What did/do you want from a spouse/SO...

[Opti]

and do you think that goes along with what society tells you should

want or does it differ?

This thread is in response to Shaun's assertion in an EE thread:

"The guy did everything our society says he should. He's in shape. He makes good money. That's pretty much the entire list for guys. It's not his fault he's angry. Our culture has led him to believe he should have hot women lining up to marry him."

But I think also makes a good companion thread to the 'what do you look for

in someone to marry' thread.

I'll just say for now, I was looking for a whole lot more than he's in shape and

makes good money.

[Deleted]

A companion. A partner. Someone who has your back. Someone to talk to. Intimacy. 

[The Captain]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

(and a nice ass doesn't hurt either)  

[swamp]

Sex and dinner. 

[busymom]

I always considered a great paycheck & a hot body to be icing on the cake.

The important stuff was: how does he treat me? (and other members of my family) Is he polite? (opening doors, etc.) Are our belief systems compatible?  How many kids does he want, & will he back me when they need discipline?  Does he have any addiction problems, or does he live life in general in moderation?  How well (or poorly) does he handle the money he has?  Does he have a good work ethic, or does he prefer to lay around the house?  Does he understand that cars & houses need to be maintained (repairs) and cleaned?  I could go on.... 

[Jake 48]

Jul 11, 2014 18:28:22 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sex and dinner. 

Swamp this is perfect, it always was dinner then sex. Now with you I get sex first, shit I could take you to McDonald's, what would I care, got what I wanted

[swamp]

I'm too full after dinner for sex. 

[Opti]

Jul 11, 2014 19:05:32 GMT -5 swamp said:

I'm too full after dinner for sex. 

That's why you try to marry the right guy.

That way you can have a light dinner then sex some nights,

Great dinners and no sex or meh sex

or sex and maybe dinner or food later.

I will agree going out for a big meal is not conducive to wanting

sex shortly thereafter.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I was looking for a guy who was employed in a career that he enjoyed, for which he was well-suited, and which paid decently.

I was looking for a guy who wasn't freaked out or intimidated by the career I had at the time.

I was looking for a guy who did not want children and who did not already have children.

I was looking for a guy who was like-minded on matters of faith.

I was looking for a guy who was like-minded on matters of politics.

I was looking for a guy who was like-minded on matters of money.

I was looking for a guy who was REALLY nice, considerate, kind and loving.

I was looking for a guy with a great sense of humor.

I was looking for a guy who didn't think I needed to be changed or improved and who liked/loved me with all of my flaws, faults and failings.

I was looking for a guy who liked cats.

(The fact that he turned out to be a good looking fighter pilot was actually a delightful bonus!)

[Deleted]

I met my wife at 17, got together at 18 and married at 23.

When I met he all I cared about was: hot, boobs, BJ and does she give it up.

Now if I were dating I might keep that basic list and just add on to it : self supporting, ambitious, financially on the same page.

[violagirl]

I don't recall having a "list" of must/haves like I was out shopping for groceries. We just always were comfortable together. I'm not comfortable instantly with a lot of people and only have a few "bosom" friends, but he was one of them.

He is also wicked smart which I respect and a hard worker. I also noticed he was ambitious -  he worked at a grocery store in the produce department but I could tell he would not be content to work in the produce department for the rest of his life. Treated his mother nicely. Was generous and kind to his friends. 

When we got married I thought we were sooo much alike. After about 5 years I realized we are total opposites in many ways but I didn't see that at the time. 

I have now come to the conclusion that you should be married to someone who is opposite to you in many ways, yes they are annoying sometimes, but when we meet in the middle on a decision we are able to both be happy and probably end up making better decisions than if we had gone all my way (sold the house and went vagabonding) or his way (stay in an apartment and put all our money in savings). 

At the 7 year mark I went through the why did i marry this person!! phase, but realized the only changes I can make were to myself. I could wish he would be other than what he is but that is not something I can change. I can encourage change but I can't nag it into being. Once I let that go we got through it.  Besides as much as I would like to have a husband that was more open to discussing his feelings and mine, deep down I know I would just find that annoying in reality. 

[Shooby]

I want a sense of "we are in this together". That our home and family is ours. The housework isn't "mine" and the yardwork isn't "his" ,etc. It is our home and we work together to make it the way we want it.
I trust DH completely and he does me as well. We have never had any issues of trust whatsoever. I trust his fidelity, I trust him with finances, I trust him with the kids and vice versa. We rarely fight about money. We always seem to wind up on the same page even if we don't start there.
He does little things like get up every day before I do to make my coffee. Even days when I work out of town and have to get up at 430am. He puts gas in my car. I haven't put gas in my car in ages.
We have very similar opinions in matters of faith and politics and general outlook on life. He is a good dad and does a lot with our kids. And, he would rather spend time with me than anyone else.

[Deleted]

No children, no smoking, no god, and no drama..  I got all but the last one.  

[whoisjohngalt]

Kindness, integrity, family values, same religion, sense of humor and not lazy.

I got all of it, except one of those he has a little too much of.  I am learning to deal with it.

[kittensaver]

If I were looking again, I don't think my "list" would change much:

- gainfully employed or gainfully retired/self-sufficient

- comfortable in his own skin; doesn't take himself too seriously; is ambitious but not relentlessly driven; understands the need for balance in life

- a generally happy/optimistic/positive outlook on life

- light, occasional social drinking okay; but no drugs, no addictions (or addiction-like "issues")

- interested in the world around him; healthy enough to travel, pursue hobbies and enjoy the outdoors

- wants to be in a mutually caring, loving and committed relationship

- is psychologically and emotionally capable of being in a mutually caring, loving and committed relationship

- feels his feelings with his heart, but makes his decisions with his head

- is kind to people and animals

[Deleted]

I didn't have a list at 18 when we started dating or at 20 when we married. Remember I had graduated from college and had my first teaching job when we married so I wasn't quite as young as I sound. But I was definitely naïve.  He was five years older.  He was a nice guy, and I think we genuinely loved each other.  But you can see below what went wrong.  Lol.

My list today would be:

- no passive/aggressive game playing.    

- no trying to change me to fit your list. 

- respect.  Respect for me, respect for my values, respect for my family.

- financial responsibility that goes beyond earning a good living.

- kindness.

- intelligence. 

I do think my ex was essentially kind.  His new wife is simply a much better fit for him than I was.  I wish them nothing but the best.

I was wiser the second time around.  Neither of us is perfect, but we are perfect for each other. 

[quince]

I wasn't looking for a spouse- did not ever expect to get married.

My guy is in great shape, is good looking (in my opinion), and does make great money. I point out that his options are not so limited. He stays with my reasonably-earning, overweight, anxious, not particularly feminine self for previously unknown reasons...now there's our son.

Geeky is always a good thing for me. Intelligence. I don't offer much, so I don't ask for much.

Now, however...now I'm spoiled. I have someone who looks good on paper but is great in person. He's a fantastic father, he does not complain at being asked to do tasks around the house, and also does not nag. He doesn't yell. He pays attention to my reserves and gets me to take a break when I need it. He is calm, and forgiving, and fun.  He's on a slightly higher standard of cleanliness than I am, but not a wide enough gap to cause friction.  He's not needy and he puts up with it when I am.  He's patient. He's frugal. 

If he ever leaves me, I'm fucked, because I don't think I could settle for less. I'll be the obese lady making 45K or less looking for the super-hot six-figure earning fellow. (Not really, as the money is the least of my husband's attributes. The combination of the rest of them seems like it would be harder to find.)

[achelois]

Footrubs and fidelity and financial responsibility. 

[zibazinski]

I am also one of those who will never look for another. I'm done with men after this one. He's a keeper and he even was okay with me panicking about getting married. My ex threatened to break up if I didn't marry him. Now I'm older I get that should have been another of many red flags.