My husbands pockets (and phone)

[tloonya]

One thing that drives me up-a-wall since I was little...
When my Mom used to get ready to wash clothes she was going trough my Dad's pockets looking for valuables he forgot in them to not to wash them.
My parents had a perfect marriage and I had never heard my Dad complaining about this ever...after all if she washed his watch he would be watchless...right?

So when I got married - my husband had tried to tell me that his pockets are his and I can't search them. I said shut up! I am not searching, I just don't want to destroy forgotten valuables. And I said something else that shut him up forever: I said 'honest person has nothing to hide'.
And I stick by it!!!
I reserve my rights to search his pockets, phone and whatevers. And he has the same rights to mines.

Why is it considered casus-belli nowadays to do this? Dis-trust?

Another thing. I am a woman. I am irrational. I am having mood swings. I am aging. Men sometimes aren't aging so fast.
So what if I am having my moments and think that he is maybe not into me as he was? I don't want to think that he is losing his powers with age so I am giving him thins kind of a doubts (for ego. Its not that you are powerless, you probably having an...affair! No?).

So what if I am jealous and jittery about nothing happening? I am thinking that something IS happening...so whats the big deal to let me see his phone and email and search computer? if he is an honest man and he wants to continue to eat without fearing for his life...and me to be quiet and peaceful and he knows whats best for him - GIVE ME THE PHONE!!! And step aside until verdict is pronounced...


P.S. None of the described above is pertaining to my own life except childhood memories.
You don't really think MY husband would be not giving me his phone? Well thought...

[NancysSummerSip]

I agree on checking the pockets before throwing stuff in the wash. Hey, all that loose change adds up! And besides, if you did wash his phone by mistake, he'd blame you...for not checking his pockets first, dontcha know!

On the checking of the computer and phone...my husband and I have each others' passwords, and he's welcome to check any and all my accounts, should he wish to, at any time. I have nothing to hide and if he wonders about anything, I'd tell him. I expect the same from him. That said, I know it's not the same for everybody. Some couples think keeping some things private from one another is fine and it's a matter of respecting each others' space. Trust has to be established early in a relationship, and the issue of trust is not static. It has to be revisited and revised regularly. Situations come up and you have to decide whether the boundaries you set when you said "I do" are still the right ones.

And there's nothing wrong with moving those boundaries or changing the rules...as long as both of you agree to it, or at least agree to disagree.

[sesfw]

I don't check pockets. Very early in marriage to DH#1 (1961) I washed and dried a pack of cigarettes. In a laundromat. What a mess.  It happened again about 10 years later but we had our own equipment by then.  This was long before cell phones .......... and the first computers were the size of this house.

I love getting money out of the dryer.  I even have a little bank to put it in.

I don't look with DH#2 either.  Unless the shirt rattles I don't check.

[Ryan]

He should start planing bags of oregano in his pockets that say 'illegal drugs'

[Angel!]

Pockets when doing laundry makes sense. Don't want to wash anything that shouldn't be washed.

My feelings on phones and emails are that you shouldn't need to search them. He shouldn't need to hide them, but you shouldn't go through them either. It is a matter of trust and if you are having to search, trust is already broken for some reason and something is wrong in the relationship.

Plus nothing good can come out of it. At best you feel OK (for now) because you didn't find anything. If you do, now you have to deal with the consequences and confrontations and make difficult decisions. Not that I think living in the dark is good, but I think if they are doing something sneaky eventually the truth will come out. Just feeling the need to spy means there are serious problems and spying probably is not the answer.

Also, you may misunderstand something you find also. Like the woman who called me repeatedly at 2 am and when I finally answered she accused me of sleeping with her husband. I didn't know what the hell she was talking about and she was unbelievable upset. Turns out our husbands worked together and mine had borrowed her husband's phone one day to text me because his had died. She put herself through hell on a misunderstanding because she went through his phone

[CCL]

It's just common sense to check pockets, I'd say if he's worried about having his pockets checked, he can do his own laundry. 

[marvholly]

When my late DH complained about my washing something accidently left in his pocket(s) I simply told him, 'fine. You can now take over doing ALL the laundry. I have better things to do w/my time than go thru a couple dozen of YOUR pockets.'

That quickly ended that. He made it his business to check pockets himself BEFORE putting thing in the laundry bin.

[Malarky]

Everyone in my family does their own laundry.  That keeps us all responsible for our own mistakes.

As far as checking emails and texts, I suppose we could if we asked.  It just never comes up.  

We do group texts if they pertain to one or more of us.

I did go through DD's phone when she got in trouble earlier in the summer.  Like to have died of boredom.  

[toomuchreality]

My oldest DD started doing her own laundry the day of her 10th birthday party. She told me she had checked her pockets, prior to me doing the laundry. I washed our whites (w/bleach). My sister's kids clothes included, cuz they had slept over. After drying them all, I found out my little darling had left a package of gum in her pocket. It was melted all over the clothes and the inside of my new dryer. I'd told her previously that if she left stuff in the pockets again, she would have to do her own. I don't make idle threats and believe me, I was not happy. My DH (at the time), already did his own.

I never went through my husband's wallet or personal stuff. The only reason I ever went through his pockets, was if I was washing something of his. If I had to be that suspicious, I wouldn't be there.He didn't go through my stuff either, that i know of.  For me, that's a deal breaker. -

[Abby Normal]

I don't check pockets.  DH wears his phone on his belt so he takes it off as soon as he gets in the house and he emptys his pockets at the same time. DS doesn't like things in his pockets and all he usually has there is occasionally some money. Any money found in the washer or dryer is mine so they be sure to empty it.  On occasion DH will ask me if I had taken money off the counter, only to realize it was still in his pocket that he hadn't emptied from the day before.  It's rare though.

As for email,  I never check DH's work phone which is basically all he has.  I do on occasion check his personal email and he can check mine.  We used to share an address but we seperated them because we had too many coming in from various activities.  Usually, like yesterday, what happens is DH assumes I know something because he assumes I've checked his email.  No honey, I haven't and it would be nice to tell me.  I have to set up an auto forward during baseball season because he constantly forgets to tell me what is going on, but is the primary contact for our family since he helps coach.  Drives me batty. 

[tloonya]

I am so pleased and surprised at you guys.
Mostly because I had been reading in other forums (that's what made me to ask) and people are so strict about god forbid checking pockets or email or phones so it is instant divorce if any of the spouses failed 'the rule'. Because you must trust. And I was like...shit happens! And if I suspecting something I should be able to reassure my self in my own paranoia. Right?
And I am so surprised how 100% of members are on a same page tooting one horn (other places).
And how are you guys here basically an opposite.

[NancysSummerSip]

Sept 23, 2014 9:51:46 GMT -5 tloonya said:

I am so pleased and surprised at you guys.
Mostly because I had been reading in other forums (that's what made me to ask) and people are so strict about god forbid checking pockets or email or phones so it is instant divorce if any of the spouses failed 'the rule'. Because you must trust. And I was like...shit happens! And if I suspecting something I should be able to reassure my self in my own paranoia. Right?
And I am so surprised how 100% of members are on a same page tooting one horn (other places).
And how are you guys here basically an opposite.

Hey, we reserve the right to surprise.

But overall, I think you should trust. If you think there is cause to doubt, you can check. My old man has never given me cause to go hunting for a cause. But that's me.

[ArchietheDragon]

tloonya  I give you permission to check my pockets.  But only when I am wearing my pants.  And be forewarned, I cut a hole in the pockets. 

[tloonya]

Sept 23, 2014 11:12:43 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

tloonya  I give you permission to check my pockets.  But only when I am wearing my pants.  And be forewarned, I cut a hole in the pockets. 

I don't need your permission for that

[Angel!]

Sept 23, 2014 9:51:46 GMT -5 tloonya said:

And if I suspecting something I should be able to reassure my self in my own paranoia. Right?

I wouldn't.  Your paranoia & insecurities are a personal problem that you need to work out.  Needing to go through phone records & emails isn't a long-term solution.  You either need to work on your relationship if there is a problem in the relationship, or work on yourself to figure out why you are so insecure in your marriage.

This is totally a sign of a bigger problem.

[NancysSummerSip]

Sept 23, 2014 11:58:31 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 23, 2014 11:12:43 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

tloonya  I give you permission to check my pockets.  But only when I am wearing my pants.  And be forewarned, I cut a hole in the pockets. 

I don't need your permission for that

And besides, even with the hole in his pocket, you won't find what you're looking for. I hear his wife has it locked up.

[tloonya]

Sept 23, 2014 12:22:08 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Sept 23, 2014 9:51:46 GMT -5 tloonya said:

And if I suspecting something I should be able to reassure my self in my own paranoia. Right?

I wouldn't.  Your paranoia & insecurities are a personal problem that you need to work out.  Needing to go through phone records & emails isn't a long-term solution.  You either need to work on your relationship if there is a problem in the relationship, or work on yourself to figure out why you are so insecure in your marriage.

This is totally a sign of a bigger problem.

So if you suspecting that something fishi is going on you working on your 'problems'? And if your husband is hiding while on the phone or closing computer when hearing you coming - you are insecure in your marriage?

BTW none of it is going on in my family, I am just trying to understand why people are so not letting other people to be worry that something is wrong...maybe. Or maybe not...maybe he is hiding because he wants to order you a present...but who knows? I would freak out...just because I never want to be a fool who trusted and got screwed.

[tloonya]

Sept 23, 2014 12:37:33 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Sept 23, 2014 11:58:31 GMT -5 tloonya said:

I don't need your permission for that

And besides, even with the hole in his pocket, you won't find what you're looking for. I hear his wife has it locked up.

So its detachable?

[Angel!]

Sept 23, 2014 13:00:34 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 23, 2014 12:22:08 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I wouldn't.  Your paranoia & insecurities are a personal problem that you need to work out.  Needing to go through phone records & emails isn't a long-term solution.  You either need to work on your relationship if there is a problem in the relationship, or work on yourself to figure out why you are so insecure in your marriage.

This is totally a sign of a bigger problem.

So if you suspecting that something fishi is going on you working on your 'problems'? And if your husband is hiding while on the phone or closing computer when hearing you coming - you are insecure in your marriage?

BTW none of it is going on in my family, I am just trying to understand why people are so not letting other people to be worry that something is wrong...maybe. Or maybe not...maybe he is hiding because he wants to order you a present...but who knows? I would freak out...just because I never want to be a fool who trusted and got screwed.

If there are actual actions that seem fishy, then it is a problem in the marriage. That should be discussed & counseling is probably in order.  He may or may not be doing something wrong, but what kind of marriage is it that you can't just talk openly about the issue? Sneaking around behind his back just means two of you are acting fishy now & there is no trust.

The bigger issue is there isn't enough trust or communication to say "hey, you have been acting weird.  Can we talk about it?"

It is also possible that you are letting your insecurities get the better of you & he is acting normal & you are just paranoid. Again, you should be able to talk about it & at that point it is somewhat of a personal problem.

So, yes I think sneaking around is a sign that there are big problems (and not just his fishy behavior). 

[tloonya]

Sept 23, 2014 13:09:29 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Sept 23, 2014 13:00:34 GMT -5 tloonya said:

So if you suspecting that something fishi is going on you working on your 'problems'? And if your husband is hiding while on the phone or closing computer when hearing you coming - you are insecure in your marriage?

BTW none of it is going on in my family, I am just trying to understand why people are so not letting other people to be worry that something is wrong...maybe. Or maybe not...maybe he is hiding because he wants to order you a present...but who knows? I would freak out...just because I never want to be a fool who trusted and got screwed.

If there are actual actions that seem fishy, then it is a problem in the marriage. That should be discussed & counseling is probably in order.  He may or may not be doing something wrong, but what kind of marriage is it that you can't just talk openly about the issue? Sneaking around behind his back just means two of you are acting fishy now & there is no trust.

The bigger issue is there isn't enough trust or communication to say "hey, you have been acting weird.  Can we talk about it?"

It is also possible that you are letting your insecurities get the better of you & he is acting normal & you are just paranoid. Again, you should be able to talk about it & at that point it is somewhat of a personal problem.

So, yes I think sneaking around is a sign that there are big problems (and not just his fishy behavior). 

I see it differently, Angel.
Let's say there was trust, there was nothing wrong and all of a sudden you started to be interested in your...co-worker.
There! Yesterday there was nothing wrong. Today is everything wrong. So you starting to act fishy.
Your spouse gets that something is going on...mind you there was nothing wrong with marriage yesterday. But it is now. I disagree that 'that marriage had a problem'. NO!
And with men - if they are hiding something - there is no friggin way they will tell you.
I am probably wouldn't as well. I am not stupid to tell my husband 'you know, there is a guy...' (actually I did it once...I told but I am a different basket case)
So from 'fishy' spouse perspective it is like 'why should I tell if I have no idea what is going to happen and how this pre-affair is going to end', right?
From the other spouse point of view...what? Just to sit and wait until something will give out or 'fishiness' will die down?
No! Got to snoop.

[Angel!]

Sept 24, 2014 9:27:32 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 23, 2014 13:09:29 GMT -5 Angel! said:

If there are actual actions that seem fishy, then it is a problem in the marriage. That should be discussed & counseling is probably in order.  He may or may not be doing something wrong, but what kind of marriage is it that you can't just talk openly about the issue? Sneaking around behind his back just means two of you are acting fishy now & there is no trust.

The bigger issue is there isn't enough trust or communication to say "hey, you have been acting weird.  Can we talk about it?"

It is also possible that you are letting your insecurities get the better of you & he is acting normal & you are just paranoid. Again, you should be able to talk about it & at that point it is somewhat of a personal problem.

So, yes I think sneaking around is a sign that there are big problems (and not just his fishy behavior). 

I see it differently, Angel.
Let's say there was trust, there was nothing wrong and all of a sudden you started to be interested in your...co-worker.
There! Yesterday there was nothing wrong. Today is everything wrong. So you starting to act fishy.
Your spouse gets that something is going on...mind you there was nothing wrong with marriage yesterday. But it is now. I disagree that 'that marriage had a problem'. NO!
And with men - if they are hiding something - there is no friggin way they will tell you.
I am probably wouldn't as well. I am not stupid to tell my husband 'you know, there is a guy...' (actually I did it once...I told but I am a different basket case)
So from 'fishy' spouse perspective it is like 'why should I tell if I have no idea what is going to happen and how this pre-affair is going to end', right?
From the other spouse point of view...what? Just to sit and wait until something will give out or 'fishiness' will die down?
No! Got to snoop.

Do what you like. I've done it both ways & snooping just always made things worse. And not because I ever caught him doing anything wrong when snooping. 

I realized quickly that snooping helped nothing. I would be upset over some text that I never should have seen.  But, then if I confront him I have to admit I was snooping, which starts a whole different fight.  If I don't, then I just remain angry about the text he sent a friend 3 months ago saying "Can't hang out today, Angel is being pissy & making me clean the garage".  Now I'm angry that he was upset 3 months ago & shared that in a private conversation with a friend, which honestly he should be totally able to do.  Who doesn't bitch about their spouse occassionally?  I imagine I even knew he was pissed off 3 months ago & we had totally moved on, but now it is right back in my face.  This leaves me with the option to confront or not confront, either way I feel like shit.  All of which could have been avoided if I just hadn't read his damn text messages.

[tloonya]

Sept 24, 2014 15:00:02 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Sept 24, 2014 9:27:32 GMT -5 tloonya said:

I see it differently, Angel.
Let's say there was trust, there was nothing wrong and all of a sudden you started to be interested in your...co-worker.
There! Yesterday there was nothing wrong. Today is everything wrong. So you starting to act fishy.
Your spouse gets that something is going on...mind you there was nothing wrong with marriage yesterday. But it is now. I disagree that 'that marriage had a problem'. NO!
And with men - if they are hiding something - there is no friggin way they will tell you.
I am probably wouldn't as well. I am not stupid to tell my husband 'you know, there is a guy...' (actually I did it once...I told but I am a different basket case)
So from 'fishy' spouse perspective it is like 'why should I tell if I have no idea what is going to happen and how this pre-affair is going to end', right?
From the other spouse point of view...what? Just to sit and wait until something will give out or 'fishiness' will die down?
No! Got to snoop.

Do what you like. I've done it both ways & snooping just always made things worse. And not because I ever caught him doing anything wrong when snooping. 

I realized quickly that snooping helped nothing. I would be upset over some text that I never should have seen.  But, then if I confront him I have to admit I was snooping, which starts a whole different fight.  If I don't, then I just remain angry about the text he sent a friend 3 months ago saying "Can't hang out today, Angel is being pissy & making me clean the garage".  Now I'm angry that he was upset 3 months ago & shared that in a private conversation with a friend, which honestly he should be totally able to do.  Who doesn't bitch about their spouse occassionally?  I imagine I even knew he was pissed off 3 months ago & we had totally moved on, but now it is right back in my face.  This leaves me with the option to confront or not confront, either way I feel like shit.  All of which could have been avoided if I just hadn't read his damn text messages.

And again, I am not doing anything because this is not my situation. If it was - I would snoop and confront and if he was iffy about it I would make sure I get to the point why he is iffy and fishy and all...
I am just saying if I feel that something wrong and I am feeling it I should have rights to use my power to find out. If I am wrong - sorry, Charlie.
If I was right - out! Otherwise I can live in a house with a spouse who is successfully professionaly cheating and be dumb wife who knows nothing.
Because she doesn't have rights to find out.
because if she is snooping and I am cheating - she has no rights to know. Its ok for me to cheat but it is not ok for her to find out?
How does one spouse supposed to put end to this failed marriage if she/he can't find out for sure because everyone is so good at covering things up?
And if you saw text that says what it said and he texted to a guy friend - one thing. Text away, darling.
But if he was texting his other woman - it is not being pissed off - it is out of this relationships matter. For me that would be...