Family matter

[bcdfgh]

What kind of relationship would you have with your parents if they didn't like you because of your gender?  e.g. some people prefer boys, other prefer girls and in some cultures boys are favored over girls.  If they abused and neglected you when you were a child, would you care for them when they are old? Would you visit or keep in touch with them?

[Shooby]

The only behavior you control is your own. What they did or didn't do, you can't change or negate. So, you have to look inside yourself to decide what the best thing is to do for you.

[Wisconsin Beth]

There are posters who've maintained contact and posters who've cut them off and posters on various places in the middle. 

Myself, I do not know what I'd do under those circumstances.  What I DO know is that each place/decision requires strength and there is no wrong answer - there's what works best for you. 

[skubikky]

I've never experienced parents who didn't like or love me.   I've also never been abused or neglected.  Based on this I can't answer the question based on that viewpoint.
 
If this is your personal experience only you can answer that as you have to live it.

[zibazinski]

My mom wanted a boy and made it very clear I was unwanted. We had no relationship other than civility because family and appearances dictated it. I moved as far away as I could. I'm sure she was equally glad I did. She was abusive to me as a child and when I got too old for her to continue physical she started emotional and mental. I wish there was a way, other than abortion, for gender selection. I know a lot of people where the second child was the wrong gender and they are very unhappy about it.

[midjd]

Relationship if other gender preferred - I'm not sure. I don't think my mom specifically wanted a boy or a girl - she does favor my brother, but also talks about how much easier my sister and I were. (When I told her I was pregnant with a girl, she seemed relieved - I think remembering my brother's teen years).

DH's aunt has 5 boys and 1 girl. She made very clear that she ONLY wanted girls (and hence kept trying until she got one). The other kids were cast aside as soon as the daughter (who is 16 now) was born. The oldest son is DH's age and they are close - he got out as soon as he turned 18 and never looked back. Probably because he cut ties so early and because the daughter wasn't born until he was 14, he turned out well and now has 3 beautiful kids. The younger 4 sons (18-25) are seriously screwed up. They all still live at home and work for DH's uncle. They don't leave the house except to go to work and buy drugs.

It is a sad thing to watch. IMO one of the sons is a budding sociopath, but the others are all good kids who have now probably been irreparably damaged by their crazy mother.

[sheilaincali]

I have a very strained, carefully monitored relationship with my parents. My dad and I get along fine but he still shows obvious favoritism to my idiot brother. My mom and I have a very cautious relationship.  At any given time I could say the wrong thing and she will stop speaking to me for weeks at a time. As of this week we seem to be doing fine. 

Due to the situation with my idiot brother (who is abusive to my parents and that my parents cater to) I don't typically see them outside of work. I only go to there house maybe 5 or 6 times a year (we live in the same town).

I wasn't abused or neglected in a traditional sense.  My family is not a touchy feely family. My parents have never told me they loved me or hugged me that I know of. I really kind of emotionally checked out of the whole thing.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if they needed someone to take care of them. I have a sister and two brothers. My sister likes to play the martyr card whenever possible so I'm sure she'd make a big show of dropping everything to care for them. My brothers are completely useless and other than causing drama I'm not sure how helpful they would be.

[Shooby]

Yes, I had loving parents. So, I wouldn't presume to tell you when enough is enough. I don't know the answer to that. There are absolutely times one must come themselves off for their own sanity and well being. And, times when maybe you can let them into some portion of your life. That is an individual choice.

[midjd]

Jun 24, 2014 9:30:44 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Jun 24, 2014 9:25:21 GMT -5 midjd said:

Relationship if other gender preferred - I'm not sure. I don't think my mom specifically wanted a boy or a girl - she does favor my brother, but also talks about how much easier my sister and I were. (When I told her I was pregnant with a girl, she seemed relieved - I think remembering my brother's teen years).

DH's aunt has 5 boys and 1 girl. She made very clear that she ONLY wanted girls (and hence kept trying until she got one). The other kids were cast aside as soon as the daughter (who is 16 now) was born. The oldest son is DH's age and they are close - he got out as soon as he turned 18 and never looked back. Probably because he cut ties so early and because the daughter wasn't born until he was 14, he turned out well and now has 3 beautiful kids. The younger 4 sons (18-25) are seriously screwed up. They all still live at home and work for DH's uncle. They don't leave the house except to go to work and buy drugs.

It is a sad thing to watch. IMO one of the sons is a budding sociopath, but the others are all good kids who have now probably been irreparably damaged by their crazy mother.

how did the golden girl turn out?

Surprisingly normal so far. She doesn't have much use for her mother, though. I think once she turns 18 she'll be out of there.

We all expected much, much worse...

[Deleted]

My younger brother was spoiled because we finally had a boy in the family. I was spoiled too though (maybe becasue I was an only child for so long?), so no hard feelings there.

I wasn't abused or neglected, so I can't say how I would relate to my parents after that. Well, I did have an absent dad..... I'm not sure I would've taken care of him if he'd needed it. He never took care of me and I can be spiteful sometimes. I wouldn't even talk to him in the years before he died. I do kind of wish I'd responded to his attempts to make amends before he died though.

I really don't know. I can hold a grudge forever, but I don't know if I could stand by and watch anyone suffer knowing I could do a little something to help. I can probably say that because even though my dad wasn't there, I never went without anything and he definitely didn't abuse me. I don't think there's a wrong answer, in those situations people have to do what they feel is best for them.

[Deleted]

My Mother was not the best.  She was really young when I was born and while she was always a good provider, I was pretty much left to my own devices from a pretty young age.  To this day I don't ever remember her once telling me she loved me.  She never took me anywhere growing up.  She never hugged me or stayed home to take care of me when I was sick.  I was dropped off at my grandparents and my aunt's nearly every weekend until I was 12 or so, then I just stayed home alone on the weekends when she went to stay at her boyfriends...who was a complete ass.  Anyhow, she married her high school sweetheart when I was 17.  By that time I'd dropped out of high school.  I had bad anxiety and would have panic attacks in school and pass out.  There's enough stress on an introverted teenager without having this kind of attention.      Anyhow, long story short, my stepdad was awesome and my Mom settled down, but it was kind of too late for me.  But, it's all good.  I really don't hold grudges.  My one stepbrother still bitches about my Mom all the time and I want to tell him to grow the hell up.  He's 38 years old.  There comes a time when you have to let go of what happened in your childhood and realize that you are responsible for your choices. 

My Mom still annoys the hell out of me, she is very controlling and she never shuts up, but she's still my Mom and dotes over my boys.  I am spending 5 days with her and them in Jellystone starting Saturday.  Kill me.  Please kill me. 

[busymom]

My Dad had a temper, so I learned at a young age not to intentionally "make" him angry. So, I wasn't disappointed to be engaged at a young age, & get to move out. I knew he loved us, but he was raised in a family where people didn't hug or kiss, which I'm sure affected all the kids in the large farm family he came from. And yes, there is a certain amount of dysfunction in the extended family. I keep in touch with those who are kind, but don't have much interaction with the rest.

If you need to keep your distance to keep your sanity, DO IT!  I'm guessing from your brief description that you'll never be "good enough" in their eyes whatever you do, so, this is one of those times when YOU have to come first.

[Deleted]

My family is far from perfect, but it always makes me sad when people say their parents never told them they love them or even hugged them. I can't recall my dad telling me he loved me or hugging me, I can't remember if he did or didn't. But my Mom and I still hug when we see each other and often say "I love you" when we get off the phone and I do the same with my own children. When they were in their teens I was still giving them goodnight hugs. Same thing with my Aunt and her 2 daughters, we all hug and say "I love you". We're a demonstrative family I guess.

I guess some people feel they're showing their love by taking care of their kids or whatever or they're uncomfortable saying it. I guess they have their reasons, but I still think it's sad to not show your kids affection.

[Deleted]

Our general stance is that blood means jack if people are slashing and scarring each other.  Someone who makes a person bleed over and over is not trusted, not someone who meets the family criteria.  Family is the highest level of friends, and anyone can attain it, but not everyone stays in it.

Mom took care of Grandma M in their home until grandma passed away at 100+.  Mom stopped talking with her brothers entirely after that though.  She feels a lot happier and better for it, way more relaxed and peaceful.  They hurt her too much because of Grandma's schizophrenia when she was growing up and them never believing her, calling her a liar.  It got real bad before professionals stepped in.

She did tell us a lot growing up that "sisters are friends for life, treat them the best."  The idea stuck somehow.  So my sisters and I trust each other with everything, from secrets to money to our lives.  It could've gone very differently though, my sisters and I are wildly divergent even in looks.  Mom has been asked if we have different fathers when people saw us together as kids.  We don't, somehow we just got different blends in appearances and personalities.  Redhead, blond and curly brunette, wicked shy to social butterfly, pure academia to physical powerhouse.  I feel lucky to have friends as good as them, who know stuff I don't and vice versa.

I think that what matters most is whether people look out for each other and truly care.  Sometimes the people like that are the people you're born with.  Sometimes its people you choose, spouse and trusted partners/friends.

Nobody needs to put up with toxic head messes over and over just because of "blood" though.  F that.  If someone in their right mind can't treat me cordially, they're not friends so they can't be family.

Just my take, but in the case you outlined I'd leave the parent to it and not visit or keep in touch.  Maybe talk if they initiate, but probably not, since it probably would just hurt like a sonofagun.  Choices have repercussions is all.  Nothing vicious, just... done now.  They had years, they made choices.  

[Nazgul Girl]

I'm sorry for our posters who have gone through parental abuse.   You are all worthwhile and lovable.   

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jun 24, 2014 10:20:02 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

My family is far from perfect, but it always makes me sad when people say their parents never told them they love them or even hugged them. I can't recall my dad telling me he loved me or hugging me, I can't remember if he did or didn't. But my Mom and I still hug when we see each other and often say "I love you" when we get off the phone and I do the same with my own children. When they were in their teens I was still giving them goodnight hugs. Same thing with my Aunt and her 2 daughters, we all hug and say "I love you". We're a demonstrative family I guess.

I guess some people feel they're showing their love by taking care of their kids or whatever or they're uncomfortable saying it. I guess they have their reasons, but I still think it's sad to not show your kids affection.

That would be my Dad.  In his mind, he's shown he loves us by providing us with food, shelter and a decent education.  Also a firm hand when he thought we needed it.  He wanted us to have a better life than he had.  I'm not completely sure he feels we all achieved that but he's not saying otherwise. 

[cronewitch]

I had pretty good parents but mom didn't like me. She loved my oldest brother, he was her baby she wanted. He was born 11 months after the marriage and filled her desire to have a baby, life was perfect. Then 15 months later I was born after months of kicking her, I had colic and cried all the time. She didn't want me, she already had her baby. Then 15 months later my little brother was born, a good baby, no colic but three in diapers, she was tired. She was a decent mother to all of us not abusive but depressed, we weren't good children. Dad loved kids, all kids, he would take us camping and fishing and play with us. Mom kept the house and us clean and fed.

After we were grown relationships changed. Mom bloomed, got a job and her own money, took up traveling, and wearing jewelry and nice clothes. Dad stopped working much, disabled so laid on the couch petting the cat mostly. Dad would have the grandchildren a week at a time and play with them. Mom never liked children even when she loved them so when they wanted to play something like go fish she had to do dishes.

Mom always liked the first born most and felt most like he needed her. They spent a lot of money on him because he wasn't responsible with his. They paid to fly him home and mom bought him things like glasses and clothes because he needed them. Little bro and I took care of our finances so seldom needed help but if we did we got it.

Later in life mom let oldest live with her rent free for 10 years or so then when he moved out sold her house and moved in with little bro. She couldn't help loving her first born but she learned to respect and depend on the last two and after I was grown was an only daughter so special from the boys.

Relationships can change over a lifetime so if I was treated badly I would go away for a decade or so then see if it was better, if not give it another decade or two and try again. If still bad may as well give up.

[greeniis10]

Great advice already given!  OP, it's a matter of your personal tolerance level and what YOU want out of the relationship.  You cannot change other people; only yourself.

I had a very strained relationship with my parents my entire life due to religious differences.  They (and my sister) stopped talking to me completely in my mid-20's.  However, my youngest son always maintained a close relationship with them (I always made sure he had that option) and now 20+ years later they are reaching out to me. 

My mom has written me letters and we talk fairly regularly now.  She says "I love you" NOW but never did when I was growing up.  My dad was always working and I didn't see him much.  He pretty much just did what my mom told him.  As time progressed and he and DS have spent a ton of time together (i.e. the son he never had), things have changed.  For the better.

I would have never expected this nor predicted it.  But, if they are willing (and honest) then I will try as well.  I will always set and protect my personal boundaries and limits, of course. 

[kittypuppymom]

Only girl. Dad had 4 boys mom had 2 boys. You would think I would have been put on a pedestal. Nope. The boys could do no wrong and I did everything wrong.
There was never any love shown. Never went to anything that I participated in. But when it was time to hand out any punishments I was the first one to be whipped.

Had not seen mom in ten years before she died. Dad & brothers did not want me there to see her or come to her funeral. Was not listed in the obit. That was 8 yrs ago and have not seen dad or brothers since.

Bitter, yes. Hurt, yes. Forgiven, yes. Forgotten, no.

[msventoux]

My dad has always been an ass and I hated being around him.  He's rude, condescending, judgmental and completely unpleasant to be around...there was unending crap from him when I was growing up.  Part of it is gender based because in his mind girls are basically meant to be doormats and do whatever a man tells them to do.  A few months ago I couldn't take his behavior anymore and cut off contact completely.  Life has been much simpler and enjoyable without having to deal with him.

I'm not sure how I'll handle what happens if he gets seriously ill since we live in the same town and my sibling's work situation makes it so they're not in the same town all that often.  My guilt and sense of decency says to be a good child and be supportive and do what I can.  My realistic side says that no one is really important to him other than him and he's spent his life using and emotionally beating down people and can deal with the consequences of his behavior.  I suspect my realistic side will win out. 

[whoisjohngalt]

I really should just get down on my hands and knees and thank G-d that I never knew of such dysfunction.

My mom wanted a girl and got one, but  she also wanted granddaughters and got 3 grandsons.  She loves them more than I or she could ever imagine. 

I truly believe that if a parent doesn't love his/her child (unless there are some major circumstances) there is something mentally and fundamentally wrong with them.  You can blame it on the wrong gender or wrong height or anything else.  Doesn't matter.  There is just something wrong with that

[Peace Of Mind]

Funny thing.  My mom wanted a baby girl.  She wanted a baby girl so bad that the nurses asked her "What if you have a boy?  I know you'll love him just as much."  Mom said "I told the nurse Oh no I won't!  If I don't have a baby girl then I don't want it".  She was only 18 - married at 17.  She was right.  After she had my 2 brothers  I'm pretty sure she loved them more.  LOL!  She expected/wanted a blond blue eyed baby girl  like her with curly hair.  I don't know why.  She procreated with a man with black hair and green eyes.  Guess who was born with long dark hair (poker straight I might add) and green eyes.   They told her she had Elvis Presley's baby.  Thank God mom loved Elvis Presley or she may have thrown me back.  But then it all fell out and I became blond.  At least for a few years.  But she always treated males better than females.  She expected a lot from me and counted on me for everything.  They got away with murder.   They also have 7 marriages between the 2 of them and numerous failed engagements.  They are not somebody I'd want to be so I think I got the better deal.   She ended up raising 4 boys (2 step) and me.  2 older step sisters were only there for a couple of years before they moved out or got thrown out by step dad.

And no matter how crappy my parents were I hear such horrible stories that I realize I was still pretty darned lucky.  I too am so sorry for those that never felt loved by their parents.  

[truthbound]

It doesn't matter it's not wanting a boy or hating blond hair. I don't put up with bad behavior from anyone. Being family doesn't give you a pass. I would tell my mom to piss off as easily as a stranger.

[Blonde Granny]

My DH is the youngest of 3 boys. His Mom finally had her beloved daughter when child # 4 was born....but she died a couple of days after birth. Unfortunately, DH was the one that was turned on by his Mom after that. She tried hard to turn him into her girl, i.e long blonde curls etc. Finally his Dad stepped in when he was going to kindergarten and over ruled her and took him for a haircut.

The stories DH can tell are unbelievable. After we were married in 1964, it didn't take long until we both said enough is enough. Both his parents were kicked to the curb and for over 30 years we had no contact with them. It was after his Mom died in 1999 that he was able to establish a relationship with his Dad. His Dad was one of these weak-willed people who let his wife trample him on a regular basis.

His Moms only love was the oldest son, he was perfect in every way. DH and his middle brother....not so much. Oh lord was that woman evil.

[bcdfgh]

Thanks everyone for the inputs.
I asked them why they beated me so much, why they neglected me, and why they disliked me because of my gender. Their responses were it was spanking, we were in poverty, and it was our culture. I was afraid to be near my father and even now still feel uncomfortable to be around him. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born, other times I wish I don't have a father. Decades later I still have lots of nightmare. Although I live far away from them, they still find some ways to bother me. There was a time I didn't answer the phone for a couple weeks. They sent relatives a couple hours away who showed up unannounced. They told me if I didn't open the door they would call the police. I visited them during our family reunion and when I stopped by his room to say goodbye, he looked away and didn't say anything. Hours later he told everyone else that I'm a bad, disrespectful, ... to the point that I didn't say goodbye to him before heading to the airport. They told me it's my responsibility to take care of them then they're no longer able to.

[sheilaincali]

I have to second the therapist suggestion. I saw one for a couple of years (lots of issues- I really should go back to seeing one) and she helped me understand and deal with my family better. DH's flat out told him to limit his contact with his mother. That freed up a lot of the guilt he was carrying around over not wanting to see her.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that as a child and now as an adult. PS your relatives were trespassing on your property. What did they expect the police to do? Force you to let uninvited visitors into your home? I'm sorry they all ganged up on you like that.

[thyme4change]

I have a friend whose husband was Indian.  His parents treat the boy like a king, and ignore the girls all together.  He will get Christmas gifts worth $1000 or more, and the girls will get nothing.  It is so obnoxious that my friend is working to sever contact with the Grandparents.  They have ended up in court multiple times.