Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 15, 2014 7:43:04 GMT -5
In the marriage contract thread there was a post made, that was agreed with by the poster and three others. As I have been thinking about the last line of the original post, I'm wondering does openness and honesty generally pay off in romantic relationships when the person who wants to hear the honest truth hears something they don't like?
Here's the post and a response.
When dealing with one's kids, you often hear if you tell me the truth we can work on whatever it is together, My instinct was those who want honesty want it for their own needs not because they will treat their partner any better depending on what they hear. This is different from children as parents tend to give lesser punishments if the child confesses right away, but as a long time reader of YM and the judgments therein, it seems adults are assumed more often than not that any undesired behavior is forever and the significant other should kick them to the curb instead of working things out. (Not true for all posters, but does appear to me to be the concensus in many YM threads.)
So please share. Has there been a time where you were more generous to your partner because they were open and honest? What are the things you are more likely to forgive or work on if they are open and honest?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 15, 2014 7:51:02 GMT -5
DH has always been open with me about the fact he used to abuse drugs. I've known about it since we started dating.
I do think that helped me forgive him for his relapse and work thru it. I married him knowing full well he was a recovering addict. IMO it wasn't right to kick him to the curb because of a relapse. I felt I should at least try to work things out.
If he'd hidden his relapse from me I would have left because there is no way I could have ever been sure he wasn't still hiding it from me. But he came to me, confessed and would have walked thru fire to prove to me that he wasn't going to let it happen again.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 15, 2014 8:02:13 GMT -5
DQ, yours was one of the stories I expected that shows why honesty can work for a mistake someone doesn't want to repeat. I'm impressed that both you and your DH worked to fix things. I think that shows great character on both your parts.
I am actually wondering more about those cases where its something you don't want to hear and perhaps it isn't a one and done situation. A situation where perhaps you both aren't on board for the same outcome initially.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 9:49:47 GMT -5
I don't think 100% honesty exists in the world and I'm not sure it even should.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 15, 2014 9:53:19 GMT -5
I don't think 100% honesty exists in the world and I'm not sure it even should. I don't want DH to tell me my ass looks fat. I know it does.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 9:55:31 GMT -5
Being honest doesn't mean saying everything that comes to your head.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 9:56:32 GMT -5
I don't think 100% honesty exists in the world and I'm not sure it even should. I don't want DH to tell me my ass looks fat. I know it does. Nothing wrong with that...
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 15, 2014 10:04:15 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 10:08:21 GMT -5
Oh bean, ... Sorry this is happening.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jul 15, 2014 10:10:49 GMT -5
I'm not sure. My DH worked late Tueday night, Thursday Night Friday Night and at least 8 hours on Sat. He got home at about 9:30 on Friday. He claimed he was "working" but I drove to his office and home and was home for a long time before he arrived. He said "I was working" I said yeah right. He said "I stopped at the grocery store, see I have groceries". Groceries were an uneatten Salad, and a box of Mangos. I said so you went to the store earlier. He then indicated that his assistant got the salad for his lunch and he was so busy he did not have time to eat. I told him I need to find someone to "Date" b/c I am bored. He always insists he is working. I figure he is in sales so if he goes in the bar, he is meeting potential customers, so it qualifies as "working". I always assume people beleive him and think I am the worlds worst wife, but I told the wife of one of his best friends one of his stories and she was like yeah right, and responded with my exact thought. I don't think I can stand to live like this for too much longer, but my youngest is a senior in HS. I figure I will hold out at least a year maybe through her college years. I don't think I can afford to walk away for another year or two, so if he was honest with me and I felt forced to make a decision that would affect me negatively in the here and now, IDK. Sorry, that that is happening to you, bean. Yes, you are right to be suspicious. I'd let it ride until your youngest is done with h.s., and then see about things after ward, but it's not right. I think that you could suggest marital counseling and see how he responds. I went through some similar circumstances toward the end of my first marriage.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 15, 2014 10:10:53 GMT -5
Dh had a major fuck up early in our relationship that he didn't tell me about until he was busted and had to. That would never fly with me now. I'm not sure what I would have done if he had been honest upfront, but being blindsided doesn't work for me.
Dh also spent about a year not telling me about his work, stress, or any negative feelings. That didn't work well because he was an ass that entire time and I didn't know why.
I guess if he had a one time affair that could be a tough call on what to disclose. Telling me has a 50/50 chance I'd leave. Not telling me, and me finding out later is guaranteed I'd leave.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 15, 2014 10:15:08 GMT -5
Bean, get your ducks in a row because he may be waiting until you gets one with HS as well, meaning no child support.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 10:18:32 GMT -5
For me, if I ask you a question, I want you to tell me the truth. The flip side of that is, for the hard questions (and answers) I've learned to not ask the question if I'm not prepared to hear an answer that might hurt.
I've heard people say they lie to their SO to keep them from being hurt. That's usually about something big like infidelity and I think the excuse about lying to protect their SO is bullshit. They lie so they can keep doing what they're doing.
I just don't like being deceived or lied to. In relationships, lying takes away my freedom to choose. If you have a side chick and I ask you about it, tell me the truth and let me deal with it. I might not care about it enough to kick you to the curb. But it's MY choice to make, don't try to choose for me by lying to me. I feel that way about anything a SO might be doing that's contrary to what we've agreed on or could cause me harm, not just infidelity.
I do agree that not everyone that says they want honesty really wants to hear the truth. I do. Honesty is a really big deal to me.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 15, 2014 10:24:20 GMT -5
There is openness and then there is too much information.
For years, I've been very open and honest with my husband about what I think of his parents and their choices, etc etc etc.
Nothing good ever came out of it. I didn't "open his eyes" to anything and they certainly have never changed. The only thing it accomplished is caused us to fight and hurt his feelings.
So....just bc some things can be said, doesn't mean they should be. I think it's much more important to look at the big picture and figure out what your honesty will accomplish
On the flip side - I always want to know everything, but that's bc for me it's much harder to deal with unknown than anything else, if it's bad
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 15, 2014 10:26:51 GMT -5
I'm not sure. My DH worked late Tueday night, Thursday Night Friday Night and at least 8 hours on Sat. He got home at about 9:30 on Friday. He claimed he was "working" but I drove to his office and home and was home for a long time before he arrived. He said "I was working" I said yeah right. He said "I stopped at the grocery store, see I have groceries". Groceries were an uneatten Salad, and a box of Mangos. I said so you went to the store earlier. He then indicated that his assistant got the salad for his lunch and he was so busy he did not have time to eat. I told him I need to find someone to "Date" b/c I am bored. He always insists he is working. I figure he is in sales so if he goes in the bar, he is meeting potential customers, so it qualifies as "working". I always assume people beleive him and think I am the worlds worst wife, but I told the wife of one of his best friends one of his stories and she was like yeah right, and responded with my exact thought. I don't think I can stand to live like this for too much longer, but my youngest is a senior in HS. I figure I will hold out at least a year maybe through her college years. I don't think I can afford to walk away for another year or two, so if he was honest with me and I felt forced to make a decision that would affect me negatively in the here and now, IDK. Sorry to hear that Bean. I would worry too. Hard to know if he just prefers not being home or whether he's testing the waters and not ready to leave you yet.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 15, 2014 10:28:15 GMT -5
I think there are limits. I am pretty sure I do not have it in me to forgive infidelity...as such, unless my husband wanted a divorce I would never want to know if he cheated on me. Not that I would want to stay married to him if he cheated, but if it was a one time mistake that he regretted, I would not want him to confess.
I also believe in tiny white lies so as not to hurt the others feelings. If I get a bad hair cut and am upset, I wouldn't want to hear "yeah, you look like hell".
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 15, 2014 10:28:21 GMT -5
There is openness and then there is too much information. With this whole debacle with our former pediatrician I've learned things about people who were a tad too vocal. Sometimes there are things that once learned you can't unlearn about people and it colors your opinion of them from that point forward. There are times when honesty/openness is not the best policy and you should really not say anything.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 10:34:05 GMT -5
On the flip side - I always want to know everything, but that's bc for me it's much harder to deal with unknown than anything else, if it's bad
I don't always want to know everything, but it's very hard for me also to deal with unknown. I don't like wondering, I'd rather know what's what, even if it's bad.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 10:48:12 GMT -5
I think there are limits. I am pretty sure I do not have it in me to forgive infidelity...as such, unless my husband wanted a divorce I would never want to know if he cheated on me. Not that I would want to stay married to him if he cheated, but if it was a one time mistake that he regretted, I would not want him to confess. I also believe in tiny white lies so as not to hurt the others feelings. If I get a bad hair cut and am upset, I wouldn't want to hear "yeah, you look like hell". I have one friend I know will always give me her honest opinion about my hair or clothes, good or bad. If she puts her head down and looks sad, I know she's going to say "I don't like it" in a sad, little girl voice. She's being serious when she does that, but it's always funny to me. I appreciate having someone that will tell me their honest opinion. As far as infidelity, I know people that are married to serial cheaters. It's well known what these people do. These are long-term marriages and I've been trying to figure out for years, what goes on in the other spouses head, why they stay. I don't see how they could not know, everybody else knows. A couple of the cheaters have told me all their business and I asked them a few questions since they felt like talking, trying to understand how it works, what's the point. Some of the answers boggled my naive little mind.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 15, 2014 10:54:55 GMT -5
DH is not able to hide things from me well. He tends to volunteer information even when he knows it'll get him in trouble, and he cannot lie to save his life. This is both good and bad (it would be nice for him to at least be able to tell white lies to get us out of social engagements... and forget about surprise parties. ) I can think of a few times after he "quit" smoking but had started again, and I could smell it on him. I never said anything, and he always ended up confessing a day or two later, amid terrible guilt. He's been smoke-free for about 18 months now, so we haven't had any of those conversations for a while. But, to answer the OP, if DH did manage to hide something from me and I found out about it, I'd be seriously pissed. Usually when he does confess something he's so distraught that I can't really do anything without feeling like I'm kicking a puppy. So I guess openness/honesty makes it easier for me to forgive...
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 15, 2014 11:01:05 GMT -5
I don't think 100% honesty exists in the world and I'm not sure it even should. I don't want DH to tell me my ass looks fat. I know it does. Does it LOOKS big or it is big? And if it is - its your asset. Not fault.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 15, 2014 11:02:13 GMT -5
I didn't get this:
Has there been a time where you were more generous to your partner because they were open and honest?
What does it mean?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 15, 2014 11:07:09 GMT -5
There is openness and then there is too much information. For years, I've been very open and honest with my husband about what I think of his parents and their choices, etc etc etc. I think this is not the truth and openness we are talking about at all. Talking about in-laws is totally separate entity IMO that anything else. period
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 15, 2014 11:32:16 GMT -5
... I'm wondering does openness and honesty generally pay off in romantic relationships ... I have generally found that openness and honesty rarely leads to more sex so the pay off hasn't been there for me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 15, 2014 11:45:04 GMT -5
Good luck with that. Sounds like he already has someone he can respect and you get to be the whipping boy. Start making copies of your tax returns as well as squirrel some cash away. Are your kids his as well?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jul 15, 2014 12:06:27 GMT -5
There is openness and then there is too much information.
With this whole debacle with our former pediatrician I've learned things about people who were a tad too vocal. Sometimes there are things that once learned you can't unlearn about people and it colors your opinion of them from that point forward. There are times when honesty/openness is not the best policy and you should really not say anything. I lose a lot of respect for people around political season time, or like with the Hobby Lobby case. Amazing the stuff people will rant about on Facebook. DH and I are honest with each other, even if it's embarassing or seems to be something little. He will call and tell me when he has a work lunch with the pretty office girl, just to give me the heads-up even though I don't worry about it at all and never asked that he call me first. Just something he feels like doing to keep things in check so it won't be an issue later. We talk about where we spend money and have access to each other's accounts. There have been times when I messed things up in our billpay account and bounced a check because I got the dates wrong, but I let him know even though it would be easier to not mention it since he rarely checks that account. We tell each other where we are going and when we will be back. Seems like staying in communication on the small things has helped to prevent any big issues from creeping in so far.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 15, 2014 12:09:41 GMT -5
If my DH had an affair, I would leave - immediately. We have no children so we have nothing tying us together except a commitment to be together. Why would I stay with a man who doesn't want to stay with me?
I could unwind the property pretty fast - it's only "stuff." I have 10 more years to work so I have time to squirrel away more $$.
It's only "stuff." The relationship is what matters to me, so if he's going to break our commitment - I'm gone.
JMHO YMMV
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2014 12:12:35 GMT -5
I'd consider going now, or at least starting the discussion. If DD actually doesn't have a vlue, depending on her personality, it could be just one more pressure for her first year of college .. Could go either way.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 15, 2014 12:22:38 GMT -5
There is openness and then there is too much information. For years, I've been very open and honest with my husband about what I think of his parents and their choices, etc etc etc. I think this is not the truth and openness we are talking about at all. Talking about in-laws is totally separate entity IMO that anything else. period Not if it effects your life in many different ways.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jul 15, 2014 12:29:59 GMT -5
I think this is not the truth and openness we are talking about at all. Talking about in-laws is totally separate entity IMO that anything else. period Not if it effects your life in many different ways. I just don't know anybody who would sugar-coated in-law problems. Like 'your mother and father are great'! Have you ever heard that IF they are not in fact great? I think we are always love to hate our in-laws
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