She is like a sister to him

[tloonya]

Ok, I have to go public with this. Had tried to understand myself but when my husband said 'it must be an American thing' because he doesn't get it from man stand point as well...so here I am.

Young beautiful woman of 19 in college meets 2 years her senior, handsome, athletic guy. They becoming very good friends for over a year and having lunches, talks and nothing else. She is becoming very fond of him when he says he is asking one girl to become his girlfriend. She is crushed. He doesn't understand. She tells him, he is shocked. Starting to date that other girl.
In a few month he sends her a text where he is apologizing for hurting her. She forgave him, they went out for lunch and he told her that dating hadn't worked out because girlfriend was jealous because he was constantly talking to her about his friend.
So they broke up and now him and her are friends again and he says he is his sister he never had. He commutes and she lives on campus.
He comes to her and spends time with her and she is going nuts because she wants him to be her boyfriend and she is in love and he is?
What ta heck is that?
Anyone?

[swamp]

He's just not that into her.

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:01:31 GMT -5 swamp said:

He's just not that into her.

You sure? WHY is he like a glue then?
So he is not into her and he wasn't into the other one? So what ta heck with this guy?
And he is not even looking because he is always by her side when not in class...

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yep.  And for her own sake, she needs to recognize that and stop hanging out with him.  If it hurts her to see/hear him talking about other women, she needs to protect herself and avoid him until she gets over him. 

[NancysSummerSip]

She has to make a decision, Loony. Can she handle being the sister this guy never had, always being the one he turns to when his romances die, or does she really want to move on to a guy who won't play her like a yo-yo on a regular basis?

He likes being "in like" with her, but for whatever reason, he's not "in love" with her. Maybe she reminds him of a sister he had who passed away. Maybe he thinks of her as a sister because she's a good listener who does not want too much from him. Either way, they are both very, very young. This is how relationships work; a lot of give and take and letting go of the wrong people until you find the right one. How would you know you found the right person if you didn't meet the wrong ones first? You'd have no basis of comparison.

And no, it's not an American thing. Sounds like a dumb excuse to me.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 19, 2014 9:04:42 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:01:31 GMT -5 swamp said:

He's just not that into her.

You sure? WHY is he like a glue then?

He likes having an attractive woman hanging on him.
He's keeping her in reserve
He's not sure about his sexuality

 - shrug - I can probably come up with more if I had some more time. 

[Lizard Queen]

This is probably going to sound off the wall, but she's being too nice to him.  She'll never get his attention that way, if he's feeling like she's a sister.  She needs to move on and date other guys. It might make this guy come around, and it might not. Either way, it will help her.  But being willingly strung along by this guy is not helping at all.

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:05:11 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Yep.  And for her own sake, she needs to recognize that and stop hanging out with him.  If it hurts her to see/hear him talking about other women, she needs to protect herself and avoid him until she gets over him. 

He only told her about that girl he broke up with to tell her that she was always there with him, so she would forgive him.
He doesn't talk about other women, there aren't any. He is hanging out with her friends. I am like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
let me kill this guy!

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:11:54 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

This is probably going to sound off the wall, but she's being too nice to him.  She'll never get his attention that way, if he's feeling like she's a sister.  She needs to move on and date other guys. It might make this guy come around, and it might not. Either way, it will help her.  But being willingly strung along by this guy is not helping at all.

I agree but she values this relationships because he is also a good listener and a good story teller. I am not sure if she would just end it 'because you don't love me'...I hope she can find someone and show him what he lost and maybe jealousy will wake him up.
Not that I care, I just care for her grades

[ArchietheDragon]

he sounds gay. 

[NancysSummerSip]

He does not sound like a guy I'd want my daughter hanging around with. But that's just me, and I am making that call as someone who has no kids. He sounds like a guy with the kind of ego that needs a lot of babysitting. He has to have a woman around all the time, as Beth mentioned, because it makes him feel like somebody. Before anyone else can make you happy, you have to be happy all by yourself. And this guy does not sound very capable of that.

I think she should find someone more worthy of her time and more deserving of her a a person and a friend.

[mmhmm]

It's possible the guy just thinks of her as a friend. That's what he's said. No reason, really, not to take that at face value. Most of us have had friends of the opposite sex in whom we had no romantic interest. The young woman needs to get on with her life. Go out with other friends and quit allowing this guy to monopolize her time. It's up to her to set the limits and the guidelines for her various relationships.

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:05:32 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

And no, it's not an American thing. Sounds like a dumb excuse to me.

Nothing dumb about it, Nancy!!! Some things like 'friends with benefits' and 'not dating because afraid to brake up and lose a good friend...and some other things are modern age dating techniques. So when my husband says 'American thing' - he means it is after he dated someone. Waaaaay waaaay after  Nancy!

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 19, 2014 9:16:48 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:11:54 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

This is probably going to sound off the wall, but she's being too nice to him.  She'll never get his attention that way, if he's feeling like she's a sister.  She needs to move on and date other guys. It might make this guy come around, and it might not. Either way, it will help her.  But being willingly strung along by this guy is not helping at all.

I agree but she values this relationships because he is also a good listener and a good story teller. I am not sure if she would just end it 'because you don't love me'...I hope she can find someone and show him what he lost and maybe jealousy will wake him up.
Not that I care, I just care for her grades

If she has strong feelings for him, she will be stuck in friendship hell.  Like I said, better for her to move on, and maybe that will shake him up. This friendship could prevent her from meeting someone who will reciprocate her feelings.

[Tennesseer]

It sounds like the guy has been pretty up front with her.  He thinks of her as a friend only.  She needs to either accept that fact and just be a friend or end the friendship.  The ball is in her court.

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:17:43 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

he sounds gay. 

Arch! I thought about it. Honestly. But lately everything and everyone is 'gay' so I didn't want to be 'gay' by sayin' it...

[NancysSummerSip]

Sept 19, 2014 9:20:16 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:05:32 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

And no, it's not an American thing. Sounds like a dumb excuse to me.

Nothing dumb about it, Nancy!!! Some things like 'friends with benefits' and 'not dating because afraid to brake up and lose a good friend...and some other things are modern age dating techniques. So when my husband says 'American thing' - he means it is after he dated someone. Waaaaay waaaay after  Nancy!

No, I meant that it's a dumb way to excuse that young man's behavior, not that it was a dumb thing for your DH to say. Saying that it's "An American thing" makes his behavior seem almost normal and OK, when it isn't. I know your DH didn't mean it that way.

[billisonboard]

Sept 19, 2014 9:35:22 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

... makes his behavior seem almost normal and OK, when it isn't. ...

How is his behavior not "OK"?

[TheHaitian]

Sept 19, 2014 9:17:43 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

he sounds gay. 

BINGO!!!!

[Green Eyed Lady]

Loony?  Don't you have male friends that you aren't romantically attracted to?  I do.  They are my good friends and I adore them, but I would never want anything romantic with them.  This may be what is going on.  I don't think you can jump to the fact this guy is a jerk.  Just because she is interested in him doesn't mean he automatically has to reciprocate or stop talking to her at all.

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:35:22 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:20:16 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Nothing dumb about it, Nancy!!! Some things like 'friends with benefits' and 'not dating because afraid to brake up and lose a good friend...and some other things are modern age dating techniques. So when my husband says 'American thing' - he means it is after he dated someone. Waaaaay waaaay after  Nancy!

No, I meant that it's a dumb way to excuse that young man's behavior, not that it was a dumb thing for your DH to say. Saying that it's "An American thing" makes his behavior seem almost normal and OK, when it isn't. I know your DH didn't mean it that way.

Oh, yes than. I do also want her to have a better 'deal' than someone just stroking her feelings and making it like ok.

I just though one thing. If he KNOWS how she feels about him and does it to her - its shitty behavior on his part. Isn't it?

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:39:49 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:17:43 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

he sounds gay. 

BINGO!!!!

You two, Carl That is 2 men votes for gay. Ill wait some more.

[ArchietheDragon]

Sept 19, 2014 9:39:49 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:17:43 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

he sounds gay. 

BINGO!!!!

Some girls just love gay guys.  They really do. 

[billisonboard]

Sept 19, 2014 9:41:58 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:39:49 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

BINGO!!!!

You two, Carl That is 2 men votes for gay. Ill wait some more.

Clearly since he hasn't used her attraction to him to get in her pants, he must be gay.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 19, 2014 9:40:15 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Loony?  Don't you have male friends that you aren't romantically attracted to?  I do.  They are my good friends and I adore them, but I would never want anything romantic with them.  This may be what is going on.  I don't think you can jump to the fact this guy is a jerk.  Just because she is interested in him doesn't mean he automatically has to reciprocate or stop talking to her at all.

This is true.  But she needs to stop seeing him until she gets over him. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 19, 2014 9:41:58 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:39:49 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

BINGO!!!!

You two, Carl That is 2 men votes for gay. Ill wait some more.

He could be gay.  He could be straight.  He could be bi.  He could not know/not want to admit whatever he is to anyone.  Which is fine.  He is who he is.  But until the girl can be around him without wanting to be more than friends, she needs to protect herself.  For me, that means not seeing him until she gets over him. 

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:40:15 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Loony?  Don't you have male friends that you aren't romantically attracted to?  I do.  They are my good friends and I adore them, but I would never want anything romantic with them.  This may be what is going on.  I don't think you can jump to the fact this guy is a jerk.  Just because she is interested in him doesn't mean he automatically has to reciprocate or stop talking to her at all.

1. No I do not have any male friends except husbands of my girls friends
2. I think when he left knowing how she feels he didn't have rights to come back to her. He was gone. She was fine with that. He should stay where he was. OUT of her life.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Sept 19, 2014 9:40:38 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:35:22 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

No, I meant that it's a dumb way to excuse that young man's behavior, not that it was a dumb thing for your DH to say. Saying that it's "An American thing" makes his behavior seem almost normal and OK, when it isn't. I know your DH didn't mean it that way.

Oh, yes than. I do also want her to have a better 'deal' than someone just stroking her feelings and making it like ok.

I just though one thing. If he KNOWS how she feels about him and does it to her - its shitty behavior on his part. Isn't it?

Not really.

He told her up front he has no romantic feelings for her.  It is up to HER to decide whether she can handle only friendship and nothing else.  If it bothers her, SHE needs to be less available because her availableness to him now tells him that he can handle just being friends.

Have you never been friends with someone of the opposite gender where you were only friends?  About half my friends are male with no expectation of any sort of romantic relationship.

[tloonya]

Sept 19, 2014 9:46:51 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:41:58 GMT -5 tloonya said:

You two, Carl That is 2 men votes for gay. Ill wait some more.

Clearly since he hasn't used her attraction to him to get in her pants, he must be gay.

Seems that you are very unhappy in this thread, billi.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 19, 2014 9:50:53 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Sept 19, 2014 9:40:15 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

Loony?  Don't you have male friends that you aren't romantically attracted to?  I do.  They are my good friends and I adore them, but I would never want anything romantic with them.  This may be what is going on.  I don't think you can jump to the fact this guy is a jerk.  Just because she is interested in him doesn't mean he automatically has to reciprocate or stop talking to her at all.

1. No I do not have any male friends except husbands of my girls friends
2. I think when he left knowing how she feels he didn't have rights to come back to her. He was gone. She was fine with that. He should stay where he was. OUT of her life.

And she can tell him that she needs time and space to get over him.  No, it's not easy if you have feelings for someone and you'll see them around campus/work alot.  But lots of people do it.