My ex died this morning...

[quince]

I got a call from the medical examiner because I was listed as his next of kin.  I gave some info, but I don't have his family's contact information, so don't think I was much help.

He was 38.

What's normal for grieving for friends or acquaintances?  He wasn't part of my day to day life, but I reactivated a phone number in his area code so he could call me easily when in the hospital or a facility if he needed someone to talk to. I sent him small gifts now and then to let him know someone cared that he was alive.

I'm not crippled with grief, but something hurts, and I keep metaphorically poking at it like a kid pushing on a bruise or picking at a scab.

His life was probably the opposite of awesome, but he still got enjoyment out of things. I think I'd feel differently if he'd wanted to die- but he wanted to live. I spoke with him last week and he talked about going to rehab and regaining some mobility- maybe being able to walk with a walker again, and now there's a space in the universe where there used to be a person.

[plugginaway22]

aww, that is sad, I am sorry for you.
It is normal for you to hurt when you lost someone who was a part of your life!

[Shooby]

I am sorry to hear that quince. My condolences.

[atlast30]

Quince,

I am sorry for your loss.  I am not surprised that you are feeling sad.   I dated a guy for seven years before we broke up in 2006 on really bad terms.  While we are absolutely not friends and the extent of our communication is a text on each others' birthday, I know that a part of me would be sad if he passed.  He is someone that I cared deeply for and was in love with at one time, long ago.  I do not think that you ever truly stop caring for a person even when you move on with your life.

[taz157]

Sept 27, 2014 19:19:17 GMT -5 Shooby said:

I am sorry to hear that quince. My condolences.

Yeah that.

[haapai]

You have my condolences.  What you are going through is completely normal. 

Do you wish to be a part of the family's mourning rituals?  Do you know the family? 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

My deepest condolences - when my DH passed (we were separated at the time), I grieved terribly - it was even more difficult, since if he hadn't decided to live such a risky lifestyle in the last couple of years, he'd still be here with me - and healthy. It's been almost 2 yrs, and I still think of him daily - your grief for your ex is understandable. We can't forget the past we had with them.

[shanendoah]

*hugs* My condolences. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it's as individual as the relationship between the two people.
Know that we, as a board, are here for you.

[Deleted]

Sorry for your loss quince. 

[Artemis Windsong]

You expressed your kindness and it was appreciated.  My condolences for your loss.

You expressed the gap in your life so vividly.  I am touched. 

A grief speaker said that grief is like putting that person in parenthesis as you mourn.  The focus of attention.  There may be several places in mourning for you but there is only one you can mourn at a time.  A person can move among the layers of parenthesis.  The mourning for your ex causes you too remember other people/pets/etc. that you are mourning.

There is no right way nor wrong way to mourn nor length of time.  It is individualized.  A person will think they have come to terms with mourning and a remembrance will be touched. 

You will see a person who reminds you of them or a word, place, song.

Maybe you will have the opportunity to go to grief counseling.  It is helpful.  After all, you did share part of your life with this person.

Blessings to you during this time. 

[quince]

One of the things that was really sad when talking to the ME was when she asked about his family.

Mother=Deceased
Brother=Abusive/Estranged
Father=Abusive/Estranged
Remaining family was low contact because he burned a lot of bridges...

She also asked me if I would want his ashes if she was unable to reach any of his family. I said yes, but after talking to my husband am rethinking it. We're not really sentimental people so not sure what I would do with them. I just don't like to think of him being alone in life and then unwanted in death. 

And yeah, he was largely the cause of his early demise. I also know you can't fix other people, and can't even really make them want to fix themselves, but that doesn't stop a person from feeling guilt that they are not all-powerful and all-knowing.

[Deleted]

What was something he got enjoyment out of? 

[sapphire12]

My condolences Quince.

I can empathize with once loving someone, but knowing you aren't compatible because they won't get it together. It's unfortunate really.

[quince]

He liked good coffee, food...anime. WWE.  Listening to the last two, mostly, because his sight was nearly gone from badly managed glaucoma.

Korean food. Music. Marijuana.  

He was looking forward to getting out of rehab and drinking some more of the coffee I sent him and getting the chocolates that had arrived in the mail.

[mmhmm]

I'm so sorry, quince. I can certainly understand why you would grieve the loss. You loved him once. That love is still there, just not active. It's good he has you to care. Everyone deserves that.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

She also asked me if I would want his ashes if she was unable to reach any of his family. I said yes, but after talking to my husband am rethinking it. We're not really sentimental people so not sure what I would do with them. I just don't like to think of him being alone in life and then unwanted in death.

And yeah, he was largely the cause of his early demise. I also know you can't fix other people, and can't even really make them want to fix themselves, but that doesn't stop a person from feeling guilt that they are not all-powerful and all-knowing.

That was the case with my DH, quince. My DH was cremated - I didn't want to have the urn in my possession, but wanted to give him a final resting place.

I had a Catholic internment performed for him (since he was Catholic, and it was the proper thing to do for him), at his parents' gravesite. His urn was interred into the same plot as his parents in a simple ceremony/prayer service.

He was re-united with the people who gave him life. Seemed like the right thing to do - for him.

[Jaguar]

My condolences quince.

[Works4me]

Condolences.

Could you maybe have him interned with his deceased mother? Or maybe have his ashes scattered at sea or someplace that he liked or that meant something to him?

Just because we are divorced does not mean we don't still love someone - took me a long time to understand and accept that fact.

[Angel!]

I am so sorry. I fear I will be getting a similar call in the next few years.

[Nazgul Girl]

   I'm very sorry, quince.   I know that it would be somewhat hard for me if my ex passed.   I spent about 24 years with him and we had a child together.   Luckily, he has remarried and is 99% out of my life, and our daughter would be called if his wife was not in the picture, so I will not get a call from the ME about his death.   Our daughter would be devastated if she got a call like that about his death, though.   

[Nazgul Girl]

   Also, I wanted to say that you were very kind to him.

[quince]

Thank you all for being so kind- my husband was aware and supportive of my friendship with my ex, but it's a bit weird to me to be fretting about the death of my ex to my spouse. 

I hope his family takes his ashes so I don't have to worry about it- but I will have a plan in place in case I get a call. I have no idea where his mother is interred or if she was cremated and the ashes kept by one of her siblings.  

[Jake 48]

hugs and prayers, your a good person for caring. I would scatter his ashes someplace that he enjoyed. from the sounds of it your his only family.

[milee]

You're a kind person, Quince.

It sounds like if nobody claims his ashes, that would bother you.  Can you think of a low stress way to scatter them in a place that would be meaningful to DH? That way you ensure that you won't feel guilty or think about his unclaimed ashes, but won't be stuck with the ongoing burden of storing them. There has to be some place he enjoyed or found beautiful or that you know he might not have been to but would enjoy or find beautiful were he to go. Or, if he had a good sense of humor, someplace he'd find amusing that you left him.

Whatever you decide, I'm sending best wishes to you for being a good person.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry Quince. And I agree with the others about you being a good and caring person. 

I like the idea of scattering the ashes, if no one else takes them. 

[Deleted]

Sept 27, 2014 20:41:20 GMT -5 quince said:

He liked good coffee, food...anime. WWE.  Listening to the last two, mostly, because his sight was nearly gone from badly managed glaucoma.

Korean food. Music. Marijuana.  

He was looking forward to getting out of rehab and drinking some more of the coffee I sent him and getting the chocolates that had arrived in the mail.

I was trying to think of a place to scatter his ashes that related to something he liked.... Hmm.

[Deleted]

Quince, I'll add my voice to the group saying it's normal. My Ex was also the cause of his own demise; alcohol abuse had resulted in his being estranged from just about everyone, and living several states away. It was a miracle that we heard when he was near the end. In our case, DS (age 26 at the time) was nearest kin and had to make DNR decisions and agree to cremation. My ex-SIL (Ex's sister) was wonderful about everything and eventually DS flew to NY and the family scattered his ashes over the Atlantic, which I know he would have wanted. DH contributed a CD of pictures of my Ex that I'd pulled from all our old photos and two of my Ex's Aunts write thank-you notes to DH (yeah, their nephew's replacement) saying how much they appreciated it. They're nice ladies.

Can you scatter his ashes over his mother's grave?

It's good to remember whatever his good qualities were that attracted you to him in the first place, and to mourn the premature ending of a life. And it sounds like you're fortunate enough to have a husband who understood your need to stay in touch with him and offer some support with appropriate boundaries.

I still post one of the pictures of my Ex from the happier days on FB on his birthday and the anniversary of the day he died. In a couple of weeks when I visit DS, Sunday lunch after church will just happen to be his father's birthday, and I plan to add a prayer for him into our pre-lunch grace. (Which I'll tell DS beforehand, but I'm sure he'll agree.) You'll develop your own appropriate ways of remembering your Ex. Of course he'll always occupy a little corner of your brain and you just have to decide what works best for you (and your husband).

[Deleted]

I am very sorry for your loss.  Even though you were not together, it is painful to think never seeing again someone you once cared about.  Thank you for sharing that grief with us.

[Anne_in_VA]

I am so sorry for your loss quince. What you're feeling is normal. If you must take his ashes, then do so and scatter them someplace you think he might like (Starbucks comes to mind - jk).

[Phoenix84]

I've always thought that there's no right or wrong way to feel about something like this. You just feel what you feel. So don't feel guilty about feeling or not feeling something. Just go with it.

Sorry for your loss.