Dividing time with family

[midjd]

First - I have to say that I know DD is incredibly lucky to have so many people in her life who care about her and want to see her. And we are fortunate that just about all of our family members are within an hour's drive and not across the country.

But the traveling (and trying to keep things "fair") is really wearing me down!

My parents (divorced), DH's parents/sisters, my grandfather, DH's grandmother, most of the extended family, and a few of our good friends live in the same town. DH, DD and I live about an hour north. We try to make it down to visit everyone about once a month. DH's parents, my mom/grandpa, and my dad/stepmom come up (separately) about once a month - so we usually have some visitors every weekend we're home.

I feel a lot of pressure - some of it self-imposed - to keep things fair. If DH's mom calls and says "Why don't you bring DD down to visit this weekend?" I will see if my mom is free to visit before/after we stop by ILs', because it seems wrong to drive an hour south and not at least try to see my mom. Usually then someone will say "You should really stop by and see your grandpa/aunt/dad/etc.," so what was originally a 4 hour excursion turns into an all-day thing. We are all pretty cranky by the end of it.

Last weekend DD spent the night at ILs' while DH and I went camping. I meant to text my mom to tell her that she could stop by ILs' to hang out, but forgot. Then my mom ran into MIL at Wal-Mart and texted me "I didn't know DD was in town!"  (One problem is that my mom isn't much of a squeaky wheel. MIL will call DH and tell him straight up, "I haven't seen DD for two weeks, get your ass down here," while my mom will just sit around with her feelings hurt for months. I think my mom also feels that she's lost the "fun grandma" contest since ILs have a pool, ATVs, a camper, etc. and there's not much to do at my mom's house. )

Those of you with large/far-flung families - how do you handle it? Does everyone come to you? Do you alternate weekends between traveling and staying at home? Is trying to keep things fair/equal a losing battle?

[The Captain]

Trying to be fair is a losing battle.  I stopped trying to keep the scales clear long ago.

While I'm big on family, you have your own family unit which deserves some time to itself every month.

Everyone is different, but I would limit the total family obligations to no more then two a month.  Save every other weekend for your own family.

NO is a very liberating word in some respects.

[Deleted]

Yes, they need to come to you, and they need to come on the same weekend so that you can also occasionally have a weekend to yourself. One weekend you go see everyone, one weekend everyone who wants to come see you comes to you. Two just for your immediate family at home (or where you want yo be).

On weekends everyone is together, here or there, you can travel/have date nights. 

I think you offer equal time, but how they take advantage of it is on them. 

Any reason they couldn't pick up GPA, aunt, etc in anticipation of your visit? 

Holidays are killer. I'd invite everyone to your house and have everyone bring something. 

I'd teach grandparents how to skype... Soon.

[Deleted]

My Mom and stepdad live only a half hour away and my Dad and stepmom are over 2 hours away.  Needless to say the kids see my Mom a lot more, she also bought a camper just to take them out and has a cabin for them on her property.  It is what it is and I guess I never thought about keeping it fair.  However, my Mom almost never comes to my house, but my Dad comes down to visit quite often.  I would say it's about equal for trips I make up there and trips he comes down.  He also takes older son for a week every summer and spoils him rotten.  Twins games, Mall of America, Science Museum...

[zibazinski]

Is everyone else incapable of driving?

[NancysSummerSip]

I think you may be equating "fair" with "equal." Neither concept is ever going to work in this case. You don't owe anyone anything. Your time as a family unit (meaning you, DH and DD) trumps everything else. I'd be exhausted (or dead) trying to keep up with the schedule you're doing. You will perpetually lose this battle because no one is going to be perfectly happy, no matter what you do. You have a long way (and possibly more children) to go; you really want to keep up this game for a couple of decades?

YOU should be making decisions about when and where to go, and not a relative who says, "I haven't seen DD for two weeks, get your ass down here." And as for the grandma whose feelings are hurt because she's not the "fun" one anymore, do not make that your guilt issue. That's her thing to deal with, not yours.

Sit down with a calendar, and mark off "no go" weekends. That means that time is sacred and it's yours.

Then let family know when you are available. If they can see you when YOUR schedule works out, fine. If not, oh, well, sorry. Maybe next time.

[Deleted]

I prefer driving to family rather than having them come to visit.  I like to get away, they feed us (usually very well), the kids tear up their house and not mine, and when I've reached my introverted socialization limit, I can say "time to go" and decompress on the drive home. 

[giramomma]

First I'd sit down with your DH and figure out what you want to do with your nuclear family. I'd also start considering any holiday traditions that you might want. Then you figure out how to schedule the rest.

I didn't put extended family needs above my nuclear families' needs. Mostly because I was in a family where extended came first, husband, and child came last.

But the realities are that I too, will become extended family for my children. So, I want to make the most of the time I will have with my kids where I'm first and the only important thing in their lives. I'm not so willing to give that time away willy-nilly.

That also said, as the grandparents age, I'm fine with making sure there's still lots of bonding time.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Lots of good things already in this thread. 
So,  -hug-For you. The first year of being a parent is probably the hardest...then there's teenage years 

[sheilaincali]

Both sets of my grandparents lived in the same small town. My mom's side of the family is more fun and approachable while my dad's family is very stuffy and proper. We'd drive up for the weekend (3 hours from where we lived) about once a month or so. Spend all weekend at my maternal grandparents and then go have lunch with my paternal grandparents before we left town on Sunday.  Holidays were the same way- more time at my mom's side than my dad's. 

It went back to when my mom was pregnant with my brother.  My folks were married and my dad was about to ship off for the war.  My mom called on Mother's Day to tell them she was pregnant and my dad's mom said "How dare you do this to me!  I'm too young to be a grandma!" and my mom never forgave her for that.  When my brother was born my dad was 23 and my two youngest uncles were 4 and 6.  So it's not exactly my dad's fault that there is a 20 year age difference between him and his youngest brother. 

My sister's MIL lives in our city.  When she comes up from Iowa she'll just announce "I'll be in M this weekend, anyone that wants to see me come by my parents house".  Her MIL is close with the whole family so she'll come and have dinner with my folks or meet them all for breakfast after church. 

It gets easier as your DD gets older.  A couple weeks ago my niece and nephew were here for a week after school got out.  My parents took them for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Wednesday night they we to their other grandma's until Saturday and then my sister picked them up.  G (my sister's MIL) has only two sons- my BIL and her other son.  Her other son is single and has no kids.  The boys' dad passed a few years ago.  Her folks have both passed and her siblings are all scattered.  So my family pretty much just adopted her as one of our own.  She's at every family function.  I even invite her to all of DS' birthday parties and things.   

[973beachbum]

Jun 10, 2014 8:18:01 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Is everyone else incapable of driving?

Not just yeah this but Hell yes!

We used to be the crazy people driving everywhere to visit relatives.   Somehow though no one ever drove to visit us though we found out later they had been pretty close.  I finally put my foot down and told everyone we would drive up once or twice a year and it was up to them to visit us where we were going.  It turns out the same people who freaked out if we drove 6 hours to grandpa's house, but didn't specifically drive from there to their house, never found it important enough to drive the 20 minutes to grandpa's house to see us when they knew we were going to be there.  

I would also start telling MIL that you are busy sometimes with your mom.   She seems to be trying to not be a pest and all it is getting her is to the last in line.  that doesn't mean you being a crazy person but I would try and not let one side of the family take all the time/energy for this type of thing leaving very little for the other.

As far as people telling you you should see grandpa/aunt ect tell them they are free come over when you are at fill in the blanks house.  Or if they don't drive tell them that is so nice of you to offer to drive them to Mom's so I can see them!

[sheilaincali]

I'd also start considering any holiday traditions that you might want. Then you figure out how to schedule the rest.

DH was adamant about this point when DS was younger.  It was one of those line in the sand situation.  He said "DS will be opening his presents from Santa and our house Christmas morning so whatever else you want to do is fine but Christmas morning he will wake up in his own bed and open his presents at his house".  The rest of the holidays kind of formed themselves along those guidelines.  Since DS is the oldest grandkid we had to start laying down the law right from the start.

So far in his 16 years he has always woken up in his bed every Christmas morning.

[giramomma]

Jun 10, 2014 8:44:47 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

I'd also start considering any holiday traditions that you might want. Then you figure out how to schedule the rest.

DH was adamant about this point when DS was younger.  It was one of those line in the sand situation.  He said "DS will be opening his presents from Santa and our house Christmas morning so whatever else you want to do is fine but Christmas morning he will wake up in his own bed and open his presents at his house".  The rest of the holidays kind of formed themselves along those guidelines.  Since DS is the oldest grandkid we had to start laying down the law right from the start.

So far in his 16 years he has always woken up in his bed every Christmas morning.

This was my thing, too...

I figured, if I had to wait for our parents/ils to die before we could start our own traditions, I'd have grandkids....

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH was big on trying to make everything "equal" and I mean if I took her over to my parents on Saturday that meant we had to go to his parents too and we had to spend the exact same amount of time over there.

The difference is my parents are right across the street, I can leave anytime I want.

At MIL's house I'm stuck because it'd be rude to just up and leave. I'm trapped there until DH decides that we've spent enough time there.

I felt like I spent my entire weekend at MIL's house just so DH could feel less guilty. I finally put my foot down and told him I am not spending all weekend at your mom's house to compensate for my parents living across the street. I'd like some of my weekend to myself and to spend with just the two of you.

So sometimes we don't see either set of parents, sometimes we just see one set. Everybody gets time with the grandkid but not at my expense.

Holidays we fought about and hammered out a long time ago, we follow the same routine only we get up earlier on Christmas morning so we can do our own thing and arrive later at his family gathering.

[midjd]

Thank you for the responses!

The holiday traditions is a good point - it has been a source of angst since DH and I started dating. His family is huge and has a Christmas Eve gathering, Christmas morning gift exchange, and then an afternoon meal at his grandma's house with the whole family. Then we have to fit in Christmas morning with my mom/brother/sister, dinner at my grandpa's, and gift exchange with my dad/stepmom/half-sibs. Usually we'd spend the night at ILs' to avoid having to drive home Christmas Eve and drive back at the crack of dawn.

Last year, I saw DD's birth (3 days before Thanksgiving) as a great excuse to start a new tradition - but by the time Christmas rolled around, I was so exhausted that I gave in and we spent the night at ILs'. MIL was so excited about it, and so helpful when DH had surgery on 12/26, that I think it was the right thing to do at the time - but it is going to make putting the kibosh on the overnights even more difficult this year.

I would also start telling MIL that you are busy sometimes with your mom. She seems to be trying to not be a pest and all it is getting her is to the last in line. that doesn't mean you being a crazy person but I would try and not let one side of the family take all the time/energy for this type of thing leaving very little for the other.

Yeah, I need to hash this out with DH. We had a knock-down-drag-out a few months ago when he started whining about how we were supposed to be at his mom's at X time and were an hour late because we stopped by my mom's house first. I told him that my family was just as important as his and his parents could kiss my ass if they were going to be all pissy about the timing. (My level of tact seems to be proportionate to the amount of sleep I get). It didn't go over well, as you might imagine.

(Maybe it will be easier when we have 2 kids - divide and conquer!)

[NancysSummerSip]

The holiday traditions is a good point - it has been a source of angst since DH and I started dating. His family is huge and has a Christmas Eve gathering, Christmas morning gift exchange, and then an afternoon meal at his grandma's house with the whole family. Then we have to fit in Christmas morning with my mom/brother/sister, dinner at my grandpa's, and gift exchange with my dad/stepmom/half-sibs. Usually we'd spend the night at ILs' to avoid having to drive home Christmas Eve and drive back at the crack of dawn.

Last year, I saw DD's birth (3 days before Thanksgiving) as a great excuse to start a new tradition - but by the time Christmas rolled around, I was so exhausted that I gave in and we spent the night at ILs'. MIL was so excited about it, and so helpful when DH had surgery on 12/26, that I think it was the right thing to do at the time - but it is going to make putting the kibosh on the overnights even more difficult this year.

You don't HAVE to do all of that on Christmas...yikes, it's only a 24-hour day! How on earth can anyone enjoy their visits when the whole thing seems welded to a stopwatch and a timetable?

Why not find a geographic place to meet in the middle, for one gathering of the clan? Anyone who cannot make it...oh, well.

And while it's nice that your MIL was there for you for DH's surgery, it's not the gift that should keep on giving. Meaning that she did that of her own free will (I assume), and therefore should not expect the overnights to continue as some kind of payback.

[Deleted]

Oh, I'd be picking the one family event from each I'm doing. No way three... 

Christmas morning is here, here, too... Anyone is welcome, I'll make breakfast. We'll even wait till you get here... But my kids open Christmas presidents (and then actually even spend the day!) AT Home. 

And Christmas dinners don't have to be on eve/day... Took my GG a bit, but she's come to realize the weekend before is just as good.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think my mom also feels that she's lost the "fun grandma" contest since ILs have a pool, ATVs, a camper, etc. and there's not much to do at my mom's house

Your mom should remind herself it really isn't about "stuff". My in-laws have all that stuff at their house but that doesn't make my parents any less "fun".

My mom babysat Gwen last Saturday, they have a blast together making crafts and playing with Play-doh. My dad came over later and chased her around with the hose. When we came home the kid looked like she had the time of her life.

She'll spend hours putting together puzzles with my dad and loves to chase rabbit around their backyard.  She has tons of fun despite my parents not being able to afford all the expensive stuff DH's parents have.

Kid's, especially babies and toddlers don't measure "fun" by what kind of expensive stuff you have.  Gwen spent a whole day once playing with an old Red Bull container I turned into a "pig house" for one of her stuffed animals. That definitely didn't cost me what an ATV costs!

[Deleted]

Try dividing time up between both sides of two families when each of your kids has different families (yeah, trailer trash problems, I know, but I've gotten good at dividing up the holiday thing, LOL).  First of all, we always have Christmas at home.  I'm not messing with running around on that day.  We do hit Christmas dinner at an aunt's later in the day, but she's close.  We schedule alternate Christmas days for the other families (a couple weeks after is always good because you can get the gifts really cheap. ) Another thing that works really well for us is getting everyone together.  My Dad and stepmom will drive down to my Mom and stepdad's house for Christmas Eve and we have all birthdays as one big family party. 

Some holidays some families are just going to get screwed on, my older son has had Thanksgiving with his grandparents on his Dad's side every year.  It's the only holiday she refuses to give up, so we let her have that one.  She's fine with him missing all the others or having them on alternate days. 

[midjd]

I think I'm going to propose that we go down to ILs for the Christmas Eve thing, stay home Christmas morning (but invite the families up around 11) and then go to the gathering at my grandpa's house Christmas evening. That gives us one event with his family, one with mine, and the grandparents can all come up Christmas Day.

Hopefully hashing it out this early in the year will help eliminate some of the drama. And if DH wants to spend more time with his family, he can take DD and deal with the ensuing exhausted meltdown while I hang out at home and watch TV!

Thank you all again for the suggestions/support. I'm not sure how we're going to work out the non-holiday visits yet, but at least I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable by expecting people to come to us at least as much as (if not more than) we go to visit them... 

[swamp]

I stopped trying to see everyone on holidays and started hosting. You want to see me? Come over and bring a dish to pass.

[The Captain]

For several years in our marriage DH and I didn't have kids so XMAS and Xmas eve was always a command performance and SIL's or MIL's house because xmas is "all about the children".  I guess my family and DH and my house didn't count because we were childless .

Well, when DD was born several years into our marriage the tone changed from being "about the children" to "time for family to spend together".

After a very disasterous day at the SIL's house I put my foot down and stated Xmas day was for our (nuclear) family to spend together.  We would alternate Xmas eve, Thanksgiving and Easter among the familys but that day was for us alone.  It took me realizing DD would grow up thinking others could dictate our lives for me to get a steel spine.

[midjd]

It took me realizing DD would grow up thinking others could dictate our lives for me to get a steel spine.

That's a very good point - I hadn't thought of that.
 

[sheilaincali]

My SIL (my normal brother's wife) divides it up like this: One year Thanksgiving is at her parents and Christmas is at my parents and the next year they flip.  When Christmas is at one set of Grandparents they celebrate Christmas around New Years for the other family. So it's just become a thing in our family. If DBro and SIL are celebrating Christmas with her folks that year then we have our big family Christmas the weekend after Christmas. 

Because this has always been the case and we don't even think about seeing my parents until later on Christmas day- Christmas Eve became for the In Laws. So my Sister's In-laws do a big get together on Christmas Eve. Her MIL always does a big dinner that night for them all and the kids open their presents from Grandma.

Because we are estranged from my In Laws Christmas Eve is for our "other" family. My BFF and I have been together for years and since DH and her are only children they've adopted each other.  She and her husband are "aunt and uncle" to my son, the kids are "cousins" or "little siblings" to DS.  We are her kids "aunt and uncle".  We have been doing Christmas Eve with them since my niece was born (she's 8).  They'd even fly out when we lived in CA to celebrate the holidays with us. 

Realize that it's never going to be perfectly Fair.  Do your in laws and your folks live in the same town?  Do they get along?  Are joint events an option? 

Put your food down now and explain to both mother's how life is.  DD deserves some relaxing weekends at your house.  You guys deserve some relaxing, no traveling, no visitors weekends too.  Figure out a calendar for the next few months and send it out to both mothers.   

[cronewitch]

My SIL took over Christmas when my brother got out of the Navy. Kids were 5 and 7 and she announced she was having Christmas traditions at home. Her kids got one Christmas gift Christmas Eve, always something like home sown pjs or robe, go to bed. Christmas morning kids wake early, wearing new gifts from night before, open one gift. Stop to make coffee and homemade cinnamon rolls, after mom has coffee open rest of gifts. Grandparents and other were told if you want to see kids open gifts get here early. Mom got off work at midnight and would come sleep on their couch. Now kids are 44 and 42 and still expect homemade cinnamon rolls Christmas morning but she might take them to daughter's house instead of home.

[The Captain]

On a funny note/related topic - DH and I live and die by our Outlook calendar.

My BIL, sis, and Dad are coming up for July 4th weekend.  DH wanted to make sure it was on our calendars so he just sent me an invitation.

Instead of every day for 4 days, it was for every day STARTING July 3rd.

I emailed him back asking if I should let my family know he's offered to let them move in ...

[justme]

I was just going to  ask if the family was tech savvy in the slightest. You could set up a shared Google or Outlook calendar and block out the weekends for you and then show which ones are available. Then family would send an invitation, and assuming no other conflicts you'd accept and it'd go on the calendar so other family could see you're now busy during that time frame or say I'd like to visit with X too can I come? I would think it'd be incredibly handy once DD actually has things for family to show up to. Has a recital? Put it on the calendar! Daycare graduation? Calendar!


The only possible problem is then others would see how much time you spend with other people. Though if you operated it on a first-come-first-served basis (barring any BIG event that comes up after you plan that weekend like a wedding or graduation etc) maybe that will spur the more passive relatives to get off their butt and send invitations to block out their time.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

This seems to be the bane of my sister's life.

When she moved to MN, command performances with the ILs were necessary. Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas eve were givens and she had to put her foot down about Christmas morning. Her kids were going to wake up Christmas morning in their own beds.

For TD and myself, we have pretty much played the game by ear. For the last few years, we have spent Thanksgiving at my dad's and Christmas on his side. However, this year I think that we're going to switch things around and try to spend as much time at my dad's as possible....that includes both holidays. He's on board with this.

[quince]

Nuclear family first, and anyone who gets demanding should fall to the bottom of the list of priorities. I'm currently favoring my family because they make the effort to see my son instead of expecting us to work for something they want.

[kittensaver]

Skype is your FRIEND - - trust me on this one.

Your Christmas shopping is already done - you're getting everyone a video camera for their computer. And bonus points if you set it up for them and teach them how to use it so they can Skype regularly with you and DD.

You're welcome