muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 14, 2014 11:45:29 GMT -5
Your children were NEVER alone with your husband? A crying baby that doesn't stop freaks me out. He would be alone with them if I were outside or in another room, but I never left him alone with them and went anywhere until they were older. I feel bad for your kids and your husband. I get that you are of a different generation, but fathers today are expected to be able to deal with babies (at least in my circle). They don't get a free pass because they are men. I hope that we continue to make progress as a society where our gender stops pigeon holing us into what we can and can't do (besides giving birth and breastfeeding).
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 14, 2014 11:50:31 GMT -5
I truly can't understand that. I would not intentionally have children with someone who I didn't feel would take care of them. The idea that men are not trustworthy around kids, even their own... I don't know what to say, but that perception makes me very sad. My dad and my dh are wonderful caregivers. My son talks about growing up and having his own kids so he can take care of them. That mentality absolutely says to me that you believe most men would hurt children. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't believe that MOST men would hurt children, just that when it comes to child abuse it's (IMHO) usually the men who cause it. But because some men hurt children, no men can be trusted? There are definitely women who abuse children, but you wouldn't take that and apply it to all women. Probably because you feel that there is something wrong with a women who abuses kids, but that it is somehow normal or an expected behavior from men. Do your kids parent that way as well? Do your sons/son in laws not care for their own kids? Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:52:29 GMT -5
Where did I say that " Most men abuse children"? I didn't. And no, I never left any male alone with my children. Not even my husband. A crying baby that wouldn't stop freaked him out. you seriously never left your kids alone with your husband? I find that absolutely pathetic. My ex stayed home with our first until she was 9 months old. I think it's a sad state when men refer to being with their kids as babysitting or they can't watch them by themselves. I had women I worked with who, when they went on travel, their mother or MIL had to come stay with the husband because he couldn't handle his kids on his own. I simply think that mothers are gifted with a patience with children that some men don't have. My husband is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met, yet I know how easily he can freak out when put under too much stress, coming from too many directions. More than likely nothing would have happened, but I never wanted to take that chance. It's not pathetic. It's being protective in a situation where I can foresee a problem.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 11:54:22 GMT -5
you seriously never left your kids alone with your husband? I find that absolutely pathetic. My ex stayed home with our first until she was 9 months old. I think it's a sad state when men refer to being with their kids as babysitting or they can't watch them by themselves. I had women I worked with who, when they went on travel, their mother or MIL had to come stay with the husband because he couldn't handle his kids on his own. I simply think that mothers are gifted with a patience with children that some men don't have. My husband is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met, yet I know how easily he can freak out when put under too much stress, coming from too many directions. More than likely nothing would have happened, but I never wanted to take that chance. It's not pathetic. It's being protective in a situation where I can foresee a problem. It's also not giving him a chance to stretch and grow as a person. And I had to snort at the mothers are gifted with patience but I clearly was standing behind a door when they were handing out that gift.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:54:48 GMT -5
He would be alone with them if I were outside or in another room, but I never left him alone with them and went anywhere until they were older. I feel bad for your kids and your husband. I get that you are of a different generation, but fathers today are expected to be able to deal with babies (at least in my circle). They don't get a free pass because they are men. I hope that we continue to make progress as a society where our gender stops pigeon holing us into what we can and can't do (besides giving birth and breastfeeding). My dad was born in 1928 and I was born in 1965 (they adopted me at 5 weeks). when I was an infant my dad did all of the night feeding because my mother let me roll off the changing table one time. it has nothing to do with being a different generation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:55:13 GMT -5
I don't believe that MOST men would hurt children, just that when it comes to child abuse it's (IMHO) usually the men who cause it. But because some men hurt children, no men can be trusted? There are definitely women who abuse children, but you wouldn't take that and apply it to all women. Probably because you feel that there is something wrong with a women who abuses kids, but that it is somehow normal or an expected behavior from men. Do your kids parent that way as well? Do your sons/son in laws not care for their own kids? Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards Bold. You're putting words in my mouth. Where did I say that? My grand kids were never left alone with their fathers when they were babies.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 14, 2014 11:55:43 GMT -5
you seriously never left your kids alone with your husband? I find that absolutely pathetic. My ex stayed home with our first until she was 9 months old. I think it's a sad state when men refer to being with their kids as babysitting or they can't watch them by themselves. I had women I worked with who, when they went on travel, their mother or MIL had to come stay with the husband because he couldn't handle his kids on his own. I simply think that mothers are gifted with a patience with children that some men don't have. My husband is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met, yet I know how easily he can freak out when put under too much stress, coming from too many directions. More than likely nothing would have happened, but I never wanted to take that chance. It's not pathetic. It's being protective in a situation where I can foresee a problem. I'm the more likely to be less patient and melt down under the stress of an infant than DH is. WAY more likely. I didn't like the baby stage or the toddler stage. at. all. Sure, they're cute but tons of stress.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:55:54 GMT -5
Both my boy's Dads were very good with infants. Neither of my kids were criers though, so nothing to push you over the edge. Thank God, because I don't think I could have dealt with a colicy or super fussy baby either.
I do believe that statistically men are far more likely to harm kids than women, but it's so often boyfriends and stepfathers. It's like if the biological link isn't there the risk level goes up.
There are certainly plenty of abusing females (nanny cams) and women that hurt/kill their kids as well.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:56:09 GMT -5
I simply think that mothers are gifted with a patience with children that some men don't have. My husband is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met, yet I know how easily he can freak out when put under too much stress, coming from too many directions. More than likely nothing would have happened, but I never wanted to take that chance. It's not pathetic. It's being protective in a situation where I can foresee a problem. It's also not giving him a chance to stretch and grow as a person. And I had to snort at the mothers are gifted with patience but I clearly was standing behind a door when they were handing out that gift. Sorry. My bad. "Most women."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:56:35 GMT -5
I simply think that mothers are gifted with a patience with children that some men don't have. My husband is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met, yet I know how easily he can freak out when put under too much stress, coming from too many directions. More than likely nothing would have happened, but I never wanted to take that chance. It's not pathetic. It's being protective in a situation where I can foresee a problem. It's also not giving him a chance to stretch and grow as a person. And I had to snort at the mothers are gifted with patience but I clearly was standing behind a door when they were handing out that gift. seriously....when my kids were little, I picked them up the second they cried because I couldn't stand hearing it. I never did cry it out because listening to them would have sent me over the edge. It saddens me that in 2014 we still have these sorts or stereotypes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:59:34 GMT -5
Both my boy's Dads were very good with infants. Neither of my kids were criers though, so nothing to push you over the edge. Thank God, because I don't think I could have dealt with a colicy or super fussy baby either. I do believe that statistically men are far more likely to harm kids than women, but it's so often boyfriends and stepfathers. It's like if the biological link isn't there the risk level goes up. There are certainly plenty of abusing females (nanny cams) and women that hurt/kill their kids as well. My brother was awesome with his babies and was often left alone with them. He has a lot of patience and the ability to multi-task under stressful situations. Nothing bothered him. My husband couldn't even be in the same room I was in if I was changing a messy diaper.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 14, 2014 11:59:38 GMT -5
you seriously never left your kids alone with your husband? I find that absolutely pathetic. My ex stayed home with our first until she was 9 months old. I think it's a sad state when men refer to being with their kids as babysitting or they can't watch them by themselves. I had women I worked with who, when they went on travel, their mother or MIL had to come stay with the husband because he couldn't handle his kids on his own. I simply think that mothers are gifted with a patience with children that some men don't have. My husband is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met, yet I know how easily he can freak out when put under too much stress, coming from too many directions. More than likely nothing would have happened, but I never wanted to take that chance. It's not pathetic. It's being protective in a situation where I can foresee a problem. Please Please Please tell me where I can be gifted with the patience, my husband has it, but I sure don't. I guess I was standing in the wrong line when they handed that out.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Aug 14, 2014 12:00:49 GMT -5
But because some men hurt children, no men can be trusted? There are definitely women who abuse children, but you wouldn't take that and apply it to all women. Probably because you feel that there is something wrong with a women who abuses kids, but that it is somehow normal or an expected behavior from men. Do your kids parent that way as well? Do your sons/son in laws not care for their own kids? Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards Bold. You're putting words in my mouth. Where did I say that? My grand kids were never left alone with their fathers when they were babies. Thats seriously bothersome I guess fruit does ot fall too far from the tree?! Your perception of men seems to have clouded your kids perception too.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 12:01:06 GMT -5
It's also not giving him a chance to stretch and grow as a person. And I had to snort at the mothers are gifted with patience but I clearly was standing behind a door when they were handing out that gift. seriously....when my kids were little, I picked them up the second they cried because I couldn't stand hearing it. I never did cry it out because listening to them would have sent me over the edge. It saddens me that in 2014 we still have these sorts or stereotypes. I used to wake DH up in the night to keep my company when I was retraining myself to not leap into action at DD's every sound in the middle of the night. This was the "give her 1 minute" to see if she'd roll over and go back to sleep or what stage.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 12:01:22 GMT -5
I simply think that mothers are gifted with a patience with children that some men don't have. My husband is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met, yet I know how easily he can freak out when put under too much stress, coming from too many directions. More than likely nothing would have happened, but I never wanted to take that chance. It's not pathetic. It's being protective in a situation where I can foresee a problem. I'm the more likely to be less patient and melt down under the stress of an infant than DH is. WAY more likely. I didn't like the baby stage or the toddler stage. at. all. Sure, they're cute but tons of stress. I love the baby stage, but toddler/preschool is maddening for me. I struggle tremendously, and occasionally just lose it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 12:04:04 GMT -5
I'm the more likely to be less patient and melt down under the stress of an infant than DH is. WAY more likely. I didn't like the baby stage or the toddler stage. at. all. Sure, they're cute but tons of stress. I love the baby stage, but toddler/preschool is maddening for me. I struggle tremendously, and occasionally just lose it. I think we have all been there. Now I am struggling having to deal with a mere puppy and thinking how in the world did I ever stay sane raising kids.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Aug 14, 2014 12:14:30 GMT -5
It's also not giving him a chance to stretch and grow as a person. And I had to snort at the mothers are gifted with patience but I clearly was standing behind a door when they were handing out that gift. seriously....when my kids were little, I picked them up the second they cried because I couldn't stand hearing it. I never did cry it out because listening to them would have sent me over the edge. It saddens me that in 2014 we still have these sorts or stereotypes.Me too, but sometimes it's because people hold onto the old gender-roles and don't want to change. DH was raised with very strict gender roles: men do (this), women do (this). DH's mom is crazy when it comes to that type of thing. I absolutely hate it. There are several times I've found myself telling DH something and adding, "This isn't 1950 you know!" So just because I (and most other woman) want and expect gender-equality when it comes to raising kids, doesn't mean it's going to happen with everyone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 12:25:59 GMT -5
seriously....when my kids were little, I picked them up the second they cried because I couldn't stand hearing it. I never did cry it out because listening to them would have sent me over the edge. It saddens me that in 2014 we still have these sorts or stereotypes.Me too, but sometimes it's because people hold onto the old gender-roles and don't want to change. DH was raised with very strict gender roles: men do (this), women do (this). DH's mom is crazy when it comes to that type of thing. I absolutely hate it. There are several times I've found myself telling DH something and adding, "This isn't 1950 you know!" So just because I (and most other woman) want and expect gender-equality when it comes to raising kids, doesn't mean it's going to happen with everyone. I looked at your profile - you're 41, how old is your DH? I'm 49 and was not raised with gender stereotypes
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Aug 14, 2014 12:31:09 GMT -5
Me too, but sometimes it's because people hold onto the old gender-roles and don't want to change. DH was raised with very strict gender roles: men do (this), women do (this). DH's mom is crazy when it comes to that type of thing. I absolutely hate it. There are several times I've found myself telling DH something and adding, "This isn't 1950 you know!" So just because I (and most other woman) want and expect gender-equality when it comes to raising kids, doesn't mean it's going to happen with everyone. I looked at your profile - you're 41, how old is your DH? I'm 49 and was not raised with gender stereotypes He's 53 but his mom ingrained those gender-roles into her kids. The girls were to cook and clean and take care of their brothers! The boys were just to be "good men". Gag. Thankfully, overall DH has risen above that (or we would not be married!).
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Aug 14, 2014 12:32:33 GMT -5
seriously....when my kids were little, I picked them up the second they cried because I couldn't stand hearing it. I never did cry it out because listening to them would have sent me over the edge.
That brought back a memory. DS was about 4 and threw a massive temper tantrum. I just let him go. About an hour later (not an exaggeration) he was still screaming and crying. DH came home from work and just looked at him. I held up my hand and said "don't you dare intervene". DH just looked at him and said " you're not going to win. Mom will wait you out. She's way more stubborn that you will ever be." and left the room.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Aug 14, 2014 12:33:19 GMT -5
BTW, it really has nothing to do with age. His mom is still like that today! Thankfully, due to health issues, she doesn't have much influence over all the grandchildren and they are being raised normally.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 14, 2014 12:36:44 GMT -5
Shoot, DH and I grew up in very conservative, traditional households with SAHMs and even though we fall into some of the stereotypical patterns (he does yardwork on Sat mornings while I clean bathrooms), I still wouldn't think to not leave him alone with our children. He's way more patient with DD and I think it's very important that a dad is left alone with his kids to be able to bond with them. I try not to hover over him when he's dealing with DD. It may not be my way of doing something, but it's not harmful or wrong. She needs to know that both of us are capable of caring for her. Always letting mom take care of everything tends to let kids know that dad can't be trusted.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 14, 2014 12:42:24 GMT -5
seriously....when my kids were little, I picked them up the second they cried because I couldn't stand hearing it. I never did cry it out because listening to them would have sent me over the edge.That brought back a memory. DS was about 4 and threw a massive temper tantrum. I just let him go. About an hour later (not an exaggeration) he was still screaming and crying. DH came home from work and just looked at him. I held up my hand and said "don't you dare intervene". DH just looked at him and said " you're not going to win. Mom will wait you out. She's way more stubborn that you will ever be." and left the room. My son pukes after about 10 minutes of crying. If I do ntervene I don't have to clean up puke. If I don't intervene I have to clean up puke AND calm down a hysterical kid who's even more upset because he puked.
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Aug 14, 2014 12:46:28 GMT -5
I am NOT a baby person at all. I loved my babies, but their crying drove me insane. When DS2 was little he had bad colic. When DH got home from work, I would hand him the baby and leave. I just couldn't take the crying anymore. I needed a few hours to myself, to just hear myself think. When we were trying to train him to sleep in his crib, DH would send me for a walk because the baby crying would make me cry. I just couldn't take it. DH was far more patient with them when they were babies.
None of my kids babysit. My oldest son did it once. It wasn't his cup of tea. The mom called for him other times, but he declined. DD wants to babysit, but I do not have friends with little kids for the most part. I am not sure I would trust her to babysit anyway. She can be very ditzy at times. I would be afraid she would be busy taking a selfie and the kid would run into the street or something.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 14, 2014 13:13:46 GMT -5
We had 9 hours in the car yesterday driving home from college visits in Winnipeg and we got to talking about babies, dads, etc. DH was (still is) a very hands on dad. He got up with DS a solid 50% of the time - if not more. Changed more than his share of dirty diapers, etc.
I told DS that is the type of dad he needs to be when he grows up and has kids. Frankly I'd be very disappointed in my son (and his choice of a wife) if he wasn't "allowed" to be home alone with the kids and/or didn't pull his own weight with the baby/kid raising of it all.
My BIL used to brag about never having changed a diaper (so for 5 years my sister changed every single dirty diaper for their two kids). My dad finally told my BIL- "I wouldn't be bragging about that if I were you because that just tells people that you are a lazy dad". My Dad did have to sit him down and tell him that he needed to step up and be a more active parent.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 14, 2014 13:53:36 GMT -5
If I weren't allowed to (or didn't feel I could) leave DH home with DD, I would have to quit my job, since he picks her up from daycare sometimes. She was a fussy infant and the crying truly drove me insane. If I didn't have the ability to hand her off and leave the house occasionally I would have lost it. I'm sure some was PPD-related, but if there was a chance one of us was going to harm DD, it would have been me. I guess I was in the wrong line with Muttley and Beth when they were handing out patience to all the women. Actually, if I didn't feel I could leave DH alone with DD, she wouldn't be here, because why would I choose to have a child with someone I don't trust?
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Aug 14, 2014 14:06:29 GMT -5
Actually, if I didn't feel I could leave DH alone with DD, she wouldn't be here, because why would I choose to have a child with someone I don't trust?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 14, 2014 14:10:52 GMT -5
seriously....when my kids were little, I picked them up the second they cried because I couldn't stand hearing it. I never did cry it out because listening to them would have sent me over the edge.That brought back a memory. DS was about 4 and threw a massive temper tantrum. I just let him go. About an hour later (not an exaggeration) he was still screaming and crying. DH came home from work and just looked at him. I held up my hand and said "don't you dare intervene". DH just looked at him and said " you're not going to win. Mom will wait you out. She's way more stubborn that you will ever be." and left the room. My son pukes after about 10 minutes of crying. If I do ntervene I don't have to clean up puke. If I don't intervene I have to clean up puke AND calm down a hysterical kid who's even more upset because he puked. I would take him outside and hold the hose waiting. Maybe it's best I never had children. I have zero patience with any kind of screaming or crying. DH would be better at tuning it out but he'd have no idea what to do. We have 7 nieces and nephews between us and I was always the primary care giver when we baby sat. Only one baby didn't scare me. We just took to each other and he was a preemie which was even more fragile than average weight babies but for some reason I never thought I'd break him. We both do better with toddlers and older. Plus they are more fun. I would totally trust DH with that age but my house would probably need to be burned down when I got home. He'd be right in there smearing God knows what on the walls.
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Aug 14, 2014 16:06:57 GMT -5
I looked at your profile - you're 41, how old is your DH? I'm 49 and was not raised with gender stereotypes He's 53 but his mom ingrained those gender-roles into her kids. The girls were to cook and clean and take care of their brothers! The boys were just to be "good men". Gag. Thankfully, overall DH has risen above that (or we would not be married!). My mom is 48 and was raised the same way. She had to stay in and cook, clean, and take care of her 4 brothers while they did whatever they wanted. I was raised by a single mom (minus a few stepdads) so there was no such thing as "men's work" or "women's work" in our house.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 14, 2014 16:11:18 GMT -5
He's 53 but his mom ingrained those gender-roles into her kids. The girls were to cook and clean and take care of their brothers! The boys were just to be "good men". Gag. Thankfully, overall DH has risen above that (or we would not be married!). My mom is 48 and was raised the same way. She had to stay in and cook, clean, and take care of her 4 brothers while they did whatever they wanted. I was raised by a single mom (minus a few stepdads) so there was no such thing as "men's work" or "women's work" in our house. I'm almost 40 and was raised that way, but not really. They never said it but dad did the yard work, mom was a SAHM, dad never even got his plate to the sink much less washed it or put it in the dishwasher. They only had girls so we did take out trash but I don't remember doing much in the yard at all. Mom is just a princess in general though, a couple of days ago she told me that she'd pick my DD up from school because "girls don't ride the bus". SHE is the one who told me she was done picking kids up at the end of the last school year, I'm still not sure what she thought I'd do then since I have a job and all.
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