Back from Missouri

[gacpa]

Got back to Georgia on Sunday 8/10/14.  I have been in Missouri since July 13, the day my father passed away from cancer.  He passed away at home, in his den.  The hospice nurses, my mom and a friend of the family were with him.

I was on the road in Alabama headed to MO when my sister called me to say he was gone.    I had to pull myself together to drive in the rest of the way home.  I was able to see him one last time at home.   We had many friends and family attend Daddy's visitation and services.

My dad owned farmland with his siblings and now his share belongs to my mom.  She has always kept the books, but did not have signature authority on the farm bank account.  A couple weeks ago, while I was home, my aunt and uncle had her name put on the bank account so she can continue to write checks and keep the books.  This is very significant, because prior to Dad's passing, he had not spoken with his siblings in over five years.  The three of them inherited the farmland from their father.  My grandfather was a good man.

I am grateful for their gesture of support, but have a lot of concerns going forward this arrangement may or may not work.  Only time will tell.

I hope for now that mom will adjust to the "new normal" of her life and get out with her friends, she has a lot of friends and good support from them.  I hope no one makes any rash decisions or moves in the near future.  I told her she can have many good years and happiness ahead of her, if that is what she chooses.  She is very frugal, and it is hard for her to spend money, but perhaps she will loosen up the pursestrings somewhat and enjoy her life.

[The Captain]

I am sorry for you loss but glad you were able to be there for your family.

Give your mom at least a year to adjust and understand if she doesn't want to change her life.  She may be comfortable with things the way they are.

My mother died over 5 years ago and sis and I gave up on trying to get Dad to go out more.  He's content, and our pestering just cause him unnecessary stress (not really - he just ignored us ).

[NancysSummerSip]

Sorry to hear of your Dad's passing gacpa. Agree with the Captain on this. Mom needs time to adjust to whatever her idea of a new normal is. Always let her know you will be there for her, no matter what.

[Bonny]

gacpa,

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it was (and continues to be) a difficult time for you.

With regards to the following statement:

I am grateful for their gesture of support, but have a lot of concerns going forward this arrangement may or may not work. Only time will tell.

Do you have a specific concern or are you concerned because your father and his siblings didn't speak for five years? Do you know what was the problem?

How old is your mom and what is her background? Does she get along with her in-laws?

[movingforward]

So sorry for your loss.  I am glad your mom has good friends.  They will certainly help her get through this tragedy. 

[gacpa]

Thank you everyone for the kindness you have shown.  People like you are why I visit YM so often.

Bonny, I do know exactly why my dad and his siblings did not speak for five years.  It was about future ownership of the farms.  Dad wanted to draw up legal paperwork giving family members a "right of first refusal" in case other family members wanted to sell their share and get out.   He wanted to keep the land in the family and avoid a court ordered sale/auction whereby all family members would lose ownership if one wanted to sell.  The siblings did not go for that, as they do not value the land as much as he did. 

My mother was a partner in an insurance agency for many years and has a good head for business.  She is 76 and her mind is sharp as a tack and she is physically fit and energetic.  My parent's home sits on 10 acres of land, and she mows it all herself with a huge John Deere tractor my Dad bought her not long ago.  He also bought her a new Buick Lacrosse the first of this year.    Their home is well maintained.  She is in good shape financially and mentally.  A very spunky, feisty woman.

The crop farm is leased to a large, local farmer who provides the machinery and labor needed to grow a crop.  Dad split the cost of the seed and fertilizer and other costs with him.  The other farm is basically suited for cattle grazing, as it sits in the Ozark foothills with lots of hills and poor rocky soil not suited for crop farming.  Dad did not own cattle, but he did lease the land for cattle grazing sometimes, for people who needed pasture for their cattle.  Both properties are very valuable for different reasons.

I can't say we were on good terms with the inlaws, especially the aunt.  I could tell many YM horror stories here about how she lived her life.  My uncle is better and I hope he and Mom can forge some sort of alliance to hold this situation all together.  My aunt is not able to keep the books and my uncle does not want to.   I am not sure my mom would be comfortable letting either of them handle the farm books.

Dad always distributed all farm profits each year to himself and the siblings.  I hope there can be peace in the family now, but I give it a 50/50 chance of actually happening.  I don't need any more family drama.

[gacpa]

Captain and Nancy,

I did tell her many times while I was home that my sister and I would always be there for her.  We have both tried in every way down through the years to let Mom and Dad we appreciate our upbringing.   We would not be where we are today without their teachings and the good people they surrounded us with as we grew.

[mmhmm]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, gacpa. My condolences to all the family and friends. I do hope, with a bit of time, things will work out in the best way possible for all. Your mother is fortunate to have you and your sister looking out for what's best for her. 

[Bonny]

gacpa,

I can understand your concern. DH and I own some mineral interests with some of his cousins. While they don't have the emotional draw that a piece of property has it sure would be a lot easier if they would give us a chance to buy them out rather than sell on the open market.

Do any of the cousins (including you) have the emotional attachment that your dad did? Are you or any of your siblings or cousins in a financial position to buy out the other parties?

BTW good to hear that your mom is doing so well.

[Nazgul Girl]

   I'm sorry that you and your family lost your father, gacpa.   I hope everything works out for your mother re: the farm property.   

[gacpa]

Bonny,

My sister and her husband are emotionally attached to the farms.  They have no children.  I love and value the farms also, but I am not willing to go to war over them.  We are too old, if I was younger, I would probably be more willing to fight.  Mom wants to hang on to them as well.

My uncle never married and has no children.  My aunt is widowed and has two children, neither of whom is capable of caring for the property.  Neither of them would be able to purchase the property either, by themselves or as partners.  Two more YM train wrecks... 

My mom, sister and I would be financially able to buy their shares.  I just don't think they would sell them to us. 

I am also concerned they let my Mom keep the books and put her on the checking account, but will "pick on her" about how the money is managed, although neither one of them could certainly do no better.  She watched Daddy make the decisions for years, and she is the best person for the job if they want to continue farming.  I don't want her "under their thumb", and making her feel like she is only there to do their bidding.

Thank you for asking these questions.  You are pretty intuitive. 

My mom is going to keep a low profile and try to keep things trucking along like my Dad did.  Let us hope the family peace will hold.

[Bonny]

gacpa,

Being the red-headed contrarian that I can be, I'd plan on family drama occurring and figure out a way to make it work for me. Not in a mean, calculating way but more along the lines that given her history, your aunt is going to have a financial crisis in the near future and need some money.

It may be too soon but I would have a heart to heart with your mom and sister and come up with a plan to finance buying out your aunt's share. Perhaps not all at once; depending on her financial needs perhaps 20% at a go. There are many ways to do this, from getting a bank loan to owner financing depending on whether the party being bought out needs a lump sum or a stream of income or a combination of both.

While legally your relatives can force a sale it is expensive and time consuming and everyone will be better off avoiding that process.

Just do it right. Get an appraisal and use a knowledgeable real estate attorney to structure a deal that's fair to everyone.

Good luck. Your dad would be proud of you.

[NastyWoman]

Aug 15, 2014 14:45:42 GMT -5 movingforward said:

So sorry for your loss.  I am glad your mom has good friends.  They will certainly help her get through this tragedy. 

 And my condolences on your loss

[gacpa]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and kindness.  I am sort of a redhead too, strawberry blond, but going white now that I am in my 50's.

Mom and I and little sis will stand together.  If the opportunity comes that the siblings want out, we will be prepared to act.  My mom would most definitely hire a real estate attorney and get an appraisal if necessary.  As I said, she has a head for business.

We want to avoid a forced sale, and I think it is in everyone's interest if we try to work together.  But we also need to be aware of options available in case the situation changes on us.

My dad could be hard to get along with, but in the end, he did do a lot of good things and did try to help people whenever he could.  That is what we must remember always, his actions and not his words.