happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 11, 2014 10:05:29 GMT -5
I've seen two types- the marriages that blow up suddenly from huge problems - affairs, drug abuse, financial issues - and the marriages where the two people either didn't know each other well enough when they got married, or where they were compatible early on and just grew apart in significant ways. Living down here in the South, the heart of the Bible belt, I've seen some families break up because one person suddenly got religion and wanted to spend all their time (and money) on the church while the other wanted to stay a happy heathen.
DH have been married 31 years and we've both changed a lot, but we're still compatible, fortunately.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 11, 2014 15:21:52 GMT -5
I think most of the marriage failures I've seen have come from trying to change the person you married. People change over time, and develop and mature. But essentially, the person with whom you say "I do" isn't going to change much in terms of core beliefs and personality, unless something drastic like drugs, alcohol or mental illness becomes a factor.
If hubs is a slob who thinks "hamper" is a four-letter word and believes clothes left on the floor are an artistic expression, you aren't going to suddenly make him see differently, even if you smack him topside the noggin every single laundry day. And if the wife's idea of Eighth Amendment-level torture is cleaning the bathrooms, you won't likely change her mind by both of you refusing to do it until someone gives in or the house is condemned.
In other words, what you see is basically what you get, outside influences and natural maturation/growth aside. Telling someone you love them just the way they are, then asking them to change this, this, this and that sends a bit of a mixed signal.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 11, 2014 15:44:09 GMT -5
, you won't likely change her mind by both of you refusing to do it until someone gives in or the house is condemned.
Have you been spying on us? Okay we're not that bad but I've noticed we have this game of chicken going on when it comes to empty toilet paper tubes. Neither one of us picks them up till they practically reach the top of the toilet. I have no idea why because both of us bitch about why can't the other one throw them out before it gets to be a giant tower, yet neither one of us follows thru. Maybe we should make the kid pick them up.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 11, 2014 15:56:10 GMT -5
I think most of the marriage failures I've seen have come from trying to change the person you married. People change over time, and develop and mature. But essentially, the person with whom you say "I do" isn't going to change much in terms of core beliefs and personality, unless something drastic like drugs, alcohol or mental illness becomes a factor. If hubs is a slob who thinks "hamper" is a four-letter word and believes clothes left on the floor are an artistic expression, you aren't going to suddenly make him see differently, even if you smack him topside the noggin every single laundry day. And if the wife's idea of Eighth Amendment-level torture is cleaning the bathrooms, you won't likely change her mind by both of you refusing to do it until someone gives in or the house is condemned. In other words, what you see is basically what you get, outside influences and natural maturation/growth aside. Telling someone you love them just the way they are, then asking them to change this, this, this and that sends a bit of a mixed signal. Sometimes it works the other way. My clothes don't make it into the hamper as regligiously as they did before. This is ENTIRELY DH's fault!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 11, 2014 16:10:47 GMT -5
I think most of the marriage failures I've seen have come from trying to change the person you married. People change over time, and develop and mature. But essentially, the person with whom you say "I do" isn't going to change much in terms of core beliefs and personality, unless something drastic like drugs, alcohol or mental illness becomes a factor. If hubs is a slob who thinks "hamper" is a four-letter word and believes clothes left on the floor are an artistic expression, you aren't going to suddenly make him see differently, even if you smack him topside the noggin every single laundry day. And if the wife's idea of Eighth Amendment-level torture is cleaning the bathrooms, you won't likely change her mind by both of you refusing to do it until someone gives in or the house is condemned. In other words, what you see is basically what you get, outside influences and natural maturation/growth aside. Telling someone you love them just the way they are, then asking them to change this, this, this and that sends a bit of a mixed signal. Sometimes it works the other way. My clothes don't make it into the hamper as regligiously as they did before. This is ENTIRELY DH's fault! Well, duh....of course it's his fault. It was his fault when you married him. You were just too in love to realize it...you cannot fix what he is.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Jul 11, 2014 16:22:42 GMT -5
Clothes that don't make it to the hamper also don't make it to the washer. Clothes are funny that way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 16:30:01 GMT -5
Hamper? What's a hamper?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jul 11, 2014 16:38:52 GMT -5
It's that thing in the back of the closet that you pile our clothes on top of.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 16:42:31 GMT -5
Are you speaking of the bathroom floor?
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jul 11, 2014 17:52:59 GMT -5
My ex thought more of himself than the marriage. He said he wanted all the same things, he just wanted a bunch of other things more. I couldn’t really work with that.
I tend to think of a marriage as a super being. Two people with shared values and common goals working together because those values and goals are paramount. You should still be individuals, have separate goals, and pursue your own happiness, just do all of that with the marriage and overarching goals in mind.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 11, 2014 20:06:21 GMT -5
Do you think that maybe with life being more complex than it was a long time ago, has anything to do with why so many marriages don't make it? I know many will disagree, but I really think that due to our ability to obtain any kind of erotic porn has a lot to do with many deciding to jump the fence to get to that greener grass. I think that divorce is more prevalent now because women aren't trapped in marriages. They have their own money, and society will not brand them with a scarlet D and shun them forever. Instead of men cheating on their wives and the wives just accepting it - they split up. I don't think it is porn. I think it is economics.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 20:15:28 GMT -5
Porn is greener grass?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 11, 2014 20:40:28 GMT -5
Maybe porn makes them believe their is greener grass?
But I agree with thyme, it is just more acceptable to divorce now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 20:48:10 GMT -5
Is porn better these days?
I agree with thyme too...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 20:51:40 GMT -5
Do you think that maybe with life being more complex than it was a long time ago, has anything to do with why so many marriages don't make it? I know many will disagree, but I really think that due to our ability to obtain any kind of erotic porn has a lot to do with many deciding to jump the fence to get to that greener grass. I think that divorce is more prevalent now because women aren't trapped in marriages. They have their own money, and society will not brand them with a scarlet D and shun them forever. Instead of men cheating on their wives and the wives just accepting it - they split up. I don't think it is porn. I think it is economics. I agree with this so much. And I think it is a good thing. There seems to be this assumption that staying married is somehow the superior accomplishment. I'm reading what some of you have "worked through" and thinking you are absolutely nuts to still be there. As awful as this sounds, in my main relationships I outgrew my husbands. When we got together we were actually well matched except in the fact that I was committed to self improvement and they weren't. I wouldn't stop and they wouldn't start.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 11, 2014 21:30:51 GMT -5
I think the only certainty IS change. Sometimes one or both parties don't enjoy the new deal.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 11, 2014 21:51:00 GMT -5
My parents were married 66 1/2 years when my mother passed away. They married at age 24 after a 6 week relationship. My dad already had been divorced once so her parents were not happy. They eloped. They went to a justice of the peace, came home and told everybody. Mom said the most difficult year of their married life was the first year they were both retired. They had never spent 24/7 together. They came to visit me that fall and didn't even want to be in the same room in my house. Dad only wanted to watch game shows on tv and mom wanted to watch soap operas. She told me that was the only time she ever seriously considered divorce.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 12, 2014 6:26:57 GMT -5
I think that divorce is more prevalent now because women aren't trapped in marriages. They have their own money, and society will not brand them with a scarlet D and shun them forever. Instead of men cheating on their wives and the wives just accepting it - they split up. I don't think it is porn. I think it is economics. I agree with this so much. And I think it is a good thing. There seems to be this assumption that staying married is somehow the superior accomplishment. I'm reading what some of you have "worked through" and thinking you are absolutely nuts to still be there. As awful as this sounds, in my main relationships I outgrew my husbands. When we got together we were actually well matched except in the fact that I was committed to self improvement and they weren't. I wouldn't stop and they wouldn't start. I agree with this to a point. I don't think anyone should just give up in a marriage when they hit a difficult spot (especially when children are involved), but if you are truly different people who can't make it work there is no point in being miserable just to power-through it. Life is too short to be miserable
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2014 7:02:51 GMT -5
I'm never surprised when marriages between people who have been together since before they were 20 (or even 23 in some cases) split up. I know 10 people will come on here and say they met their husband in preschool and their marriage is way more perfect than mine. But statistically, those marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Sure, it worked for my parents - but that was a long time ago. My sisters both married young, I guess I would be surprised if they divorced. But every one of my friends that got married the minute they graduated college to the person they had been dating 3 years or more have split up. There are a few that started dating right at the end of college and married a few years later - they seem to be handling it better. Some of the people I know who married young get older and start thinking they really missed out on "something." What that is, they don't seem to know, so they go searching for it, mid-life crisis or whatever you choose to call it. It usually doesn't end well. I can see that. I got married at 19 and became a single parent at 23 or 24. I've felt like I missed out on some stuff. I think it's the freedom of being young, single, and having few responsibilities. I started understanding the saying that "youth is wasted on the young". Now I can do some of the things people my age were doing when they were young, except I'm too old for a lot of it lol. The 20 year marriage that broke up and I know one of the parties well, it had been a bad marriage for years. Her husband would put on a front like he was a loving husband in front of her friends (he didn't have any) and their families. In every day life he wouldn't even give her a hug or talk to her unless he was putting her down for something. She thought she'd been doing the best thing for her kids by staying because somehow she'd ended up being the breadwinner and he was the primary caretaker for the children. She finally realized that he wasn't the great Dad she thought he was. His jackass behavior didn't just make her feel like shit, it had her kids in some bad places emotionally and mentally too. So she plotted and planned and left. None of her family and friends were surprised she left or if they were surprised it was that she'd finally actually done it. They all thought it was long overdue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2014 8:58:28 GMT -5
It leads a lot of guys to think it is.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2014 9:06:11 GMT -5
Do you think that maybe with life being more complex than it was a long time ago, has anything to do with why so many marriages don't make it? I know many will disagree, but I really think that due to our ability to obtain any kind of erotic porn has a lot to do with many deciding to jump the fence to get to that greener grass. I think that divorce is more prevalent now because women aren't trapped in marriages. They have their own money, and society will not brand them with a scarlet D and shun them forever. Instead of men cheating on their wives and the wives just accepting it - they split up. I don't think it is porn. I think it is economics. If it's economics, why then are we seeing, at least in our area, so many financially destitute divorced mothers, who are now on the system? They don't have their own money.
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ginpin
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Post by ginpin on Jul 12, 2014 9:06:17 GMT -5
My divorce was due to a lot of 'all of the above'. I got knocked up at age 18, so we married 15 days before my 19th birthday, and he had just turned 20. We basically grew up together. Add to this the whole keeping up with the Jones' syndrome, and my ideas of what a marriage should be like, and we simply imploded. The last year we were together, my dad had been put into a nursing home due to early-onset Alzheimer's, we went bankrupt, we had a $16,000 tax bill, and I was freaking out, so he decided to cheat on me. It was a bad, bad year.
I have grown substantially from this, and know and accept my part in our breakup. All is much better now.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 12, 2014 14:17:21 GMT -5
Mid life crisis.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 12, 2014 14:19:24 GMT -5
As of right now, he would still catch my eye.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jul 12, 2014 19:27:35 GMT -5
He was a coke head who (with his Hells Angel friends) enjoyed keeping us scared. It was my fault he jumped out of a moving car, it was my fault he couldn't keep a job, it was my fault that his business crashed, it was definitely my fault that I went to work to support the family and turns out I was not as stupid as he said. Who knew??
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2014 10:48:18 GMT -5
Dishonesty & Addiction. Like Ombud, it was ALL my fault.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Jul 14, 2014 6:49:28 GMT -5
I think that divorce is more prevalent now because women aren't trapped in marriages. They have their own money, and society will not brand them with a scarlet D and shun them forever. Instead of men cheating on their wives and the wives just accepting it - they split up. I don't think it is porn. I think it is economics. If it's economics, why then are we seeing, at least in our area, so many financially destitute divorced mothers, who are now on the system? They don't have their own money. Perhaps it should read MANY or MORE women have their own money, who can support themselves and the kids. Then there are the women who could support themselves by themselves, but not necessarily themselves and the children by themselves. There are a lot of guys who do not pay their child support. (There are undoubtedly some women who do not pay as well, but this is a comment about women's situation). It is a complex thing, but leaving is often better than staying, even if one is very poor as a result. At least women now have a hope of getting out, whereas years ago, they were trapped.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 14, 2014 7:09:36 GMT -5
I think that divorce is more prevalent now because women aren't trapped in marriages. They have their own money, and society will not brand them with a scarlet D and shun them forever. Instead of men cheating on their wives and the wives just accepting it - they split up. I don't think it is porn. I think it is economics. If it's economics, why then are we seeing, at least in our area, so many financially destitute divorced mothers, who are now on the system? They don't have their own money. It is true that statistically kids from divorcing families end up with a reduction in their life style after the divorce. If the family was lower middle class prior to the divorce, the kids will probably end up under the poverty line after the divorce. However, what's changed lately is that more and more moms are working moms. Used to be, in my mother's generation, many companies didn't hire married women or women with kids because the perception was a woman could take care of her home or be an employee but couldn't do both. Divorced women were especially unwelcomed in the workplace because divorcees were supposely women without morals who would bang the boss (or anyone else). I can remember (I'm 54) my mom yelling at my older sister because her best friend's mom was a divorcee, which meant they were 'not nice' and not someone my sister should be hanging around with. That seems ridiculous now when working moms are everywhere, but that's how it was. Since the stigma of divorce is gone, and since divorced moms can get a good job and support their families on their own now, I think women are more likely to want a divorce, rather than sticking it out, like they probably would have done in the 40's and 50's.
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