Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:18:00 GMT -5
Along the line of making a marriage work, meeting the perfect person and all the blah blah blah that goes with it.
How about relationships you thought were perfect, they seemed made for each other ... And BOOM! Divorce!!!
My old boss: 24 years married, been together since high school, 3 great kids.
Been having marriage issues, last weekend was arrested for threatening to kill himself if his wife left him and admitted to a hospital.
Now in a hotel and divorce is inevitable. He suspected his wife was cheating on him.
I just scratch my head and think: WTF went wrong?
That is why I smile when this couple we are friends with that are married for less than a year try to give us "marriage advice". Really... How cute!
I have been married for 6 years (together 11) and still not qualified to give marriage advice because I am still winging it!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:25:36 GMT -5
In the marriages I've observed and the relationships that didn't work: Trying to be someone you are not /(maybe even not knowing who you are)... You can't sustain that. In my marriage we are who we are, we don't always love everything, but we acknowledge and work it out.
Having unrealistic expectations. Kind of in line with #1. But no person is perfect. No relationship is perfect. Fairy tales aren't real. There will be good years and bad years, awesome moments and terrible ones... You don't bail just because it isn't 'perfect'.
Not giving your relationship respect/time. Comfortable shouldn't necessarily be complacency. You do need to shake it up a little now and again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:27:22 GMT -5
I believe, regardless of how long you've been married, you will always be winging it. People, for many reasons, at any time, can do an about face on what they want out of a marriage. We once knew an older married couple. He had a minor stroke and wham, decided he wanted to be 20 again and started cheating on his wife with younger women. His personality just changed.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 11, 2014 8:28:47 GMT -5
Substance abuse.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 11, 2014 8:38:40 GMT -5
Along the line of making a marriage work, meeting the perfect person and all the blah blah blah that goes with it. How about relationships you thought were perfect, they seemed made for each other ... And BOOM! Divorce!!! My old boss: 24 years married, been together since high school, 3 great kids. Been having marriage issues, last weekend was arrested for threatening to kill himself if his wife left him and admitted to a hospital. Now in a hotel and divorce is inevitable. He suspected his wife was cheating on him. I just scratch my head and think: WTF went wrong? That is why I smile when this couple we are friends with that are married for less than a year try to give us "marriage advice". Really... How cute!I have been married for 6 years (together 11) and still not qualified to give marriage advice because I am still winging it! Newly wed naievity. Within the next year or two, one or the other of your friends will scream at the other "I hate you."
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 11, 2014 8:43:17 GMT -5
Yes. I was married to a good husband and father until cocaine and alcohol took over.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 11, 2014 8:44:32 GMT -5
I'm never surprised when marriages between people who have been together since before they were 20 (or even 23 in some cases) split up. I know 10 people will come on here and say they met their husband in preschool and their marriage is way more perfect than mine. But statistically, those marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Sure, it worked for my parents - but that was a long time ago. My sisters both married young, I guess I would be surprised if they divorced. But every one of my friends that got married the minute they graduated college to the person they had been dating 3 years or more have split up. There are a few that started dating right at the end of college and married a few years later - they seem to be handling it better.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 11, 2014 8:48:01 GMT -5
I'm never surprised when marriages between people who have been together since before they were 20 (or even 23 in some cases) split up. I know 10 people will come on here and say they met their husband in preschool and their marriage is way more perfect than mine. But statistically, those marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Sure, it worked for my parents - but that was a long time ago. My sisters both married young, I guess I would be surprised if they divorced. But every one of my friends that got married the minute they graduated college to the person they had been dating 3 years or more have split up. There are a few that started dating right at the end of college and married a few years later - they seem to be handling it better. DH is the only member of his family that met his spouse/significant other as an adult. It is a completely different bacground than mine, where everyone met their spouses after college.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jul 11, 2014 8:48:33 GMT -5
Along the lines of Oped's response: Carly Simon has a great song that speaks to "real" marriages: "It's the Stuff that Dreams are Made of".
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 11, 2014 8:54:21 GMT -5
I'm never surprised when marriages between people who have been together since before they were 20 (or even 23 in some cases) split up. I know 10 people will come on here and say they met their husband in preschool and their marriage is way more perfect than mine. But statistically, those marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Sure, it worked for my parents - but that was a long time ago. My sisters both married young, I guess I would be surprised if they divorced. But every one of my friends that got married the minute they graduated college to the person they had been dating 3 years or more have split up. There are a few that started dating right at the end of college and married a few years later - they seem to be handling it better. I agree with this. I met my husband 3 weeks after I turned 17. We are not the same people with the same priorities that we were almost 26 years ago. If I met him today I doubt we would date each other.
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Regis
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Post by Regis on Jul 11, 2014 8:56:50 GMT -5
Appearances can be very deceiving. You have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:58:08 GMT -5
I'm never surprised when marriages between people who have been together since before they were 20 (or even 23 in some cases) split up. I know 10 people will come on here and say they met their husband in preschool and their marriage is way more perfect than mine. But statistically, those marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Sure, it worked for my parents - but that was a long time ago. My sisters both married young, I guess I would be surprised if they divorced. But every one of my friends that got married the minute they graduated college to the person they had been dating 3 years or more have split up. There are a few that started dating right at the end of college and married a few years later - they seem to be handling it better. Do you think that maybe with life being more complex than it was a long time ago, has anything to do with why so many marriages don't make it? I know many will disagree, but I really think that due to our ability to obtain any kind of erotic porn has a lot to do with many deciding to jump the fence to get to that greener grass.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:59:42 GMT -5
Yes. I was married to a good husband and father until cocaine and alcohol took over.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 9:00:51 GMT -5
I'm never surprised when marriages between people who have been together since before they were 20 (or even 23 in some cases) split up. I know 10 people will come on here and say they met their husband in preschool and their marriage is way more perfect than mine. But statistically, those marriages have a higher rate of divorce. Sure, it worked for my parents - but that was a long time ago. My sisters both married young, I guess I would be surprised if they divorced. But every one of my friends that got married the minute they graduated college to the person they had been dating 3 years or more have split up. There are a few that started dating right at the end of college and married a few years later - they seem to be handling it better. I agree with this. I met my husband 3 weeks after I turned 17. We are not the same people with the same priorities that we were almost 26 years ago. If I met him today I doubt we would date each other. I met my wife at 17 and we started when we were 18. We are both 29 now and we will both agree that if we met today we would not start dating. And that is 11 years compared to your 26. Between the time we got married at 23 and now, it is like we both did a 180 degrees personalities wise, expectations, drive, ambitions, etc.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 11, 2014 9:01:19 GMT -5
I know. It does suck, for all of us. But you know I feel the most sorry for? Him. He has lost so much that he can never get back.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jul 11, 2014 9:03:25 GMT -5
I agree with this. I met my husband 3 weeks after I turned 17. We are not the same people with the same priorities that we were almost 26 years ago. If I met him today I doubt we would date each other. I met my wife at 17 and we started when we were 18. We are both 29 now and we will both agree that if we met today we would not start dating. And that is 11 years compared to your 26. Between the time we got married at 23 and now, it is like we both did a 180 degrees personalities wise, expectations, drive, ambitions, etc. Exactly. It isn't that he or I turned into bad people, we are just different than we were as teenagers. What was my "ideal guy" at 17 (which mainly just meant hot!lol) isn't so anymore.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 11, 2014 9:05:19 GMT -5
How about relationships you thought were perfect, they seemed made for each other ... And BOOM! Divorce!!! Some people are just really good at making a good public impression. My family's public persona and private persona were completely different. Unless you live with someone 24/7 you don't really knows what goes on in their house.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 9:06:35 GMT -5
The Kurt Vonnegut book of commencement speeches I just read, in almost all of them he made the statement about the danger of our modern nuclear families... along the lines of A wife can't be everything to her husband. And A husband can't be everything to his wife. And we need extended families, of blood or our own construction. And that this is why so many marriages fail...
It is an interesting idea to consider.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 9:09:34 GMT -5
Despite the 'finding yourself' mantra, I think high school and college are some of the least likely places to be yourself... Its a constructed society and a lot of it is fitting in. Not for everyone, but a lot... So I can see why some relationships started under those conditions fail. It probably depends on level of commitment in sticking it out.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 11, 2014 9:11:41 GMT -5
Appearances can be very deceiving. You have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.
This is so very true. DH and I are still together but we nearly divorced after he had his affair. When I talked to people about it they were jaw on the floor shocked. They had no clue that there was ever even the possibility that DH would cheat on me. It's been years (over 7) since it happened and if I mention it now to people they are still shocked and say "I just can't see him doing that"
What you see in public is not always the reality. It's the facebook syndrome. If you only talk about the positives and put a happy spin on life than people assume that your life is one constant parade of sunshine and fairy dust.
In our case- what went wrong at the time was a gradual drift apart. Happened slowly over the course of a few years. We stopped communicating as much, started internalizing things more. We just starting drifting in different directions and DH felt like I didn't "need" or "appreciate" him anymore and he found someone that claimed she did. Turns out she was bat shit crazy and what she really needed was some anti-psychotic medication.
You go through life chugging right along and at the beginning of your marriage you are all "Oh this funny thing happened today. I can't wait to tell my sweetie all about it" and after a few years those little things lose interest and you stop telling your spouse about the funny thing that happened at work, or the car accident you saw on your lunch hour, or the dog wearing a hat, or whatever. Your conversations become more about mowing the lawn and the broken sprinkler head in the yard and less about the fun stuff in life.
It's not a death sentence to a marriage but it starts that drift and if you aren't careful what is a slight drift today becomes a landslide two years from now.
A marriage is a living breathing thing and if you forget that it's easy for it to slowly wilt over time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 9:11:59 GMT -5
Knowing what I know and knowing how happy we've been, I'm sure I'd marry the same guy again. We've kept our life very simply and I think that is one of the reasons it's worked... so far. Nothing to be taken for granted, though.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 11, 2014 9:12:18 GMT -5
DF and his EX looked perfect on the surface but underneath, they really just didnt like each other. They married each other for the wrong reasons and they simply grew apart. Her being mentally ill and he being a bit self centered didnt help much, either.
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Jul 11, 2014 9:13:22 GMT -5
It will be 15 years for us this year. It is not the same starry eyed romance that it was 15 years ago. I think what makes any relationship go "wrong" is when people start thinking more about themselves than the other person. I mean it is the little things that count just to show you value the other person. Whether it is just a saw this and thought of you type moment or purposefully letting go of your own preference and doing something the other person would like.
Also people have to acknowledge that if you stop pedalling - the bike is going to fall over. You can't coast for very long.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jul 11, 2014 9:17:28 GMT -5
Most of the marriages I have seen fall apart after several years were because the entire life of the couple revolved around their children. When the kids left they had nothing to talk about. I think this is why it is important for couples to make sure they find some time for themselves away from the kids. My parents were thrilled when we left the nest - LOL.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 11, 2014 9:32:48 GMT -5
You never know what is going on behind closed doors. They may have been on the verge of divorce for years but stuck it out for the sake of the kids. Mental illness/addiction could also be possible. Look at the Google exec that just died of a heroin overdose. I was reading an article about it and the people who knew him are totally blown away. I honestly should have ran for the hills before we got married. He was still hanging on his parents' apron strings, didn't have stable good paying employment and was all around a hot mess. If we met for the first time today we wouldn't have dated. His lifestyle wasn't a big deal to me when I was 19, I was young and broke. It would be a big deal for me today at 30, I don't want to wait around for someone to grow up. It was rough for the first couple years of our marriage I'll tell you that, sometimes I wondered WTF was I thinking. He's finally caught up to me maturity/responsibility wise, which is weird when you consider he's the oldest in the relationship. We're way more compatible now than we were when we met in 2004 or got married in 2008. IDK, people were betting we'd be divorced by now but we're going stronger than ever. You never know.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 11, 2014 9:41:21 GMT -5
My niece and her husband seemed perfect for each other. They met young but that wasn't the problem. They were both student soccer players and both grew up poor but had expensive taste and willing to work hard. He was a year younger so as he was graduating high school and turning 18 they left home together and were very poor. They worked minimum wage jobs but moved up a little. He ended up with his passion for cars working in auto repair places first taking them in, then repairing and auto electric, she hotel desk work. They got a condo then sold it and got a cheap little house. Then when he turned 21 she married him in the perfect wedding and just before the wedding quit using birth control. They had the perfect baby boy 8 months after the marriage. They had wanted a couple more months before the first baby but while pregnant her husband got a huge pay raise so they were fine.
His work skills were improving and they were both driven to have nice things. A auto repair shop was for sale so my brother borrowed money on his HELOC to loan them the down payment. They bought a bigger house, auto shop was successful and she quit work to have a in home daycare. They were expecting the baby girl when he was successful enough to tell her to close the daycare he could support them. They got a rental house, he got a second auto repair shop then a third. They got a million dollar home on the waterfront, they got another rental house then a vacation property. They both played adult soccer, worked hard and liked nice things seemed to have it all.
Then he got in trouble with the recession work was slow and he had 8 mortgages and more stuff than he could pay for easily. He lost one shop. He announced he was moving out to live with a woman he met at a trade show. I think he was just so full of his success and his wife and children weren't good enough for him. A few months later he begged to come home but she insisted on counseling first but let him later. Then a year or so later he told her he wanted her and the children to move to a rental house so his girl friend could move into their home.
He has since lost all his leases for not paying the rent, is behind on spousal support yet can take a vacation. Niece sold the rental house she moved into this week and is moving in with her parents with the children, she got some equity out to save for next house. Son is going to college in the fall, DD is 15 but has down syndrome so may live with mom for life.
I think the problems were his swelled head thinking he was better than the family it was his money not their money, DD was expensive and a handful with therapy for everything and needed much more parenting then typical children. Niece was a great mother, housekeeper and still attractive but I don't think he valued that as much as a woman who didn't consider herself his equal, he seemed to need admired and she knew him when he was just a school boy and poor.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 11, 2014 9:48:49 GMT -5
We've been together seven years and married 10 months, so I feel like an expert on the subject. :-P
I tell hubs that if my 32-year-old self met who he was at 28 (we were 25 and 28 when we met), there is no way I would have gotten serious with him. F*ck him, absolutely, but dating would have been a gamble. I'm glad I was a little dumb at 25! We really grew and found ourselves together and I hope we keep on keeping on together.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jul 11, 2014 9:52:03 GMT -5
We've been together seven years and married 10 months, so I feel like an expert on the subject. :-P I tell hubs that if my 32-year-old self met who he was at 28 (we were 25 and 28 when we met), there is no way I would have gotten serious with him. F*ck him, absolutely, but dating would have been a gamble. I'm glad I was a little dumb at 25! We really grew and found ourselves together and I hope we keep on keeping on together. Meghan, I love your bluntness
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 9:52:10 GMT -5
Most of the marriages I have seen fall apart after several years were because the entire life of the couple revolved around their children. When the kids left they had nothing to talk about. I think this is why it is important for couples to make sure they find some time for themselves away from the kids. My parents were thrilled when we left the nest - LOL. It's hard to say what's causal there, though. Did focusing on kids tank the marriage? Or did lack of a personal relationship cause them to focus on the kids? It is a balancing act some times. Honestly, I found it easier when the kids were younger. It's been more challenging for me in the last year or two.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jul 11, 2014 10:04:38 GMT -5
Most of the marriages I have seen fall apart after several years were because the entire life of the couple revolved around their children. When the kids left they had nothing to talk about. I think this is why it is important for couples to make sure they find some time for themselves away from the kids. My parents were thrilled when we left the nest - LOL. It's hard to say what's causal there, though. Did focusing on kids tank the marriage? Or did lack of a personal relationship cause them to focus on the kids? It is a balancing act some times. Honestly, I found it easier when the kids were younger. It's been more challenging for me in the last year or two. Good point. I know some people who had a child because their marriage was shaky and they thought having a kid would make it better . Maybe it did for a while because it gave them something to focus but then the added stress of the child getting older made it fall apart again.
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