tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Sept 19, 2014 9:54:45 GMT -5
Oh, yes than. I do also want her to have a better 'deal' than someone just stroking her feelings and making it like ok. I just though one thing. If he KNOWS how she feels about him and does it to her - its shitty behavior on his part. Isn't it? Not really. He told her up front he has no romantic feelings for her. It is up to HER to decide whether she can handle only friendship and nothing else. If it bothers her, SHE needs to be less available because her availableness to him now tells him that he can handle just being friends. Have you never been friends with someone of the opposite gender where you were only friends? Disagree. He knew what he wants and him coming back to her and telling her that he broke up BECAUSE of HER automatically gave her hope that he realized what she meant to him and he is back to HER for love, not friendship. Then she finds out no, he is back for same thing. Nothing. So it is shitty behavior.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 19, 2014 9:56:28 GMT -5
Not really. He told her up front he has no romantic feelings for her. It is up to HER to decide whether she can handle only friendship and nothing else. If it bothers her, SHE needs to be less available because her availableness to him now tells him that he can handle just being friends. Have you never been friends with someone of the opposite gender where you were only friends? Disagree. He knew what he wants and him coming back to her and telling her that he broke up BECAUSE of HER automatically gave her hope that he realized what she meant to him and he is back to HER for love, not friendship. Then she finds out no, he is back for same thing. Nothing. So it is shitty behavior. And she doesn't have to put up with shitty behavior from friends or lovers. Next move is on her.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 19, 2014 9:56:49 GMT -5
Ok, I have to go public with this. Had tried to understand myself but when my husband said 'it must be an American thing' because he doesn't get it from man stand point as well...so here I am. Young beautiful woman of 19 in college meets 2 years her senior, handsome, athletic guy. They becoming very good friends for over a year and having lunches, talks and nothing else. She is becoming very fond of him when he says he is asking one girl to become his girlfriend. She is crushed. He doesn't understand. She tells him, he is shocked. Starting to date that other girl. In a few month he sends her a text where he is apologizing for hurting her. She forgave him, they went out for lunch and he told her that dating hadn't worked out because girlfriend was jealous because he was constantly talking to her about his friend. So they broke up and now him and her are friends again and he says he is his sister he never had. He commutes and she lives on campus. He comes to her and spends time with her and she is going nuts because she wants him to be her boyfriend and she is in love and he is? What ta heck is that? Anyone? It depends on your belief system, but he's not into her as a romantic interest. He is into her as a friend/sister he never had.
Not that hard to figure out, if you don't subscribe to the belief all men and women are just waiting to hook up with each other.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Sept 19, 2014 10:01:35 GMT -5
I've never heard of a guy longing for a sister. A brother, yes. Maybe he is gay. Doesn't matter. It's still going to hurt her as long as she's carrying a torch for him.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 19, 2014 10:01:45 GMT -5
Not really. He told her up front he has no romantic feelings for her. It is up to HER to decide whether she can handle only friendship and nothing else. If it bothers her, SHE needs to be less available because her availableness to him now tells him that he can handle just being friends. Have you never been friends with someone of the opposite gender where you were only friends? Disagree. He knew what he wants and him coming back to her and telling her that he broke up BECAUSE of HER automatically gave her hope that he realized what she meant to him and he is back to HER for love, not friendship. Then she finds out no, he is back for same thing. Nothing. So it is shitty behavior. Is this bad Russian belief 102? I had a guy friend who is gay, once tell me about a long hair that was found in his bathtub. His current guy almost left him over it. He believed it was probably mine. And it may have been. I have long hair and shed, so its quite possible I gave him my usual hug and if he was sporting 5 o'clock shadow that day, more of my hair than normal may have found its way to his shirt and eventually the bathtub.
When I first heard the story, I did it can't be mine thing, because I had an immediate reaction of not wanting my hair, hence me to be blamed for a breakup.
I've been friends with many men over the years. Have you?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Sept 19, 2014 10:04:51 GMT -5
Not really. He told her up front he has no romantic feelings for her. It is up to HER to decide whether she can handle only friendship and nothing else. If it bothers her, SHE needs to be less available because her availableness to him now tells him that he can handle just being friends. Have you never been friends with someone of the opposite gender where you were only friends? Disagree. He knew what he wants and him coming back to her and telling her that he broke up BECAUSE of HER automatically gave her hope that he realized what she meant to him and he is back to HER for love, not friendship. Then she finds out no, he is back for same thing. Nothing. So it is shitty behavior. That is not what you said in your OP. you said that they broke up because the other woman was jealous of their FRIENDSHIP. That isn't the same thing. He has been up front with her and it is up to the girl to put limits on their friendship if she cannot handle only being friends. Some guys are kind of dense and they need to be flat out told that she can't emotionally handle it. He is not a mind reader, loony.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 19, 2014 10:05:08 GMT -5
I've never heard of a guy longing for a sister. A brother, yes. Maybe he is gay. Doesn't matter. It's still going to hurt her as long as she's carrying a torch for him. Maybe you need to talk to more people.
Growing up, my sibs and I would induct people into our extended family. We never did convince anyone to be our older brother, but we did get a guy who won the part of family dog.
There are books on dealing with unrequited love that stays unrequited. Perhaps she should read one or three.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2014 10:09:35 GMT -5
If she wants more of a relationship she needs to find it elsewhere. He's just not interested in her that way and she needs to get over it.
One of my best friends is a guy and if he'd try to take it elsewhere, I'd be freaked out. Actually, we did kind of go on dates once or twice before we both married, but it just was really uncomfortable to even think of him as anything more than brother status.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Sept 19, 2014 10:09:50 GMT -5
I was both on the receiving end and on the "just friends" end of this sort of thing in college. Best thing do is believe the person when they say they just want to be friends. I had a guy completely F#$K with my head because he would say "no I just want to be friends" and then hold my hand during class. Then after spring break he said "I changed my mind". Then it was back to "just friends". Then that summer he called me one day for no reason. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and just decided no, I'm not putting up with that. I DESERVE better. We got back to school and I had very little to do with him after that. I said enough of his sh!t. I had other guys that told me no just friends and it all worked out fine. They didn't play games. They provided a little more separation and I respected that they weren't into me.
I tended to feel uncomfortable when I knew guys were more into me than I into them. I always made sure to provide some seperation so that they weren't getting the wrong idea having been on the receiving end of that.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 19, 2014 10:13:01 GMT -5
Loony? Don't you have male friends that you aren't romantically attracted to? I do. They are my good friends and I adore them, but I would never want anything romantic with them. This may be what is going on. I don't think you can jump to the fact this guy is a jerk. Just because she is interested in him doesn't mean he automatically has to reciprocate or stop talking to her at all. 1. No I do not have any male friends except husbands of my girls friends 2. I think when he left knowing how she feels he didn't have rights to come back to her. He was gone. She was fine with that. He should stay where he was. OUT of her life. Ok. Well? If that's the case, then it's up to HER to cut off contact if that's the way SHE feels. No returning his calls or texts and no meeting him for lunch, etc. She has to take charge of her own life and if she feels this relationship is not good for her, she needs to end it. You can't count on, in this world, others doing what is right for you. You have to take care of that yourself. The best to her. It must be very painful.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 19, 2014 10:23:24 GMT -5
I applaud your family's decision to adopt a pet. I hope you were responsible dog owners and spayed/neutered. Crap! Gotta get the hang of this reply/quote/post thing! Sorry! Are you calling the girl (I"m assuming Loony's daughter) a pet or the guy? Either way, your post had me snorting into my tea.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Sept 19, 2014 10:31:24 GMT -5
Disagree. He knew what he wants and him coming back to her and telling her that he broke up BECAUSE of HER automatically gave her hope that he realized what she meant to him and he is back to HER for love, not friendship. Then she finds out no, he is back for same thing. Nothing. So it is shitty behavior. Is this bad Russian belief 102? I had a guy friend who is gay, once tell me about a long hair that was found in his bathtub. His current guy almost left him over it. He believed it was probably mine. And it may have been. I have long hair and shed, so its quite possible I gave him my usual hug and if he was sporting 5 o'clock shadow that day, more of my hair than normal may have found its way to his shirt and eventually the bathtub.
When I first heard the story, I did it can't be mine thing, because I had an immediate reaction of not wanting my hair, hence me to be blamed for a breakup.
I've been friends with many men over the years. Have you?
I can't be friend with a male. At some point it must end badly
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Sept 19, 2014 10:34:00 GMT -5
Disagree. He knew what he wants and him coming back to her and telling her that he broke up BECAUSE of HER automatically gave her hope that he realized what she meant to him and he is back to HER for love, not friendship. Then she finds out no, he is back for same thing. Nothing. So it is shitty behavior. That is not what you said in your OP. you said that they broke up because the other woman was jealous of their FRIENDSHIP. That isn't the same thing. He has been up front with her and it is up to the girl to put limits on their friendship if she cannot handle only being friends. Some guys are kind of dense and they need to be flat out told that she can't emotionally handle it. He is not a mind reader, loony. If he is a friend who care - he should be a mind reader! If he realized he hurt her once - stay away and do not hurt her again!!! No mind needs to be read...
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 19, 2014 10:36:00 GMT -5
NO! lol It was post #36 I think? You know what's funny? Right after I did my faux "paw" I read the thread title "Suppose I lost my mind and got a dog" and did a caffeine christening on MY notebook. I just assumed you were meaning to post on that thread and got mixed up. And welcome, by the way.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Sept 19, 2014 10:40:04 GMT -5
I was both on the receiving end and on the "just friends" end of this sort of thing in college. Best thing do is believe the person when they say they just want to be friends. I had a guy completely F#$K with my head because he would say "no I just want to be friends" and then hold my hand during class. Then after spring break he said "I changed my mind". Then it was back to "just friends". Then that summer he called me one day for no reason. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and just decided no, I'm not putting up with that. I DESERVE better. We got back to school and I had very little to do with him after that. I said enough of his sh!t. I had other guys that told me no just friends and it all worked out fine. They didn't play games. They provided a little more separation and I respected that they weren't into me. I tended to feel uncomfortable when I knew guys were more into me than I into them. I always made sure to provide some seperation so that they weren't getting the wrong idea having been on the receiving end of that. Very sensible, mutt. But that friggin hand holder...wtf? was with him? Afraid of what?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Sept 19, 2014 12:27:59 GMT -5
I was both on the receiving end and on the "just friends" end of this sort of thing in college. Best thing do is believe the person when they say they just want to be friends. I had a guy completely F#$K with my head because he would say "no I just want to be friends" and then hold my hand during class. Then after spring break he said "I changed my mind". Then it was back to "just friends". Then that summer he called me one day for no reason. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and just decided no, I'm not putting up with that. I DESERVE better. We got back to school and I had very little to do with him after that. I said enough of his sh!t. I had other guys that told me no just friends and it all worked out fine. They didn't play games. They provided a little more separation and I respected that they weren't into me. I tended to feel uncomfortable when I knew guys were more into me than I into them. I always made sure to provide some seperation so that they weren't getting the wrong idea having been on the receiving end of that. Very sensible, mutt. But that friggin hand holder...wtf? was with him? Afraid of what? Apparently Chem 3. (that was the class we were in together) My roommate was in the class with us and we were pretty inseperable that semester (my roomy not the boy). She was just as confused as I was. When I told her the "I changed my mind story", she was like WTF. Neither one of us was really savvy enough to realize I should have run far away from him. If someone treats my daughter like that, I hope she tells them, I'm better than that and walk away. But the best thing that happened was that he called me not that summer and I realized after that, he just was not worth it and I got to make the choice to be the one to say, I deserve better. It took me another year to really demand what I was worth out of a relationship. (My relationship in between the guy accused me of giving him mono and we basically broke up and didn't see each other for something like 6 years. I showed up at a friend's house for a party with husband years later and he opened the door for the friend..... AWKWARD. We were able to be a lot less awkward a year later at said friend's wedding.).
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Sept 19, 2014 12:43:05 GMT -5
Your daughter doesn't go to school with my son, does she?
I know the answer is no.
My DS had a girl who really liked him in high school. He was 2 grades ahead of her and still not comfortable around girls so they never dated. DS went to college and dated a different girl for 1 1/2 years. DS called me last January and said he broke up with his GF, was applying to a different (better) state school and changing his major (only from accounting to finance not the big a change). He applied, then we found out the friend from HS was already accepted. He hung out with her all summer and now they are both at the same school and are "friends". At least that is his story.
And he is not gay.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 19, 2014 13:00:16 GMT -5
That is not what you said in your OP. you said that they broke up because the other woman was jealous of their FRIENDSHIP. That isn't the same thing. He has been up front with her and it is up to the girl to put limits on their friendship if she cannot handle only being friends. Some guys are kind of dense and they need to be flat out told that she can't emotionally handle it. He is not a mind reader, loony. If he is a friend who care - he should be a mind reader! If he realized he hurt her once - stay away and do not hurt her again!!! No mind needs to be read... Why should he? No skin off his ass.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 19, 2014 13:18:12 GMT -5
Would it be wrong for him, as a friend, to help her develop the ability to be friends with a male?
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Sept 19, 2014 13:28:50 GMT -5
Why do I feel it went something like this. Boy and daughter were friends. Boy just wants to be friends, daughter wants more and hope this is all just a slow lead up to dating. Boy meet new girl who he liked more then a friend. Tells daughter because they are friends and he wants to share his news, and most likely hoping for a few hints of advice to make this really work with the new girl. Daughter freaks out because she really, really likes him and tells him. New girls sees that daughter is crushing over him, makes her uncomfortable so he backs away from daughter to work on this relationship. But over all relationship doesn't work, new girl may let her jealousy take over, guy may have resented having to give up his friends (I doubt it was just your daughter) and other changes that new girls wanted in his life. They break up and he tries to reconnect with the friends he lost and return to his old life before new girl. Which includes returning to daughter as just a friend.
On a side note I know this reminds me of a song........
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Sept 19, 2014 13:31:37 GMT -5
In other words tell your daughter to listen to some Taylor Swift eat some ice cream and get over him. Because she staring in
not
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Sept 19, 2014 13:36:08 GMT -5
I'm old, it reminds me of When Harry Met Sally.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Sept 19, 2014 18:45:12 GMT -5
He's using her for his back-up girl for when things don't work out with the " chosen one." He's actually just using her. She's not his "sister." I can't believe women fall for this shit. He needs to be moved on. She won't get rid of him, though.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Sept 19, 2014 18:46:15 GMT -5
I applaud your family's decision to adopt a pet. I hope you were responsible dog owners and spayed/neutered. Crap! Gotta get the hang of this reply/quote/post thing! Sorry! Are you calling the girl (I"m assuming Loony's daughter) a pet or the guy? Either way, your post had me snorting into my tea. This is really cute !
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Sept 19, 2014 19:58:33 GMT -5
I had a huge crush on a guy I was friends with all Senior year of high school. He had graduated two years before me. Finally, summer after senior year, I worked up the courage to tell him how I felt. He told me he cared for me very much, but along the lines of a sister, NOT as a romantic interest. (And shortly thereafter, he started dating one of my best friends). We remained friends. He and my best friend dated until she screwed him over. I was the person who he finally came and talked to about it. He dated other girls. We still hung out, went to lunch, etc. Per him, one of them was jealous of me because she thought that if I didn't like her, I could make him break up with her. (Which was both not true and not something I would do anyway.) 20 years later (literally, I graduated HS in 1994), he and I are still friends. He still talks to me about the women he is in relationships with. When we both worked at the University, we would meet for coffee or lunch. We can talk for hours. And honestly, I am now very glad we never dated. (He was an absolutely terrible, awful boyfriend on more than one occasion.) I am not saying this was easy. It was emotionally difficult, but we had two things going for us. 1) We had a shared group of friends, and we all hung out together on a regular basis. If one of us had dropped out of the group, it would have been noticed and commented on. (We were both also geeks- our group played D& together -so finding new groups of friends wasn't something either of us was good at or wanted to do.) 2) We both honestly cared about one another. I had a crush on him, yes, but first and foremost, he was my friend. I wanted him to be happy. He did have romantic feelings for me, but he did not rub my face in it or try to take advantage of it. I was his friend, and he wanted me to be happy. I was NEVER his back up plan. Your daughter has a choice to make. If she honestly cares about this boy and wants him to remain in her life, she has to accept that he only wants to be friends and learn to be his friend (not a hopeful girlfriend). These are two very different relationships. If what she wants is to be his girlfriend or nothing, then she needs to admit that to herself and stop hanging out with him, because he doesn't want her to be his girlfriend.
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Icelandic Woman
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Post by Icelandic Woman on Sept 19, 2014 20:03:58 GMT -5
Is this bad Russian belief 102? I had a guy friend who is gay, once tell me about a long hair that was found in his bathtub. His current guy almost left him over it. He believed it was probably mine. And it may have been. I have long hair and shed, so its quite possible I gave him my usual hug and if he was sporting 5 o'clock shadow that day, more of my hair than normal may have found its way to his shirt and eventually the bathtub.
When I first heard the story, I did it can't be mine thing, because I had an immediate reaction of not wanting my hair, hence me to be blamed for a breakup.
I've been friends with many men over the years. Have you?
I can't be friend with a male. At some point it must end badly Sorry I just had to chime in here. That is sad for you Loony. I have several close male friends, sometimes it is easier to be friends with a man than a woman for me at least. The only time it would end badly is if more that friendship is expected or wanted.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Sept 20, 2014 1:32:39 GMT -5
He's just not that into her. Literally!
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 20, 2014 5:47:22 GMT -5
Teenagers are idiots. I've been on both sides of this situation and have handled it with varying levels of grace at different times. Should he be more sensitive to her feelings and back off so that he stops leading her on? Yes. But he's not.going to, obviously. So she needs to decide whether she can be his friend like he wants, can be a friend but more casually, or needs to cut ties in order to create a healthy situation for herself. She's 19. He's not the last boy in the world, and she.needs to.know that she deserves a.person who wants her as much as she wants him.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Sept 20, 2014 7:59:35 GMT -5
I can't be friend with a male. At some point it must end badly Sorry I just had to chime in here. That is sad for you Loony. I have several close male friends, sometimes it is easier to be friends with a man than a woman for me at least. The only time it would end badly is if more that friendship is expected or wanted. I thought were talking about hot men
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Sept 20, 2014 8:09:05 GMT -5
The last one is he wants to cook for her BDay party (Archie? Carl?)...she is pleased and just hanging out there. She said it is all ok now. They can be friends. She is probably used to the idea or I don't know something And I appreciate everyone's input. Thanks to all.
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