NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 25, 2014 9:08:30 GMT -5
DH and I are collectors, but not hoarders. I've already made up my mind on what goes and where it goes if DH passes before me and I downsize. Not an issue, because as much as I love and care for what I have, in the end, it's just stuff.
Hoarders don't see their stuff as just stuff. Everything has a memory, everything has a potential purpose. Their stuff is an intrinsic part of their very being, possibly one of the few ways they can exert control over a life that may have been out of control in other ways. Many hoarders have suffered some kind of deep trauma (abuse, neglect, poverty, loss of close family) and while you and I recognize such losses for what they are and get counseling or whatever we need, hoarders seize control over their lives the only way they can, even if it's just within their own four walls. Seems odd to us, especially for those hoarders who rent. Deep down, they know their hoarding can get them evicted with little warning. Also seems odd that hoarders will do what they do at the expense of health and safety of loved ones living with them. They will hoard even if it means family and friends refuse to come over.
And staying hoarding-free is hard. According to HealthBeat, the relapse rate is almost 100%, unless intervention continues: therapy and counseling are needed long-term for success.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jun 25, 2014 9:38:58 GMT -5
mollyanna58, what's "the line from pack rats to hoarders." Isn't it the same thing? Too much stuff to use?? One item in ~~ one item out
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 25, 2014 10:07:18 GMT -5
Pack rats hold onto stuff because it may be useful someday. Hoarders hold onto stuff because they can't let go.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 25, 2014 11:56:19 GMT -5
I'm sorry, happy. I have to ask, what happened to the cats? Were they in good enough shape to be adopted? Actually, I was amazed at what good shape the cats were in, considering the really nasty conditions they were living in. My sister did love her cats, and she did buy them the best food, and apparently cats are pretty resilient to living in really crappy conditions.
Since our sister lived so far away, none of the family members could get there quickly when her body was discovered to rescue the cats. The police called in the animal services, and they captured all the cats and took them to the pound. One of my sister's friends found out and notified her vet, who has been fabulous - she went to the pound and signed them all out (which is apparently not legal, but she threw her weight around, fortunately). All of my sister's family members are already well stocked with pets (three dogs and 12 cats between us) so we couldn't take her pets home, but the vet is keeping one of them herself (he has some kind of chronic skin issue) and the others are either in foster families waiting for adoption or in a 'kitty retirement home' (no kill center). The vet said they were all very healthy, even the one that is nearly 20 (they are placing him with an elderly woman who just lost her own cat). Two of the cats that were very close are being adopted as a pair. So I am extremely grateful for the vet and the volunteers who are working to make this happen. Once the estate is settled, we will be making a good donation to the rescue center that is helping to get them adopted.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 25, 2014 11:58:27 GMT -5
collector and saver is just a 'nicer' term for hoarder. if someone has a room that you can't walk in, barns full of stuff, china cabinets full of stuff, etc., they're a hoarder.
I worry that my mother has the potential to become a hoarder- as it is I think she's borderline now. They have an 8,000 sf house for the two of them. Walk in closets in all 4 of the guest suites- every closet is full of my mom's stuff. Full set of furniture in every bedroom and all dresser drawers are full too. When we moved grandma into a nursing home my mom took over the task of cleaning out her house. So much of that crap is still at my parents house that it drives my dad batty.
She's at the point now where it looks like it's all organized and clean but she has no clue what she all has and is reluctant to get rid of anything. When they moved into this house we helped them and she nearly disowned me for throwing away expired food so she didn't move it to the new house.
I worry that if my dad dies first than there won't be anyone to reign in her tendencies. He is jealous of the decluttering DH and I have been doing and wishes that he could do the same. I think he is a bit of an enabler in that he doesn't stand up to her now.
I have a similar situation with my dad. But he mostly has problems with stuff that used to belong to his parents/members of his family. He has issues that he hasn't addressed from his grandfather's death, his mother's reaction to his grandfather's death, and then his parent's deaths when they were in their early 70s. Members of his family tended to be long lived, so he was shocked they both died so early. He has so much trouble letting go of anything his parents owned. His mom had sierous trouble letting go of anything from her fmily after her dad's death, so now dad transferred that attachment to all those objects too. It causes a lot of fights between us. I wish I could talk him into getting some kind of help.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2014 11:59:26 GMT -5
Pack rats hold onto stuff because it may be useful someday.
Hoarders do too. The last episode of American Pickers I watched they actually commented on that. This guy had FOUR barns worth of crap but wouldn't part with anything. They said it usually starts out as someone has a dream of someday buying something like a gas station and "restoring" it with all this great stuff they find.
Then the dream never happens.
But they can't let go of all this stuff because they still insist it has purpose and potential.
"pack rat" is just a nice jokey term for a hoarder. If you can't let anything go for any reason then you're either a hoarder or well on your way to becoming one.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 25, 2014 12:35:15 GMT -5
I agree with this. In my sister's case, she also had a very deep resistance to cleaning, and that was something she always had. I can remember visiting her years ago, (back when she allowed visitors) and finding her sink crammed with dirty dishes, the counters and table top full of more dirty dishes, rotting food and cockroaches. Who doesn't at least wash the dishes and throw out the scraps before you have visitors? The bathroom fixtures were the same, covered with layers of filth that would easily wipe away with a little Lysol and a sponge, but apparently the grime and bugs never bothered her.
I can understand the hoarding part - people like to collect things, and at some point that can get out of control, but I DON'T understand the people that can't be bothered to wash their dishes, clean the bathroom, or sweep the cat poops up off the floor. I don't think it was depression because she was always that way. It wasn't related to being infirm because she did this back when she was young, not just when she got older and less mobile. Somehow, living in a filthy, reeking, bug infested house just didn't seem to matter to her.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 25, 2014 12:40:38 GMT -5
Maybe. Things used to be better for my parents. The house was neat and not full of stuff. My mother used her craft supplies; now she just buys more yarn and fabric. My father got rid of the junk mail. Maybe they just no longer have the energy to stay on top of things.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 25, 2014 14:18:01 GMT -5
I'm sorry about your sister I fear my day is coming for that experience, minus the animals. Ok, I know it is.... My mom is a "clean" hoarder. She does her dishes, wipes her counters and all that...... but the stuff, oh God, the stuff. She and Dad were on vacation for 3 weeks, my sister decided she'd had enough of this crap and wanted to get rid of some stuff. Dad has vertigo and neither are getting any younger (upper 60s) and she said someone is going to break their neck in there one day. So......... she got rid of 1200 magazines, cleaned off mom's island that's at least 8 feet long and piled a foot high in who knows what, and cleaned out their main closet. She took 4 SUV loads of clothes and another 3 of assorted whatever to a local charity thrift shop. Got Dad tax receipts. She found at least 2 rats nests and LOTS of droppings. That's why I say "clean". You can't get behind all the stuff to clean and the critters find their way in anyway. Mom has 8 lap desks. They were all in the living room. As my sister pulled magazines out of the living room she found books and books and books. They came up to the level of the bottom of the TV in the entertainment center and were stacked 6 wide and 4 deep by sis as she culled magazines out. Mom doesn't read. She has the attention span of a gnat. There were 15 diet soda 12 packs and 38 of the 2 liters in the kitchen. It took my sister all of her free time on her days off for 3 weeks to make that little bit of progress. The garage is stacked higher than my head, with only a path from the man sized door to the kitchen door. She has 2 storage buildings in the back yard and it's a 3BR house. The other closets are full too. Dad's office closet recently had the rod break it was so full. IDK where the attic access is or if anything is in it. Mom SAYS she wants to clean out, but she really doesn't. She called me today, and she's mad that sis threw out her wide hangers that she'd been collecting. Not USING, just collecting. Dad, however, was cleaning out the closet more.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Jun 25, 2014 14:21:49 GMT -5
Mom SAYS she wants to clean out, but she really doesn't. She called me today, and she's mad that sis threw out her wide hangers that she'd been collecting. Not USING, just collecting. Dad, however, was cleaning out the closet more. I think that is one of the worst things for a hoarder when people throw out their stuff without permission. It only makes them angrier and want to get more stuff to replace it. All your sister's effort was for nothing. It's insanity. Just pure insanity.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 25, 2014 14:24:54 GMT -5
Mom SAYS she wants to clean out, but she really doesn't. She called me today, and she's mad that sis threw out her wide hangers that she'd been collecting. Not USING, just collecting. Dad, however, was cleaning out the closet more. I think that is one of the worst things for a hoarder when people throw out their stuff without permission. It only makes them angrier and want to get more stuff to replace it. All your sister's effort was for nothing. It's insanity. Just pure insanity. We know it was wasted effort, but we're hoping at least that the rat situation will give her some sort of motivation to something. Anything. I suspect that they'll leave me the house. I don't want to spend 2 years cleaning it out and then it still be unlivable. (is that a word?)
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 25, 2014 14:44:51 GMT -5
I'm sorry about your sister I fear my day is coming for that experience, minus the animals. Ok, I know it is.... My mom is a "clean" hoarder. She does her dishes, wipes her counters and all that...... but the stuff, oh God, the stuff. She and Dad were on vacation for 3 weeks, my sister decided she'd had enough of this crap and wanted to get rid of some stuff. Dad has vertigo and neither are getting any younger (upper 60s) and she said someone is going to break their neck in there one day. So......... she got rid of 1200 magazines, cleaned off mom's island that's at least 8 feet long and piled a foot high in who knows what, and cleaned out their main closet. She took 4 SUV loads of clothes and another 3 of assorted whatever to a local charity thrift shop. Got Dad tax receipts. She found at least 2 rats nests and LOTS of droppings. That's why I say "clean". You can't get behind all the stuff to clean and the critters find their way in anyway. Mom has 8 lap desks. They were all in the living room. As my sister pulled magazines out of the living room she found books and books and books. They came up to the level of the bottom of the TV in the entertainment center and were stacked 6 wide and 4 deep by sis as she culled magazines out. Mom doesn't read. She has the attention span of a gnat. There were 15 diet soda 12 packs and 38 of the 2 liters in the kitchen. It took my sister all of her free time on her days off for 3 weeks to make that little bit of progress. The garage is stacked higher than my head, with only a path from the man sized door to the kitchen door. She has 2 storage buildings in the back yard and it's a 3BR house. The other closets are full too. Dad's office closet recently had the rod break it was so full. IDK where the attic access is or if anything is in it. Mom SAYS she wants to clean out, but she really doesn't. She called me today, and she's mad that sis threw out her wide hangers that she'd been collecting. Not USING, just collecting. Dad, however, was cleaning out the closet more. As we say in the South, bless your heart. The best part about my sister's situation was her house is only 800 or so square feet (although it also has a full basement). Even though she had the first floor crammed full, we were able to get all the junk out (just the furniture left) in two 20 yard trailers. Thank goodness they didn't start putting stuff in the attic (it didn't have stairs or pull down stairs, so I guess they didn't want to drag a ladder in). So as bad as it is, her space is pretty limited. Sounds like your mom has a whole lot more room to crap up.
I applaud your sister for trying to make a dent in it, but I'm sure your mom is furious that some of her precious junk was removed. My mom was also a clean hoarder (I guess sis got her hoarding tendencies genetically) and she just couldn't stand to give up any of her stuff. When we were trying to help her downsize when she moved to a retirement home, her children learned that if we promised to take her stuff home with us, she could bear to give it up, but if we just wanted to throw it away, she couldn't stand for us to have it. So we ended up agreeing to take it home THEN throwing it away. (Seriously, I had to take a warped cool whip container home because mom couldn't bear to recycle it)
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 25, 2014 14:52:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry about your sister I fear my day is coming for that experience, minus the animals. Ok, I know it is.... My mom is a "clean" hoarder. She does her dishes, wipes her counters and all that...... but the stuff, oh God, the stuff. She and Dad were on vacation for 3 weeks, my sister decided she'd had enough of this crap and wanted to get rid of some stuff. Dad has vertigo and neither are getting any younger (upper 60s) and she said someone is going to break their neck in there one day. So......... she got rid of 1200 magazines, cleaned off mom's island that's at least 8 feet long and piled a foot high in who knows what, and cleaned out their main closet. She took 4 SUV loads of clothes and another 3 of assorted whatever to a local charity thrift shop. Got Dad tax receipts. She found at least 2 rats nests and LOTS of droppings. That's why I say "clean". You can't get behind all the stuff to clean and the critters find their way in anyway. Mom has 8 lap desks. They were all in the living room. As my sister pulled magazines out of the living room she found books and books and books. They came up to the level of the bottom of the TV in the entertainment center and were stacked 6 wide and 4 deep by sis as she culled magazines out. Mom doesn't read. She has the attention span of a gnat. There were 15 diet soda 12 packs and 38 of the 2 liters in the kitchen. It took my sister all of her free time on her days off for 3 weeks to make that little bit of progress. The garage is stacked higher than my head, with only a path from the man sized door to the kitchen door. She has 2 storage buildings in the back yard and it's a 3BR house. The other closets are full too. Dad's office closet recently had the rod break it was so full. IDK where the attic access is or if anything is in it. Mom SAYS she wants to clean out, but she really doesn't. She called me today, and she's mad that sis threw out her wide hangers that she'd been collecting. Not USING, just collecting. Dad, however, was cleaning out the closet more. As we say in the South, bless your heart. The best part about my sister's situation was her house is only 800 or so square feet (although it also has a full basement). Even though she had the first floor crammed full, we were able to get all the junk out (just the furniture left) in two 20 yard trailers. Thank goodness they didn't start putting stuff in the attic (it didn't have stairs or pull down stairs, so I guess they didn't want to drag a ladder in). So as bad as it is, her space is pretty limited. Sounds like your mom has a whole lot more room to crap up.
I applaud your sister for trying to make a dent in it, but I'm sure your mom is furious that some of her precious junk was removed. My mom was also a clean hoarder (I guess sis got her hoarding tendencies genetically) and she just couldn't stand to give up any of her stuff. When we were trying to help her downsize when she moved to a retirement home, her children learned that if we promised to take her stuff home with us, she could bear to give it up, but if we just wanted to throw it away, she couldn't stand for us to have it. So we ended up agreeing to take it home THEN throwing it away. (Seriously, I had to take a warped cool whip container home because mom couldn't bear to recycle it)
No basement, but I think it's just shy of 2000 square feet one way or the other. We do the same, take something and decide once it's out of her house if it's worth keeping or not. I'm the only one with kids nearby (a 3rd sister lives 4 hours away and has a 1 yo) and she volunteers at thrift shop in town (NOT the one sis donated to). So, anything she thinks we could use, she brings by. I've managed to get her to call before and see if I want it. She also hates to see them throw out anything that still works so I have a VCR or 2 you could have. (Ok, she does, in the garage somewhere....) It's been helpful over the years but it's also too much. I'll get home and find 3 pair of jeans on my bed and DD is wearing a new shirt. Because she doesn't have enough clothes.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 25, 2014 15:07:46 GMT -5
Yay for Dad!
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 25, 2014 15:11:08 GMT -5
I hope he can keep the momentum going!
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 25, 2014 15:21:17 GMT -5
I hope he can keep the momentum going! I've always wondered how people married to hoarders manage to live with it.
I saw a TV show once where the woman had hoarded so much her husband refused to live with her and moved out into an RV in the yard. The house was packed. The yard was getting crapped up. I don't know how that man kept from getting in his RV and driving the hell out of there. Although I guess if you've worked hard to pay for your home over the years you would be reluctant to just walk away from the investment, even if it is stuffed to the gills with useless crap.
I've also seen a few of those hoarder shows where the hoarder was broke because they couldn't stop buying crap. I'm not sure what I would do if DH started using all his paycheck to buy shit and drag it back to the house. I only know it wouldn't take long for me to snap and take action.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 25, 2014 15:32:42 GMT -5
I hope he can keep the momentum going! I've always wondered how people married to hoarders manage to live with it.
I saw a TV show once where the woman had hoarded so much her husband refused to live with her and moved out into an RV in the yard. The house was packed. The yard was getting crapped up. I don't know how that man kept from getting in his RV and driving the hell out of there. Although I guess if you've worked hard to pay for your home over the years you would be reluctant to just walk away from the investment, even if it is stuffed to the gills with useless crap.
I've also seen a few of those hoarder shows where the hoarder was broke because they couldn't stop buying crap. I'm not sure what I would do if DH started using all his paycheck to buy shit and drag it back to the house. I only know it wouldn't take long for me to snap and take action.
I may nominate Dad for sainthood one of these days. There is an RV in the yard, but he hasn't moved out yet.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 25, 2014 15:32:49 GMT -5
I hope he can keep the momentum going! I've always wondered how people married to hoarders manage to live with it.
I saw a TV show once where the woman had hoarded so much her husband refused to live with her and moved out into an RV in the yard. The house was packed. The yard was getting crapped up. I don't know how that man kept from getting in his RV and driving the hell out of there. Although I guess if you've worked hard to pay for your home over the years you would be reluctant to just walk away from the investment, even if it is stuffed to the gills with useless crap.
I've also seen a few of those hoarder shows where the hoarder was broke because they couldn't stop buying crap. I'm not sure what I would do if DH started using all his paycheck to buy shit and drag it back to the house. I only know it wouldn't take long for me to snap and take action.
I think it's a frog in a pot of water situation. And by the time they realize it's boiling (it's getting to ful blown hoarder mode) it's too overwhelming to deal with it and too emotionally taxing to fight your spouse every second of every day about stuff that's just crap you don't care about in the first place ETA: Mom tells me to just throw things out and not tell her or my dad. He probably won't notice (true) and that way she has plausible deniability. Plus it's really only 'important' if he's reminded it's there in the first place right? (and no i don't throw our irreplacible family photos, but no one wants worn out tennis shoes from 1963)
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 25, 2014 15:52:16 GMT -5
Eeek! I thought of this thread today as I was leaving Mom's house. About a block away, were 2 guys in hazmat suits working on a house.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 25, 2014 17:13:22 GMT -5
Old boyfriends dad bought an RV and lives in it in the front yard. His wife actually broke into it and started piling crap in there. I think he is as nuts as she is because I would have left her ass a long time ago.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Jun 25, 2014 17:14:55 GMT -5
My mum wasn't a hoarder but her house was packed to the rafters with things. Sadly, what was precious to her... wasn't precious to her family when we cleared out her house. Her collections were sold...and "things" disposed of. We have all accumulated enough junk of our own without having to find space for someone else's Its sad......but you just have to get on with it. I've kept photos and momentos....and that's about it
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Jun 25, 2014 17:26:26 GMT -5
I work with someone who I am pretty sure is a hoarder based on behaviors seen at work. He does keep things sort of under control at work because the bosses come around periodically and tell him to clean it up. Even so the amount of crap that is tucked here, there and the next place is unreal. It is all saved because it might be needed some day. We have a raised floor in our server room for running wires and it is also flooded with air conditioning and then we move floor tiles with vents to direct the air on whatever equipment we wish. He keeps pulling up those tiles and storing "treasures" underneath the floor. I have found clothing in safe where we store tape backups. He puts things were the bosses don't look. One time I found empty soda bottles tucked into file folders in a cabinet. His desk is a disaster area. Empty sugar/creamer packets, empty cough drop wrappers etc. I know that he lost his house to foreclosure and I am pretty sure it is because he kept buying stuff. He has packages delivered to the office almost every day of stuff he has bought off eBay. The current trend is pocket knives.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 25, 2014 17:28:48 GMT -5
They lose their jobs. They lose their families and friends. They lose their homes. But their junk is worth any and all sacrifices.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 26, 2014 6:55:16 GMT -5
They lose their jobs. They lose their families and friends. They lose their homes. But their junk is worth any and all sacrifices. They're kind of like drug addicts that way.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 26, 2014 6:56:55 GMT -5
I work with someone who I am pretty sure is a hoarder based on behaviors seen at work. He does keep things sort of under control at work because the bosses come around periodically and tell him to clean it up. Even so the amount of crap that is tucked here, there and the next place is unreal. It is all saved because it might be needed some day. We have a raised floor in our server room for running wires and it is also flooded with air conditioning and then we move floor tiles with vents to direct the air on whatever equipment we wish. He keeps pulling up those tiles and storing "treasures" underneath the floor. I have found clothing in safe where we store tape backups. He puts things were the bosses don't look. One time I found empty soda bottles tucked into file folders in a cabinet. His desk is a disaster area. Empty sugar/creamer packets, empty cough drop wrappers etc. I know that he lost his house to foreclosure and I am pretty sure it is because he kept buying stuff. He has packages delivered to the office almost every day of stuff he has bought off eBay. The current trend is pocket knives. Yep he's a hoarder.
Just say to yourself, as you pull the empty soda cans out of the file folders and throw them away, "Thank God I'm not married to this guy."
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 26, 2014 10:39:18 GMT -5
I'm sorry Happyhoix about your sister. I can certainly identify with your concurrent feelings of sadness and anger. My mother wasn't a hoarder per se but she certainly hung onto things longer than she did. I think when she left Dad after 37 years and "gave" him the house it was one of the most extreme forms of purging. You know how it goes; my stuff is valuable but your stuff is junk.
I've posted a lot about her financial situation; estate was upside down by about $400k. Therefore one of the saddest things for me was clearing through the ton of paperwork she had and all the "motivational" seminars paperwork. I kept thinking "If only she had saved the money she spent on these seminars, her life would have been so much easier". Those seminars cost her tens of thousands of dollars and pretty much said the same thing.
I worry about my Dad who really is a hoarder. Thankfully his girlfriend keeps him limited to one garage stall and an extra room. She also admits that she's got a collection problem too. I realize I missed an opportunity the other day when my dad try to pass off some decorative copperware he bought for my mother about 50 years ago. Nothing in that collection is functional. Every single piece is missing a handle, lid, et cetera. I probably should have taken it and dumped it in my recycling bin. I have a hard time plastering a grateful look, thanking him and then turning around and dumping it. I have already told him that when he goes I'm getting a dumpster and clearing out his garage.
NancysSummerSip said:
Hoarders don't see their stuff as just stuff. Everything has a memory, everything has a potential purpose. Their stuff is an intrinsic part of their very being, possibly one of the few ways they can exert control over a life that may have been out of control in other ways. Many hoarders have suffered some kind of deep trauma (abuse, neglect, poverty, loss of close family) and while you and I recognize such losses for what they are and get counseling or whatever we need, hoarders seize control over their lives the only way they can, even if it's just within their own four walls. Seems odd to us, especially for those hoarders who rent. Deep down, they know their hoarding can get them evicted with little warning. Also seems odd that hoarders will do what they do at the expense of health and safety of loved ones living with them. They will hoard even if it means family and friends refuse to come over.
I think this is very true. Dad's family moved a lot because he's father's drinking problem forced them to move. I don't know that they were actually evicted as much as told to move.
And I certainly have some of the same tendencies myself. I do see value and usefulness in a lot of things and hate to waste stuff. Or it might come in handy. :PBut I can often talk myself through letting something go if I think someone else can use it; e.g. donate to Goodwill or some other charity.
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kjto1
Established Member
Joined: Jan 13, 2013 13:47:03 GMT -5
Posts: 485
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Post by kjto1 on Jun 26, 2014 12:36:02 GMT -5
We moved a couple of months ago to another state. We tossed/donated some stuff before the move, but some things came along for the ride. Now as I am (slowly) unpacking, I am "finding a space for items". I also have boxes of stuff to be donated. My old comforter set, I decided to put to use for the new spare bedroom - rather than donating and purchasing new. It's a neutral design (in 80's colors), but it is in really good shape. I am also pushing myself to use things rather than "save them for good or company". Cleaning out my parents' house started the thought process, and with the move into the bigger house - if I can't find a space for something, I really need to analyze the situation.
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dancinmama
Senior Associate
LIVIN' THE DREAM!!
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 20:49:45 GMT -5
Posts: 10,659
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Post by dancinmama on Jun 26, 2014 13:25:18 GMT -5
My mom isn't a hoarder, but she is definitely a pack rat. She doesn't go out and buy "stuff", but she won't throw anything away. There are no fewer than 13 full sized closets in her home and they are all packed to the gills with stuff like books, fabric and patterns (she hasn't sewn anything in decades), any article of clothing she ever purchased, every bank statement, cancelled check, etc. from her life, old board games we played as kids, Christmas decorations that she hasn't used in decades, stacks of crossword puzzles that she cut out of the newspaper that she will do if she happens to break a leg, etc. Several times I have offered to come over and help her clean out the closets but she always declines. I think she's embarrassed about all the useless stuff that she's saved over all these years. She knows that she only might ever use a fraction of it, but doesn't know which fraction it might be so she saves it all. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- As for myself, growing up in that kind of a household, I am not a pack rat. I do not keep "old stuff" thinking that it might come in handy some day. I was, however, a couponer/stockpiler back in the day when you could get toiletries, paper products, household cleaning products, etc. free from the drug chains. Whenever something non-perishable that we used on a regular basis was free, I "bought" it and since I'm not a pack rat, I had a lot of empty cabinets, cupboards, and closets for storage. Although some people might disagree, I am not a hoarder. My goal was to stockpile while non-perishable products were free so that we would not have to pay for them then or for a very long time into the future. About 18 months ago, the yield of free products from couponing declined to the point where I was going to have to start paying out of pocket to continue "playing the game". My stockpile of free products was abundant and the financial motivation to continue was gone, so I cashed out all my drug chain rewards and put down my scissors. In the last 18 months, the only time I looked at a drug chain ad was in the hopes that Walgreens had eggs on sale. Otherwise, they really have nothing that we need.
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happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,576
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 26, 2014 14:10:30 GMT -5
I understand - what did it for me at my sister's house was looking at her kindle - the last book she bought was one about 100 ways to make 'green' cleaning products for your home. So apparently she at least thought about cleaning, and went so far as to buy a book to read about cleaning, but when it came to picking up a broom and dust pan or lifting a dish cloth, she just couldn't do it.
It's sad to know that, even as your loved one is being so obviously overwhelmed by a problem, they were attempting (vainly) to figure out how to fix it.
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Peace77
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 1:42:40 GMT -5
Posts: 3,992
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Post by Peace77 on Jun 26, 2014 14:18:09 GMT -5
I'm sorry Happyhoix about your sister. I can certainly identify with your concurrent feelings of sadness and anger. My mother wasn't a hoarder per se but she certainly hung onto things longer than she did. I think when she left Dad after 37 years and "gave" him the house it was one of the most extreme forms of purging. You know how it goes; my stuff is valuable but your stuff is junk.
I've posted a lot about her financial situation; estate was upside down by about $400k. Therefore one of the saddest things for me was clearing through the ton of paperwork she had and all the "motivational" seminars paperwork. I kept thinking "If only she had saved the money she spent on these seminars, her life would have been so much easier". Those seminars cost her tens of thousands of dollars and pretty much said the same thing.
I worry about my Dad who really is a hoarder. Thankfully his girlfriend keeps him limited to one garage stall and an extra room. She also admits that she's got a collection problem too. I realize I missed an opportunity the other day when my dad try to pass off some decorative copperware he bought for my mother about 50 years ago. Nothing in that collection is functional. Every single piece is missing a handle, lid, et cetera. I probably should have taken it and dumped it in my recycling bin. I have a hard time plastering a grateful look, thanking him and then turning around and dumping it. I have already told him that when he goes I'm getting a dumpster and clearing out his garage.
NancysSummerSip said:
Hoarders don't see their stuff as just stuff. Everything has a memory, everything has a potential purpose. Their stuff is an intrinsic part of their very being, possibly one of the few ways they can exert control over a life that may have been out of control in other ways. Many hoarders have suffered some kind of deep trauma (abuse, neglect, poverty, loss of close family) and while you and I recognize such losses for what they are and get counseling or whatever we need, hoarders seize control over their lives the only way they can, even if it's just within their own four walls. Seems odd to us, especially for those hoarders who rent. Deep down, they know their hoarding can get them evicted with little warning. Also seems odd that hoarders will do what they do at the expense of health and safety of loved ones living with them. They will hoard even if it means family and friends refuse to come over.
I think this is very true. Dad's family moved a lot because he's father's drinking problem forced them to move. I don't know that they were actually evicted as much as told to move.
And I certainly have some of the same tendencies myself. I do see value and usefulness in a lot of things and hate to waste stuff. Or it might come in handy. But I can often talk myself through letting something go if I think someone else can use it; e.g. donate to Goodwill or some other charity.
Bonny, Copper is worth a fortune. Thieves will steal any copper they can get their hands on. Next time you visit Dad, take the old copper and sell it to a metal scrap dealer.
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