Helicopter Mom Punishment

[bean29]

My DD (17) texted me this AM that a friend of hers committed Suicide.
She told me there would be a candelight vigil tonight in a county park in our city on Lake Michigan, so I went. At about 9:15 she asked me to leave. As I pulled out of the Park I hit a Deer. My car dosn't look bad, but I am sure there is a good $1-$2,000 damage. DH looked it over and did not seem too concerned.

I am anxiously waiting for DD to get home.

[Jaguar]

Oh bean I'm so sorry hon.

[Deleted]

Well, that doesn't sound good. 

[Deleted]

Glad you are okay.

Why does DD asking you to leave make you a Helicopter? I am lost!

[Nazgul Girl]

  Sorry that you and your family have had to deal with these things.   I'm sorry for your daughter's friend who is no longer with us.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

As much as I feel the pain of your vehicle damage, (and the loss of your child's friend), I'm wondering why you would leave because your 17 y/old asked you to. No child would tell me what to do.

She's a minor - you're her mother - I'd stay to provide comfort and support at her loss (the friend who committed suicide) and make sure she got home safely and then help her deal with or talk through her grief.

(I had a boyfriend die in a vehicular accident when I was about the same age. I was at a loss dealing with it - since it was the first death I'd had to deal with - I was grateful for the support of my parents to get me through it.)

[raeoflyte]

I'm so sorry for your daughters friend and her family.  How sad.  

I'm guessing her daughter and friends wanted some time together to mourn without their parents standing watch over them and there is nothing wrong with that.  

[bean29]

DD knew I was there a long time before she asked me to leave. I went to a similar vigil for a friend of my Son's when DS was in HS. His parents attended and his mother's grief haunts me to this Day. It was a major reason I was there. I was far from the only parent there, but there were not as many adults as I expected and no one from the school.

It is a lake bluff setting. I did not 100% like how it was handled but DD asked me to stay out of it. There are rumblings of bullying, her brother was leading, no prayers, no suggestion of resurrection, life after death, heaven etc. My DD knows everyone as she is one of the managers in the school store, this girl was in a lot of her classes, but not someone she does a lot of things with.

[NancysSummerSip]

May 29, 2014 0:34:31 GMT -5 bean29 said:

DD knew I was there a long time before she asked me to leave. I went to a similar vigil for a friend of my Son's when DS was in HS. His parents attended and his mother's grief haunts me to this Day. It was a major reason I was there. I was far from the only parent there, but there were not as many adults as I expected and no one from the school.

It is a lake bluff setting. I did not 100% like how it was handled but DD asked me to stay out of it. There are rumblings of bullying, her brother was leading, no prayers, no suggestion of resurrection, life after death, heaven etc. My DD knows everyone as she is one of the managers in the school store, this girl was in a lot of her classes, but not someone she does a lot of things with.

Ow, sorry about the deer incident.

And I think your DD, at that age, wanted the privacy with her friends and the opportunity to mourn in her own way. I don't think her request was much of a surprise. She wanted you to know that she is old enough to deal with bad things in life. And if you've raised her right, she probably is. She sounds pretty mature, given that she goes to school and works.

[Deleted]

I don't understand the thread title.

I'm glad you are okay. Hitting animals is dangerous.

[skubikky]

When you hear such utterly tragic news as this, all else at the moment shimmers away and all you can think about is how much you love your kid and also how vulnerable you feel.
From the eastern end of the Great Lakes.....you and your family and especially the family of that friend are in our thoughts and prayers...

[bean29]

We have a good number of deer in the city I live in even though it is pretty urban.  I do live in Milwaukee county after all.  Immediatedly next to the park I was in is the WE Energies Plant(Coal Buring).  We energies has a lot of land around the plant-- it has acquired and cleared as a cushion for future development/lawsuits/DNR requirements?  So probably a great environment for animals.

I had never been to that park even though it is only a few miles from my house.  So I hit the deer on the road comming out of the park.  We will have someone look at the car soon.  We seem to have a never ending round of car repairs between the 4 of us.  I will have to see how much the repairs are before we decide if we will claim it. Sigh.  My buget was already tight.

I travel another road not far from there which is virtually wetlands and it is rented as individual farming plots.  I always go down that street well below speed limit b/c we see deer so often.   

Just got off the phone with the principal.  I am concerened b/c some people are trying to connect the suicide to bullying and it just did not seem appropriate (principal agreed with me and said the situation was more complex).  I said the two issues should be addressed seperately as one cannot be responsible for someone else's decision to committ suicide.

My DD said the girl simply had a fight with one of her friends.  Principal said he has teachers in the building struggling with did I look at her wrong/respond inappropriately etc.  I told DD people who committ suicide can not see their pain/troubles as temorary/something they will get through.

Luckily she was a friend of DD not a close friend.   

[bean29]

Oh as far as the thread title I meant if I was not being an overprotective Mother I would not have been at the vigil so I would not have hit the stupid deer.

SL, I left b/c at 17 they are hovering between Adult and Child.  They need us, but they need to learn to handle these issues on their own.  The principal told me he knew of the event, and went but parked is car down the road and stayed in his car - so he was pretty much doing the same thing.  He said the school notified the SRO.  SRO is part of our Police dept so there were 3 police cars there at one point, but when I left only a county sheriff unit was there.  The Sheriffs Dept is county and they have policing authority in all county parks.  They never got out of their cars either...I am sure they were just making sure everything stayed peaceful.

My DD talked about how one of her cousins acted when we went to her Grandpa's crypt on Mother's Day (My Dad) she said she grew up being dragged to funerals and cemetaries and she would never have acted the way her cousin did (8-9 year old having a temper tantrum b/c she wanted to do something else).  Hispanic culture mourns death, but also beleves in the resurection.  They do things like novenas getting together as a group to pray for about 2 weeks after someone dies.  Death is not stranger to my kid, I hope/think she will handle it OK.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I'm sorry you're not having a great week. We live in place that also has a lot of deer, so I do know how annoying that is. 

I'm a bit confused about the rest of it, but I do hope your community can priductively learn from it. 

[tloonya]

May 28, 2014 22:21:38 GMT -5 bean29 said:

My DD (17) texted me this AM that a friend of hers committed Suicide.
She told me there would be a candelight vigil tonight in a county park in our city on Lake Michigan, so I went. At about 9:15 she asked me to leave. As I pulled out of the Park I hit a Deer. My car dosn't look bad, but I am sure there is a good $1-$2,000 damage. DH looked it over and did not seem too concerned.

I am anxiously waiting for DD to get home.

I understand she wanted to be with her friends and cry. Thing had happened in my DDs school and we left DD and friends at viewing and waited for them to come out at nearest Dunkin Donuts. They came out a mess...I wouldn't really want to be there...
So it is not a punishment for you, bean, it is just an awful thing she didn't know how to deal with and hopefully will be the last one she will ever have to attend. Just hug her and...whatever feels right.

[Peace Of Mind]

I'm sorry one of your DD's friends felt her only way to deal with things was to commit suicide.  It's such a shame and it's been way too common lately. 

And may I suggest deer whistles?  They are about $5.00 that you stick in the front of your vehicle and can be bought at a Wal Mart, Target and I believe any car shop.  Be sure to follow the directions.  Both parts need to be placed correctly for them to work and they do work.  They are prevalent here too and especially where our other property is and it keeps them from running in front of you when they hear the sound.  You won't hear it.  It's too high a frequency so it's not irritating to humans.  I swear other animals hear it too because we've not had to dodge possums or Raccoons  either.

[bean29]

Peace we drive the Dog around all the time. Would he hear it?

[Deleted]

I don't see how you were being a helicopter Mom. It seems to me that you were being supportive. I don't think hitting the deer was any kind of punishment. My heart and prayers go out to that young lady's family and friends.

When I was a senior in high school, a girl in the 11th grade committed suicide. She'd hugged all her friends and told everybody good-bye at school that day, but nobody knew what she really meant until we got to school the next morning and heard what had happened. When she was telling people good bye, she also said "y'all won't see me anymore". People thought she was kidding because she hadn't seemed sad or anything. None of us realized we needed to tell somebody. She'd obviously planned it.

My Mom and I exchanged cars the day of the funeral. I guess she was letting me drive something decent to the funeral. I was walking my friend outside to get some fresh air because she was crying so hard and I looked up and saw my Mom in the back of the church. She had left work and driven my tiny stick shift car across town to the funeral. I burst into tears when I saw her. I'd been trying to be strong and comfort my friend, but then Mom was there to be strong for both of us.

I was 17yo and it meant a lot to me that my Mom came for support. She didn't intrude, but she was there. I don't think that was helicopter parenting either. I think it's natural for parents to want to be there for their child when he/she loses a peer so tragically.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 29, 2014 16:58:53 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Peace we drive the Dog around all the time. Would he hear it?

Probably not since your dog is inside the vehicle.  But even if he could it's not harmful.  It just makes them stop or perk their ears so it keeps them from running across the road.  I admit to not being an expert.  I've read where people claim they don't work but how you place the whistles (simple but it has to be done properly) is the biggest factor on the ones we have.  One goes in front of the driver's side and the other goes in front on the passenger's side (both still in front of the vehicle!) to work.

I feel you will still need to be careful and pay attention but it does seem to make them stop and they perk their ears and heads up when we drive by.  Before we got them they just kept on eating or meandering by the road so I know they help.

I did find this but it's from somebody who sells them so it's not exactly objective:

"The Save-A-Deer whistle is an animal alert, deer warning device that aids in accident prevention with animals. Help save human and animal lives through reduced deer and vehicle collisions. Not to mention, you will be able to avoid the severe damage animals can do to your vehicle.

Product Information
The Save-A-Deer whistle is the smallest and best single unit air-activated animal alert /automobile deer whistle design on the market today. When mounted to a vehicle, car, truck, or motorcycle moving at 35 mph or faster, the deer whistle makes a sound that alerts deer, moose, elk, antelope, and kangaroos of the approaching vehicle and assists with accident prevention. Animals are very unpredictable, but they will usually respond by freezing along the side of the road avoiding vehicle collision. Occasionally the animals will perk their ears and look over at the vehicle. You should always exercise caution when driving in areas heavily populated with animals. You should examine the deer whistle occasionally to be sure it is still mounted to the vehicle and does not have any blockage in the holes. Our whistles make a great auto deer protection device to help reduce chances of deer and vehicle collisions."

[HoneyBBQ]

I think you did the right thing to go to the vigil. If she needed you, you would have been there.

Be glad the car is just a scratch, as you know it can be so so much worse. Being a teenager is so tough now... I don't know how I will survive when my DD gets there.

[bean29]

Peace I will probably pick up a Deer Whistle, but I doubt I was going 35mph.

[toomuchreality]

  Hugs to you and DD, bean.
I hope your car is okay.

[toomuchreality]

Bean!  Is that you I see up there, again??!