Dating... Someone with kids.

[Deleted]

I am 29 and happily married but some of my friends and and I were talking. My stance is if I am not ready to be a "dad" I wouldn't be dating someone with kids because if the relationships evolves eventually the kids become your step kids.

The reason the subject came up? A friend of mine that is 26 is dating an older woman that he used to work with. She is in her mid 30's with a 9 and 7 year old.

Anyway the subject of fatherhood came up and he said he is not ready for kids till he is about 30. So the guys looked at him and said: dude you know your girlfriend have 2 kids right?

Yes but they are not "his" kids and they are not really serious... Just having fun.

Maybe it is my "old" school mentality showing it's colors or something but in my mind I can see:
- dating someone with no kids just for fun / fooling around
- date someone with kids if and only if you intend to get get serious down the road.

I could never date someone with kids as "casually" as if I were dating someone like me that had no kids? Make sense? Bias?

And I know kids or no kids they are just like every other woman and might not be looking for something serious, just want to have fun and get their freak on etc. But I have the mental block:
- one night stand, fling, casual dating: go for the girls with no kids
- girl with kids: only pursue if you think it might go someone / get serious.

And I am not the only one that shared that view. One of our friends that was there, 36 single dad agreed. If he is only looking for a fling or rebound he tends to date woman that are not moms , can come on over, spend a couple of hours and leave. Now that he is tired of the single life and looking to settle dad he has opened up to dating woman with kids because he is thinking "long term".

Why the mental block?

[justme]

I hope she knows it's just for fun and he's not looking at settling down for 4+ years. 

But I agree. The idea of dating a guy with a kid completely freaked me out until I got to the point where I still probably wasn't ready to have kids but would be ok stepping up to do that. At that point it changed to just mildly freaking out. 



As for the one night stands....I'm willing to bet most of those that are looking for that won't even mention that they have kids so you wouldn't know. 

I've also seen plenty of guys that aren't ready to be dads dating a girl with kids. Date her for several months, hang out with their kids, and then break up and not see the kid again. They don't see it as a problem. 

[Deleted]

Personally, and I guess you are never sure until you are 'there', but I could see, if I was divorced with kids, not wanting to be 'involved' with yet another co/parent, complicatd 'relationship'.... But not want to give up sex, fun.. Till kids are grown. 

[Deleted]

Jun 23, 2014 17:25:28 GMT -5 justme said:

I've also seen plenty of guys that aren't ready to be dads dating a girl with kids. Date her for several months, hang out with their kids, and then break up and not see the kid again. They don't see it as a problem. 

And to me I cannot or could never cross that line; kinda like a code of conduct. You have kids, you are off my list when it comes to just casually dating... I will get back to you when I want a long term relationship.

Is that weird?

And I know my mom got her freak on in between my dad and step dad (15 years gap) but I have never met the boyfriends or Daters. Or if I have they were never introduced to me as such or allowed to hang out around our apartment or house with us.

If I didn't know any better I would have assumed she waited 15 years since my dad to meet someone, but I know better lol.

[Deleted]

Does he hang out with the kids?

[kittensaver]

Using someone - with or without kids - is still using them. Just sayin' . . .

And no, if both parties openly agree that it's "just a little fun for a little while" then it's not usury . . . with or without kids. I don't think "kids" change (or should change) anything in a open, honest relationship. If you're in it for "fun," don't drag the kids into it, because they won't understand. If you're in it for a stable, loving relationship, how could the kids NOT benefit?

JMHO

[JustLurkin]

My son is almost 18...I have no interest in having more kids or dating someone with minor children. When I was younger, I did, but the drama was something I wouldn't even consider going back to.

I've never been serious enough to have someone meet my kid...I met a bunch of bio-dads flings and hated it...sheesh control yourself 2 weekends a month. And you could tell they always thought meeting me was something special...uh, yea, it'll be someone else 2 weeks from now.

[zibazinski]

For some men, yes. Just like for some women.

[thyme4change]

I'm guessing this relationship is more about sex than about dating - at least for him.

[hoops902]

There's a pretty substantial difference IMO between being ready to be a dad (by having your own kids), and being ready to be in a serious relationship with someone with kids. 

I might not be ready to be a dad because I don't feel that I'm ready financially, that doesn't stop me from dating someone with kids.

I might not be ready because I don't feel prepared to deal with babies, if the kids are 7 & 9 that's not an issue.

[billisonboard]

Jun 23, 2014 17:44:27 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Using someone - with or without kids - is still using them. Just sayin' . . .

And no, if both parties openly agree that it's "just a little fun for a little while" then it's not usury . . . with or without kids. I don't think "kids" change (or should change) anything in a open, honest relationship. If you're in it for "fun," don't drag the kids into it, because they won't understand. If you're in it for a stable, loving relationship, how could the kids NOT benefit?

JMHO

I think that modeling to kids that it is possible to have a friendly non-serious relationship is a good thing.

[Deleted]

I find it funny the single dad would avoid single moms at any point. He's lucky the girls he has the flings with don't have his views. And there is something weird about deciding you are ready to be in a relationship vs meeting someone you want to be in a relationship with. I am sort of a single mother and I don't see a problem dating nice men that I have no intention of marrying. As a role model to two young women I actually think it is a good thing. You don't have to decide to marry a guy before the first date. The quality of the person you are seeing is more important than the label on the relationship. I think the problem a lot of people complain about is trying to pretend that every person you date is going to be a serious relationship.

[zibazinski]

I dated a fair amount but only one guy ever met my kids and we had dated a year before he did. He felt the same way about his kids. Neither of us wanted to expose kids to a lot of different people when they were young. Older kids I would think would be a non issue but younger ones tend to think the next mommy or daddy. Even now I still miss the guy I dated for along time, his kids. Not him but his kids. I helped raise them and I miss them still.

[Deleted]

I was 22 when I started dating dh. I was not ready to be a mom at all and when he told me he had kids I remember thinking "it is only going to last 3 months, so it doesn't matter. " That was 15 years ago. If I was in a more serious place we probably wouldn't have dated.

[michelyn8]

Jun 23, 2014 17:38:22 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Jun 23, 2014 17:25:28 GMT -5 justme said:

I've also seen plenty of guys that aren't ready to be dads dating a girl with kids. Date her for several months, hang out with their kids, and then break up and not see the kid again. They don't see it as a problem. 

And to me I cannot or could never cross that line; kinda like a code of conduct. You have kids, you are off my list when it comes to just casually dating... I will get back to you when I want a long term relationship.

Is that weird?

And I know my mom got her freak on in between my dad and step dad (15 years gap) but I have never met the boyfriends or Daters. Or if I have they were never introduced to me as such or allowed to hang out around our apartment or house with us.

If I didn't know any better I would have assumed she waited 15 years since my dad to meet someone, but I know better lol.

When my kids were young I pretty much handled dating the way your mom did - I didn't bring them around my kids unless the "fun" was turning into a relationship or we were good friends.  I never let anyone spend the night at my house when my kids were home either.  I just didn't want them to have to deal with a revolving door because I knew going into most of those situations that it wasn't going to be anything long term.

I see nothing wrong with dating someone with kids as long as both adults understand what the other is looking for from the relationship (which is really how all dating situations should be handled) and can consider how their choices will affect the children involved.  If both agree its just getting together for fun, the parent shouldn't be bringing their fun buddy around their children on a regular basis, if at all.  If both are looking for a relationship, they should be sure its going well before involving the children in their activities. 

[Deleted]

I was single with two kids and all my dating was just for fun. Every single woman with children isn't looking for a husband or life partner.

Any man that didn't want to get involved with me on any level because I had children, I was happy that he was honest and knew what he wanted.

Now the tables have turned and I'm the one that's unwilling to get myself into a situation that involves minor children.

[Deleted]

Everytime I see an old friend post about dating someone with children, I ask them how much problem is there with the X in the situation.  Drama between split parents is a huge turn off to a new relationship.

[cronewitch]

I dated a man with children once for a few months. His kids were 12-14 and he never let them met women he dated. He didn't have custody and didn't have drama with his ex that I heard of. Then his ex decided to move to another state and he started trying to get custody so didn't have time for me. I think it would be easier in some ways to step parent older kids with two good parents already, it would just be a matter of mutual respect not trying to step into a parent role.

I don't think kids should meet dates until it is nearly time to be engaged, too hard for the kids to lose potential step parents they grow attached to.

[greeniis10]

Jun 24, 2014 7:46:36 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Jun 23, 2014 17:44:27 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Using someone - with or without kids - is still using them. Just sayin' . . .

And no, if both parties openly agree that it's "just a little fun for a little while" then it's not usury . . . with or without kids. I don't think "kids" change (or should change) anything in a open, honest relationship. If you're in it for "fun," don't drag the kids into it, because they won't understand. If you're in it for a stable, loving relationship, how could the kids NOT benefit?

JMHO

I think that modeling to kids that it is possible to have a friendly non-serious relationship is a good thing.

Agreed.  But it is directly dependent on the level of maturity of BOTH parties.  This whole situation is about open, effective communication.  If the guy in Carl's OP says it's no big deal because they're "just having fun" then that's all fine and good as long as she is on the same page.  If she's secretly hoping he'll change then she's just as wrong as he would be if he were leading her on thinking he wants to be a dad.

[sesfw]

I don't think kids should meet dates until it is nearly time to be engaged, too hard for the kids to lose potential step parents they grow attached to.

This is something Dr Laura (remember her?) preached.  The FIRST priority of separated parents is their children.  It isn't fair to the kids to meet and have someone in their lives for about 6 months then never see them again.  Revolving door 'uncle/aunts' are not good for the kids.

[Deleted]

"Maybe it is my "old" school mentality showing it's colors or something but in my mind I can see:
- dating someone with no kids just for fun / fooling around
- date someone with kids if and only if you intend to get get serious down the road."

You should leave the decision to the woman. I mean if she just wants to have fun, why stop her?

[Phoenix84]

I am personally not a fan of dating women with kids.  I guess I might warm up to it eventually, but it would just be weird to go from zero to dad without 9 months and a newborn.  It's not that I don't like kids, I just always envisioned having MY kids, not stepping in to take over parenting for someone else's kids.  Plus I'm totally unfamiliar with step famlies and their dynamics.  I grew up in the traditional nuclear family scenerio, so I don't even have a clue as to how a step dad is supposed to act compared to a real dad.  Do the step kids treat you like their real dad?  Or do you have a far more casual relationship and let the mom be the "parent?"  Does having a step family cause problems or drama?  I really have no idea what to expect.  Obviously a lot of famlies out there make it work, but again, it's not what I envisioned for my life and I lack a solid reference on the do's and don'ts of step famlies.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 24, 2014 7:30:49 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

There's a pretty substantial difference IMO between being ready to be a dad (by having your own kids), and being ready to be in a serious relationship with someone with kids. 

I might not be ready to be a dad because I don't feel that I'm ready financially, that doesn't stop me from dating someone with kids.

I might not be ready because I don't feel prepared to deal with babies, if the kids are 7 & 9 that's not an issue.

I'm the opposite.  I'd be more worried about starting a relationship with older kids vs. younger kids/babies.  A baby isn't going to know the difference between you and their real dad, a 9 year old will, and that would create some pretty awkward moments trying to meet and stepping up to be a dad to a 9 year old.

[cronewitch]

Phoenix there are all kinds of step parent set ups. The kids can be spending massive amounts of time with the real dad or not know who he was. IHMO the relationship can be anywhere from deep love for each other to hate but should be handled with respect for each other. My brother was a step dad to two toddlers but adopted them, they are old now and the parents divorced, mom died, he is still their dad. Now he got a 14 year old step son, the boy never knew a father before and wanted one. They seem to get along great but I know the boy is a mama's boy so expect mama will make most parenting decisions. I have seen a step father get mid aged kids and the kids adored him, he adopted them so maybe no bio dad around. I think the bio parents can be supportive or not of the relationship between step parents and step children. My deal breaker would be the bio parents allowing the children to be rude and disrespectful to any adult.

[kittensaver]

Jun 24, 2014 16:40:07 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

Phoenix there are all kinds of step parent set ups. The kids can be spending massive amounts of time with the real dad or not know who he was. IHMO the relationship can be anywhere from deep love for each other to hate but should be handled with respect for each other. My brother was a step dad to two toddlers but adopted them, they are old now and the parents divorced, mom died, he is still their dad. Now he got a 14 year old step son, the boy never knew a father before and wanted one. They seem to get along great but I know the boy is a mama's boy so expect mama will make most parenting decisions. I have seen a step father get mid aged kids and the kids adored him, he adopted them so maybe no bio dad around. I think the bio parents can be supportive or not of the relationship between step parents and step children. My deal breaker would be the bio parents allowing the children to be rude and disrespectful to any adult.

I agree with cronewitch. If you have the heart for it Phoenix84, you can actually earn your spiritual-metaphysical "keep" on this planet by helping to save a child who is not "your own." My DH and I had a deal when we married - no children. Ha! The Universe had other plans . When my brother's family fell apart in a pretty dramatic way (major mental health issues, suicide attempts, drug addiction, homelessness etc.), we took in his two young teenage daughters so they didn't fall into the child welfare/foster system. My DH (who never wanted children!) stepped up and took those two "under his wing" like they were his own. He tutored them and supervised their homework because they came to us "behind" in school; taught them to drive and bought them their first cars; bought them their prom dresses; wiped away their tears when things went wrong with boys; taught them to drink responsibly (!); paid for their college educations; paid for their weddings and walked them down the aisle; celebrated with them when their children were born. They consider him their "real" dad. They honor him every birthday and every Father's Day. The bond there is deep and wide and lasting, and it makes my heart so happy to see it . I know this sounds cliché, but I think in some ways he got more out of that deal than they did. It taught him "what he's made of" - - and he's made of some pretty awesome stuff.

[sesfw]

(((((((( kittensaver ))))))))) give both of you mega hugs from me.

You two made a wonderful family.

[Deleted]

Jun 24, 2014 18:09:16 GMT -5 sesfw said:

(((((((( kittensaver ))))))))) give both of you mega hugs from me.

You two made a wonderful family.

X 1000

[kittensaver]

Awww thanks guys, but I'm pretty sure a LOT of folks on this board would have done the same thing.

I give DH a TON of credit for stepping up when he didn't have to. And his life is better for it. Just a small object lesson for Phoenix84. Not every broken family/step family relationship has to be a nightmare.

[marvholly]

At my age (68) anyone I would date (and I am a widow) would have grown kids - mine are 35 &39. My concern would be that they were totally self sufficient and not running home to my SO for bailouts and mine are.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 24, 2014 19:11:45 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Awww thanks guys, but I'm pretty sure a LOT of folks on this board would have done the same thing.

I give DH a TON of credit for stepping up when he didn't have to. And his life is better for it. Just a small object lesson for Phoenix84. Not every broken family/step family relationship has to be a nightmare.

Nah, I know that there are many close step famlies out there.  I never thought being a step family automatically made a family disfunctional.  As I said earlier, a lot of famlies out there make it work.