Family-Can't live with them...

[flamingo]

...can't shoot them. I just want to scream. My DH and I are living apart due to me getting a new job and him needing to help his elderly father for a couple months. FIL has advanced dementia. Can't remember anything short term, knows us, and neighbors, but that's about it. BIL told us last week he's going to move FIL to his state (in New England) and put him in a home there. Theoretically this solves a majority of our problems.

New problems are created though. DH feels guilty because he won't see FIL as often. DH feels guilty because he doesn't want to see FIL as often. DH is pissed b/c BIL won't help with the sale of the FILs house/cleaning it/etc. DH is spending this weekend with FIL for father's day. FIL is being ornery as usual. No argument in the world will convince DH that he doesn't need to stay all weekend with FIL because FIL won't remember 5 minutes after he leaves that he was there. But it matters to DH to be there, I get that.

Add in to the mix we have decided to rehome our 1 year puppy. We love her, but it's unrealistic to have her in our new big mid-west city. So we found a great solution-rehome her with my DH's business partner in neighboring mid-west state. We can see her regularly, she's in a good home, etc. However, DH is now all guilt ridden about this.

So on the phone tonight DH is crying about all these problems. For like the 10th night in a row. And I just want to scream. I'm trying to start a new job, get acclimated to a new city, and I can't fix this for him. I sympathize with him in every way I can and I understand that this is terribly hard to deal with. If I could put FIL on a plane to BIL, if I could take the dog to rehome her, I would do it all. Then as I'm about to cry b/c DH is being a douchecanoe, he yells at me and says don't you start crying, I can't take feeling guilty about you too (which he doesn't need to, I just cry when I'm stressed). So I very nicely said I love you but I can't talk to you right now and hung up. Now I want to scream. Because none of this should cause this much stress for anyone. He's incapable of being happy about the small victories and gets mired down in details which just depresses him more. So-AARGHHHH!!!!!!! (ok, rant/vent over)

[Deleted]

I'm not going to be much help. Sorry. 

I know it must be very frustrating for you right now, trying to do new things and start a new job, and deal with these things from afar.

However, my sympathies are going to have to go primarily with husband at this point. The stress of losing a parent in this way, projecting the guilt onto the dog, it's all pretty typical and he needs to process through his grief and it will take time. 

Is there anything that needs done, cleaning out the house for instance, that you can hire out to minimize stress? Is there an ETA on the move? I'd focus on minimizing the impact of logistics as much as possible, and just be as supportive as you can.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  Your husband might need to get some help. It sounds like he is generally depressed.

[flamingo]

Oh don't get my wrong, my sympathies are with my DH. I'd be less annoyed if he didn't project his anger onto me. 

I suggested hiring out-but apparently that's not acceptable. I have a feeling once we are past the hurdle of FIL actually leaving for New England, he'll be more on board.

My heart breaks for my DH and what he's dealing with, with FIL. I just wish he'd do something to make himself happy and give himself a break from this. The guilt will eat him alive otherwise.

[mollyanna58]

Jun 14, 2014 20:49:16 GMT -5 flamingo said:

...can't shoot them. I just want to scream. My DH and I are living apart due to me getting a new job and him needing to help his elderly father for a couple months. FIL has advanced dementia. Can't remember anything short term, knows us, and neighbors, but that's about it. BIL told us last week he's going to move FIL to his state (in New England) and put him in a home there. Theoretically this solves a majority of our problems.

New problems are created though. DH feels guilty because he won't see FIL as often. DH feels guilty because he doesn't want to see FIL as often. DH is pissed b/c BIL won't help with the sale of the FILs house/cleaning it/etc.
Add in to the mix we have decided to rehome our 1 year puppy. We love her, but it's unrealistic to have her in our new big mid-west city. So we found a great solution-rehome her with my DH's business partner in neighboring mid-west state. We can see her regularly, she's in a good home, etc. However, DH is now all guilt ridden about this.

He's incapable of being happy about the small victories and gets mired down in details which just depresses him more. So-AARGHHHH!!!!!!! (ok, rant/vent over)

It sounds like BIL is going to take on the majority of their father's future care, so I can see where he doesn't think he should also have to help with getting the house ready for sale.  Yes, FIL is going into a nursing home, but BIL will be the local contact, making day to day decisions, visiting, dealing with medical issues, etc. 

Sorry to hear about the puppy, but it sounds like you found a good home for her.

That sounds like my BIL, who has the gloomiest outlook on everything.

I hope everything goes smoothly and quickly. 

[Deleted]

Breathe. In. And. Out. Repeat.

Take what you feel and multiply it since this is your DH's father. Be a good listener and simply reflect what he says to you. "I know you are upset about your father." "I know it is difficult to give away the dog."

It isn't necessarily "fair" to you, but you can do it. You aren't there for the majority of it so you can let your DH do the venting. Then you can come on here and vent to us.

We are totally cool with that. I know it is tough to be away from your husband. I know you love the dog, too.

[Deleted]

I know but he might not be able to at this point. 

For all intents and purposes, husband is dealing with his father's death. It often happens early in cases like this. It's all the more complicated because his dad is still here, and husband is powerless to do anything... So he will do the things he feels he can do. Not to mention the guilt about feeling relieved that he might soon be out from under certain responsibilities. It's hard stuff. 

Again though, understanding it doesn't make it easier unfortunately. Again, no help  

You can vent here any time! If that is any help...

[flamingo]

Venting...it's either here or to my BFF. Who, while totally understanding, is probably tired of my venting

Of course, now I feel bad that I hung up, so I texted my DH to apologize and say I love you. Hopefully it makes him feel better. I'm not totally heartless 

[Deleted]

Oh I know you aren't! It's hard all around. 

The being geographically seperated can't help either...

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I had the same thought about if BIL is going to take  care of the  nursing home then DH gets to take care of the house. 


Does your DH normally react this way when he become overwhelmingly stressed?

[TheOtherMe]

My mother passed away on May 19.  Her final illness started in late November and there were ups and downs along the way.  If you asked DS, I did nothing right and she did everything right.  I finally had to learn to not take her calls if I hadn't done what her needs were.  My needs and her needs leading up to mom's passing were not the same.  It was hard and it's still hard.  Now we are dealing with a very lonely 90 year old father.  

I do not know what it is like to have a parent with dementia, but I do know what it is like to lose a parent and to anticipate the loss.  It totally sucks.  Nothing easy about it.  I had friends to talk to because I'm not married but she had her husband.  My friends didn't hear all of my frustrations, but my cat sure did.  

DS thinks I didn't cry.  She's wrong.  Many tears have been shed, but she has not seen them and probably will not.

I can understand where your DH is feeling like he needs to clean out the house.  It is his last gift to his father.

[flamingo]

Jun 15, 2014 9:41:42 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Jun 14, 2014 21:02:45 GMT -5 oped said:

I'm not going to be much help. Sorry. 

I know it must be very frustrating for you right now, trying to do new things and start a new job, and deal with these things from afar.

However, my sympathies are going to have to go primarily with husband at this point. The stress of losing a parent in this way, projecting the guilt onto the dog, it's all pretty typical and he needs to process through his grief and it will take time. 

I agree mostly - but he didn't need to yell at her not to cry. 

While I do think he needs the most support - he called her up and dumped everything onto her - but she wasn't aloud to have her own emotional reaction?

I think she did the right thing in getting off the phone. It's important to know when you've reached your limit. And it is also important for others to understand that there are limits.

Thank you for "getting it". It's hard dealing with all this. It's especially hard being the sounding board all the time and not being allowed to have any reactions/emotions of your own. 

Things seem better today, and my DH did tell me when we talked today that even though I "yelled" at him last night, my message was spot on and he's trying to remember that the ultimate goal is what's best for FIL. He's still sad/depressed but I feel better about everything, including my DH today. I worry about him; I don't like to see him depressed. 

[TheOtherMe]

I have just learned what it is to go through losing a parent--from watching the onset of what we were told would be the final illness through mom's passing.  It was tough.  There are days when I am really down and day when I can put on the happy face.  Some days, I can't manage the happy face and it's okay.

Yes, the ultimate goal is what is best for your DH's FIL.  At the same time, he knows in his heart that he is losing his father.  

[bookkeeper]

Your DH is grieving for his father and for the life he had.  It just so happens he hasn't passed away yet. It is a very difficult process to watch your parent go down hill and at the same time work to preserve their assets. Cleaning out the house may be good therapy for your DH.  If he can't handle all the work, he needs to hire someone to help him.

I thought I would lose my father last year. He had some experimental treatment that fought back the cancer and he gained another year.  I was a chocolate mess last year thinking about the death of my father and all that would have to be dealt with, including taking in my mother.

I finally came to the realization that he wasn't dead yet!! I should stop acting like he was, and start living. My siblings and I have taken the "one day at a time" approach and try not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. We don't know what may happen, but if we have positive attitudes, we can be happier than if we focus on death, dying and what could have been.