Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Aug 18, 2014 15:07:20 GMT -5
I think what it came down to was that she expected me to marry a doctor or a lawyer and move to one of the coasts What was she thinking? Professional, career-oriented women don't marry doctors / lawyers. They marry guys with wallet chains and visible neck tattoos.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 18, 2014 15:13:19 GMT -5
I think what it came down to was that she expected me to marry a doctor or a lawyer and move to one of the coasts What was she thinking? Professional, career-oriented women don't marry doctors / lawyers. They marry guys with wallet chains and visible neck tattoos. There's probably some truth to this. Two career oriented, alpha, dominating personalities don't work well together.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 18, 2014 15:38:59 GMT -5
Ooh, good question.
But, regardless of your opinions on the formal process (or lack thereof) how did your parents feel about your spouse before you married? Did they like him/her? Or was there any disapproval and dislike? Has that changed at all?
My parents love DH. They made a commitment a long time ago to treat the person I chose with respect and love regardless of how they felt personally, which I think was very wise. I plan to do the same with Babybird.
But they actually do like him as a person too.
I don't have in-laws. MIL is dead and FIL is out of the picture. I do wonder at times how our relationship would have gone.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 18, 2014 15:41:08 GMT -5
My mother chooses my ex husband over me. I can't get over that and she doesn't understand why.
WTF? WHY? How could your mom "choose" an ex over her own kid? How does that even work? She invites him over for Christmas dinner but not you? That's terrible. I'm sorry, Knee Deep in Water Chloe.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 18, 2014 15:46:50 GMT -5
DH and I eloped so neither set of parents met their new SIL or DIL until 4 months after we were married. Had to wait for that all-important four month mark, huh? (Totally kidding around, I hope it's obvious )
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 18, 2014 16:01:52 GMT -5
I want to think "my kid got lucky" when they marry their future partner. I don't want to think the future partner got lucky. DS is getting married in February - I love my son dearly but I think he's marrying up Before he got engaged I told him he needed to propose to her ASAP and tie the knot before she got good sense or saw my crazy half of the family - only a few more months!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 18, 2014 16:23:38 GMT -5
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jeep108
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Post by jeep108 on Aug 18, 2014 16:56:50 GMT -5
My parents loved my husband. Especially my dad, he was the son they never had. I swear my dad wanted me to marry him just so he could pal around with him on the weekends. Mom said she could tell that he would treat me well and that's all that mattered to her.
My In Laws I tolerate my MIL. She's just not a very nice person. She's never happy and wants everyone to be as unhappy as she is. I'm the DIL that she likes and she's not all that nice to me. I really feel bad for my BIL and his wife. She's always making nasty remarks and telling BIL to divorce his crappy wife. When his wife has never done anything to her. Never mind that my BIL has some very big issues of his own but she tries and blames all of his troubles on the wife.
My FIL is a drunk so my husband doesn't like to be around him much. When he is around us my husband tells him he has to be sober. His dad has always been nice when we do see him.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 19, 2014 8:26:44 GMT -5
Firebird- I tease DH now and tell him that he wanted to elope because he knew if I met his mother first I would run the other way . We eloped in August on my birthday (18 years ago next Wednesday). We told my parents in advance but I don't think they believed me. We flew to Tennessee for Christmas to meet his mom and Step father. Spent a few days with them and then flew to Minnesota to see my parents.
They promptly took us from the airport to the Mall of America. My mom was in a mood and my dad turned to my husband and said "See what you have to look forward to in 25 years?" and my husband, straight faced said "I can only hope Sheila is half as beautiful as her mother in 25 years". Freaking suck up. My dad nearly had a heart attack laughing (which didn't thaw my mom's mood very much) but she smiled and said that DH was a lovely young man and welcome to the family.
We have a habit of getting engaged quickly. DH and I met in February and married in August. Older DBro proposed 28 days after his first date with my SIL. Younger Idiot Brother was jealous that my sister had gotten engaged the week before (to a guy she'd been dating for 2 1/2 years) so he proposed to my ExSIL at the 25 day mark so he could beat my brother. He also planned his wedding reception (local reception after destination wedding that no one was invited to) for the week before my sister's wedding. He's kind of an ass.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 19, 2014 8:39:18 GMT -5
My mother chooses my ex husband over me. I can't get over that and she doesn't understand why.
WTF? WHY? How could your mom "choose" an ex over her own kid? How does that even work? She invites him over for Christmas dinner but not you? That's terrible. I'm sorry, Knee Deep in Water Chloe. Thanks. It's been an interesting progression. We split in late 2006. In her perspective, she'd tell you she just keeps him as a kid in addition to me--that we're equals. That doesn't work for me. I've told her that. She thinks I'm a snob. She would invite us both over for holidays. She would invite him over for a regular dinner on separate nights from me. I don't think she invites over for holidays anymore, but she has embraced his girlfriend's niece (whom the GF is raising) as her grandchild. She still gives him money. And even though he's $13K in arrears in CS, she doesn't see why that annoys me. It came down to a massive division when my dad died. We were in my dad's hospital room on opposite sides of the bed. She asked me--in front of one of my sisters thank goodness because my mother denied it later and my sister vouched for me--if it was okay if XH came to all of the services for my dad. She was ticked when I said no. When she tried to deny that she'd not only initiated the conversation at such an inappropriate time but that I had said no, she told me I was being selfish by not wanting XH to be there and that he was welcome to be at her house and her functions anytime. That was in Feb 2012. We rarely speak at this point. She occasionally shows up for stuff my children are involved in. Otherwise, we don't have much contact.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Aug 19, 2014 9:23:47 GMT -5
My mother did not think DH was good enough for me at first. She's come around. She was never mean or rude to him though. My dad always liked him.
I'm pretty sure my in laws like me, although MIL thinks I'm too hard on the kids.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 19, 2014 11:31:52 GMT -5
Chloe I think your mom might have a crush on your ex-husband!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2014 12:26:33 GMT -5
I dated a guy who mom wouldn't let go of his ex, even though ex had behaved poorly. It really hurt him and I always wondered why he didnt tell his mother that it did. She did the same thing, invited her to family gatherings and all. Not because of grandkids either because he had a lot of visitation, more than half. The ex is finally dying and he couldn't be happier because he is finally free of her. Kinda creepy but understandable.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 19, 2014 12:39:05 GMT -5
It came down to a massive division when my dad died. We were in my dad's hospital room on opposite sides of the bed. She asked me--in front of one of my sisters thank goodness because my mother denied it later and my sister vouched for me--if it was okay if XH came to all of the services for my dad. She was ticked when I said no. When she tried to deny that she'd not only initiated the conversation at such an inappropriate time but that I had said no, she told me I was being selfish by not wanting XH to be there and that he was welcome to be at her house and her functions anytime. Nothing about that is okay. I don't blame you a bit for limiting contact.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2014 16:13:49 GMT -5
Yup, nothing like funerals to bring out the drama. At DFs uncles, his ex and bio brat made it "all about them" and people just sucked up to them like they were the SECOND COMING. Then they have asked DF and not me, of course, why we are not FB friends anymore and why I won't speak to them or visit them. DF is welcome to do so at any time he desires. I will not make an effort for those who don't deserve it.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 19, 2014 19:17:13 GMT -5
Chloe I think your mom might have a crush on your ex-husband!! Hmm...I'd not thought of that before. My mother has incredibly low self-esteem and thinks she's very low intellectually. She's definitely of average intelligence--not low by any means. The problem is that my sisters and I are well above average, as was my dad. She finds XH (who is below average, but I may be biased at this point) to be more like her than my sisters and I are.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 19, 2014 19:24:25 GMT -5
What was she thinking? Professional, career-oriented women don't marry doctors / lawyers. They marry guys with wallet chains and visible neck tattoos. There's probably some truth to this. Two career oriented, alpha, dominating personalities don't work well together. I think Phoenix's point is interesting. By all accounts, I am an alpha/dominating/Triple A personality. However, I'd much rather have been a SAHM than have become a high school principal at 32 years of age. DH is completely alpha male and wants to be in charge at work. I have no problem with him being "in charge" in our marriage. I married the wallet chain/dresses like a 15yo boy/no life goals/very few opinions male the first time. I hated it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 21:31:37 GMT -5
My mother was totally opposed to my marriage, not necessarily because of who I was marrying, but she believed that marriage was a legal trap for women with no upside. She really liked my future DH except that he was male. Her profound words to me were, "why don't you just shack up?" which was pretty strong stuff for the early 70's.
DH's father wasn't allowed to have an opinion on anything as far as I could tell. DH's mom was never happy about our marriage because she didn't like ethnic minorities (I'm half Hispanic) and she wanted a boatload of grand kids (DH and I decided long before marriage that we didn't want to procreate). Many years after we married she kept trying to hook him up with his ex because she was very blond and very fertile. It made for really interesting family dinners when DH's mom handed him the ex's phone number and suggested he call her and get back together.
As much as I loved and love DH, I just couldn't be the person DH's mom wanted me to be - SAHM, etc. That was not who I was, nor who DH wanted. His mom just couldn't get past her vision of the perfect family long enough to see who her son really was and accept his vision of a good life. Her refusal to accept his choice of a life partner really hindered the good relationship I wish they could have had. I think it was a generational thing in part.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 19, 2014 22:36:41 GMT -5
There's probably some truth to this. Two career oriented, alpha, dominating personalities don't work well together. I think Phoenix's point is interesting. By all accounts, I am an alpha/dominating/Triple A personality. However, I'd much rather have been a SAHM than have become a high school principal at 32 years of age. DH is completely alpha male and wants to be in charge at work. I have no problem with him being "in charge" in our marriage. I married the wallet chain/dresses like a 15yo boy/no life goals/very few opinions male the first time. I hated it. Well, human beings are complex creatures. For whatever reason, you did end up being a career woman.
It seems you're a type A in some parts of your life and a type B in others. I can respect that. I think I'm that way too. For the most part, I think I'm very laid back, but at the same time, I am not laid back to the point where I aimlessly meander through life, so maybe I do have a type A streak.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 20, 2014 8:39:41 GMT -5
Many years after we married she kept trying to hook him up with his ex because she was very blond and very fertile. It made for really interesting family dinners when DH's mom handed him the ex's phone number and suggested he call her and get back together.
If DH wasn't my MIL's only child I would think we had the same MIL. She pulls this stunt from time to time. She was disappointed when he had his affair that he came back to me and our son. She has told him several times that he would have been happier with Beth. She will post on his fb wall comments like "Ran into 'Amy' today. She is looking really good and just got divorced. You should give her and call or send her a message"
I'm curious to see this year's comment. My birthday and anniversary are next week. My husband will post a message on fb about our anniversary and without fail my MIL will comment. Last year's comment was "it's so nice that you've been able to see past all of Sheila's faults and stay with her for so many years for the sake of your son". Gee thanks
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 20, 2014 8:55:16 GMT -5
She posted that on your FB for everyone to read? You are SO lucky I am not on your FB page because I'd have ripped her a new one for all to see.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 20, 2014 9:08:22 GMT -5
Yup- she sure did. DH has tried to explain to her how facebook works and that what you post to his "wall" can be seen by everyone he is friends with.
We were cordial in the beginning but things went south with her around year 6. She got in the middle of an argument that DH and I were having and told him that she would "happily pay for him to divorce me". She has repeated that offer several times and she knows that I know. But I kept my mouth shut because I knew that it would only breed resentment if I made my husband choose.
When he had his final face to face talk with her and she admitted to knowing he was bi polar and doing nothing about it (when he was 16) and admitted to knowing he was being molested and did nothing about it he was done with her. The icing on the cake was when she told him he would have been better off leaving DS and I for his mistress.
That was it. He hasn't seen her since and has only communicated via facebook with her since then- with one or two phone calls a year. She sends DS $20 for Christmas every year and DS sends her a thank you card and that's it. DH says the distance has helped him see what a toxic person she is and he is not interested in re-building a relationship with her.
ETA- I should note DH is an only child and DS is her only grandchild.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 20, 2014 9:17:53 GMT -5
How sad. But I was my moms only child and my children her only grandchildren. You can't make people care.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 20, 2014 9:25:24 GMT -5
Nope. You really can't.
This is the same woman that dumped him on the neighbors so she could go on vacation with her new boyfriend two weeks after his dad died in a plane crash. He was 5. (PS- she went to Disneyland)
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Aug 20, 2014 9:54:39 GMT -5
Nope. You really can't.
This is the same woman that dumped him on the neighbors so she could go on vacation with her new boyfriend two weeks after his dad died in a plane crash. He was 5. (PS- she went to Disneyland) That is sick and twisted. She sounds like one of those people who see's their family members as objects. They are something to brag about, or control, or dictate to, so it usually upsets them when a family member ignores there wishes.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 20, 2014 10:03:33 GMT -5
I could go on and on with stories about her. But suffice it to say- she really doesn't like me and I don't lose any sleep over it. I hate the way she treated DH growing up and therapy has helped him deal with most of that.
With DS being an only child I really hope that his future spouse likes DH and I. If not I will do everything I can to maintain a cordial relationship so that DH and I can be in their lives.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 20, 2014 11:42:03 GMT -5
She will post on his fb wall comments like "Ran into 'Amy' today. She is looking really good and just got divorced. You should give her and call or send her a message" HOLY HELL. Girl, you're a better woman than I am in more ways than one.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 20, 2014 11:43:51 GMT -5
Nope. You really can't.
This is the same woman that dumped him on the neighbors so she could go on vacation with her new boyfriend two weeks after his dad died in a plane crash. He was 5. (PS- she went to Disneyland) I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. What a bitch. I'm soooooooo glad your DH limits contact with her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 20, 2014 11:47:07 GMT -5
Emma, you are spot on!
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 20, 2014 11:59:23 GMT -5
You guys will get a kick out of this. Right after she and DH's dad got married he got a call from the cops that his kids were in custody. Their mother had apparently abandoned them and they were picked up panhandling on the beach in Florida (MIL and FIL lived in CA). I don't judge- he was a Marine pilot and had only recently returned for Vietnam (met my MIL while she was a DOD teacher overseas). He flew there and got them right away.
So my newly wed MIL went from being just married to finding herself the stepmother of 4 kids (aged 5 to 13) and then found out she was pregnant. When DH's dad died the oldest boy was in prison (long story) , the oldest girl was in college, the younger boy was kicked by her new husband a few weeks after they married (5 months after their dad had died) and the youngest sister went to live with an aunt and uncle.
Youngest sister died 2 years later.
The other three absolutely HATE my MIL. Can not stand her. She treated them even worse than she did my DH.
So to "punish" my DH for not communicating with him more she sent him an email a year ago to inform him that he will have to "share" his inheritance from her and the current husband with his half siblings. He just shrugged and was like "whatever, it's your money". He told his siblings what his mom said and their responses ranged from "that bitch can burn in hell" to "I'll burn any penny she gives me" to "I'd donate every dime to a orphaned children's charity".
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