss when the baby is crying or fussy. My DH can't hand the baby over to me fast enough! He is super awesome with her, but he can't stand (as in he gets upset) when she is upset or crying. He says it breaks his heart, the big softie! 

But it my point is, you really don't know what kind of parent you will be until the kid is here, so get on the list for daycare, continue on with your lives, and if daycare doesn't feel right, then make the switch to SAHD if your DH is up to it once he experiences life with a newborn. Nothing really prepares you for it (my DD is three months old so we are still learning!). 

[mskay]

Oct 16, 2014 20:11:04 GMT -5 steph08 said:

Get on the daycare wait list, don't make any SAHD decisions until you have been back to work at least one month. 

But it my point is, you really don't know what kind of parent you will be until the kid is here, so get on the list for daycare, continue on with your lives, and if daycare doesn't feel right, then make the switch to SAHD if your DH is up to it once he experiences life with a newborn. Nothing really prepares you for it (my DD is three months old so we are still learning!). 

It's good that your husband is planning a trial run just make sure that you sign up for daycare since at least in LA it can be almost a 12 month wait.

Congrats!

[Deleted]

Oct 16, 2014 9:15:11 GMT -5 yogiii said:

Oct 16, 2014 8:29:37 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

because for some of us it's not an option so there's no point in even entertaining the idea of staying home if somehow you even decided you wanted to.

Yes, but it appears she is entertaining it ...

my point was that you said 'I kind of cringe at people who know they want to work or want to stay home before they even have a baby' and I said that for some people it wasn't an option so they knew that they were going back to work or staying at home and it didn't matter how much their heart said to do x when the only option was y.

[Deleted]

It's always an option. It just isn't alway worth prioritizing over other things. 

[Deleted]

Oct 17, 2014 14:12:58 GMT -5 oped said:

It's always an option. It just isn't alway worth prioritizing over other things. 

yes if living in a cardboard under a bridge counts as having options, you're right, it's always an option

[TheHaitian]

Oct 17, 2014 14:12:58 GMT -5 oped said:

It's always an option. It just isn't alway worth prioritizing over other things. 

I don't think a single parent have much of a choice in regards to staying home with their kids and going back to work.

[Deleted]

You don't know any single parents who don't work? I do. 

[ambellamy]

UPDATE:

My husband and I have been reading through the thread and talking and asking eachother about all the topics you have brought up.  So thank you for all contributing

We are going to continue to look for a place that fits our budget of around 1,050 a month for 4 days a week of care. If its going to cost us anymore than that, my husband would like to do a "test" run of being a SAHD by taking paternity time for 6-8 weeks since his employer should allow that under California state law. If its a good fit for him and our family emotionally, financially, and physically for all members involved, He will look for Part time work in the evenings on the days I do the early shifts so we will still have some extra money coming in to help us and our budget work out each month.

We did the math and after taxes and other stuff, his continued employment only comes out to an extra $5k of disposable income for us as a family... and at that point he could earn that through Part time work, even at minimum wage.  If we find something for $1050 or less, then it makes more since for him to work and he likes that plan... but if being a SAHD is not a good fit, we will fork out the money for the more expensive care. I found a few places listed at 1,200 a month (which is also how much it would cost us to hire a nanny for 30 hours a week and have it be legal and legit by making her a household employee and not a 1099 contractor)... so as long as we go on a couple wait lists at some places when we start checking them out (made a list today of some in the local area), we hope that should work.

Essentially, he doesn't want to use my monthly income to pay for any daycare costs unless we have ruled out that it doesn't work out for our family dynamic for him to stay home.

Feel free to keep the chat going and offering more advice on the matter tho. I've learned a lot from these boards and the various opinions of others

[Pants]

Not to rain on your parade, but your husband may end up taking paternity leave just to get you off the wait list. Average wait for an infant is 12 months, which pretty much means you need to call as soon as the stick turns pink...

[Deleted]

The daycare wait times really depends on the area. In St.Louis, there were some that was as long as 18 months+, some were available immediately. In Houston, some have waitlists, some are available right away.

I understand your income is limited but if i were you i wouldnt pick the daycare based on cheapest. This is your child you are finding care for. All it takes is one incident for a lifetime of regret. If you cannot afford a decent place, i would think your church would be understanding if you temporarily cut back on your tithe (assuming you don't go the SAHP route).

[Deleted]

I never thought of being a SAHP. But now that i have a kid, i think i wouldn't mind going to PT to spend more time with him. Unfortunately i am the only provider for him so while i have the PT option and could afford it but would have to cut back too much, i cannot do it. But opinions definitely change after you have a baby, and after a while being a parent.

[ambellamy]

Oct 19, 2014 14:40:04 GMT -5 @bunnysmom said:

The daycare wait times really depends on the area. In St.Louis, there were some that was as long as 18 months+, some were available immediately. In Houston, some have waitlists, some are available right away.

I understand your income is limited but if i were you i wouldnt pick the daycare based on cheapest. This is your child you are finding care for. All it takes is one incident for a lifetime of regret. If you cannot afford a decent place, i would think your church would be understanding if you temporarily cut back on your tithe (assuming you don't go the SAHP route).

We aren't picking the cheapest place.

If we can find a place in our budget that we feel comfortable with, we will wait list for it... If we find a place outside our budget that we love, we will waitlist for it as well... that way we have options if my hubby tries out being a SAHD and we realize its not a good fit... 

[gooddecisions]

I didn't have any problems at all finding a daycare in my area. The one I ultimately went with and loved, didn't even have a wait list- I was 9 months pregnant when I toured them.

I loved staying home with my babies on maternity leave. And, it was all I could do to make it through that first year without quitting. It is easy watching 1 baby- you can take one with you anywhere and watch whatever you want on t.v. You never have to choose which kid's needs come first. Once she became a whiney toddler, I'm pulling my hair out on the weekends. This morning, I said I would get her some cereal and she whined "no, I don't want cereal, I don't like it!" Fine, I'll get you something else. I return with yogurt, "mommy, I want cereal!" ugh! And, repeat for 13 hours on Saturday and another 13 hours on Sunday. I plan so much fun stuff for us to do and it turns into tears and whining. And, my poor 6 month old gets the shaft since I'm always having to attend to the toddler. So far, I'm hating 3.

My point is, I agree that your feelings might change as the baby changes.

[yogiii]

Oct 20, 2014 9:41:57 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

I didn't have any problems at all finding a daycare in my area. The one I ultimately went with and loved, didn't even have a wait list- I was 9 months pregnant when I toured them.

I loved staying home with my babies on maternity leave. And, it was all I could do to make it through that first year without quitting. It is easy watching 1 baby- you can take one with you anywhere and watch whatever you want on t.v. You never have to choose which kid's needs come first. Once she became a whiney toddler, I'm pulling my hair out on the weekends. This morning, I said I would get her some cereal and she whined "no, I don't want cereal, I don't like it!" Fine, I'll get you something else. I return with yogurt, "mommy, I want cereal!" ugh! And, repeat for 13 hours on Saturday and another 13 hours on Sunday. I plan so much fun stuff for us to do and it turns into tears and whining. And, my poor 6 month old gets the shaft since I'm always having to attend to the toddler. So far, I'm hating 3.

My point is, I agree that your feelings might change as the baby changes.

IMO 3 was really awful and 4 is a lot better.  The problem is now my 4 y/o is getting the shaft because my 1.5 y/o DEMANDS all the attention.  I'm sure that swing is going to always exist though.  But good luck with the 3s, it does get better.

[Deleted]

A lot of the time communication barriers increase tantrums, why 2-3 tend to be worse. 

[Sam_2.0]

Oct 20, 2014 23:38:32 GMT -5 oped said:

A lot of the time communication barriers increase tantrums, why 2-3 tend to be worse. 

Or you have the kid that communicates exactly what she wants and turns into a little b!tch when I say no. "You LIKE it! You NEED my attitude!"

Some days there just isnt enough wine in the house after she goes to bed.

[murphath]

I'm not LDS but our first daycare provider was--better yet, she lived next door.  In our neck of the woods, (SF Bay Area), it appears as though most of the LDS moms stay home with their kids.  Especially since they usually have larger families.  Do you know anyone at your ward who stays home and wants to make a some money by watching one more baby?  Or are they also charging market rate?  We were fortunate that our neighbor charged us less than half the going rate--she just loved babies.

[bobosensei]

I agree with murphath.  Someone from your church that is a SAHP might need the income boost watching your kid provides, and they might take less than market rate to do so.  Plus I assume having similar faith and values would be a plus for you.

[Shooby]

It isn't all or nothing. It isn't SAHM vs daycare. Could one of u negotiate different hours , shifts or weekends? Or change jobs todidifferent shift? Or work part time when the other parent is home and use some daycare or babysitter to fill those gaps